Wtf?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
Wtf?
I haven't really been on the forum in months. After I allowed myself to fall apart, I pieced myself back together. Life goes on.
Except, now... life has decided that it's time for me to take on the mother of all codie relapses. I started struggling... had to call my ex-ABF for help. Had some family issues occur that I have to deal with. And now, the reason I came back to the forum:
A pretty good friend of mine reached out to me. We haven't been friends long, but we're incredibly close. She sent me a message that simply said "Help". So, I asked her what was wrong. She then proceeded to tell me that a friend of hers attacked her. Well, she's in denial that it was an attack. According to her, they had too much to drink (she's admitted to having a problem an alcohol), she sat on the floor, and he proceeded to kick her. She also tried reaching for a pen and he roughly grabbed her arm.
I don't live very close to her, but I offered to drive there and get her. She knows I don't have much; but I told her that I had a safe apartment she could stay in. She declined. She kept blaming herself for what happened. He was upset because she didn't do something. She shouldn't have been on the floor. He was mad. She's just needs to stop drinking -- because he insists on drinking when she drinks and they do things they regret when they're drunk.
I told her that he had no right to do that to her. That she didn't have to take it. They live together, and I told her she could come stay with me. She said, "No, I would have to put everything in my car". That tells me that she at least thought about it. She said that he made her feel sad, like running away. She was crying and he didn't care. But as the conversation progressed, her demeanor changed. Suddenly, things were okay. They "talked it out". "Things are good 90% of the time" and "He's actually a really good thing in my life". They just "drink too much and do crazy things when drunk".
She says that he has never attacked her before, but I'm not convinced.
The codie in me wants to rush down there and get her. She doesn't want my help though. The recovering codie in me wants to have nothing more to do with her, out of fear that she'll jeopardize what's left of my somewhat shaky recovery. Still, there's a part of me that isn't sitting well with leaving her to suffer alone. She didn't tell anyone else about the situation. Still, she's trying to reassure me that everything is okay. They've been "such good friends" for "such a long time" and lately they've been "better than ever".
I want someone to tell me that my interpretation of the between the lines context of the conversation indicates that she wants help. That she just hasn't come around yet. I remember being in denial, like she is. It's the hardest wake-up call ever.
But... this is SR. And unless things have changed in the last few months, then I'm going to get the truth and nothing but the truth. No worries, though; I can handle it.
Except, now... life has decided that it's time for me to take on the mother of all codie relapses. I started struggling... had to call my ex-ABF for help. Had some family issues occur that I have to deal with. And now, the reason I came back to the forum:
A pretty good friend of mine reached out to me. We haven't been friends long, but we're incredibly close. She sent me a message that simply said "Help". So, I asked her what was wrong. She then proceeded to tell me that a friend of hers attacked her. Well, she's in denial that it was an attack. According to her, they had too much to drink (she's admitted to having a problem an alcohol), she sat on the floor, and he proceeded to kick her. She also tried reaching for a pen and he roughly grabbed her arm.
I don't live very close to her, but I offered to drive there and get her. She knows I don't have much; but I told her that I had a safe apartment she could stay in. She declined. She kept blaming herself for what happened. He was upset because she didn't do something. She shouldn't have been on the floor. He was mad. She's just needs to stop drinking -- because he insists on drinking when she drinks and they do things they regret when they're drunk.
I told her that he had no right to do that to her. That she didn't have to take it. They live together, and I told her she could come stay with me. She said, "No, I would have to put everything in my car". That tells me that she at least thought about it. She said that he made her feel sad, like running away. She was crying and he didn't care. But as the conversation progressed, her demeanor changed. Suddenly, things were okay. They "talked it out". "Things are good 90% of the time" and "He's actually a really good thing in my life". They just "drink too much and do crazy things when drunk".
She says that he has never attacked her before, but I'm not convinced.
The codie in me wants to rush down there and get her. She doesn't want my help though. The recovering codie in me wants to have nothing more to do with her, out of fear that she'll jeopardize what's left of my somewhat shaky recovery. Still, there's a part of me that isn't sitting well with leaving her to suffer alone. She didn't tell anyone else about the situation. Still, she's trying to reassure me that everything is okay. They've been "such good friends" for "such a long time" and lately they've been "better than ever".
I want someone to tell me that my interpretation of the between the lines context of the conversation indicates that she wants help. That she just hasn't come around yet. I remember being in denial, like she is. It's the hardest wake-up call ever.
But... this is SR. And unless things have changed in the last few months, then I'm going to get the truth and nothing but the truth. No worries, though; I can handle it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Denial is NOT something you can fix/help for someone else. She is going to have to come to terms with this situation on her own.
Sounds like they both drink too much and behave badly.
Not sure what you can do for her if she keeps assuring you that everything "is fine"
I would take a step back, more will be revealed.................
Sounds like they both drink too much and behave badly.
Not sure what you can do for her if she keeps assuring you that everything "is fine"
I would take a step back, more will be revealed.................
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello AnonK, and pleased to "meet" you 
I think it's awesome that you want to help your friend. A good way to start helping her is to read thru the stickies we have on the subject.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
Mike
I think it's awesome that you want to help your friend. A good way to start helping her is to read thru the stickies we have on the subject.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
Mike
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are obviously a great friend. However, you are correct. She is in denial. You cannot pull her out, only she can do that. Could you send her a great book about it or some articles with a letter from you?
She is not at the very first step yet, which is admitting the problem. Until she is ready you would be wasting some very real energy for nothing I am afraid, and putting yourself back into codie relapse so to speak.
Good Luck. It is certainly hard when you see something like that and they are in denial. Keep coming back, you are not alone!
She is not at the very first step yet, which is admitting the problem. Until she is ready you would be wasting some very real energy for nothing I am afraid, and putting yourself back into codie relapse so to speak.
Good Luck. It is certainly hard when you see something like that and they are in denial. Keep coming back, you are not alone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
Thank you all. I swear, I have some sort of magnet that pulls alcoholics towards me.
It's hard having to sit and watch them until they hit their rock bottom. I know that I can't do anything, but I still need to vent. To rant.
I know that it's HER life and HER choice, but I worry about her. She says that they agreed to stop drinking alcohol for a while, but... if she's got a problem with alcohol (as she says) and he "insists on drinking when [she] does", then I don't see alcohol abstainence working.
Towards the end of our conversation, she said that it was a mistake to tell me. She knows I'm terribly worried about her. She said that things weren't quite as bad as she made them seem. They talked about it. They understood each other in ways that no one else does.
I had to read between the lines of the conversation, and something still (after sleeping on it) doesn't seem right to me. She indicated to me that they've had issues for a long time, and that they "consistently" work on them. Honestly, I think that my friend is scared of having to pack up everything she has and start her life over again. She said that she would leave if it "honestly ever got bad enough" to where she didn't feel safe. I think she's afraid of leaving the familiarity of what she knows for the safety of what she doesn't. But I can tell, from the first part of the conversation, that she wants help. Or wanted, at least. So maybe she will want help again in the future. And I will stand back and wait for that moment to come.
It's hard having to sit and watch them until they hit their rock bottom. I know that I can't do anything, but I still need to vent. To rant.
I know that it's HER life and HER choice, but I worry about her. She says that they agreed to stop drinking alcohol for a while, but... if she's got a problem with alcohol (as she says) and he "insists on drinking when [she] does", then I don't see alcohol abstainence working.
Towards the end of our conversation, she said that it was a mistake to tell me. She knows I'm terribly worried about her. She said that things weren't quite as bad as she made them seem. They talked about it. They understood each other in ways that no one else does.
I had to read between the lines of the conversation, and something still (after sleeping on it) doesn't seem right to me. She indicated to me that they've had issues for a long time, and that they "consistently" work on them. Honestly, I think that my friend is scared of having to pack up everything she has and start her life over again. She said that she would leave if it "honestly ever got bad enough" to where she didn't feel safe. I think she's afraid of leaving the familiarity of what she knows for the safety of what she doesn't. But I can tell, from the first part of the conversation, that she wants help. Or wanted, at least. So maybe she will want help again in the future. And I will stand back and wait for that moment to come.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by AnonK 
I know that it's HER life and HER choice, but I worry about her. She says that they agreed to stop drinking alcohol for a while, but... if she's got a problem with alcohol (as she says) and he "insists on drinking when [she] does", then I I had to read between the lines of the conversation, and something still (after sleeping on it) doesn't seem right to me. She indicated to me that they've had issues for a long time, and that they "consistently" work on them. Honestly, I think that my friend is scared of having to pack up everything she has and start her life over again. She said that she would leave if it "honestly ever got bad enough" to where she didn't feel safe. I think she's afraid of leaving the familiarity of what she knows for the safety of what she doesn't. But I can tell, from the first part of the conversation, that she wants help. Or wanted, at least. So maybe she will want help again in the future. And I will stand back and wait for that moment to come.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I think you have just articulated the reason why most codependents/alcoholics don't leave. It is certainly why I have not left my alcoholic husband. It is very hard to change. It is hard to leave someone you still love and the memories of what was. It is hard to give up what you have worked hard to build both in the relationship and monetarily. The unknown is very scary and I personally have a hard time with the unknown and not knowing what will happen next. I am guessing she feels the same.
I know she's got to hit her rock bottom too. She hasn't been herself lately (even before this happened). She's been acting differently and she isn't happy very much with life. I've been worried for her for a while, and this certainly didn't/doesn't help matters.
Change is scary, but change is also beautiful.
Thanks so much for your reply.
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