hi i'm new and scared.

Old 10-28-2013, 06:04 AM
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hi i'm new and scared.

repost from newcomers forum at the suggestion of a member:

hi! i am very new. my boyfriend of three years just went through delirium tremens in the ICU and I am trying to get him d/c to an inpatient rehab. i am looking for people who have gone through a similar experience, and i am going to join al anon.

not to overstate the obvious, but i am terrified, guilty, ashamed of myself, and embarrassed.

i really hope there is someone out there who can at least refer me to someone to help. i am meeting with a social worker in the hospital today after work.

thanks everyone.
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:08 AM
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Hi there and welcome.

So sorry you are in so much pain, there is help out there for you.

You are facing some big stuff, but your journey of healing has begun.

Talk to the social worker about hooking you up with some help, you are important in all of this.

Your boyfriend needs to find his own healing, he will or he won't, but you must.

Sending you love and support, Katie
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:19 AM
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Hello hwga, and Welcome!

My stepson has been in the hospital twice in alcohol withdrawal. The first time, he went through the DT's in the hospital. The second time, he tried to stop drinking on his own and his friends found him wandering the streets where he lives in full-blown DT's. They took him to the hospital.

The second time in the hospital, the social worker there was very helpful. That person will be able to help arrange a bed at an inpatient rehab facility - in cooperation with your boyfriend.

I add that last bit because, sadly, unless he wants to go, neither you or the social worker can force him. I just hope you can prepare yourself for that in case it happens.

Sending you hugs. I hope your boyfriend is truly ready to be done.
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:29 AM
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thank you so much, please keep the replies coming, this is all new territory for me...
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:37 AM
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I have been there too.
I thought i could withdrawl on my own.
My partner took me to the hospital at day four with DTs.
It was horrific. The stuff i saw and went thru.

I can tell you that your best medicine will be Al Anon.
Do your own recovery.
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:41 AM
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whiskeyman, i know my head isn't where it should be, but do you mind if i ask if you're still together? i know i have a lot of work to do on myself and i know he has to recover alone and want it for himself, i just can't help but wonder if there's any hope for us, not just him and i separately. i know this isn't what i should be thinking about right now, but...that's why i'm joining al anon.

again thank you to everyone who replied!!! it means the world.
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:02 AM
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One of the first things that newcomers to the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum are told is the 3 C's"

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
You wrote "not to overstate the obvious, but i am terrified, guilty, ashamed of myself, and embarrassed".

However, unless you held him down and poured the liquor down his throat, which I'm sure you didn't, this is not your fault. He is an adult, and he made his own choices.

If he is an alcoholic, and from your description of his withdrawal DTs in the ICU, I would think that he probably is, nothing you did or didn't do made him drink. When an alcoholic drinks, their body and brain undergo physiological changes; their chemistry changes, and their addiction moves beyond the choice to have a drink or not in a social situation. When they get to that point, they are physically addicted, and their body demands alcohol just as our bodies demand to breathe.

Alcoholics can recover; to do that they need to choose to never take that first drink again. Only they can make that choice and they have to want it enough to make the choice for themselves.

As partners of alcoholics, we can become co-dependent, and in our own minds, mix up the boundaries of who we are and who the alcoholic is, so that is no longer clear to us what behavior we own and what behavior the alcoholic owns.

That is what people here mean when they talk about seeking our own recovery. Alanon would be great for you, as would individual counseling. Melody Beattie's book Co-Dependent No More is very enlightening about how we address our own thinking and begin our own recovery.

My very best to you as your boyfriend deals with his problem. We'll be here for you as you go through this process, just as others have been here for us.

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Old 10-28-2013, 07:12 AM
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Hi hwga,

You've found a great place here at SR. I've learned so much and found so much comfort in the past few months since I've joined. Welcome!

Please know, you have nothing to feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed of. Your boyfriend is sick and needs help. This is not a reflection of you. There are many many people who love their alcoholics and you will find them here. You're in good company.

I think Al Anon is a great place for you. I've always felt so much better and calmer after going to a meeting. It's so good just to be with others who get it, and won't pass judgement.

In my opinion, there is hope for the two of you if you both work on yourselves separately. The 3 things that have helped me the most are, Al Anon, this forum, and a blog called Through an Al Anon Filter. Through An Al-Anon Filter

Best of luck to you and keep posting, we want to hear from you!
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:35 AM
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hopeful in fla,

that through an al anon filter site - my eyes are POPPING OUT OF MY HEAD. it's like that person is taking thoughts and feelings out of my head. everything is so helpful...i'm so relieved for everyone's responses. i can't believe i'm not alone. when it got really bad this past month, when he lost his job, we both really started to shut down. i only left the house to go to work and ran home to make sure he was alive.

i so effectively shut the outside world out in what i saw as an effort to protect us that i isolated myself from everything. reading these posts is like gasping for air and finally getting it. i'm so racked with guilt for letting it get so bad. i figured he was just depressed and self medicating which i didn't see as that big of a deal as long as i could keep the show going, i thought eventually he'd see how much i care about him and kinda snap out of it...he had in the past. he almost died. he still may.
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Old 10-28-2013, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by hwga1977 View Post

i so effectively shut the outside world out in what i saw as an effort to protect us that i isolated myself from everything.
Welcome to SR.

I wish to lend my voice of support to you, hwga1977. I, too, gradually isolated with my binge-drinking BF, believing I was his only life-line, that without me he would surely die. He had several, very scary health episodes, including falling, black eyes, black outs, seizures - drinking that left him nearly comatose.

Like you, I felt terrible guilt at not being able to protect him from his self-destructive behavior.

I do finally understand, deep down in my very soul, that I never could love him enough to banish the alcoholism. His only hope lies in loving HIMSELF enough.

Please continue to take care of you; reach for any and all support you can find. If you do this, you will slowly emerge from what we call the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt - sound familiar?) and YOU will begin to heal, regardless of the choices your boyfriend makes.

We're here for you.
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Old 10-28-2013, 10:52 AM
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i cannot believe how intuitive you all are, how so many things are things that i have thought and felt and experienced and felt utterly alone and scared. while i still have no idea how i'm going to make it through this, at least i know someone somewhere did.
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Old 10-28-2013, 11:24 AM
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we are not intuitive, we have all lived this too.
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Old 10-28-2013, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by whiskeyman View Post
we are not intuitive, we have all lived this too.
Yep. We speak from experience, not intuition. We are all part of a club that should never have need to exist. Alcoholism ruins lives, but we have the ability to choose to not let it ruin ours. The A does, too, but the only person we can change is ourselves. If love were enough to get them sober, none of us would be here. I learned today that my alcoholic mother is in end stage alcoholism and hasn't eaten in three days. There used to be a time when I would yell and try to force her to see what she was doing "to us." And now I don't feel much of anything except a sadness that this is what she has CHOSEN to do TO HERSELF. It has nothing to do with any of us. Al-Anon and SR gave me the tools to get myself into recovery, and I know they can help you, too. We are here for you, so keep reading and posting.
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Old 10-28-2013, 01:14 PM
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the longer you are in recovery (of any kind) the more you will find, you are not UNIQUE.
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Old 10-29-2013, 07:49 AM
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well the meeting with the social worker was about thirty seconds long and very unproductive. he seemed completely disinterested and not even very well informed. i'm going back again today to try to talk to someone else, and hopefully my bf will be out of icu and in step down, so we can more realistically talk about d/c. would it be possible/helpful to have an AA person come in to talk to him while i'm not there to see how receptive he is to the idea of recovery? i have a feeling that if i bring it up he'll say anything to be let back into our house. i want it to be a decision he makes independent of me. i also am going to request a psych consult because i have a very strong feeling this last binge was a suicide attempt.

any other ideas on what happens next? his only option (in my eyes) is a state funded 28 day program and i want to get him into that asap.

thank you again for all of your help and advice. i feel like i'm walking around in the dark fumbling for a light switch.
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Old 10-29-2013, 08:46 AM
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I can only tell you what my experience was. My husband went to a 28 day program which insurance paid for (not state insurance though). While there he was working the AA program in addition to counseling.

I hate to say this, but 28 days was definitely not enough. He should have had follow up plans at a sober living facility. I should NEVER have let him come home after. I wish I had waited at least a year before letting him come back home. This would have forced him to work on him and me to work on me. I would not be where I am today, that is for sure.
If you believe it was a suicide attempt, push for that psych consult and BE HONEST with them and tell them you thought it was a suicide attempt. If they don't seem interested tell them it is on them legally that they did not attempt to help someone who is suicidal. That will perk them right up, promise.

It is obvious you are trying very hard to get him the help he needs. However, he has to be open to receiving that help. In my opinion, programs like AA are great tools, but they are not a "cure." He can cure himself with help, but he has to want it.

In the mean time, I hope you are getting some help for you. Don't try to do this alone, it is too much and being the partner of an addict can be very lonely and stressful.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Old 10-29-2013, 11:43 AM
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I say this very gently. You are not going to get him into treatment if he's not ready. If he's pushed into it, it won't work. It has to be his decision.

Put your energy where it can do some good....work on YOU. Find an AlAnon group and try a few meetings. Read the sticky's at the top of the page. Get the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Decide now, while he's still in the hospital, what your boundaries are. If you don't want him back in the house, let him know he needs to make other arrangements.

He can choose to avoid recovery if he wants, that's his right. You can choose to not live with an active alcoholic, that's your right.
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:06 PM
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recovering2 - i know what you're saying. all of this is being put into place while he is still heavily sedated. i haven't even discussed this with my bf yet. i am very ready for him to not be into it. but that is ok, it's his choice. he doesn't have keys to the apt anymore, he hasn't paid rent in a month, i just want to make the best choice easy, but if he doesn't want it thats ok too. he can strike out on his own and who knows maybe he'll succeed.

my first al anon mtg is tomorrow night. my rent is taken care of this month and next month and i am in the process of finding a third (maybe just 2nd if he chooses not to get help) roommate. i'm ready for anything, really. thank you for everything, honestly. and please keep being as honest as you all have been. it is exactly what i need.
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