ResignedToWait

I didn’t post this yesterday, because I needed more time to process it. I thought I was ok with it, but I realize I’m not.

Background, AW lives four hours away on her own in our old house that I still pay the mortgage on. She has a permanent protective order against her for both our children, 3 and 7, whom live with me. Per court orders, she’s allowed to call the children in the evening at 6:30 on the daily, provided she is sober during the conversation.

She used to call semi-regularly while she was in the sober part of her addiction roller coaster. She’d binge for a few weeks, and then stop calling them for a bit, until she went to the hospital for one of her many detoxes (she gets unable to care for herself after only a few weeks of binging…Gastric Bypass + Alcoholism = ugly)..and once she would detox, she’d be sober for a few weeks, calling the kids in the meantime, and the cycle would start again.

So, she hasn’t called the kids going on three weeks now. (today is the 22nd day) The kids have no idea what is going on with her, and the 3 yo often says he misses his mommy, which is hard for me (and him obviously). I just tell him how much she misses him, and that she thinks about him all the time, and that usually seems to make him happy. The few times he’s asked me where mommy is, I tell him that she lives in our old house, and is sick, and is trying to get better.

The 7 year old has no problems with the change, she’s never expressed any interest in missing her mom. Sometime when her mom calls, she whines about having to talk to her mom. She was old enough to see the firsthand of an alcoholic mom, so she is just happy to be living in a house where the parent isn’t sleeping all day. I try to temper her detachment from her mom by telling her how much mommy misses her also, but she doesn’t seem to care. That is worrisome to me, and I hope she’s not already permanently affected by her experiences with AW growing up.

Back to my original reason to post this….

Sunday night I got a call from AW’s mom. Mother in Law (MiL) asked me if I’d heard from AW, and I told her no, not in three weeks. MiL says “Umm, I was wondering if I should tell you this, but figure it’s better if you heard it from me”. Umm, ok.
MiL says “So, I called her a few days ago, and she was pretty wasted…and started cooing to me about how she has finally found true love. She met a guy that only lives a few houses down from her, and she is just soooooo in love, and he’s been staying at the house with her on and off for a little bit now”.
MiL had got a few more details before their conversation ended…apparently, the guy is a tattoo artist, and is in his mid forties, same age as her. MiL told her that, ummm, you know, you already have a family, right? AW told MiL that she doesn’t care anymore, she found her true love, and she doesn’t care about us anymore. MiL reiterated, your kids! AW said that the kids are fine, and are better off without her being in their life.

At first, this was good news to me. A number of different ways. It would mean no more battling for custody (though to be fair, it’s not much of a battle anymore, since the protective order against her is in effect until the kid’s 18th birthdays); possibly having her be open about adulterous relations while still married, making getting a divorce easy. (I am currently having to wait until May, as state has a 1 year separation rule before divorce is granted)

I woke up this morning feeling differently, though. I’m angry, mad, furious. The kids don’t deserve this. They deserve their mother to fight for them, to love them, to want them. They deserve a mother that struggles against her addiction for the purpose of reuniting with them someday when she is able to better control her addiction. It’s not fair to them!
Here I was thinking that she wasn’t calling because she was binging, and 24/7 drunk…(she was & is…), but instead, their mother isn’t calling because she has written them out of her life, because it’s easier to just lose herself to her addiction.

I will never tell the kids this story. Not even when they are 18. No one should know their mother chose alcohol over them.

And….I say she chose alcohol, because I know she is just quacking, even when she tells MiL that she found her true love. I’m not even mad about that, I feel no jealousy, no anger towards “him”, no betrayal at her “finally finding her true love” after being married to me for 11.5 years….because I know it’s not her at this point. She’s not in love with this guy…she’s in love with someone that accepts her drinking. Everyone that cares about her in her life has tried to get her to stop drinking…they’ve been obstacles to her, and she’s cut all those people out of her life one by one. All she has now in her life are people that don’t care about her, and see her as a good time, and subsequently don’t care about her drinking…most likely that even encourage it.

I just don’t understand…how a mother could ever be willing to abandon her children. I see it in the news, I see it posts….but, this is the woman I married, who would gladly have thrown herself in front of a train to save her children, who now has tossed them aside like they were disposable to her.

F*** Alcoholism. Seriously.

Florence

I agree, **** it. It's a terrible disease.

jaynie04

Hi RTW. Reading posts like this are very very frustrating, I feel so sad for what you and your children are dealing with. I grew up with an alcoholic mother, who later got sober, but she was actively drinking until I was about 13. My father lived at home but disappeared, so as the oldest I was left to fend for myself and my younger brothers.

Your children are very lucky they have one solid loving parent. The fact that their mother has abandoned them is tragic, and we are surrounded by societal cues that promote what a nuclear family should look like. At 48 I still deal with a lot of old crap from growing up in such a toxic environment. I wonder what it would have been like to have one stable parent, I think it would have made all the difference. Instead I dealt with the black eyes, the silent treatment, the Jekyll and Hyde, the punitive and menacing treatment. Kids don't have to be thrown against a wall to be significantly impacted.

Your kids are young. I know the desire to keep their mother in their life seems like something they want, they don't know any better. I think one of the most harmful and damaging behaviors a parent can do to a child is to be loving and then unavailable. A child absolutely internalizes the fact that they are responsible for the fact that the parent who loved them yesterday doesn't want them today. They wonder what THEY did.....

Cutting your wife out of your life sounds harsh, but it is not. It is a very loving gesture. Your wife is no where near recovery, at all. She is a very sick and selfish person who comes in and out of their lives to assuage her own guilt, leaving pain and suffering behind. She is not capable of making the smart decision, you are. Maybe there will be a point years from now where she has her stuff together, but for the kids to be whipsawed and tossed around in her alcoholic frenzy is brutal. I think you are wonderful for giving them a voice, for your love and steadfastness and concern. Stability and predictability is crucial in early childhood, these are absolutely the years where their view of themselves and of the world is formed. Feeling safe and feeling like they are enough, that they have a sphere in which to make mistakes and be vulnerable, and not have to chase love, will set them up to have healthy boundaries throughout their lives.

I am an adult child, I wish someone had intervened so that I did not have to become an adult when I was that young. Sending hugs for being a father that they are lucky to have!

BookNerd

Resigned, I'm so sorry. That really stinks. I am so glad for your children's sake though, that they have one stable and loving parent.

ResignedToWait

That was powerful, thank you Jaynie.

Katchie

I don't have much advise for you from where I come from but I want you to know I think you are a wonderful, loving father to your children. The best thing you could do is shield your children from the destruction that is your AW.
I'm praying for you and the children... HUGS!

Wisconsin

RTW, I am so sorry that you and your children are going through this. One of the ways I have known that I have made progress in my own recovery was to start letting go of some of my anger at my AH, and discovering that a lot of my anger really is anger at the disease. It absolutely infuriates me. It enrages me. My own 3-year old son will likely never have a normal relationship with his father, and it's not because my AH doesn't adore his son with every fiber of his being. He does. This disease is a scourge. It wastes so many lives, ruins so many lives, including the life of my AH who in his sober, "in recovery" state is a kind, generous, wonderful man. Such a waste. So very, very sad.

hopeful4

I am so so sorry for both you and your children. As I said in another post, alcoholism is like a tornado that destroys everything in its path. Horrible. I wish I could rationalize it for you but there is no rationalization. Alcohol has destroyed her brain and any thoughts she had of being a mother or a wife.

You are not alone. SR is a great tool but I hope you have live, in person people who help you through this as you have to be a strong person to go through what you are going through.

May God Bless you and your children. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hawkeye13

You are there for your kids and she is unable to be. You have protected them from her alcoholism to the best of your ability. As the ACA myself, I wish I had had such protection but did not.

Moving forward seems the best course here, don't you think? If she makes getting the divorce easier, that a good thing. She doesn't sounds ready for recovery at this time and maybe never. That is very sad.

One of the things I have noticed on this board is how often husbands are surprised at the loss of the "mothering instinct" in alcohol or substance addicted women. Yet husbands also may get lost in their addictions and abandon and / or abuse their families, but people don't seem as surprised by that. Somehow I think we as a culture stigmatize women as more "unnatural" when they are suffering from a disease and have lost control.

That said, I can readily understand and sympathize with the anger you are feeling on your children's behalf. I think you are an amazing person for being so nurturing and protective. I only wish my own father had looked up from his bottle to see his ex-wife drowning in hers and thrown me a lifeline. But people in the clutches of booze sometimes just can't see, or help themselves, let alone those they care about, can they?

FireSprite

As a non-A mother myself, I really do NOT understand this when I read posts.... even though I do "get it" I disconnect inside because I guess I just can't handle anyone treating their own children that way. But really, I guess it's no different than the way that so many addict fathers behave?

Your children are SO LUCKY to have you, RTW. Great job protecting them!!

Flicka57

Your AW already knew that she had lost access to her children because of the court order and so she is spiraling downward at a fast pace. It never ceases to amaze me how some A's like your wife will let go of every last good thing in their life and still not seek any help. She has now given up contact with her children, so sad. But like so many said here--it is actually a god send for your children that the contact has stopped. Your seven year old probably realized awhile ago that the phone calls seemed like a chore to make by her own mother and has distanced herself. Be ever so grateful that your children can now finally have a normal life & don't waste another minute thinking about their mother's fatal mistakes. Be the best father you can be--I am rooting for you!

MIRecovery

Speaking from the alcoholic side the "how" is very simple. She is in active alcoholism. Alcohol was my master, God, and lover. alcohol was a very jealous lover and would never allow anything to come between me and my best friend. I felt horrible abandoning my love ones but not bad enough to do something about it. When I would think about the carnage of my past the only solution to numb the pain was to drink more.

She is not bad person she is a very sick person and unfortunately the only person that can fix her is her.

As others have said it is wonderful that the children have at least one stable person in their lives.

line from Al Anon applies

• you didn't cause it
• you can't control it
• you can't cure it

FourSeasons

Great post, Jaynie! Thank-you for that!!!

ResignedtoWait - your story is tragic. Be the adult you need to be for your kids.

Sending the warmest of warm wishes your way...

spiderqueen

The story will go this way: "Our father put us first, always. He is our rock."

This is a strong and beautiful foundation for them, Resigned. Please get all the support you need for you, so you can keep building this with and for them.

I am a single parent, too - and personally, I think we need to change that phrase to "double parent."

Take good care.

ResignedToWait

Thank you Spider =)
Funny you should mention that, haha. On Mother's Day of this year, a co-worker that knows my situation gave me some candy as a gift... I was all, "But it's Mothers Day"...they said "I know, but you're playing both roles now, so you get to celebrate both days".
It made me smile.

lillamy

It isn't. It's heartbreaking. But they have YOU. They have ONE SOLID PARENT. And you might end up like me, having kids that are way too close to you (I often hear from my teens "I can't believe I'm talking to my MOTHER about this!") because you've been their one solid point in a very, very confusing world. But that's OK.

Take care of YOU. Because Spidey's right -- you are a double parent!