17+ years using - all night dancing obsession
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
17+ years using - all night dancing obsession
Hi Everyone,
I have used drugs and alcohol of various kinds, starting in my teens and for about 17 years now. There have been periods of sobriety, but not necessarily for years at a time.
I think it's pretty clear that I need help, and would like to live an active, healthy lifestyle. But I feel pretty far from the mark right now.
I think the ways in which my use has become problematic for me is how I hadn't been able to keep a job, as I would often be absent or arrive late. I'd get such bad anxiety and depression from my use, that it would just cripple me from going.
In the past 6 months, I think it might be a first, in all of my life, I have managed not to be absent once in those 6 months and I plan on continuing down this path. When I go out and use drugs, I try to ensure I have some time off to recuperate. It's just so hard to cope with the crashes, but I find myself pulled into succumbing to the addiction i have suffered with for the passed 14 years, going to all night dance parties and taking speed or E.
I wanted to talk a bit about that because it will be very hard for me to leave the scene if I don't i think. When I go out to an all night dance party on my thing of choice. I am the "star of the show". My abilities to dance are extra-ordinary and I get so much pleasure from my endurance, the moves I come up with and just have so much fun dancing- My timing, the creativity, the positive reinforcement from others. PArt of me has always wanted to be a performer and has always loved dancing, and so that I find myself while on this stuff beeing so good at something i love doing- I just want to do it more and more (not to mention the reinforcement from the flood of dopamine and other neurotransmitters- triggured in a major way from the substances. It's gotten to the point that I find myself, contemplating that perhaps i could get paid to dance (because i am good at it), while continuing to use...
I think the scariest part for me is I would hate to cause any irreperable long term damage, and hate to be flirting with death, and illness like this. I've lost two teeth (terrible i know), I go out and I will litterally dance like there is no tomorrow for 10+ hours (sure not always at super high energy but still i definitely put my full body into it and mind. Sometimes, i have done this several weekends in a row. Now, it's like once every three weeks but I'll more often than not be up for two days easily and I'll just keep dancing i swear. It's insane really. That's an obsession. I worry about the physical toll this might have on my body as well.
Anyone have any words of wisdom, support, or love of any kind, direction would be much appreciated?
I have used drugs and alcohol of various kinds, starting in my teens and for about 17 years now. There have been periods of sobriety, but not necessarily for years at a time.
I think it's pretty clear that I need help, and would like to live an active, healthy lifestyle. But I feel pretty far from the mark right now.
I think the ways in which my use has become problematic for me is how I hadn't been able to keep a job, as I would often be absent or arrive late. I'd get such bad anxiety and depression from my use, that it would just cripple me from going.
In the past 6 months, I think it might be a first, in all of my life, I have managed not to be absent once in those 6 months and I plan on continuing down this path. When I go out and use drugs, I try to ensure I have some time off to recuperate. It's just so hard to cope with the crashes, but I find myself pulled into succumbing to the addiction i have suffered with for the passed 14 years, going to all night dance parties and taking speed or E.
I wanted to talk a bit about that because it will be very hard for me to leave the scene if I don't i think. When I go out to an all night dance party on my thing of choice. I am the "star of the show". My abilities to dance are extra-ordinary and I get so much pleasure from my endurance, the moves I come up with and just have so much fun dancing- My timing, the creativity, the positive reinforcement from others. PArt of me has always wanted to be a performer and has always loved dancing, and so that I find myself while on this stuff beeing so good at something i love doing- I just want to do it more and more (not to mention the reinforcement from the flood of dopamine and other neurotransmitters- triggured in a major way from the substances. It's gotten to the point that I find myself, contemplating that perhaps i could get paid to dance (because i am good at it), while continuing to use...
I think the scariest part for me is I would hate to cause any irreperable long term damage, and hate to be flirting with death, and illness like this. I've lost two teeth (terrible i know), I go out and I will litterally dance like there is no tomorrow for 10+ hours (sure not always at super high energy but still i definitely put my full body into it and mind. Sometimes, i have done this several weekends in a row. Now, it's like once every three weeks but I'll more often than not be up for two days easily and I'll just keep dancing i swear. It's insane really. That's an obsession. I worry about the physical toll this might have on my body as well.
Anyone have any words of wisdom, support, or love of any kind, direction would be much appreciated?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Scotland UK
Posts: 122
Dancing apart - what's most important here is that you try to get clean and sober, if that's what you really want. Excessive drinking and drug-taking will take its toll on your health and life in general. You could join a dance class and discover how well you "perform" sober. Maybe you do have a hidden talent. On the other hand, and I'm sure many others here will agree, the intoxicated brain allows us to think that we are exceptionally outstanding at many of the performing arts. I've seen many drunken "singers" and wasted "dancers" in my time being encouraged by other revellers. Sadly, I think I've been on that "stage" myself more than once or twice.
Good luck with whatever decisions you make from now on, I wish you the best
Ps JOIN THAT DANCE CLASS!!
Good luck with whatever decisions you make from now on, I wish you the best
Ps JOIN THAT DANCE CLASS!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I think the scariest part for me is I would hate to cause any irreperable long term damage, and hate to be flirting with death, and illness like this. I've lost two teeth (terrible i know), I go out and I will litterally dance like there is no tomorrow for 10+ hours (sure not always at super high energy but still i definitely put my full body into it and mind. Sometimes, i have done this several weekends in a row. Now, it's like once every three weeks but I'll more often than not be up for two days easily and I'll just keep dancing i swear. It's insane really. That's an obsession. I worry about the physical toll this might have on my body as well.
Okay, I think you are deluding yourself here. You seem to be aware of the science (dopamine release) yet you are concerned about LT health effects in the same post? Every time you take ecstasy, you are burning small holes in your brain. The euphoria you feel is the flood of dopamine to you brain and the crash is the rush of seretonin that floods your brain (you are rewiring your neuro transmitters). In short you are steeling your forward happiness for the short term high and doing irreparable damage.
In terms of the speed, I am assuming crystal given the two teeth that you have lost. Try reading through the following website What is Meth, Effects of Meth & Facts About Methamphetamine - Meth Project. It is the worst drug to take full stop, in my opinion. The high is your body reacting to the poison, this is different than most other drugs.
It is never too late to make positive changes. SR is a great forum and there is a drug specific forum that might be more helpful to you but given the drugs and timeframe, I think you might consider an in treatment rehab as a better solution. Secondly, you are loosing teeth but still romancing the dancing, so while you may want to stop, I am not hearing that in this post.
Best of luck.
Okay, I think you are deluding yourself here. You seem to be aware of the science (dopamine release) yet you are concerned about LT health effects in the same post? Every time you take ecstasy, you are burning small holes in your brain. The euphoria you feel is the flood of dopamine to you brain and the crash is the rush of seretonin that floods your brain (you are rewiring your neuro transmitters). In short you are steeling your forward happiness for the short term high and doing irreparable damage.
In terms of the speed, I am assuming crystal given the two teeth that you have lost. Try reading through the following website What is Meth, Effects of Meth & Facts About Methamphetamine - Meth Project. It is the worst drug to take full stop, in my opinion. The high is your body reacting to the poison, this is different than most other drugs.
It is never too late to make positive changes. SR is a great forum and there is a drug specific forum that might be more helpful to you but given the drugs and timeframe, I think you might consider an in treatment rehab as a better solution. Secondly, you are loosing teeth but still romancing the dancing, so while you may want to stop, I am not hearing that in this post.
Best of luck.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. You see you have a problem. Now you just need to find the strength within to change.
We tell those in recovery they have to change the people, places, and things associated with the addiction.
For you, that would be the "scene" you speak of. It seems linked inexorably to the drugs you abuse.
You want to be the star of the show? Find another place to shine...drug-free.
Good luck.
Originally Posted by nolifenowhere 
I wanted to talk a bit about that because it will be very hard for me to leave the scene if I don't i think.
For you, that would be the "scene" you speak of. It seems linked inexorably to the drugs you abuse.
You want to be the star of the show? Find another place to shine...drug-free.
Good luck.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
This sounds similar to my experience of bi-polar. I don't know if you have any bi-polar, or if it is just being mimicked with drug and alcohol abuse, but the feelings and experiences you describe I can very much relate to.
Though I love my "highs", and felt invincible at times, the reality was it was taking a serious and irreprable toll on my life, health, relationships etc. I couldn't maintain the facade either through drug use, mental illness or will power. Something had to give.
I think one of the fears in stopping using is that we will have to give up all fun in life. Become dour, boring, hiding in the shadows excuses for real people.
While obviously there were changes I had to make in my life when I chose to live sober, they weren't all downers. It was NOT a matter of giving up everything fun. There were things I stopped doing, new things I started doing. There is real full, fun life to be lived.
With a little sober time I realize that choice/freedom is a big part of it for me. I like having a choice. When I was tangled in addiction I had no choice, I was living on compulsion, fear, reaction, like a stone thrown into a Canyon ricocheting off the walls this way, that way, but inevitably down to the bottom.
I made the mistake of thinking living sober was just the same. Another prison, but this one minus any of the fun of using. I was wrong. Sobriety is the opposite of a prison. It's freedom, choice. I can decide what to do, where to go, who to hang out with, how to spend my time, where to use my talents.
I am no longer a "prostitute" to the "pimp" of mind altering substances.
Though I love my "highs", and felt invincible at times, the reality was it was taking a serious and irreprable toll on my life, health, relationships etc. I couldn't maintain the facade either through drug use, mental illness or will power. Something had to give.
I think one of the fears in stopping using is that we will have to give up all fun in life. Become dour, boring, hiding in the shadows excuses for real people.
While obviously there were changes I had to make in my life when I chose to live sober, they weren't all downers. It was NOT a matter of giving up everything fun. There were things I stopped doing, new things I started doing. There is real full, fun life to be lived.
With a little sober time I realize that choice/freedom is a big part of it for me. I like having a choice. When I was tangled in addiction I had no choice, I was living on compulsion, fear, reaction, like a stone thrown into a Canyon ricocheting off the walls this way, that way, but inevitably down to the bottom.
I made the mistake of thinking living sober was just the same. Another prison, but this one minus any of the fun of using. I was wrong. Sobriety is the opposite of a prison. It's freedom, choice. I can decide what to do, where to go, who to hang out with, how to spend my time, where to use my talents.
I am no longer a "prostitute" to the "pimp" of mind altering substances.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
Some answers to your replies - still need to respond to the last two - coming soon. Thank you for all of your replies. You've helped reinforce some points for me and just appreciate the support and feedback/perspectives- thank you.
Skye2: Yes, I am undergoing some counselling and soon will be joining some in person group therapy for substance and alcohol use.
Butterfly33: I fully agree that the important thing here is getting clean and sober. Even if I was a really great dancer while high, it comes at such a high price that it isn’t the least bit worth it. No matter how much reinforcement I get from others or pleasure I might feel in the moment, I just need to realize it is somewhat of an illusory state. I definitely should take a dance class, and work on developing my talent naturally.
Jdooner: You think I am deluding myself, eh?. While, I do agree that to some extent I am deluding myself not sure I agree with the reasons you give for why you think that. Care to elaborate? You seem to say that I am necessarily causing irreparable damage and yet research does not support that conclusion. With that being said, just because using amphetamine or methamphetamine hasn’t been proven to always lead to irreparable damage doesn’t mean that it wont or cant.
Regardless, it’s hard to believe that the taking of these drugs, combined with the incessant dancing is not taking some kind of toll on my brain and body.
Well, it’s speed that I have been taking lately, which is usually amphetamine or methamphetamine. I take it orally. I just found out recently that speed can actually be made with methamphetamine and having had read a lot about meth, since I had found that out it just added another dimension to the fear and concern.
I agree, it is never too late to make positive changes and I have made many over the months, years etc. you might not hear me saying I want to stop, but I definitely do and have already started taking steps towards this. I have stopped several times, throughout my life, and engaged in complete abstinence from drugs and drinking. I definitely don’t need an in treatment rehab.
Thank you for your response all the same and thank you for the link. It’s a cool site.
Doggonecarl: Thank you. Yes, I do see I have a problem. I know I can stop as well, as I have done it before. It’s the staying stopped that I need to work better at. I shall abstain from going to the places where I usually dance, and other triggures, at least while I am still vlnerable. It definitely is linked.
I definitely do want to perform and agree that it would be important for me to find an outlet for that.
Thank you.
Sugarbear: I have hours and hours and hours of footage of myself dancing. From the first time I ever found myself high and dancing it has been a fascination of mine to see myself dancing, as I wondered what I looked like, thinking maybe I only danced well in my head. I know I have seen some people dancing while they were high, and they definitely looked wasted. I must look high, because I am in a place where people tend to be high, and as far as I am concerned, someone dancing for almost 10 hrs straight with almost no sign of letting up, probably looks high. But otherwise, I keep the rhythm. I have moves, sometimes sexy, sometimes funky, fun, playful, high energy. I do like the attention I get from people, guys, and girls, and just enjoy doing it. But im high- If someone wins a 50 yard dash while on performance enhancing drugs, what joy is there in that? It’s like cheating and I feel like I am cheating myself and that’s the point.
Skye2: Yes, I am undergoing some counselling and soon will be joining some in person group therapy for substance and alcohol use.
Butterfly33: I fully agree that the important thing here is getting clean and sober. Even if I was a really great dancer while high, it comes at such a high price that it isn’t the least bit worth it. No matter how much reinforcement I get from others or pleasure I might feel in the moment, I just need to realize it is somewhat of an illusory state. I definitely should take a dance class, and work on developing my talent naturally.
Jdooner: You think I am deluding myself, eh?. While, I do agree that to some extent I am deluding myself not sure I agree with the reasons you give for why you think that. Care to elaborate? You seem to say that I am necessarily causing irreparable damage and yet research does not support that conclusion. With that being said, just because using amphetamine or methamphetamine hasn’t been proven to always lead to irreparable damage doesn’t mean that it wont or cant.
Regardless, it’s hard to believe that the taking of these drugs, combined with the incessant dancing is not taking some kind of toll on my brain and body.
Well, it’s speed that I have been taking lately, which is usually amphetamine or methamphetamine. I take it orally. I just found out recently that speed can actually be made with methamphetamine and having had read a lot about meth, since I had found that out it just added another dimension to the fear and concern.
I agree, it is never too late to make positive changes and I have made many over the months, years etc. you might not hear me saying I want to stop, but I definitely do and have already started taking steps towards this. I have stopped several times, throughout my life, and engaged in complete abstinence from drugs and drinking. I definitely don’t need an in treatment rehab.
Thank you for your response all the same and thank you for the link. It’s a cool site.
Doggonecarl: Thank you. Yes, I do see I have a problem. I know I can stop as well, as I have done it before. It’s the staying stopped that I need to work better at. I shall abstain from going to the places where I usually dance, and other triggures, at least while I am still vlnerable. It definitely is linked.
I definitely do want to perform and agree that it would be important for me to find an outlet for that.
Thank you.
Sugarbear: I have hours and hours and hours of footage of myself dancing. From the first time I ever found myself high and dancing it has been a fascination of mine to see myself dancing, as I wondered what I looked like, thinking maybe I only danced well in my head. I know I have seen some people dancing while they were high, and they definitely looked wasted. I must look high, because I am in a place where people tend to be high, and as far as I am concerned, someone dancing for almost 10 hrs straight with almost no sign of letting up, probably looks high. But otherwise, I keep the rhythm. I have moves, sometimes sexy, sometimes funky, fun, playful, high energy. I do like the attention I get from people, guys, and girls, and just enjoy doing it. But im high- If someone wins a 50 yard dash while on performance enhancing drugs, what joy is there in that? It’s like cheating and I feel like I am cheating myself and that’s the point.
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