Alcoholic brother and Father, seeking help and guidance.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 2
Alcoholic brother and Father, seeking help and guidance.
My dad has been an alcoholic all of my life. I have early memories of begging my dad to stop drinking, and I grew angry as I got older because there are times I remember him acknowledging my begging him to stop to other family members. "My daughter hates when I drink. She begs me to stop, don't you sweetie?" and I would nod agreeably. I would have grown up angry, but I kind of became numb to his behavior of carrying around a glass of wine everywhere he went, and starting arguments with myself, my mom, and my brother. I had learned how, in my own way, to accept and avoid him. But, now I'm 23 years old, and my 27 year old brother is now struggling with alcoholism and substance abuse. He is being convicted of his second DWI and hit and run, and makes reckless decisions daily. I'm here because I've seemed to have lost a piece of my soul along the way, and I'm tired of feeling bitter and sad. I'm angry with my brother for being the way that he is, and I know that I shouldn't be, because this is a disease. But, I have a hard time emotionally grasping that concept...I have almost no relationship with my mom, because she is constantly tending to my brother. Checking on him religiously, waking up when he comes home to greet him and see how his day was, making him food and getting him water when he's thirsty, sitting with him while he smokes outside. This is where I start to feel ****** about myself, because I know that he needs love and support. But, my dad obviously doesn't pay too much attention to either of us and never has all of our lives, and I find that now he, too, is paying attention to my brother more...I've sort of been put aside for my brother's sake, and I get it. But, I just kind of feel orphaned at the moment. I understand having to be there for someone who is an alcoholic, but a lot of the times my mom comes off as an enabler. She will always bash my dad for drinking, and say how awful it is, and how he sets a bad example, and how he starts arguments for no reason...but, my brother is a living breathing replica and yet she coddles him and tells him how wonderful he is. I just don't understand. I'm so sad, because (and, please don't judge what I'm about to say...) I've made all of the right decisions in terms of drug and alcohol use. I say no to driving if I've had a drink, I've never experimented or used any drug, and I'm not very argumentative, and it seems my reward from my mom is being ignored.
This is the first place I thought to come to, now that I've gotten engaged and am trying to find a sort of peace with the whole situation. I'm not sure how to go about it, but this will be the first step. I want to be able to forgive, understand, support, and love both my father and brother.
This is the first place I thought to come to, now that I've gotten engaged and am trying to find a sort of peace with the whole situation. I'm not sure how to go about it, but this will be the first step. I want to be able to forgive, understand, support, and love both my father and brother.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so sorry that you and your brother were raised in the middle of such dysfunction. Alcoholism is truly a family disease...it runs through my family like a river--no pun intended. I have learned that just as I can't control the alcoholic's drinking, I can't control the enabler's behavior, either.
One thing I found very helpful at one point in my life was the face-to-face support offered by Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is for people whose lives have been impacted by someone else's drinking.
SR is also a great place to read, learn, and get support! There is a forum here that is specifically geared toward members who grew up in an alcoholic or addict household.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please stick around, make yourself at home, and post and ask questions as much as you need.
Welcome!
One thing I found very helpful at one point in my life was the face-to-face support offered by Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is for people whose lives have been impacted by someone else's drinking.
SR is also a great place to read, learn, and get support! There is a forum here that is specifically geared toward members who grew up in an alcoholic or addict household.
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Please stick around, make yourself at home, and post and ask questions as much as you need.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. So much in your story is my story as well.
Please find an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting near you and find a copy of the ACA Red Book. You will see your story there as well.
I'm glad you found us. Stay, read and share!
Please find an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting near you and find a copy of the ACA Red Book. You will see your story there as well.
I'm glad you found us. Stay, read and share!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's not fair is it Alex? Have you told your mother how you feel? Maybe you are showing them your strong facade and they don't understand how vulnerable you feel underneath.
I know I instinctively act tough when I'm upset, but people are much more receptive if they can see you're hurting.
Anyway those are just my thoughts. I hope you find your way through counselling and meeting like minded people. After all you have a long and hopefully happy life ahead of you.
I know I instinctively act tough when I'm upset, but people are much more receptive if they can see you're hurting.
Anyway those are just my thoughts. I hope you find your way through counselling and meeting like minded people. After all you have a long and hopefully happy life ahead of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
alex--I think FeelingGreat makes a very good point.
Also, I don't think you want your parents to love your brother less---you just need to feel like they love you more.
I can remember as an adult in my 30's (with children).....I was at home on a visit and my mother and stepfather were talking about my sisters---they were worried about this and about that, etc. for my sisters. (Bear in mind that I had never, ever, heard them say that they were worried for me)----So, I asked--why don't you ever worry for me like this? They laughed, and said: We have never had to worry for you--you always survive; you always make it!
Let me tell you--I cried most of the way back of the 350mi. trip home--to my husband about how heartbroken I felt over this.
I remember feelin just like you said, alex..."So, this is my reward for trying to be the perfect kid!"
dandylion
Also, I don't think you want your parents to love your brother less---you just need to feel like they love you more.
I can remember as an adult in my 30's (with children).....I was at home on a visit and my mother and stepfather were talking about my sisters---they were worried about this and about that, etc. for my sisters. (Bear in mind that I had never, ever, heard them say that they were worried for me)----So, I asked--why don't you ever worry for me like this? They laughed, and said: We have never had to worry for you--you always survive; you always make it!
Let me tell you--I cried most of the way back of the 350mi. trip home--to my husband about how heartbroken I felt over this.
I remember feelin just like you said, alex..."So, this is my reward for trying to be the perfect kid!"
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
The good child in the alcoholic family is usually the loneliest child.It is similar to being the only sober person in a room full of drunks. The only person who is authentic, rational, and still in touch with her feelings. Living with people who are either alcoholics or are severe codependents is an experience of abandonment.
You do not have to support either your father or your brother. They do not need and they do not want your support. They are indifferent to your "understanding" and will be so for as long as they are in active addiction. Do not try to reach them, change them, appeal to their better natures, or comfort them. The best you can do is remain detached and self-protective, as there will be no meaningful interactions, and anything you reveal to them about yourself they will use as a weapon against you when they have to, to get you off their backs, out of their way, so they can drink.
Your mother is an adult and as an adult has full responsibility for her actions. No need to let her off the hook, as she is capable of seeking professional help or recovery in a 12-Step program to deal with reality of the chaos in her life caused by alcoholism. But instead she is regressing, she is not growing, and in her obsession with your brother, she has become unavailable to you. There is nothing you can do to change her, and it is possible she will remain this way and become more fixed in her dysfunction, as codependency does progress just as alcoholism progresses.
If you are near a college or university, see if there is an Al-Anon meeting in that area, as often there is a strong meeting of people your age near a campus somewhere. They work on detaching from their families, accepting their powerlessness to change their families, and they concentrate on healing from their heartache caused by the abandonment experienced in their alcoholic homes, using that healing to better themselves, making their own lives safe, sane, and real. Some have to cut off contact with the family. Others limit their time with family.
The reality is that your family is one of addiction and that has tremendous influence on you, and either you will be lost, and drift into relationships or friendships with people who will bring about a repetition of abandonment, or you will face the reality of your wounding, seek help, and be able to see people clearly and choose relationships wisely. The focus should be on you, not on anyone in your family nor the dynamics of their interactions with each other. You matter, and the only person who can affect what your future will be--a replaying of family history or a new and better life--is you.
You do not have to support either your father or your brother. They do not need and they do not want your support. They are indifferent to your "understanding" and will be so for as long as they are in active addiction. Do not try to reach them, change them, appeal to their better natures, or comfort them. The best you can do is remain detached and self-protective, as there will be no meaningful interactions, and anything you reveal to them about yourself they will use as a weapon against you when they have to, to get you off their backs, out of their way, so they can drink.
Your mother is an adult and as an adult has full responsibility for her actions. No need to let her off the hook, as she is capable of seeking professional help or recovery in a 12-Step program to deal with reality of the chaos in her life caused by alcoholism. But instead she is regressing, she is not growing, and in her obsession with your brother, she has become unavailable to you. There is nothing you can do to change her, and it is possible she will remain this way and become more fixed in her dysfunction, as codependency does progress just as alcoholism progresses.
If you are near a college or university, see if there is an Al-Anon meeting in that area, as often there is a strong meeting of people your age near a campus somewhere. They work on detaching from their families, accepting their powerlessness to change their families, and they concentrate on healing from their heartache caused by the abandonment experienced in their alcoholic homes, using that healing to better themselves, making their own lives safe, sane, and real. Some have to cut off contact with the family. Others limit their time with family.
The reality is that your family is one of addiction and that has tremendous influence on you, and either you will be lost, and drift into relationships or friendships with people who will bring about a repetition of abandonment, or you will face the reality of your wounding, seek help, and be able to see people clearly and choose relationships wisely. The focus should be on you, not on anyone in your family nor the dynamics of their interactions with each other. You matter, and the only person who can affect what your future will be--a replaying of family history or a new and better life--is you.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 2
I can't tell you guys how much this post became a therapy for me. I've re-read it a couple of times, because I'm so surprised I actually finally said any of it. It's so refreshing to talk so candidly about something that I feel like I've never really been able to talk about to anyone - even my closest friends.
I have not told my mom how I feel in regards to her giving my brother all of the love, compassion, and attention that she does, mostly because I'm still trying to understand that it isn't selfish of me. I feel like such a spoiled snotty woman demanding attention like that when I'm 23 years old. I'm hoping to one day be able to gather the strength, words, and stability to tell her how bad she really makes me feel by ignoring me.
Dandylion, I'm so sorry that you've gone through it also. But, you are my inspiration to finding more peace and harmony in my life. You seem to have put it in the past - how did you do that, if you don't mind me asking?
I have not told my mom how I feel in regards to her giving my brother all of the love, compassion, and attention that she does, mostly because I'm still trying to understand that it isn't selfish of me. I feel like such a spoiled snotty woman demanding attention like that when I'm 23 years old. I'm hoping to one day be able to gather the strength, words, and stability to tell her how bad she really makes me feel by ignoring me.
Dandylion, I'm so sorry that you've gone through it also. But, you are my inspiration to finding more peace and harmony in my life. You seem to have put it in the past - how did you do that, if you don't mind me asking?
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