notdoingfine

Im 34 days without a drink and feeling much better. Very hopeful and eager and optimistic about a sober health future. Though still struggle with some cravings and a fear of relapse.

My problem right now though is I think I may not want to stay married to my wife. She is an acoa and has many unhealthy behaviors herself which do damage to my well being. E.g. affar prior to my drinking. Spreading my business on facebook etc. Furthermore she will never show any remorse for her actions and has said to me that she doesn't think there is much wrong with her.

This leaves me very pessismistic about ever establishing a healthy relationship. I knoa that I should not rush into any decisions right now but her behavior is very hurtful to me and I fear for my own well being. I really dont know what to do. Thoughts?

pinkdog

Good job on 34 days. I agree you should not rush into anything. Keep going with sobriety. Well done.

Skye2

Hi there I wouldn't make any serious or rash decisions for now, as you (like me) are still going to be emotionally all over the place, with early sobriety. I'm sure in time, you'll work out the best thing to do

Louise82

Well done on 34 days. I agree with pinkdog and Skye. Take your time and keep focusing on your recovery. You're doing great.

ReadyAtLast

I also agree don't rush. Whilst I'm not advocating doing nothing for the 1 year some mention 34 days is still really early in. My mind was all over the place for the first few months.I probably divorced my husband several times in my mind in the first 6 months. Please give it time. I'm nearly 11 months now and feel totally different than I did at 1,3 even 6 months.

least

Focus on your recovery first and foremost. Then after you've got some significant sober time under your belt you can sort out your relationship with your wife.

notdoingfine

Here's the thing: while I know that I need to focus on my own recovery and shouldn't make any rash decisions the relationship with my wife is making that more difficult. That would be fineand I would strugle through it all with her and if she was making an effort or if I even had any hope there would be some changes in her but this problem long precedes any drinking problem.

So all I can see happening at this point is a long period of difficult pain followed by an inevitable divorce.

It leaves me in tears of frustration.

pmv

marriage counseling?

soberclover

I am with least on this one.....get you together first. Go to counseling, learn to live and have fun in sobriety. Maybe going to meetings or other sober places to meet other people who are in recovery like you. No big major changes in the first year is strongly suggested for a reason.

Dee74

Hi Notdoingfine

it's difficult for me to give advice because I'm not living in your situation.

If you want out and you can;t stand it anymore then your way forward is pretty clear.

Personally, tho, I do think big decisions are best made with some sober time behind you - I changed almost daily in my first 90 days - I'd want to be sure who sober me was before I made any sudden movements.

If it's a long standing problem then you've obviously been living with it for a while, and there's really no reason why it should impact your recovery now.

D

youbetcha

I'd take it slow as well, 34 days is fantastic but you'll learn alot in your journey you thought you already knew. I got divorced in sobriety, but it was a process of growing apart that took several years. The counciling idea sounds good, and maybe when she sees you changing for the better she'll find a see she needs to do some work on herself as well. I hope you do all you can on your end to make it work, at least so you don't have any regrets, especially if you have kids, best wishes.

Freebird13

If she is not supporting you or threatening your sobriety in any way, a separation is in order.

Anna

I'm with Dee on this one. I changed my mind about relationships a dozen times in the first few months.

I also think that some things can become crystal clear in early sobriety. If you find the situation impossible and that it could lead to a relapse, then separating may be called for. But, if you can stay where you are until you are more established in recovery, it would probably be for the best.