The effing holidays - they're BAAACK
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The effing holidays - they're BAAACK
Yay! Yes said with great sarcasm. The holidays are always a sore spot for me because I can't spend them with my family due to my NPD mother (long sorrid tale but her abuse is extreme and she has cut me off from them)....so here are my options (I've only been legally separated a while so I'm single):
1. Alone (I will likely choose this I did last year)
2. I've been invited to my XAH's (ummm yeah doesn't sound too fun)
3. I have a couple friends that invited me out to Thanksgiving last year and will again this year but they like to drink and that's just not too fun for me.
4. Doing some sort of charity...yeah sounds nice but I would rather contribute to charity during the regular part of the year when everyone else isn't doing it - that's just me.
So alone...well - lots of movies and pizza I suppose. It's really not that bad I just wanted a change to happen faster after leaving my XAH...you know I was hoping to already my brand new life completed (along with new people to spend holidays with!). Don't get me wrong I love my new life but I'm still in the hallway figuring out the exact direction - and while the hallway is better than being back through the door of alcoholism it is a tough space to reside in.
1. Alone (I will likely choose this I did last year)
2. I've been invited to my XAH's (ummm yeah doesn't sound too fun)
3. I have a couple friends that invited me out to Thanksgiving last year and will again this year but they like to drink and that's just not too fun for me.
4. Doing some sort of charity...yeah sounds nice but I would rather contribute to charity during the regular part of the year when everyone else isn't doing it - that's just me.
So alone...well - lots of movies and pizza I suppose. It's really not that bad I just wanted a change to happen faster after leaving my XAH...you know I was hoping to already my brand new life completed (along with new people to spend holidays with!). Don't get me wrong I love my new life but I'm still in the hallway figuring out the exact direction - and while the hallway is better than being back through the door of alcoholism it is a tough space to reside in.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
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I am going to volunteer with Salvation Army to feed the homeless. My (r)H's family showed me who they really are when he went to rehab earlier this year and I refuse to subject myself to spending even an hour with them. My family is too far and too much $$ to visit.
Actually, re-reading that - that is a pretty sad statement. I would rather spend time with people who I do not know and are in need than with H's family - sad, but true. I don't need that negativity in my life and choose not to be around condescending, judgmental, enabling people.
Still trying to figure out what to do about Christmas. I really just want to go somewhere by myself for a few days, but don't think that would fly.
Actually, re-reading that - that is a pretty sad statement. I would rather spend time with people who I do not know and are in need than with H's family - sad, but true. I don't need that negativity in my life and choose not to be around condescending, judgmental, enabling people.
Still trying to figure out what to do about Christmas. I really just want to go somewhere by myself for a few days, but don't think that would fly.
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Volunteer! Feed people, or heck, offer to walk dogs and feed the cats at the local shelter.
When I'm alone on the holidays I mostly pad around in my PJs and play on the internet. For a couple of years, I took a book to Denny's and had a giant breakfast and a bottomless cup of coffee. It got me out of the house. It works for me, and I usually don't feel terrible. Sometimes I do. I have kids, so I try to play up their holiday and cook a lot and generally be silly.
The best way to get a bad day over with, in my opinion, is to go to bed and get extra rest.
When I'm alone on the holidays I mostly pad around in my PJs and play on the internet. For a couple of years, I took a book to Denny's and had a giant breakfast and a bottomless cup of coffee. It got me out of the house. It works for me, and I usually don't feel terrible. Sometimes I do. I have kids, so I try to play up their holiday and cook a lot and generally be silly.
The best way to get a bad day over with, in my opinion, is to go to bed and get extra rest.
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I've spent a couple of Thanksgivings alone, and the last three New Years'.
Honestly, I didn't think it was that bad -- once I could shut up that voice in my head that kept saying "Look at you! What a LOSER you are! Sitting ALONE on Thanksgiving! I guess people are THANKFUL that they don't have to BE AROUND YOU!?" and things like that.
Once I got past the "what would people think?" aspect of it, it wasn't so bad.
One of my divorced friends has voluntarily given up Christmas Day with his son, so that the son can be with the ex-wife's huge family. He usually goes out to a movie and says it's kind of a relief to not do what you're expected to do on a holiday.
Honestly, I didn't think it was that bad -- once I could shut up that voice in my head that kept saying "Look at you! What a LOSER you are! Sitting ALONE on Thanksgiving! I guess people are THANKFUL that they don't have to BE AROUND YOU!?" and things like that.
Once I got past the "what would people think?" aspect of it, it wasn't so bad.
One of my divorced friends has voluntarily given up Christmas Day with his son, so that the son can be with the ex-wife's huge family. He usually goes out to a movie and says it's kind of a relief to not do what you're expected to do on a holiday.
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I actually find the relief of not having to be or work on the holiday great.
I get you fully though about the feeling of wanting to be further along in this whole recovery piece.
I have not thought a lot about the holidays I realized because I am heading home for the first time in three years before thanksgiving.....that is creating a lot of anxiety. I suspect for those people heading into the holiday with family there is anxiety too.
I get you fully though about the feeling of wanting to be further along in this whole recovery piece.
I have not thought a lot about the holidays I realized because I am heading home for the first time in three years before thanksgiving.....that is creating a lot of anxiety. I suspect for those people heading into the holiday with family there is anxiety too.
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LR - one of the reasons I don't visit my family is because my mother is a very vindictive, cold, mean and dismissive NPD...so yeah that would be way more stressful than being alone. I couldn't imagine if I somehow HAD to go there!! eeek.
I actually don't mind being alone that much....but I know being with someone real and authentic (not an NPD or an A) would be even better, so I'm just lamenting.
I actually don't mind being alone that much....but I know being with someone real and authentic (not an NPD or an A) would be even better, so I'm just lamenting.
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Originally Posted by Aeryn 
LR - one of the reasons I don't visit my family is because my mother is a very vindictive, cold, mean and dismissive NPD...so yeah that would be way more stressful than being alone. I couldn't imagine if I somehow HAD to go there!! eeek.
I actually don't mind being alone that much....but I know being with someone real and authentic (not an NPD or an A) would be even better, so I'm just lamenting.
I actually don't mind being alone that much....but I know being with someone real and authentic (not an NPD or an A) would be even better, so I'm just lamenting.
My family is overall pretty okay. Except there is a lot of codependency that has never been treated. No trauma, but no emotions either.
I usually really enjoy going home. This time I know I have changed, a lot, and I am not sure what to expect.
I know I will be emotional, and less likely to try and keep the peace. I am curious how the vibrations from my change will ripple out into everyone else.
I also know this is so timely. I feel like the barrier I have always kept up is crumbling (which is a good thing).
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Are you near a military base? There are always men and women who can't make it home for the holidays. We have been opening our home to sailors and soldiers for as long as I can remember, and I made sure to carry that tradition into my little family here. I love seeing the faces of those kids when they are laughing and enjoying a meal with our family. You can contact the base's liaison and find out how to adopt a servicemember, if you're in an area where that's possible.
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Are the friends who invited you out alcoholics, chaos and drama of alcoholism?
Sometimes when we grow up with alcoholism and have functioned for years with it, round us we don't have a sense of normal drinking. We can't enjoy or relax because that ghost of alcohol past is constantly talking in our heads.
I've turned down many invites because of my past and of course my alone time because of it isn't really alone, all those people and all those hurts are usually right there in my thoughts with me. Had I gone out and had fun those thoughts would not be taking center stage and I may have had a good time.
Sometimes when we grow up with alcoholism and have functioned for years with it, round us we don't have a sense of normal drinking. We can't enjoy or relax because that ghost of alcohol past is constantly talking in our heads.
I've turned down many invites because of my past and of course my alone time because of it isn't really alone, all those people and all those hurts are usually right there in my thoughts with me. Had I gone out and had fun those thoughts would not be taking center stage and I may have had a good time.
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Oh I get the feeling
One year I spent Xmas with a friend and her family, they were nice but it just reminded me how I was NOT with my family.
I will probably spend it alone as well but maybe can be involved in volunteering. Or something creative....
Holidays have always sucked, as well as Valentine's day and all those days where you are supposed to have fun at all costs..
One year I spent Xmas with a friend and her family, they were nice but it just reminded me how I was NOT with my family.
I will probably spend it alone as well but maybe can be involved in volunteering. Or something creative....
Holidays have always sucked, as well as Valentine's day and all those days where you are supposed to have fun at all costs..
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This year, I think we are going to do the holidays differently. My AH has urinated all over the furniture and carpets to the point that no matter how many times I shampoo the whole house still smells too awful for company. I have a friend who will be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas out of state, so the rest of the family will decamp to his lovely home and celebrate there. I am saddened to think the holidays that everyone comes home for will not be at "home", but home doesn't really feel like home anymore anyway.
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