onthebrink

I think I just need to go to work 7 days a week. Leave me home by myself and I'm drinking all damn day. I don't even know why I did it or what provoked me to. I bought a bottle of vodka at 8am Friday morning and other than taking a nap (also known as passing out) 3 times I drank that b*tch until I went to bed at 11pm. Now I felt like sh!t the whole time, got NOTHING done that I wanted to get done Friday. Pretty sure my husband suspected I'd been drinking because he kept taking sips from my second cup - the one without alcohol in it - now I'm awake. Shaky. And feel like utter crap. Why?? Why do I do this to myself?? I feel so broken.

happyhour

onthebrink, sorry about that. relapses are all bad, but usually not fatal, and sometimes they lock in your resolve to quit this crap once and for all, so "broken" is not a horrible spot, it shows that you might be ready to surrender.

what are you up to today?

seems like you had your mind made up thursday night to wake up and get your drunk girl pants on friday morning...?

Skye2

Hi. I think if you drank a bottle of vodka, it's a pretty safe bet that your husband knew. We love to convince ourselves that we're 'behaving normally' but in truth, we always give the game away.
What happened? Well, only you know that - what thoughts were going through your head when you went to buy the bottle? Were you stressed etc?

Pick yourself up - plenty of water today - and start again You CAN do this!!

Xx

IOAA2

Welcome to reality. I had the same questions and the common answer was that I'm an alcoholic and cannot drink in safety. I'll always be one and I needed to accept it and when I stopped picking up the first drink I started to be a sober alcoholic.

BE WELL

onthebrink

Today the family is home. I have weeds to dig up, groceries to buy, flowers to plant. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend. I just feel like such a failure right now. I want to hide in shame. I'm going to try to be productive though. Think of this as a lesson learned. I really need to hog tie that AV and get him to shut the he!! up!! I only made it a little over a week sober and I felt SO good, but the temptation was always there and I caved. Now I feel like crap again. I don't have any firm statements to make because I don't trust myself anymore, all I can say is that I am not going to drink today. Hopefully I can pull those thoughts along with me as the days progress I don't want to drink. I really don't.

onthebrink

Posting here was a big step for me. It's hard to admit your failings to people. But I know and appreciate the good advice I'll find here. I need it today.

IOAA2

[QUOTE=happyhour;4271256]onthebrink, sorry about that. relapses are all bad, but usually not fatal, and sometimes they lock in your resolve to quit this crap once and for all, so "broken" is not a horrible spot, it shows that you might be ready to surrender. QUOTE]

Hi. I differ with the not fatal statement. For many years being in touch with hundreds of alcoholics The majority that went out and relapsed ended up in jail, hospitalized/institutionalized, dead or in the same never never land of the living dead. There are no guarantees as to the results when we drink.

BE WELL

happyhour

it is why i said "usually", we are all aware of the tragedies of alcohol.

onthebrink

Unfortunately. We are. I need some positives right now. Not scary facts, I know them. I've read them. I hate alcohol but it pretends to love me.

Right now, the thought process getting me back on track is that I slipped. I'm not perfect. I feel terrible, but I am not a terrible person. I felt great sober, I can feel great again! I need to not beat myself up at the moment or I will surely be back down that horrible path trying to erase how guilty I feel. One foot in front of the other, step by step. Get it back. One day does not mean I have to keep going. It's okay. It happens. It is not the end of sobriety, just a big stupid speed bump I went over to fast. Jolting. Kwim?

I have to do this. For my husband, for my kids, for MYSELF.

Mountainmanbob

I went through that for many many years

before I had a true desire to stop drinking for good

and started to truly appreciate my being sober time

after returning to my vomit of life over and over again

I realized how precious sobriety is

Mountainman

onthebrink

Oh and hanging your head over a trash can because you drank too much...that's totally fun.

Sarcasm there but that was me yesterday by 11:30 am. I'm sure I looked lovely with blood shot eyes, hurling in the trash can then grabbing another drink to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth. Pathetic. What on EARTH was I thinking?? <sigh>

So ashamed. Embarrassed. I need to quit reliving it though I think and keep reminding myself the thoughts above. I am not a horrible person. I stumbled. I need to get my @ss back in gear and stop feeling sorry for myself. Just waiting for the rest of the house to wake up so I can begin day 1 and get myself busy. Until then, I will hang out with my sober friends here and learn what you have to teach me.

Mountainmanbob

sometimes we need to return to the drink

so as to be convinced yet one more time

that yes - no doubt

I'm alcoholic and can not take even one drink

without paying a heavy price somewhere down the road

a road which seems to get narrower the more traveled

MM

happyhour

i agree. lots of us have made the mistake "to think we can drink".
as you know, just today, have a plan if the urge comes on, you CAN do this

let us know how your day is going...

FeelingGreat

Hi onthebrink, it's great that you have the attitude that you'll get back on the horse after your fall.
Do you have a range of strategies for dealing with overwhelming cravings? Someone you could call? I have seen many people who were sure they were going to cave and have posted on SR and made it through the cravings.
I think it's great that you posted as many people give up after a slip, but how about posting at your danger times as well? Friday nights are a classic.

Hawkeye13

Print your first post on this thread and this out and put it in your wallet. Every time you AV says "lets just stop and get a bottle" pull it out and read it. Read it when you get up, and before you go to bed or anytime you feel cravings. I used to reread my entries in my journal about my drunken slip ups and how I felt and regretted them and boy did it keep it fresh for me which helped me stay resolved.

Don't beat yourself up for the slip. It happened, but it sounds like you are ready to learn from it. It's OK not to make statements, just resolve in your heart your acceptance that you can't drink safely and your commitment to stop one day at a time. That's all it will take and you don't need to say anything to yourself or anyone else. You can do this.

onthebrink

No, I really don't have anyone to call. I'm in a new city and the AA meeting I went to here, while it helped me not drink, was full of people I didn't connect with emotionally. I do need a plan. I need someone that I can talk to. I think I'll try a different meeting today. See if there are less people with (what feels like) a lifetime of sobriety from my grandparents generation, and more people who are struggling like me. I find comfort from people fighting similar demons, the urge to help each other through. Not so much from people preaching to me who have been sober for 30+ years, not that I don't value their advice, just that I think they've forgotten how it feels when you are just starting out and fighting for your life. At least, that's how the people at the meeting in my new town were...I know they are all different though.

Mags1

Hi onthebrink. Weekends was always binge time, for me and this morning for some reason I fancied a drink. I didn't have any in the house but that's not stopped me before, but, in my head I went through the scenario of me drinking, getting blotto, sleeping it off, remorseful, apologetic, ashamed....I don't want that any more in my life.

It stopped me going to the shop and buying wine, it does get easier but after 106 days there's still weaknesses creeping in. I came on to SR forum and joined in with the chats and read experiences.

Lenina

Onthebrink,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Rational Recovery worked for me along with AA. Being able to see alcoholism as The Beast and seperate from the Real Me helped me not take that first drink. you might read up on it and AVRT and see if it makes sense to you.

I know you can get well because I did. I'm glad you're here with us.

Love from Lenina

alphaomega

In my humble opinion, slips are a part of recovery.

Especially if this is your very first round of coming to terms with your disease.

The AV will do everything in its power to survive. And if we aren't armed with enough information, usually will.

There are two ways of looking at this morning. 1. Like you are a failure or B. you are learning what NOT to do and how to recognize your alcoholism.

OTB - you have gotten a taste of freedom. You had a great week where you started to get your sea legs and found it to be joyful. That is still waiting for you !!! Just get through the next few miserable days, and you'll be back to fighting form in no time. Do whatever you have to do to not drink. Hell, yesterday I stopped at Walgreens and bought up half their discount Halloween candy and ate it in the car because if I didn't I was going to stop for a bottle of whiskey (WTF - I don't even drink whiskey).

You absolutely can do this. I have every bit of faith in you.

Come on girl, deep breath, shoulders back, and MARCH.

YOU GOT THIS.

onthebrink

See, I'm a hider. If I'm at work, I don't drink, if I'm home with the family on the weekend, I don't drink. If I'm by myself- I drink myself stupid. I can stay sober when the house is full, I'm busy, and I don't want anyone to see my drinking. My issue is being alone where I feel like no one will know, then I want a drink in the worst way. I need to plan for that. Find a way to fight it.