Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Substance Abusers
Reload this Page >

Seperated from my AH for a month now, going through so many mixes emotions.



Seperated from my AH for a month now, going through so many mixes emotions.

Old 10-29-2013, 06:51 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Seperated from my AH for a month now, going through so many mixes emotions.

I felt like I needed to write about this since I cant talk to any of my friends or family about what has been going on. A month ago my AH and I separated, he gave up his job and I just decided that I am not going to work for a unemployed drug addict. So I asked him to leave, he packed some of his stuff and he left. Since then I have been going through so many different emotions. I feel relieved my house is calm and quiet again we have a routine again.
I also feel overwhelmed because I work a 8-5 shift and then I have to care for the children and I don't even get to doing all the chores at the moment. It feels like I can't keep up with housework, laundry, homework cooking and caring for the kids and the cat. Its funny how much I relied on him to help with things around the house. I am also very, very angry, I am angry I cannot believe that even though I kicked him out he still has not gotten his act together. I saw him last week Wednesday and he was thin and obviously high. I got really upset and told him to take his stuff that he came for and just leave. Then I sent him a text telling him not to come by when he is high and not to contact me again. On the one side I am aching to help him get better I really want him to recover and come home. But on the other side I also feel that I have endured so much during the past few years that its better if he doesn't come home.
My emotions are confusing me, I don't really know what I want and realise that I need to take some time to figure out where this separation is going. I want to let him go and let go of all the craziness that his addiction has caused but then I am not entirely sure that I want a divorce. This really sucks my kids miss their daddy especially my son but I just don't think its a good idea for him to come see the kids. I am trying my best but I somehow feel like I am failing my children. Giving up his job was a deal breaker for me and it was a boundary that he overstepped. I told him that if he ever lost or gave up a job due to drugs again I would kick him out. He worked for a great company had a great job they were willing to assist him in his recovery but he gave all of that up. I am struggling to come to terms with that, it feels like my life fell apart in just one day and I could no longer handle it and so he had to leave. I do still love him, I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am not crying so much anymore and I feel a little lighter financially I am able to provide for myself and the kids. I just miss him the sober guy that I married all our friends and family know and I am also just to tired of hiding it and feeling shame. I am at the point where I feel that I am not the addict I have not done anything to be ashamed of so I am going to quit feeling ashamed. That's a bit of a challenge but I have to do it. He made his choices and I made mine now I just need to stick to it. I must admit though being separated from him is hard. If any of you have been separated from your AH or AW how did you get through it?

A
Angelscry is offline  
Old 10-29-2013, 07:16 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
MLJ88's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
Hi- Im not separated from my AH, but I just wanted to tell you that I know what its like to hide someone elses secret and the shame that comes along with THEIR addiction- we don't want anyone to know that our loved ones have become addicts. Its hard to keep their secret, and exhausting. A lot more people will comment on how to get through the separation, and their advice will be great for you.

If you felt you needed him out of the house then you were listening to your gut and your gut instincts never fail you. You did what was right for you and your children- never feel bad about that. Take care!
MLJ88 is offline  
Old 10-29-2013, 07:56 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I have been exactly where you are!
I kicked my AH out when I was pregnant with our son. He stole something from my mom and that was the end of me dealing with his behavior. I worked through the shame of HIS actions. I didn't steal, lie, act selfishly.
He accused me of not loving him, it wasn't him, I was falsely accusing him... blah blah blah. I just couldn't take it anymore. (i'm sure you understand)
We were separated for 8 months and he landed himself in jail. For the first time... EVER he finally admitted he needed help... that he was WRONG! That's when recovery began. When he got out of jail I paid for him to take a bus to go stay with his uncle half way across the USA. He was able to stay sober. They tested him, gave him a job that he went to everyday, went to the gym everyday, was happy and learned a sober way to live. It wasn't a program, or NA... but it was working. He came home after 6 months for christmas and relapsed... so he went back to his uncles for another 6 months. Then we found out he was being charged with selling from back from 2 years. So another setback, another jail term, then mandatory meetings 3 times a week and probation. Well... 2 years later, and he violated probation and he's back in jail. This time he's coming home but planning on leaving for a 14 month faith based program. I don't know if it will work.... but it's a chance. He wants it. I think that's the most important. So wherever the journey brings us... we learn, grow, and we will get through it.
Many days I mourned the loss of him.
KeepinItReal is offline  
Old 10-29-2013, 07:59 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Good morning, I can't speak in relation to the partner side of things in regards to addiction but I can tell you it's not uncommon for us to second guess ourselves when placing boundaries. You don't need to make any decisions today. Maybe allow yourself a good window of time before committing to a permanent decision. If you've threatened "eviction" (for lack of a better word) in the past but haven't stuck to it he may be thinking this will pass. For him to give up a good job instead of facing his addiction, as well as giving up his family life, he clearly isn't ready for the type of change necessary to be a productive partner. If you aren't ready to give up hope yet, then don't. Let him know you haven't but that he simply cannot live there in that state. That you'll be watching for his actions, not listening to his words, and that you trust you'll know when the time is right to take next steps if necessary. While he is sorting himself out continue to focus on providing a loving, stable enviro for yourself and your kids. Attend meetings if you are able and keep reaching out here. We all understand the powerlessness you feel. xxxx
lizwig is offline  
Old 10-29-2013, 08:53 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I want to add that I wear my heart on my sleeve now. I tell people, that what he does shouldn't have a reflection on me. Most people agree with me. Most people that I share with also have there own problems they share. It makes life so much easier to be able to be honest. I need to be as i'm a recovering addict myself. I have learned that being brutally honest with myself and others is essential.
From reading some of your past posts, I can see that this has been a real struggle for you for a long time. Let your emotions be felt. Process them. They are important and I encourage you to open up and not feel shameful or embarrassed. It has helped me greatly being able to share. Sometimes I feel somewhat judged, but then they share their story. It helps me.
KeepinItReal is offline  
Old 10-29-2013, 09:11 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Its always better to share with someone and many times family is not the best. I have shared with my parents and siblings, friends but they really do not have much understanding of addiction. (my 21 yo son). Some say its youthful rebellion and it will pass etc, others just ignore the issue (which is even more hurtful) - but really they just don't know. That is why its important to attend Al/Nar-anon so you can connect with family's in our predicament. SR is wonderful but we still need face to face support.
pravchaw is offline  
Old 10-29-2013, 12:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O honey, I feel for you and your children. What alarmed me in this post is "I cannot talk to any family or friends."

You are obviously overwhelmed and stressed. I put myself in this same boat with my alcoholic husband. Over the past summer I decided to not be quiet about it anymore, I don't cover for him anymore. I have told his dirty secrets to my family and his as well as friends. You know what, they knew anyways! Imagine my surprise to find out I was not fooling anyone and all that time I had taken all of the weight on my own shoulders w/out asking from the help of close friends and family. Yes, I attend Celebrate Recovery for support, but it is not the same as calling my mom or sister.

Please do not isolate yourself. Being the partner of an addict can be so lonley, do not let that happen to you. You are not alone and do not have to do this alone.

Good Luck and God Bless!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 10-31-2013, 01:36 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
Thank you All for writing back and for the advice and encouragement. Things has taken a turn for the worst but that's another thread.
Keepin it real, yes I also have days where I mourn the loss of my husband and father to my kids. I am trying to be honest and not to cover up this drama anymore because the more I try to cover up the more out of control it all becomes.
Lizwig - I am sticking to my decision and I will not take him back unless he is clean, working on his recovery and has a job. I am done cushioning his fall he has to feel the effects of his addiction.
Pravchaw you are right I cannot share with family because they do not understand. My mom has bipolar and is schizophrenic and telling her will just make her sick. My brother is to perfect and he warned me against marrying my husband and look how things turned back so I cannot at this point handle the I told you so and look what a mess your live is - speech I just cant. I have a great friend who also came out of a relationship with a Meth addict and she has been my greatest support. And then I have friends who's dad was a coke addict so they understand its easy to share with them.
Hopeful4 you are right, people know anyways and here we are trying so hard to hide what is so very obvious. My AH went to see my brother and begged for food n money and I told m Bro not to help him but did not tell about the addiction my bro said well I know you have problems and have had them for a while now. So even though I was playing 'happy family' when my bro was visiting he could pic up that all was not well. I just want to get it off my chest now.
Angelscry is offline  
Old 11-01-2013, 12:40 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 125
I know how you feel, I'm right here struggling thru all of these horrible emotions myself. He broke up with me to go to rehab 2 months ago & his family is strongly enabling him by paying for his "celebrity type rehab" & also kicked me out of his apt when I had nowhere else to go. I haven't heard a word from him since & everyday my heart breaks then starts to mend then rinse, wash, repeat.
gothbarbie is offline  
Old 11-03-2013, 10:48 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 112
[QUOTE=gothbarbie;4270217]He broke up with me to go to rehab 2 months ago & his family is strongly enabling him by paying for his "celebrity type rehab" & also kicked me out of his apt when I had nowhere else to go. I haven't heard a word from him since & everyday my heart breaks then starts to mend then rinse, wash, repeat.[/Q

I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I know how much it hurts but like you said everyday we get up and start the mending process all over again. I find taking it one day at a time really helps me, when I feel like I cant bear it I tell myself that the day is almost done and tomorrow things may be better. I will keep you in my prayers pm me if you want to chat.
Angelscry is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:41 AM.