FireSprite

So, the other shoe has dropped.

Not that I've felt that a relapse was imminent, but my guts had started whirring very recently & I've been waiting for "more to be revealed".

RAH fell out of communication last night after we texted back & forth about him working late. I was surprised because he's been SO much better about that issue, not just communicating more clearly but sticking to it, i.e. walking his talk.

DD had a terrible time getting to sleep last night - lots of unexplainable stomach pain which is very much out of character for her. I fell asleep on the couch and woke a few hours later but was very restless & my own gut instincts were churning as well. So I got up, figured I'd get my early morninig chores started so that when I finally fell back to sleep & overslept I would have less to do... plus it would help wear me out so that I could fall back to sleep. I kept thinking about just focusing on the things I could control. DD got up to use the bathroom (also very unusual - short of eating half a watermelon before bed or having a nightmare she does NOT wake in the night) and again, her stomach starts. We sit & watch tv for an hour or so & finally drift back off.

Woken just before 6 with AH calling, from jail, because he's been arrested for DUI & had apparantly been hostile enough in his frame of mind that he fought with the cops AND other inmates after he was booked & ended up tossed in Solitary for the duration of the night. He's first worried primarily about his truck (more, I'm sure for the tools inside) and is going OFF on me about helping him out, getting this figured out, there'll be time to explanations later, etc.

Quack.

The more he is treating me with hostility, the more I am telling him to sit & spin because there is NO WAY ON THIS GREEN EARTH that I am going to rush to his rescue while he is slinging arrows at me like this - these are HIS CHOICES and if he doesn't like waiting for me to do my best to help and/or figure out what I can even do - he can call his sponsor & rail off at him.

We go back & forth a few times - he hangs up on me, I hang up on him. I mean, seriously?? The entire thing is absurd, who the F does he think he is?? The whole while, DD is in earshot & is getting a good idea wth is happening without me saying anything. So we sat down & discussed to whole thing very rationally. I told her that while I love daddy very much, I can't throw myself in front of his consequences when he makes bad decisions & that me getting anxious or "helicoptering" over him isn't healthy for ANY of us. She understands "helicopter parents" so this term made a lot of sense to her.

So without going through it all (because it's blurry & I'm not going to go into all the back & forths)

* I did eventually reach a bondsman who was incredibly helpful & confirmed what I already knew - I can't do a damn thing about the truck because my name is not on the title. Yay, one thing off my list.

* It's before office hours so he asks to call me back about getting the details but by the time he does it's much later than he expected & time is limited to get the bond paperwork completed & turned in before AH will end up at first appearance anyway. He shoots straight & says I should hang on to my $100 bond money because he probably won't be able to get the paperwork done in time (I tell him I'm in no rush myself, this isn't MY problem really) and AH will likely end up bonding out through the natural process. He said he will know by 10:30 (soon) if that has happened & if not, we can get the process moving then. Either way the release time will likely be another 3-5 hours after that point.

*By the last phone call with AH he had calmed down on me at least, realized I wasn't going to take it - but I still wasn't seeing any humility.

I learned that you can pay for bond using a credit card over the phone & going down later to complete the paperwork..... I found this surprising!

I learned that DD & I are A-OK despite it all - she went off to school this morning all smiles & no anxiety. I came into work as normal & am just waiting for this to all shake out.

You know what the biggest difference is from similar situations in the past? (although he's never been arrested for dui, I just mean in general)

I DON'T FEEL CRAZY!

I'm not spinning inside, no nausea, no upset stomach (DD's calmed right down & stayed there), no headache, no future-tripping or what-if'ing all over the place, no frantic worry or running around to make things better or 'right', no anxiety, no nerves, no NOTHING. I am so seriously proud of my own recovery right now. I am positive I don't know the half of what BS he's about to spew at me, but I simply don't care. I know I don't need to know right now what is going to happen, I know that I have enough of a cash stash to hold me over for a few weeks & that I can come up with solutions when I decide that I need them.

Here's a wonderful irony for you all - he is supposed to be meeting with a world renowned healer this afternoon at my reiki center..... after years of dealing with his chronic back pain, DD actually convinced him to make an appt with this guy who is here from the Czech Republic for one week only after hearing some of the testimony of others he has treated. She is sure that he can provide help & relief.

I really wanted to meet with this guy and now it looks like I will be, 'cuz I'm taking that appt in his place.

ResignedToWait

It's such an amazing feeling to know they got caught by the police, and no one got hurt in their recklessness, isn't it? =D

He's going to have a stressful next few months, that's for sure....make sure you and your DD don't share that stress!

hopeful4

O FireSprite...I am sorry this has happened. We have been discussing that shoe dropping for both of us recently.

I am so so so proud of you. What an inspiration you are to me. I know that shoe will be dropping soon at my house, I hope I can handle it as well as you have. I know if my husband called me from jail he would be staying there for a long while, but he is on probation now so that is an entirely different matter. One thing he does most certainly know, I will never be the one getting him out of jail again, been there and done that.

I hope you have a great session at the appointment, how interesting! I am so happy for you, you give me hope and inspiration!

Keep us updated, if you need a friend inbox me. I'm usually only on during the day (my computer at home is so slow). I will keep you and your DD in my thoughts and prayers!

God Bless!

Katchie

"I DON'T FEEL CRAZY!

I'm not spinning inside, no nausea, no upset stomach (DD's calmed right down & stayed there), no headache, no future-tripping or what-if'ing all over the place, no frantic worry or running around to make things better or 'right', no anxiety, no nerves, no NOTHING. I am so seriously proud of my own recovery right now. I am positive I don't know the half of what BS he's about to spew at me, but I simply don't care. I know I don't need to know right now what is going to happen, I know that I have enough of a cash stash to hold me over for a few weeks & that I can come up with solutions when I decide that I need them.

Here's a wonderful irony for you all - he is supposed to be meeting with a world renowned healer this afternoon at my reiki center..... after years of dealing with his chronic back pain, DD actually convinced him to make an appt with this guy who is here from the Czech Republic for one week only after hearing some of the testimony of others he has treated. She is sure that he can provide help & relief.

I really wanted to meet with this guy and now it looks like I will be, 'cuz I'm taking that appt in his place."

Thank you for being an inspiration of what I need to work towards!

readerbaby71

Awesome! Good for you.

FireSprite

You know, it's funny. As I'm on the phone with him this morning I found myself thinking, "Quick, what's my boundary with this??!" Then I realized that I DON'T HAVE ONE! This scenario (dui/jail) never entered my mind for boundary setting since it's not the kind of thing we've dealt with in the past..... and as I'm trying to think he's pushing & pushing me.

So, instead I just hung up. Click. Gave me more time to think about it & time for him to adjust his attitude a bit.

ichabod

I think you're awesome!

Wisconsin

Such AWESOME growth! I am inspired! My AH is notorious for acting like the world's biggest a-hole, and then making ridiculous demands of me that usually involve me bending over backwards a hundred times to make his life easier and "help" him. As if I would move heaven and earth to "help" someone who just called me the "c" word!

Anyway, I love this share. I'm sorry you all have to go through this, but girl you are ROCKING this one! Thanks for being an inspiration to me today.

Flicka57

OMG! You handled it so perfectly and in such a way you even kept your daughter from getting upset--You've got your boundaries in place and protecting them--Great Job!

ladyscribbler

Rooting for you and DD and LOL @ the "helicoptering" comment! Perfect description for a codie- helicopter spouse.

spiderqueen

I am so proud of you, FireSprite. You are successfully separating his choices and consequences from your overall well-being, and that of your daughter. That is huge.

At the same time, I am very sorry for this disappointing set-back in your husband's recovery. I send continued strength, courage, and my most heartfelt (((hugs))) to you, and your DD, too.

LaTeeDa

It's always sad to hear of an alcoholic with some time in recovery relapsing.

On the other hand, your recovery is shining!

L

Carlotta

You are doing awesome Firesprite
Enjoy the Reiki session this afternoon, you deserve it.

CarryOn

Thank you for sharing FireSprite; your recovery is amazing & very inspirational.

I'm sorry for the relapse, though. This is tough no matter how you look at it.

I hope you & DD have a good day and you enjoy your reiki appointment this afternoon - you deserve it!

hopeful4

Thinking about you today and wondering how your session went? I hope you are still focusing on you and your recovery!

FireSprite

My appt went AMAZING! The healer that I met with was Josef Olsa, his intuitive way of reading the physical body & finding/correcting problems really blew me away. I felt the changes starting to happen while I sat there, it was a very unique experience and I am very grateful that I was able to go.

As far as AH - he bonded out on his own yesterday & I picked him up downtown after he was released. He had calmed way, way down by then & had found his humility & much more back to "himself" once the Beast had been contained again. I really wanted to be full of fury but I just didn't have it in me - I just couldn't see wasting my energy on it at all. I listened to the story of how it all came to be & stayed really detached.... ALL of his own mistakes kept popping up and creating complications so I didn't need to "do" anything for him to be punished or whatever. I actually don't think I could do or say anything to make him feel worse than he himself is already doing. You know that idiom about giving someone enough rope and they will eventually hang themselves? That's what this reminds me of.

He had been solely responsible for the money issues we are battling & which made it impossible for me to even think of bailing him or his truck out. Since he was on his way home from a jobsite & was hauling a trailer his towing fees were enormous. Yes - I definitely have enough cash to have fixed this, but not my problem so he had to find a solution.

Even though I have tried to express the importance of handling things the right way, he never thinks anything is ever going to be a problem. So, when he closed his business I couldn't get him to understand the importance of getting the truck titled back into his personal name... so he never did & guess what? Problem at the towing company because they can only release the car to an officer of a corp when it is titled to the corp & this corp had been dissolved for a year already. Plus the insurance is showing in my name even though he's covered on the policy AND the trailer was his friend's so he had no registration or proof that it should be released to him.



I just stayed quiet, "Sounds like YOU'VE got some problems to fix." I think my detachment scared him more than anything - I think for the first time he TRULY saw how capable I am, how not rushing to take on his problems was really a dignified show of love & not punishment.

I made him come back to my office while he was trying to find solutions for all of this because there was no one else here & I wasn't going to shirk my responsibilities or run around like a chicken with my head cut off. All day long he was a bundle of anxiety - raw energy. But I stayed calm & centered, focused on each task at hand & taking everything as it came.

In a way I'm happy to get the relapse out of the way - I think his ego had been getting the better of him & he somehow thought that he had gained control & could handle having a couple of beers & fate slapped him down, hard. He also creates stress for himself, has no effective way of handling stress & freaks out - it's insane. He is his own worst enemy & I think he finally sees it too.

Time will tell!!

hopeful4

You are so correct. I too think it scares my husband to see me detatch from him. Much more than screaming and yelling and it is O so much more calming for me. They should be scared! I agree about giving them the rope, they will hang themselves. I hate to say that but normally it is true, not matter how much we codies try to stop them!

Good for you that you disengaged and went on with your day and did not bail him out of this mess! And so great that you had a wonderful session. Hoping you have a great day today!

You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!!

fourmaggie

*running up to you to give you a hug*

lizatola

FireSprite, I am so glad you had so much program under your belt when this happened. You sound strong and confident in knowing your boundaries and in handling the emotions of it all. Sending you lots of support and love today!

RedSoxGirl

Good for you!!!! I swear by reiki, there's something about letting that energy go and getting your chakra's centred that makes the world feel right. Even if you don't have answers to all your questions when a session is done, at the very least you feel stronger to tackle it!! I personally keep a quartz stone and an amethyst stone in my brassiere and I can't believe the difference it's made in my life.

I hope your reiki session went fantastic!!!