anona

Ever since I found out my AH was secretly drinking... I've just felt this huge sense of loss.

We used to be so close. I felt like I could trust him, lean on him, rely on him for anything. Even during the time that he was apparently drinking... I kind of wish I didn't know about it now.

He's been sober for a month now, just finished rehab & is in a step-down program...

I am wondering if I'll ever feel like I have him back. We are so distant & I'm so angry & resentful.

I am going through so much (completely unrelated to his alcoholism) and I desperately crave the support I used to get from him.

He has kind of checked out of our family. He's hardly home (work, AA, recovery group, etc.) and even when he's not busy he's more often choosing to not do things with our family. He is not parenting at all anymore and a lot of his minimal interactions with our child are impatient and angry. He's sulky and preoccupied. He doesn't seem to have room in his mind or his heart for us right now.

I get it... kind of... but it hurts. I miss having a partner & a co-parent & a friend. I don't like feeling like I'm on my own and I am dealing with other serious issues on top of it all.

Katchie

Do you attend alanon meetings? Hope so; perhaps attend more than one during the week for extra support along with getting yourself a sponsor if you haven't already so someone is just a call away.

I know you're hurting but the good news is that your spouse has admitted his addiction and has sought help. Mine has yet to do that. If at all possible, try thinking on the things you have to be grateful for like your wonderful children and that your spouse is working on himself.

I understand what it's like to have a spouse not help with the family. Mine has never helped with parenting; he's always preferred to be their buddy leaving the muck for me to shovel. But you know, my children respect me for that and I suspect yours do/will you too.

Keep your chin up! I'll be praying for you and your family!

Hammer

You understand that if he is secretly drinking and not telling the group, etc. -- the whole thing is a farce?

LightInside

Hi, Anona.

My situation isn't the same as yours, but I absolutely get that feeling of grieving someone who hasn't died. In a sense, the man you once knew has died. Even in recovery, he will never go back to being that same man. He could eventually be great again, but he won't be that same person.

I have said before that I feel like the man I love has died, but that someone else is walking around wearing his face and skin. I decided that I would approach my loss from that angle, but it's tough. I can't really get away from him completely because we have a toddler together. At least he wants to see our son.

I too was pretty much doing most of the parenting. Then my A left to go find himself and now I do even more. It's tough learning my new normal, but it's getting better.

I'm sorry for your loss. This is a MEAN disease. You are not alone. I too recommend Al Anon. Hugs to you.

netta1966

LightInside, I feel like i wrote what you just quoted. I've been greiving too for my AH. The more i learn about Alcoholism, the more i hate this disease. I cry everyday for the loss of the man I married. It's as if the man I married left his body. I still pray for him to embrace his recovery and get sober but in the meantime, i still grieve for the man i love who's left.

hopeful4

I agree with a couple things. One that person will never be the same, nor will you. I have learned that the bitterness and anger on both parts does not just go away because he goes to rehab. I have also learned that there may come a time that you realize that you just don't like each other anymore. That is so sad for me to say, but it is true. You do go through that mourning for what was. Then it is time to work on what is and see what you have and if both of you can deal with each other.

I also agree with Hammer. He seems disengaged which has you confused and angry. I am not saying he is but if he is drinking and hiding it from everyone including you it would certainly explain that. It may not be that. The skeptic inside me wonders as most people who are actively working recovery are advised about the importance of doing so together with your entire family.

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and make sure you are finding the time to be working on YOU.

anona

Yeah I have no idea, he could still be drinking, obviously I couldn't tell before so how would I know now?? He also makes weird excuses for things (like, he didn't get his 30-day chip because he didn't get up in time to get it???) so I am cautiously skeptical, but my gut says he really is sober. They did breathalyzer tests most days while he was in the rehab program (but I don't know what they do if he doesn't pass the test). The secrecy & lies are drive me insane and make me question everything!!

I do go to Alanon but only once a week, even that is hard to manage because I have a young child & no childcare and that is the only day/time I can get a friend to watch him. A lot of my frustration & resentment is around this actually, that AH can go to rehab/therapy/AA/etc. every day of the week if he needs to, but I can barely get to something once a week, and I haven't been to therapy in a month, and I can't get to the cancer support groups I want to go to, etc. Makes me wonder what other people with young kids do if they don't have a co-parent....

Katchie

Sorry it's so rough for you.

I'm able to go to more than one group because my children are older and in school. Have you looked into a mothers day out program at your local churches? I use to send mine to such things occasionally when they were young. I don't want to push a church on you if that's not your thing, so apologies upfront, but sometimes they can be a great resource when you're hurting and need help. They are kind of in the business of helping people, or at least they are suppose to be. It's just a thought.

hopeful4

I do go to Alanon but only once a week, even that is hard to manage because I have a young child & no childcare and that is the only day/time I can get a friend to watch him. A lot of my frustration & resentment is around this actually, that AH can go to rehab/therapy/AA/etc. every day of the week if he needs to, but I can barely get to something once a week, and I haven't been to therapy in a month, and I can't get to the cancer support groups I want to go to, etc. Makes me wonder what other people with young kids do if they don't have a co-parent....[/QUOTE]

Yes, the secrecy and lies are what do me in. I could much more handle him just saying "Today was rough, I drank" than lie to me. I however always know so it is useless to lie. Geez, what a life.

I got to Celebrate Recovery here where I live as do my husband and kids. You may want to check it out as they not only offer the program and materials for free (it is alot like Alanon but more of a religious base) they also offer a free meal (it's a good one) and free childcare. These people have become close friends and I have no idea how I would have handled the past three years without them. It's a great program. No pressure, just wanted to let you know there are alternatives out there.

LightInside

Have you checked to see if any of the Al Anon mtgs. in your area have free childcare? The only meetings I ever get to are those with free childcare. Lucky me that I live in an area that has at least 3 each week.

anona

There are only 2 Al Anon meetings in my whole state that offer babysitting (and they are both an hour away & not days/times I could do anyway). Celebrate Recovery does not have any meetings in my state. I am open to other types of meetings if anyone knows of others... Religious is fine & even desirable, I am very religious.

hopeful4

Check with your local churches. They are the ones who put me in touch w/Celebrate Recovery and may know about other like programs in your area. Prob bigger churches will have more resources. Also try counselors offices, they usually know about such things. Maybe the hospital social workers or Department of Children and Families may know. Keep checking, you will find something! ((HUGS))

SteppingStone

Hi Anona,

I went through the same thing with my XABF, he moved out 3 weeks ago and I am devastated......................WE are devastated (my 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship has bonded with him more than her real Father!)

If you want to try and save your marriage, Id suggest reading 2 chapters from the AA 'Big Book' - 'To the Wives' & 'The Family Afterwards'. I read them last week and I think if I had read them at the start of his, now 7 month, sobriety, I may have understood the disease better and maybe had some tips on what to expect & how to deal with it.

I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings at the start but felt out of place so I never went back. I am, in no way, slating Al-Anon - it just didn't feel right for me. However, I am going to go back & try again. I also have details of my Local Rehab as they do a meeting similar to Al-Anon so I may feel more comfortable there.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I just wish someone had given ME some advice at the start & maybe I could've saved my relationship so I'd hate for another family to feel how I feel right now.........especially if there is a chance to save it.

Also, I'm glad I found this site for support so keep coming back.

Love & Serenity.

Ifeelcrazy

OMG, I am exactly in that same boat. Hurts like hell and I am a mess. I am trying to give him the space he demands and deal with all the withdraw, but I am the one left behind too. I miss my bff, family support and him. sorry I know where you are

LightInside

Hang in there, my friends. You have to go through the pain, but it will get better and easier. I promise. I'm 3 months past my XAPartner ditching me. I'm starting to feel happy and excited about my newfound freedom. I can put my loose hair on the shower wall and he won't yell at me. If the bath mat isn't hanging on the edge of the tub, it's MY fault and I just don't care because *I'm the one who left it that way. When I put my son to bed all by myself, I rarely think about him anymore. We do things MY way around here now.

I'm lessening the thoughts that I'm not worthy and starting to think more of, "What the hell is wrong with him to not want a fun, sweet lady like me?" And "What is wrong with him that he could never take a look at me and where I'm coming from like he used to?" One day I won't even be wondering these things.

Do I miss him? Yes, absolutely. The person I miss hasn't been around for about 2 years now though. Time to let go of my illusion that he'll be back. Time to make myself healthy so that I can have fun with my son, friends, family, and that sane partner I'll one day attract.