butterfly33

How long will I stay in this place? I want to stop drinking - but not enough. I want to be a normal drinker - but I can't. Am I greedy? Selfish? Weak willed and weak minded? Half-hearted? Fearful? Undisciplined? In denial? Not ready yet? Why do I keep trying if I don't believe I can do it? Will I die trying?
Intellectually I understand that until I put sobriety to the forefront of my life and make it absolutely paramount, I will never have it. Unfortunately I don't feel I have the strength, stamina, determination or even time for that in my life right now. I just hope that when my time comes, it's not too late.

To all of you who are doing it, you're amazing and I admire you so, so much.

GotGrace

I am sorry you are struggling, butterfly. Remember that each day is part of a journey, adding to your resources and tools. Keep your eyes open and don't give up on yourself. You are a work in progress. xo

Anna

I'm sorry that you're stuck and struggling, Butterfly.

I think it's as simple and as difficult as doing it. Don't drink today, no matter what. Do whatever it takes to stay sober today and that will give the bit of strength you need to do the same thing tomorrow.

ScottFromWI

We'll be here when you are ready. I also hope it's not too late for you when that day comes.

I don't see what I'm doing in my sobriety as amazing, I see it as a committment to myself and my family to do the right thing. I am an alcoholic, so drinking is detrimental to me, plain and simple. It's really just a choice when you get to the bottom of it. Yes you need support, and that can come in all shapes and sizes. But at the end of the day it's a consious decision you make - start drinking, or don't start drinking. Anyone can do it if they want to, you included.

Bonnie1

Butterfly, I understand what you're saying. For some strange reason it's difficult to think that we have had our last drink.
I enjoy the taste of it, but then after a couple of drinks its tasteless and it takes over you and your life, not mentioning the money side of it!

butterfly33

Thank you guys, I know what each of you is saying is true, I just need it to stick. I've ordered some books to read for now. I will keep on trying, that I can promise. Thanks again, you're all wonderful.

MIRecovery

Unfortunately things will just keep getting worse. One day you will be sick and tired of being sick and tired or there may be some huge legal or health issue.

It doesn't have to get that bad but for many of us, myself included, it did

dwtbd

butterfly hope to day is a good for you , I remember feeling the same way for too long

I'm a big proponent of AVRT/RR approach. One of the things that resonated with me was the idea of addiction ambivalence. Perhaps google some of those terms, hope it helps.

wish you well

Skye2

Google - alcohol and hair loss ... it worked for me

EndGameNYC

Hi butterfly33.

It's good to see you back again.

You're asking the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question. Well, questions, really.

Everyone here is at different stages of recovery. It doesn't sound like this is a happy time for you, but now is not the time to despair.

After my three-year relapse, I stopped drinking because I could no longer function. I was a mess physically, completely hopeless, and looked forward to dying from my drinking.

I went to detox, and then rehab. I went to AA meetings because I had nothing else to do. I was jobless with no prospects, and lived in an apartment supplied by community housing for a time. I didn't intend to get sober...just to get back on my feet and pick up where I left off.

Until then, I went through the paces in AA. I experienced intense, daily cravings for about ten months. Lots of meetings, worked with a sponsor (I was so miserable, I just wanted scheduled human contact), and pretended to buy into all of it. After working through the twelve steps with my sponsor, I experienced a gradual change. At some point in time, the cravings subsided, and I was feeling better than I'd felt in years.

Mind you, I wanted none of this when I started, and I didn't believe that I could ever be sober again. Since that time, I'm living a life that is borderline beyond my wildest dreams. My health is now excellent, I'm doing work that I love in my field, and my relationships alone make life worth living.

For now, you're at where you're at and there's very little you can do to change that besides talking about it. The big change comes when you're able to commit to being sober. Besides such a commitment, you'll need to take a leap of faith that there's a better way for you. And no one here or anywhere else can give you that.

So, stay close, let us know how you're doing, do whatever it takes for you to heal, and look forward to the day when you're ready to live a better life.

WhoDey

I know I needed to quit long before I did so. When you're ready there will be support.

That said, there will never be a perfect time to quit. Quitting is hard ... but not as hard as maintaining the destructive pattern of drinking.

ZeldaFan

I went through that phase as well for a few years. When I first entered the "I know I should probably stop but I will do it later" thought process I wasn't drinking nearly as much as I was by the time I decided to quit. It really did creep up on me over time and eventually I hit the point where I couldn't take it anymore - both emotionally and physically.

When you get to a point where you are really ready to stop, we will all be here for support! As others have said, just know that there is never going to be a perfect time to stop but the sooner you do the better.

Hollyanne

I call it the "Inbetween stage".
Butterfly, There is a stage where we give up our solution to all our life's problems and the go-to celebration for anything good. Our social lubricant. Our joy. That is how it seems anyway.
It sucks big time.
If we hang in there while it sucks, we get past the "inbetween stage" to the point where we begin to get the benefits of being alcohol/drug free.

We start to get out more.
We eat better.
We feel better.
We get used to the blubbering and the hysterical laughter.
We find work easier. We get more faith in ourselves.
Eventually, if we keep saying No! to the voice of addiction, an hour/day at a time, we get to the other side and Voila! we are sober!

So, hang in there.
Get through it. There is no easy way. We must go through the withdrawal.
Withdrawal is physical, emotional, intellectual, practical.
We have to.
Stop criticizing yourself. We are not bad people.
"Don't drink. Even if your arse falls off!"

jdooner

For me fear was the motivating factor. I realized where things were heading and was fearful of loosing it all. That said, it was not until the past week or so (2 months sober) that I truly realized there is not going back. So I decided to quit without truly being fully committed. I have been lucky bc I told everyone around me to setup a support network and made it difficult to go back to the way things were. But I wrestled with whether I really was an alcoholic and in hindsight these were mental games I was playing with myself to fantasize about one day being able to drink again. I cannot but this did not get cemented until just recently through two months of a lot of pretty difficult work.

I looked at guys that had the gleam that I wanted and deconstructed how they achieved this. Most were involved in AA, so I started with AA. Most had turned their lives over to a higher power, so I thought I would do the same. I went through the motions and hit that square peg in the round hole to force this but I am not there yet. In fact, my therapist and I came up with this analogy that I am on a plane. I know the plane is going to crash into the side of a mountain. I have a parachute but have never gone sky diving and there are a bunch of people on the plane tell me JD you have to jump. Despite knowing the sure death if I stay on I am scared to jump. For me this is step #3 but I also think it applies to you.

Its alright to fake it in the beginning. In fact, most I don't think get all of it right away and those that do usually relapse - too much early success is not a great thing bc then you think you have master this. Your on a sober website, so that means you want to stop. Good job. Now just commit to a day, week, month whatever. As you sober up you will be able to learn and start the process. If you relapse then you learn why and try to not do the same things over. This is a process and you won't have all the answers right away.

However, the course your on won't improve, ever. This is a progressive disease and your on that plane with me. Longer you stay on it the better the chances are that we will peril if we don't jump.

Good luck. Keep posting.

jaynie04

Hi Butterfly, for me things weren't desperate yet, but I could see down the road I was on.

I put myself on a new road, I wasn't jumping up and down over it, but the likely results of where I was headed were pretty tragic, but also unremarkable and predictable. As different as all of our life circumstances are, when we are lying in a hospital bed being fed through a tube, we are pretty much one in the same.

So I saw the path of alcoholism....it is a scripted event and we are simply pawns in the the game.

I put myself on the road to sobriety, I made a few decisions like calling an addiction specialist and going to rehab. It wasn't so much that sobriety was that enticing. But when I look down the road of sobriety, I can't see the end, because it has yet to be written. By simply shifting that one thing I am now writing the script instead of acting in a preordained ending.

We are all like prisoners of war, except we can get on a boat home any day. I think those of us who choose that action, who decide to take ownership back are the lucky veterans of the future. Our battle scars and the journey we had to take to simply function in society is much more complex than most people. When we go to bed every night sober we have accomplished something that is life or death for most of us. Pretty amazing when you think of it!

doggonecarl

Addiction is powerful, and for many, recovery is fleeting. If this is your time, take it, for you don't know what tomorrow brings.

Myself, I didn't know how many recoveries I had left. So I am hanging on to this one for dear life. Literally.

Have faith that you can get sober. I don't mean faith in a higher power (though that worked for me), but faith that there are many who were right where you are now, and quit. And you don't have to wait for some sudden recovery conversion to occur, some sobriety mindset. You just have to quit drinking.

duane1

That's the problem. I had to quit due to health problems related to my drinking. Even with those health problems, it was so hard to quit. Hopefully, it won't be too late.

butterfly33

I'm at work and my break is almost finished but I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. You are all wonderful and you've made me feel much better and so much more positive. I do feel I'm at a growth stage at the moment and my persistence is meeting much resistance. I think the books I've ordered might help AND I've been looking at AA meetings in my area. I'll also look again at AVRT/RR. I will keep trying. Thanks again guys, so much.

Nuudawn

I spent the majority of my adult life trying to run from the little whisper within telling me I needed to stop drinking. There were moments I woke up in some deep shame or embarrassment where it screamed and I would tell myself "today is the day" and I would make some trembling resolve. Oddly enough, that resolve would fall away by nightfall and I would pour myself that glass of wine...again and again and again.

I am glad you ordered some books. If anything, start immersing yourself in new information and practices. Begin the new journey anyway you can. Sobriety is a wide open space where you begin to learn who you are and what life truly is all about. Prepare yourself for that. Know that the journey requires the removal of alcohol in order to open your eyes and become present to your own life and to those around you.

Decide to start dealing with life....one moment, one situation at a time.

DoubleDragons

Butterfly, I think I have seen in your former posts that you have a child. The biggest motivator for me to finally get sober is to be someone my children and future grandchildren can respect and admire. I have no desire to be their shame or sad legacy. I want to be a wonderful example to them of a life well lived.