goodstitch

My qualifier is on a major binge. I have only seen him once in the last three weeks and he just looked and sounded so CRAZY!
I blocked him for a few days but unblocked him since I always do it anyway.
This last week I was calling to check on him and getting so worried when he wouldn't pick up. I know I shouldn't but I'm super compelled.
I'm very good at getting off the phone when he does call, at least. I'm debating blocking him again, but I just get so worried. I know I'm thinking that it somehow helps. Please remind me why I just needn't bother.
GS

FeelingGreat

Hi is there any reason why you might need to be in contact with him? I'm thinking if you needed to get in touch urgently you could unblock, but would there be any reason why he'd need to call you urgently? Aside from wanting to be rescued?
If he's a partner, going missing for 3 weeks is not the sort of action that sustains a relationship. I'm getting mad on your behalf.

Hawkeye13

I think you should look at why you are "super compelled" since it sounds like you also know this isn't good for you at all. I'm with FeelingGreat and also getting mad on your behalf. What about putting the block on for good or better still changing you number? How much happiness is this person going to bring into your life if you look ahead even short term? Good luck and take care.

marie1960

" Please remind me why I just needn't bother." (goodstitch)

Because NOTHING has changed, and YOU my friend, deserve so much better!

He is an ADULT, he can figure it out for himself.

If he chooses to continue on his destructive path, he will, and there is NOTHING you can do to prevent this from happening, we simply are not that powerful.

Try to keep your mind occupied, stay busy, do healthy things for yourself.

If you want some peace, I would return to the No Contact status, this is now about YOU, and YOU can give yourself permission to go forward.

CarryOn

You didn't Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it.

So, what does the worry do for you? Does it make you happy or bring you peace? I doubt it. Worrying made me crazy, anxious, & upset.

Is you worrying about the A going to change anything the A does? NO. End of story.

Find something else to do with that energy...preferably something that will bring you peace and joy.

goodstitch

FeelingGreat, there is no need for me to contact him. We don't have kids, I'm not financially dependent on him, just wishing;( There is no relationship and I'm trying to detach, as apposed to being pissed. I can't even be angry at him since I keep putting myself in this situation. I guess I'm still doing research.

Hawkeye13, I know why I'm compelled. I don't want him to die, but I know that it's not in my hands. He is the one putting the bottle to his lips. He is responsible.

Marie1960, 'tis true. I was just talking to a friend whose friend actually has a condition that is fatal if she continues to drink. In talking about the self destruction these two qualifiers are participating in, I remember how I've worked so hard to bring harmony and nurture to my life. My qualifier, a person I fell in love with, is bringing nothing close to those things to me.

CarryOn, it IS making me crazy, anxious, and upset and it doesn't change a damned thing. Exhale.......I'm going to walk toward peace and joy

Thank you everybody! I needed your comfort.

GS

amy55

GS,

He is doing this to you now, and you aren't even married. Mine did it when we were married. He would disappear anywhere from a week to 3 months or longer. Wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't call, then would come back home and say, we haven't been fighting for whatever time he disappear for, and then blame me for carrying a grudge and that I don't get over things.

This could be your life, it was mine for awhile. I'm divorced now.

Block him, if you want to call him come here and we will gently hit you with the SR 2x4.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

amy

spiderqueen

GS, I sent you a pm

NWGRITS

I've been there before. Not A boyfriends, but still guys who treated me like crap. Good codie that I am, I went bonkers reading email and texts, making up reasons to call, analyzing every single moment to figure out what went wrong. Thank God for therapy and Al-Anon, because otherwise I'd still be pining away for what I now know are complete losers who aren't worth my time. I ran from my now-husband because he was everything I wanted but didn't think I deserved. He's the poster boy for detachment-- let me go and figure ish out on my own. I worked on me, the stars aligned, and we gave it another shot. A few years later, here we are. It's not a perfect marriage, but it is built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect for each other. Those things were missing in all of my past relationships (including those with my FOO). Work on taking care of yourself, and the rest will come in due time.