I'm like a ball of knots......

Old 06-14-2002, 04:36 AM
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Post I'm like a ball of knots......

Last night at 10:00 my A calls. I let the machine pick up - he was drunk of course. He said that he couldn't keep the kids this weekend because his parents are going out of town and he had to work on Saturday to make up for the day I made him miss because I took him to court.

I picked up the phone and told him that he hasn't had his kids since Memorial Day weekend that this was his weekend and he was going to have them because I have plans for myself. He said come on Cin - I need to work - I need the money. I told him, too bad this is your weekend and you will be keeping them - it's Father's Day Sunday and I told him that I had to go and of course he started with the sob stories and I just hung up. He called back a few minutes later - he was crying. I really need to talk to you. I'm really srewed up and need to talk to you because you know me so well. I told him I couldn't help him - that I couldn't keep doing this to myself. He said you always told me that you would be there if I ever needed you and you would always give me your support. (I did tell him that but where is he when I need him or his support - not there) Then he got mad because I wouldn't talk to him. He started getting an attitude and said well when is our divorce going to be final. just go ahead and get this thing over with. You don't want me anymore so let's get it over. I hung up on him again after telling him - his little minds games are not working anymore.

Driving to work this morning I felt guilty for hanging up on him. Should I feel guilty? Should I have listened to him to find out what was bothering him? Should I care? I do care but I can't keep doing this to myself. My therapist told me yesterday to not depend on him even where the kids are concerned and not talk to him at all. She said that is the only way I'll move past and on with my life. If not she asked is this where I want to stay. I can't stay here in this spot because I'm driving my self crazy. I'm about to crack.

I can't focus on anything. I'm forgetting everything. I got written up at work because I'm allowing this to seriously affect me. If I get written up again I could lose my job. I'm going out of work for 3 weeks on medical leave. I really need a break - I'm so overwhelmed and stressed with every aspect of my life. Taking care of three kids basically all by MYSELF. Listening and believing all the lies, not knowing what's reality. I'm always in this state of confusion. I cry all of the time and just can't seem to get it together. I just went off my med's about a month ago cold turkey so that has alot to do with my state of confusion also but we're working on that too.

I believe my A on just about everything he says. I live in this fantasy that he is going to do the right thing when he's incapable of doing the right thing. My stomach and chest feel like a ball of knots. I hate this feeling.

I have a feeling that he doesn't even remember our conversation or if he does he'll probably not pick up the kids and say well I told you that I had to work and couldn't watch them. i don't remember you telling me that you couldn't keep them. He probably won't show up to pick them up from my mom (babysitter) so I'll have to.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Galnva
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Old 06-14-2002, 05:23 AM
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(((Cindy)))) I have emailed you too, just to let you know.
I know this is difficult. If you can keep listening to that part of you telling you what is right, keep doing it. I hate the part of me that questions every little thing I do. YOU have no reason to feel guilty about ANYTHING!!! I know easier said than done for sure. Maybe time off from work will do you some good.. I am here for you.
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Old 06-14-2002, 06:07 AM
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Ann
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Galnva

What I see in your posts are some very positive steps you have taken to ensure YOUR health and well-being.

When he started quacking you detached. Not once, but every time he quacked. You recognize that you are vulnerable to what he says, but obviously your now can also see very quicky when he is trying to manipulate you - and you detach. Way to go.

You are taking time off work for health reasons. That means you recognize that this is making you sick to the extent that you have jeopardized your job. And you are taking time to get help and heal. Terrific thing to do!!!

I know with my son that I can be so overwhelmed by HIS disease, that I don't even recognize how far I have come in MY recovery. And, if I am not careful, I can let my recovery slip. I have made a commitment to myself to work hard and maintain or move forward in my recovery, no matter what. And sometimes that really hurts (I call it growing pains), and sometimes it is very very difficult, and sometimes it doesn't work at all but at least I know I am aware and am trying.

You have come a long way, and the journey is not over, but we are allowed to rest and rebuild our strength along the way. And you are taking time and action to rebuild your strength. And the healing will come, slowly at first, but you will heal.

My prayers are with you. May you have peace.

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Old 06-14-2002, 06:18 AM
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Cindy, you are doing the right thing. You need to focus on yourself and not on him. He will need to get his needs met elsewhere as he has given up the privildge of your support. You are right - support has to work both ways. It should not be that you give, give, give and get nothing in return. You are so much stronger than you were 3 months ago. Just keep trucking, and I agree with limiting your contact with your A. Think of the ducks when he starts his mind games. Quack quack quack! This helps me so much with my husband.
You can have a better life and you are working so hard toward it. It will happen, but you have to make the tough choices and continue on your path. It can take a long time but it will happen. I wish we lived closer together, my kids are teenagers and on their own alot. I wish I could help give you a break with the kids.
Can you make another plan for the kids for this weekend? Is there someone else that could watch them so you can have your weekend? I sope so. Take good care.
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Old 06-14-2002, 06:56 AM
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Thanks you guys,

Your support and advise helps me so much. I'm so thankful for everyone here. This site really has been a lifesaver too me.

I get so caught up in the fantasy and mind games that I can't see the progress I've made. I do feel guilty for hanging up on him. Whenever I do that he tells me how rude I am. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do anyway. That's something that I have to work on. Is hanging up on him dettachment in love? Or is it that right now I can't dettach in love so dettachment of any kind is what I need for my own sanity? Did that make any sense? I just don't think he's ever going to be capable of giving me what i want or need and I know that I can't stay in this place much longer.

Not talking to him or seeing him is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I can do it....I can do it.... I just have to keep telling myself that.

This is how baldy my thinking is screwed up. I feel bad because I think well maybe he really did need me and needed my help. Maybe he was crying out to me last night because he realizes he needs help and actually wants help this time and here I am just turned my back on him. I hung up on him as if was no one. I have such a hard time realizing if he's really telling me the truth or just playing on my sympathy.

thanks,

Love,
Galnva
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Old 06-14-2002, 09:30 AM
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Ann
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Hi Galnva

I read on the other thread that you will be away this weekend. Hope you have a great time and have some fun - you deserve it!!!

We'll miss you. Have a wonderful weekend.

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Old 06-14-2002, 09:39 AM
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Thanks Ann,

I plan on having a good time. I'm going to the beach. I may end up taking the kids with me. That'll be ok. I can have fun with them too. Besides they make me laugh and will help keep my mind off the A.

Love,
Galnva
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