Spent birthday evening with heavy drinker
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Spent birthday evening with heavy drinker
Last Tuesday was my 43rd birthday. For the week leading up to it, a male friend I know, who has been showing a lot of interested in me, texted me and said to reserve Tuesday night, as he was getting a group of people together for dinner. He lives an hour away and said he had to come to my town for some other reason as well. I thought it could be fun and I agreed.
As time drew on, I realized that the group wasn't coming together and that he still expected me to have dinner with me. I started to feel uneasy because I didn't want to have dinner alone with him, as this constitutes a date in my book and I don't want to date him. I didn't order a babysitter; I would just stay home.
On Tuesday morning he texted "looking forward to have dinner with you." I felt manipulated and pressured. Not wanting to disappoint him and feeling I had no other choice, I invited him over for dinner. I didn't want to go out with him. As it turned out, he came over 30 minutes late after drinking a bunch of beers with a friend, and stayed until midnight! He spoke quite loudly, keeping up my son, and I didn't get enough sleep. I spent the evening trying to tell him that I wasn't into drinkers... let him down easy... Since then, I've been feeling sad and weak.
I should have said: "I would have been into having dinner with a group, but as this group didn't work out, I prefer to stay home alone." Was I too afraid to be alone on my birthday? I would have been a bit sad to be alone, but at least I wouldn't feel weak and manipulated.
My therapist told me today that I am repeating a pattern. I draw alcoholic men to me like moths to light. (All my exes were alcoholic and/or sex addicts). I only know heavy drinkers. The only non-problem drinkers I know are either married or unavailable (brother of exAB). I am a big fan of AA, Al Anon, CoDA (which I attend every week) and now SLAA. I think I am going to start being more selective about the people I spend time with. I keep rationalizing my spending time with heavy drinkers, thinking I am 12-stepping them... but in actuality, I am in denial and repeating a bottom line behavior. What do you all think? Honestly?
As time drew on, I realized that the group wasn't coming together and that he still expected me to have dinner with me. I started to feel uneasy because I didn't want to have dinner alone with him, as this constitutes a date in my book and I don't want to date him. I didn't order a babysitter; I would just stay home.
On Tuesday morning he texted "looking forward to have dinner with you." I felt manipulated and pressured. Not wanting to disappoint him and feeling I had no other choice, I invited him over for dinner. I didn't want to go out with him. As it turned out, he came over 30 minutes late after drinking a bunch of beers with a friend, and stayed until midnight! He spoke quite loudly, keeping up my son, and I didn't get enough sleep. I spent the evening trying to tell him that I wasn't into drinkers... let him down easy... Since then, I've been feeling sad and weak.
I should have said: "I would have been into having dinner with a group, but as this group didn't work out, I prefer to stay home alone." Was I too afraid to be alone on my birthday? I would have been a bit sad to be alone, but at least I wouldn't feel weak and manipulated.
My therapist told me today that I am repeating a pattern. I draw alcoholic men to me like moths to light. (All my exes were alcoholic and/or sex addicts). I only know heavy drinkers. The only non-problem drinkers I know are either married or unavailable (brother of exAB). I am a big fan of AA, Al Anon, CoDA (which I attend every week) and now SLAA. I think I am going to start being more selective about the people I spend time with. I keep rationalizing my spending time with heavy drinkers, thinking I am 12-stepping them... but in actuality, I am in denial and repeating a bottom line behavior. What do you all think? Honestly?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Well.. the way I see it. You recognized it, you recognized your feelings and now it's over and done with. You know not to accept invitations from him like that again.
Progress not perfection right.. this is WAY better than getting a sitter, getting stuck out with him where he would have continued to drink and you ended up as HIS babysitter while he "celebrated" your birthday right?
I say it's still a step in the right direction and I'm proud of you for not getting more involved in this situation.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Progress not perfection right.. this is WAY better than getting a sitter, getting stuck out with him where he would have continued to drink and you ended up as HIS babysitter while he "celebrated" your birthday right?
I say it's still a step in the right direction and I'm proud of you for not getting more involved in this situation.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 45
You should be quite proud of yourself. You realized something that made you uncomfortable. I can promise you that next time something like this happens, you are not going to hurt someone's feelings to say no or ask them to leave. You need to take care of you and your children and that's it. It can be quite empowering the first time you do it! I'm not saying be mean to everyone but know when you feel uncomfortable it's okay to say so. If you don't feel comfortable with having dinner say so. He will move on and probably bat an eye for a minute and then be over it.
I've always attracted addicts too. Every single guy I have ever dated had some sort of addiction. I can remember a time in 8th grade where some guys where making me feel weird and looking at me in a way that made me feel creepy. I should have told them that they were being creepy, but I didn't. I can't change what happened then, but I can change how I interact with people now. I grew up in a dysfunctional family so that probably has a lot to do with it. At this point it is up to you to make your relationships, both romantic and platonic, healthy ones.
You have every right to your happiness, peace, and comfort. You are the only person that can allow that to be taken away.
Stop beating yourself up. You are on the right track! Big hugs to you.
I've always attracted addicts too. Every single guy I have ever dated had some sort of addiction. I can remember a time in 8th grade where some guys where making me feel weird and looking at me in a way that made me feel creepy. I should have told them that they were being creepy, but I didn't. I can't change what happened then, but I can change how I interact with people now. I grew up in a dysfunctional family so that probably has a lot to do with it. At this point it is up to you to make your relationships, both romantic and platonic, healthy ones.
You have every right to your happiness, peace, and comfort. You are the only person that can allow that to be taken away.
Stop beating yourself up. You are on the right track! Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Have you heard the old story about the hole in the sidewalk?
Well, first the narrator doesn't see it and falls in and can't get out.
Second time, the narrator does see it but falls in anyway.
Third time, the narrator does see it, tries to jump over it, but falls in.
Fourth time, the narrator sees it, moves sideways at the last moment, and just manages to avoid falling in.
Last time, the narrator sees it, and crosses to the other side of the street long before she gets to the hole.
I think it takes me about 17 times in the hole, so now I just carry a very long ladder....
You're getting there, take heart!
ShootingStaar1
Well, first the narrator doesn't see it and falls in and can't get out.
Second time, the narrator does see it but falls in anyway.
Third time, the narrator does see it, tries to jump over it, but falls in.
Fourth time, the narrator sees it, moves sideways at the last moment, and just manages to avoid falling in.
Last time, the narrator sees it, and crosses to the other side of the street long before she gets to the hole.
I think it takes me about 17 times in the hole, so now I just carry a very long ladder....
You're getting there, take heart!
ShootingStaar1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Yes, repeat pattern but this time with more common sense!
Try finding new places to hang out.
Get out of your box. Try new things and meet new people. Book stores, exercise classes, speech classes, pottery, dance classes, church, cooking classes, volunteer.
...There has to be something new and exciting for you to get out there and adventure into!......It was the best thing that I could of ever done for me!!!
Try finding new places to hang out.
Get out of your box. Try new things and meet new people. Book stores, exercise classes, speech classes, pottery, dance classes, church, cooking classes, volunteer.
...There has to be something new and exciting for you to get out there and adventure into!......It was the best thing that I could of ever done for me!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
