Ash007

Hi, I hope nobody minds me posting in this section but I was hoping to get the perspective of the non-addict in my situation. Basically, my ex left me two months ago because of a lot of stuff in our relationship which stemmed from my alcoholism. Before he even left I stopped drinking and have quit two months today. He keeps telling me this is not a phase we are going through but also says that I still mean the world to him and that he does love me, just not in 'that way', he spends a lot of time in our house and still calls me for a chat because he doesnt want to lose me because I'm his best friend. We have been together 12 years and have three children and when I say to him 'you broke my heart' he says things like 'you made your choice' or 'you broke my heart first'. I guess I'm clutching at straws here but from your perspective does this really sound like a forever breakup or do you think he just needs some space?
Thanks for taking the time to read this I'm just so confused by his behaviour when I am truly committed to a sober life.

Seren

Hello Ash, Congratulations on your 2 months! That's fantastic!!

It sounds to me like you are looking for someone to tell you that it will all be OK. I wish we could, but none of us can really tell you that.

I have never broken up with an alcoholic, but I have reached the end of my rope with some of the alcoholics in my life. Sometimes, the trust just cannot be rebuilt.

I don't believe there are any words or promises you can tell him now that he will believe--your continued sobriety is the best thing you can do for yourself, for him, but especially for your children. Wishing you and your precious little ones all the best!

ZenMe

Ash007,

This is such a tough question to answer, it would be easy if crystal balls actually existed... There are so many factors, will you be the same person once you hit long term sobriety? will he be the same person if he's working on himself (as those in this sub-forum do)?

Speaking as someone who broke up with an alcoholic (I went no contact since no kids). If she showed true remorse, really worked the program, was a year sober. My future self may give it another go. That's up to him though.

All I can say is right now your sobriety is the MOST important thing, more important than if you guys will survive as a couple. It's the base upon which healthy relationships can be built. So right now I would focus on building the best base/structure and not get side tracked. The push/pull and emotions of a relationship can be tough to deal with and are such strong triggers. Hang in there.

It's great to hear you are taking your sobriety seriously. Keep at it and also wishing you the best.

choublak

After reading through some of your posts, I understand you're in AA? Do you have a sponsor you can discuss this with?

There's not really a universal "non-addict perspective"; I personally can't speak for anyone but myself, I will say that it drove me crazy when my boyfriend was still drinking and would "quit" for awhile and start drinking again. You're committed to sobriety now, but there's no way of him knowing that. It takes time to rebuild the trust.

Congrats on two months sober!

Springs

Congrats on two months! From my perspective sobriety isn't enough to mend what was broken by the A, sobriety just means that mending may be possible. Are you working a program? Working a recovery program may help give you clarity on how best to show up for this situation.

sunshine27

Two months! That is huge believe it or not. I am going through round 3 with RAH. We are currently separated right now actually.

I don't know your situation but I can tell you what I am going through on this side. I feel like I can't trust a word he says. I don't feel "in love," with him. I do miss him greatly and cry quite a bit about everything that has happened. Give him some time. He has recovery to go through too. If he really loves you, and you do the self-growth you need to do, there is a good fighting chance for you both to be together.

I know that I am giving RAH that chance. I won't lie, it really hurts, a lot.

That is all I can really say but I do wish you both the best.

LightInside

Wow, Ash. I feel for you. Anyone going through the loss of a loved one has a lot to deal with, especially if kids are involved. Personally, I'm going through it right now, except that my XA made the decision to break up (I was just to scared of the inevitable grief, and for good reason).

I want to echo what people are saying about your sobriety being top priority. It also would serve you to make your recovery for you, not to try to win back your X.

I'm assuming if you're working AA that you have a HP. Can you trust your HP enough to turn the future of your relationship over to it/her/him? Can you trust that everything is working out for your highest good? This has been hard for me to do sometimes since my break up, but it seems to be getting easier.

Something that I can day as a codependent in recovery is that I am learning that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I hear other codependents say this too. This doesn't mean that if you put on a big show for a few weeks or months that your X would suddenly want you back. It means that over a long period of time, if you walk your talk, your X is MORE LIKELY to trust you again - no guarantees. Here's some truth that I can't stand hearing, but I repeat because it's truth: Sometimes relationships have just reached their expiration.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Ash. It's so hard, but probably even harder when you have to learn new coping mechanisms to get through it. Hang in there. It will get better. Love those kids while they're still young. <3

MistyM

Hello Ash, depending on how long you were using and how long your Husband dealt with it and on individual responses as well. There is another site I read and post on called alcoholicsfriend.com and there is a recovering A posting there to try to gain insite on just how bad she hurt her family while using. It seems to me while using she was in a different frame of mind and did not know how badly she hurt people, Just by her questions to us the non-A. So it would help to do some research. I can tell you what we go through hurts a lot and kills a lot inside us. Trust is badly damaged by lies and actions.
Pray, have patience, and prove yourself worthy of that trust again. If not him think of your future relationship you may have.

FeelingGreat

Hi Ash, he's sending mixed messages isn't he? If you guys were a childless couple I would suggest non-contact would be the only way to move on cleanly. It can be unfair to the partner who has been left if the other keeps hanging round.
Seeing you do have children, there's a lot at stake. The deal breaker would be if either of you met someone else; and if your ex does I suggest you ask him for a clean break so you can both move on.
In the meanwhile concentrate on being the best person you can be for yourself. Amazing 2 months sober!

LightInside

Good point from Feeling Great. He is sending mixed messages and having him around isn't going to help you get over him or to focus on yourself. My X did a similar thing when we broke up. I have to be very persistent when it comes to No Contact with him. He has no problems hanging around and jabbering away like we've been nothing but friends for the last 7 years. Its difficult to be No Contact when I sometimes have no one to act as liaison when we exchange our son. I do my best.

bi11fish

Sounds like the ball is in your court. Stay sober and see how it works out or get drunk and trash the whole deal. Sounds like the choice is yours.

hopeful4

Congrats on those two months! That is great!

From the other perspective, I think I rushed back into things much too quickly with my alcoholic husband. After he went to rehab I wish we would have stayed separated and each of us work on ourselves for at least a year and continue to be great co-parents. I wonder where we would be today had that happened. My advise would be to give it time. Instead of obsessing about the relationship, spend time working on you and continuing to stay sober and get to the roots of why you were drinking in the first place. Let him work on him. Co-parent to your children in a positive and constructive way. If you both work on yourselves you will know later on if you are to be together or not as you will be who you truly are, not the alcoholic and the codependent.

Good Luck and God Bless!

FireSprite

*I* needed a separation when RAH was in early recovery. Like others responded, it's really hard to know what to believe, to work on rebuilding trust, to feel like the alcoholic in the relationship truly sees & understands the depths of what we've dealt with as the sober partner & how much it all hurts.

My pain didn't even get "real" until after he became sober; until then all of my energy went toward holding it all together & then I just crumbled inside. It's really impossible to figure out how to plan your life around what "might be" around the corner IF our qualifier actually stays sober, especially if there is any history of relapse.

Congrats on 2 months, that's wonderful!!

hopeful4

Firesprite...that is so right. I don't think I stressed nearly as much before recovery. I more just accepted it is what it is. Now the work of worrying about him STAYING sober is what I obsess about. Never really thought of this until right now, thank you for that insight. I am planning the "might be" in my life right now, sometimes I see a "might be" of happy holidays and fun times together with our children. Other times I know the "prob will be" divorced and trying to figure it all out with who goes where when. The unknowing is a hard thing. But living with the chaos that comes along with an alcoholic is worse.

Ruby2

Hi Ash,

Congratulations on 2 months! That is fantastic. I am sorry that you are hurting but since I don't know anything about your situation I cannot say more than only time will tell. Work on yourself and sobriety. Your partner may not be able to provide you with any answers because he might not know the answer himself - which leads to the confusing messages you are getting.

What I can share is my perspective. I too am an alcoholic, married to an alcoholic/drug addict. We have been up and down, backwards and forwards in terms of maintaining sobriety. Round ten (or what it seems like) he was continuously sober for 18 months. I had been sober 10.5 months. I was just starting to trust him again. That is over the course of 18 months and I was just starting to trust him again. And then he relapsed. Pretty soon I was back to square one, hiding anything in the house that was of value, any medications that were not his prescriptions. Every night I have to hide my atm cards, my credit card, my checks, any cash, my son's adderall, my valium, etc. Or it will all be gone. 18 months and "poof" the fragile trust is gone, again.

I couldn't handle it and I relapsed. Lost my 10.5 months and am struggling to get back there again.

Your partner may be taking a wait and see attitude. He may not. But as I earlier wrote, only time will tell. But what I do know is that I am tired of the circus. I am tired of his chronic relapses. We seem to get worse off every time he starts using again. Your partner may be afraid that this might happen.

Good luck and hang in there. Two months is great!