Jd77

So ABF left me a voice mail last night telling me that he has found a three month program located in the Adirondaks Mts. where he will be going after rehab. Apparently it's a nice retreat that they learn about themselves and have group discussions and therapy. They can horseback ride and ski. The best thing is that Medicaid pays for it!!!! So why does he get a nice three month vacation in some cozy retreat after he has broken the law and I get to work, take out my garbage, do laundry, and feel with the emotional mess he caused? There is something not fair about this! It really pisses me off. I want three months to learn about myself and hike and ski. He deserves a punishment not a vacation!

ResignedToWait

Even I'm jealous!

Hopefully it's not as nice as it sounds...maybe they use that to make going to the rehab easier on the addict, but the reality of the place is different.

dandylion

My Dear, Dear Jd....I hate to say this out loud....but, if you are looking for fairness when involved with an alcoholic, you are likely to have a long, long, wait........like till infinity!

With alcoholism--there is REALITY. Someone wrote, on here, recently "Reality does not mold to fit us---we have to mold ourselves to fit reality".

That really resonated with me.

dandylion

JustAGirl1971

I don't blame you for feeling angry My initial reaction when reading your post was to feel angry, too (as a taxpayer whose taxes help fund medicaid.) But, I would assume that staying in a rehab/treatment facility would be no picnic... even a facility that includes skiing and horseback riding for leisure time.

Of course, it would probably feel more fair to those left behind if the rehab facility were more like a survival wilderness boot camp

hopeful4

I so agree! We just discussed this in another post the other day. There should be a treatment program that insurance pays for for the partner!! We are the ones still holding it all together while they are working on themselves..psshht.

Katchie

Since the whole family is considered "diseased" by the actions/decisions of the A in our lives, do we get to go too??

Jd77

Seriously! I would love to leave all the stress from work behind and spend three months working on myself!! I am really angry about this. He gets arrested, loses his job then qualifies for Medicaid and welfare and gets three months away from reality while I have to work try to work on my emotional health in the meantime. It really sucks!

Carlotta

I think someone had posted in the F and F forum a while about going to a rehab for codies, I did not even know it existed.

CharlieNoogan

I'm confused. Your ABF wants to continue professional treatment for his addiction when he could do the easier thing and stop after rehab. Obviously he realizes that he needs additional care. I would call this a breakthrough.

Would you prefer if he came home now and immediately relapsed?

I suspect there are some resentments going on with you. You say you want to work on yourself. Why not give Al-Anon or Nar-Anon a try to deal with these issues?

Jd77

I think he's just going there to get out of jail time for his fourth dwi

Wisconsin

Oooo...I'm trying to figure out how to say what I want to say here, without sounding obnoxious and defensive.

CharlieNoogan, it seems from your other posts here at SR that you are an alcoholic in recovery. Congratulations, from the bottom of my heart, on your hard-earned sobriety. I am not an alcoholic, and cannot even begin to imagine the power that your addiction has wielded in your life, and what a life-changing thing sobriety is.

Similarly, unless I am missing something and you are in a relationship with an actively drinking (or using) addict, it is likely difficult for you to imagine what it is like to be in that situation. I am always glad to have an alcoholic's perspective on things--interaction with "double winners" in particular has been a big part of my own recovery.

YES, we contribute to our own situations and dramas. YES, we make mistake after mistake until we find our own paths to recovery. And YES, we have resentments. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I resent that I have not been able to sleep in on a Saturday (or any other day, for that matter) for three years. I resent that I have not been able to do anything socially without at least kid along for the ride in over a year. I resent that my once active and passionate sex life is totally gone. As co-dependents and enablers, nobody waves a magic wand to instantly cure us of our issues. And you are absolutely right--we DO have an obligation to work on ourselves, work past our resentments, and become healthier for our own sakes.

But I would also like to suggest that part of our recovery is being open and honest about our feelings. After years of minimizing the impacts of addiction on our lives, many of us need to learn how to just acknowledge how much things have really, truly sucked for a long time. Our feelings of resentment are, in my opinion, very normal. We have contributed to the situations that have led to our resentments, yes. But still...the feelings are normal and valid. I would LOVE for my AH to choose recovery and check in to rehab. I would be grateful. I would be relieved, mostly for our son's sake. I would NOT (not anymore, at least) become so emotionally invested in the success or failure of his recovery program that I lose sight of myself, my needs, and where I need to work on myself. And if I am to be truly honest, a part of me would definitely be resentful that yet again, I am left to shoulder a large burden because of someone else's disease. Part of my recovery has been to realize that many of my resentments are really about the disease, and about the person. But it has taken me a long time, and has required a lot of difficult emotional work, to get to that point.

I understand the sentiment behind your post, and agree with it completely. But I think it's also important to give the original poster some validation for what she's feeling, because that's important to her ability to deal with it and move forward with her life. Her feelings are common, normal, and valid.

Lyssy

Very well said Wisconsin.

To OP - I too had (still have?) a lot of resentment. You are entitled to your feelings and can use this place to vent them. We (most) have been there. I am going on my third year of no "real" vacation - mostly because of my (r)AH and his drinking and now this year due to "his" detox/rehab of three weeks. I have a total of five weeks PAID vacation a year and have not done anything exciting or fun in over two years. NEXT YEAR THIS WILL CHANGE!! While he spends his $20/week on lottery/quick picks I am slowly socking away money and I am going on a really nice, long vacation next year. I am not sure when or where yet, but it will be by myself!!!

Wisconsin

The dreaded typo! I meant to say that "Part of my recovery has been to realize that many of my resentments are really about the disease, and NOT about the person." My bad...

hopeful4

I usto say "Hate the Disease, Still love the Person" and have told my children that theory also. However....I have to say I believe it is humanly impossible to not have huge resentments against someone you see is damaging not only your life but that of your children. I resent the constant lies. I resent what his addiction has done to me mentally and the mistrust I feel. Those are reactions of things he has done while both drunk AND while sober. I hate that addiction seems to be a catch all for so many bad behaviors. My parents brought me up not to lie. I think even if I was laying down dead drunk I would not lie because I don't lie. I cannot think of any circumstance in my life that I have not put the well being of my children first. Ever.

I am not trying to be on my high horse and say I am some perfect person...that is definitely not the case. I am just trying to say that I don't think addiction is an EXCUSE and for me I made excuses for years for him and won't anymore. His actions are his, time to own them.

CharlieNoogan

I saw plenty of validation throughout this thread.

I simply provided another angle of looking at the situation that had not yet been iterated. It is hard enough to work a recovery program with unconditional support from friends and family. Take that away and replace it with anger over the recovery process itself, and the mind of an addict goes immediately to, "What's the point? I use, she's angry. I try to get better, she's angry."

I am a "double winner," as you put it, and I agree it is difficult to reconcile the necessary selfishness of the recovery process with the desire to get the addict/alcoholic "back to normal." I in no way meant to minimize the OP's feelings, but rather provide some perspective of how disapproval of her ABF's treatment might be received by him in a counterproductive way.

hopeful4

Terrible grammer on my above post...sorry!

Jd77

My ABF has been in and out to many rehabs. I supported him unconditionally the last time. Now I'm just angry and even more angry that he is going to a part of the country that I love to be in...

sunshine27

No matter where the rehab is, or how long it is, rehab is tough. Your ABF is about to go through a lot!!!! He will be forced to face a lot of things about himself that he is not going to like. He's not going to be thinking about good food, hiking, saunas, or whatever this place has. He is going to be thinking about drinking, guilt about his decisions in life, and how to get better. This is not a vacation.

Instead of being angry look at it as a way for you to work on yourself without having to worry about him. If he is serious about getting better, then he will. If not, it's not your problem and you will have to decide whether you want to continue to see him or not.

In the end, it comes down to your happiness and what you want. Not what anyone else wants. We all have the wonderful option to choose what you want in life.