Lewis73

I do not get this at all!

After a couple of years of my wife's drinking being (at least partly) to blame for all manner of disasters that have befallen our family (sad children, ostracised by parents, a 17-year-old moved out to live with grandparents, me moving out, me moving back, her moving out, her moving back .... Countless binges ending in vomit, falling over or sleeping the entire next day)...... she finally gets it.

She knows that she hates it, she knows she needs to stop, she doesn't want to do any more.... She's done four medical detoxs, she had been through hell and back.....so why is she still drinking????

On Monday this week she came to me ( still drunk from Sunday night) and said she was going to go cold turkey and beat this..... She spent Monday in bed and Tuesday not much better by Wednesday she was up and about and looking much better than normal.

Wednesday night she took our sons for a pub meal.... She drove them so she wouldn't be able to drink. On the way home she picked up a four pack.

We discussed this Thursday and agreed that going somewhere like a pub was not a good idea right now!

Thursday night she went to a friend's party for Halloween.... Sure enough, she had a few drinks and this morning we agreed going to parties wasn't a good idea right now!

She still wants to stop, she still hates that she does it...... but she has just come to me at midday ( UK time) and said she is going to buy four beers. She's telling me because she wants to be " open" with me.

I told her she doing so well, looking so much better why on earth not just stop? she said it's a long journey..... I told I agree, but it will be a quicker journey if she'd actually start it!

She can't explain why she is going to buy beer..... All she can explain is that talking to me about it in any detail upsets her ( and me) so she doesn't want to??????

Like I said, I just do not get this!

Tamerua

Hang in there. For some it is a compulsion. No excuses, she has to want to stop and she had to find her recovery method. Sounds like she doesn't have one in place.
Are you going to Alanon for you?

Lewis73

Not going to alanon...but actually, not doing too bad.

I have gone through the deep depression, sadness, anger.... And now I'm actually okay - just frustrated!

I suppose I'd just like some progression..... Quite frankly ( although I love her dearly) any progression would do me right now.... She could move out, get better, drink herself into hospital - anything that is a change from the current state of appearing to be a perfectly normal sensible intelligent person - who can't stop themselves drinking!

jaynie04

Hi Lewis. Looking back at some of your old posts I see you have young children. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My mother was drunk a lot and my father sort of left us to fend for ourselves. It did a lot of damage, a lot. As you can see I am in recovery myself, I have a daughter who is almost 9 and I could see where I was headed. I hope that this is it for me but if heaven forbid I relapsed, I would want my husband to take my daughter and leave. That is how damaging I believe it is for children to grow up in a home with an alcoholic parent. What was really confusing for me, especially as the oldest, was why my father ditched, he still lived at home but would retreat to his workshop and build boats while my mother staggered around the house.

You wife is not really sounding like she is anywhere near sobriety right now. I understand you left and came back because of the children, but what about them? It is not fair, I get it, you get to pick up the pieces why she has no responsibility. But as long as you mitigate the consequences of her drinking and enable you are not only part of her disease, but you are making the children part of it too. I think the day to dayness right now is not as important as stepping back and looking at the big picture of raising children in a toxic environment.

Lewis73

the trouble is...... I'm not sure I know what toxic is anymore!

If you had asked me three years ago how I would feel about my 17-year-old daughter walking out to live with my parents and refusing to even speak with her mother...... I would have regarded that as an absolute disaster beyond comprehension! and yet.... Now it's just how my life is.

So my point is..... I'm not sure what is toxic and what is just stuff I have got used to.

My wife is rarely falling over drunk... What the kids see is her drinking constantly, enough empty tins in the recycling to build an aeroplane, lots of takeaway food because she doesn't feel like cooking and too many arguments.

In a way.... If she was a classic drunk.... Vomiting all over them! it would be easier for me to say " okay, this is not ideal"

The trouble is she is too good ( or maybe that's me being blind) - I know for a fact that her friends ( many of whom drink) don't regard her drinking as being that big of a deal.... Which just serves to fuel my concern that I am overreacting.

Hammer

Who pays for the alcohol?

Your money?
Her money?
Family money?
Other?

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry. It seems our situations are similar.

Our 15 yr old ds has been living with my parents for about 6 weeks and has only spoken to his father via text messages once, over 5 weeks ago. I so don't want this to become the "normal" for our family

I'm in the same pattern of denial, semi-acceptance, then back to the denial. This is not how I want to live the rest of my life!

jaynie04

I'm confused, in the OP you mentioned "countless binges, vomiting, falling over and sleeping all day". That was me, actually I hadn't got there...but I was absolutely headed there. My life looks very pretty from the outside. I have been blessed with a lot of external things that probably allowed my run to continue without dire consequences for a long time. I don't work, I have other people to manage my life, all neat and tied up with a bow. But the underpinnings were tragic.

It's an inside job. The only ones who really know are likely you and your wife, and your kids. I had a sick relationship with people who worked for me in my home, no way they didn't know, I paid them well and we kept up appearances. Unfortunately families don't thrive on keeping up appearances. Children require a lot of support and one of the biggest traumas I still grapple with from childhood is never knowing what I would find at home. Somedays mom was drunk, other days sober, emotions were crazy and all over the map...I learned not to trust, that's a really hard thing to unlearn.

I would say that in measuring a toxic home one good measure is stability and predictability. That is huge. Also nurturing, meeting a child's needs, fostering respect, but most importantly allowing a place where a child feels safe. I heard it mentioned once...home should be a soft place to land". Everyone needs to contribute to a happy home, but there is a shared purpose, love is a given, and issues are addressed head on. I think kids learn to be covert and secret keepers because they are in collusion, they have to be in order to survive.

Lewis73

Hammer,

The money comes from our joint account....there is plenty (for now) so I can stop her....if I tried it would be VERY bad!

JustaGirl.....what gets to me is that my wife doesnt want to talk to her daughter either!!!! She says doing so would be "bad for her right now"....I'm like, WTF???? Thats your baby.....she might have said some horrible things but who wouldnt!

JustAGirl1971

Same here. My husband (notice that I still can't use "AH" to describe him?) still doesn't get it, either. He's actually convinced our counselor that ds's just doing it for attention and because his life is so much "better" at my parents with no responsibilities, etc. The reality is ds is angry, depressed, and feeling like his parents don't love him or want him enough to "fix" his home life. Notice I said parents plural? Yes, he's angry at me and I'm realizing that he SHOULD be angry at me. I'm the sober parent, I should be keeping him safe.... but I didn't Instead, my codependency and my own issues just made a bad situation worse.

Is your daughter in counseling? If not, I'd recommend it. Ironically, ds's counselor is helping me come to terms with everything nearly as much, maybe more than our marriage counselor.

Hammer

Reality Check . . . . It already IS VERY bad.

You understand that you did not really answer the SOURCE of the money?

Your money?
Her money?
Family money?
Other?

Just that it is routed through a joint account

mho -- If YOU are the source of the money, at this point YOU are enabling her.

readerbaby71

I can't use the term ABF to describe my boyfriend either. I know he's an alcoholic and so does he, but I hate using the term.

hopeful4

Good Morning.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your wife is doing what we call quacking. She is telling you what you want to hear but she is not following through on any of her actions. Now, when she says she wants to stop and she is feeling awful she most likely knows in her head she needs to stop. The power to drink overrides that feeling.

You are trying to rationalize why she is doing this and there is no rational answer. If you have young children I suggest you protect them and make sure you are getting support for yourself also.

Keep posting, you are not alone in this journey!

JustAGirl1971

Lewis73, Just to clarify, I didn't mean to imply that you weren't keeping your daughter safe. My husband is verbally abusive and was physically abusive to me early in our marriage. I assumed that because he hasn't been physically abusive to me in years, that it wasn't an issue any longer. He and ds got into an argument that resulted in verbal abuse. DS felt physically intimidated by his father and is afraid that if he stays in our home, his father will end up physically abusing him because ds is not passive like I am (his words.) Ironically, I didn't use to be passive.

I just wanted to clarify. For all of the similarities, my situation is different because of the abuse.

Lewis73

just picking up on some of the above points....the money comes from me...but what is the alternative? If I cut her off she'd just run up her credit card - while hating me and getting VERY drunk in anger.

She is always "on the verge" of trying so I feel I cant rock that boat......right now she has said she "has a plan"...in fact, let me sum up right now....

I work form home so am in our garden office...she is getting dinner ready for the kids. At 5pm I'll have to take them to basketball training as she will be over the limit.

She has seen her counsellor this morning and has "a plan" - she wont say what, apparently it would be destructive to let me in on it???? she won't say when the plan is going to start or what form it will take...... simply that she has it under control and there is a plan on the horizon.

And that's it, I have to sit here trying to work ( which has been almost impossible for the last 18 months, psychologically) while she is in the house drinking - not drinking enough to fall over, she will probably have six cans today - but drunk all the same. And if I was go and talk to her she would say " I have a plan, I told you I have a plan - why can't you leave me alone and trust me to sort this myself.... You're just making me angry, in fact I think I will drink more just because you have made me so mad"

Impossible situation - and so I just sit here and wait....

SingledadPolo73

Sad story...I was in a similar situation until we started getting money problems. Thats when my AW started using the money problems to justify the heavier drinking.
After about 4 yrs of denial, I finally left which didnt help because she kept drinking and my 14 yr old would confront her and they would have verbal fights and finally a physical fight. That was it for me, I took my 3 daughters away and promised them I wouldnt let mum hurt them anymore. I intend to keep to keep that promise!
I just think it is time for you to make a move, stop trying to understand the situation.

NWGRITS

Keeping children in a home with an actively drinking alcoholic is toxic. There, you have an answer.

Your wife isn't even close to wanting sobriety. If she was, she would do everything in her power to get there instead of feeding you bs excuses as to why she just can't do it right now. And you are enabling and playing her game so well.

SingledadPolo73

Ps. Her saying she has a secret plan is what I used to hear. Later on, she would say that her counsellor suggested that her drinking was my fault...turned out she wasnt even going to the counsellor and was making things up. Are u sure she is seeing a professional?

Lewis73

99% sure she see's him.....and he's done the whole "your husband is a toxic trigger" thing with her!

Just so hard - I look at her and she is (or seems) so close to being like she was......I just wish she was worse in a way!

jaynie04

Lewis,I know it feels impossible, it sounds miserable.

The problem is you are all orbiting around the sick person, the one who is the least reliable. Contouring around an active alcoholic is a horrible place to be. You aren't alone, a lot of posters share the experience of being married to someone's potential for years...how long will it go on? Meanwhile, you life is ebbing by, your children are being exposed to unhealthy coping skills, and your wife is holding everyone hostage.


"She has a plan"....that gives her all the power, in essence you all will wait to find out how the chips will fall. I would suggest "you have a plan", you don't want to be married to someone who is abusing alcohol nor have your children exposed to such insanity. You aren't asking for outlandish things...simply stating what you and the kids undeniably deserve. This is your life, you deserve more and your kids deserve more. By tiptoeing around her you become a co conspirator. I think when you have lived in such a depressing situation for so long you sense of what you deserve gets dulled down. I would not ask her about her plan, alkies are great at talk. I would approach her firmly with your plan. The issue isn't whether she has 4 beers or 6 beers or is falling down is it? That's kind of the minutiae, the issue really is much bigger than that. Your last sentence "I just sit here and wait" marks how entwined you are, have you gone to al-anon?