rcutch

AH made calls all day Friday to get into a rehab. He is on multiple waiting lists with hopes of a bed being available Mon or Tues. I agreed to allow him to stay here in our daughter's bedroom (she is at college right now). His DOC is Heroin, and this is about the 7-8th time we have gone thru withdrawal. Each time I have helped him based on a plan I located on the internet. It puts together a schedule for the first 7 days to minimize thoughts and pain. I normally try to manage this part for him. Friday I did not. I gave him the plan, put him in the room and told him that he needed to work this on his own. Part of that plan is walking, he told me that he would not walk unless I went along because there would be the initial temptation to walk to a dealer's house. I have left him alone other than letting him know I was going to walk if he chose to come along. He has done nothing but sit in that room.

Yesterday he asked for his cell phone back. As much as I wanted to keep it, or fight about it, I didn't. I simply gave it back to him. I know I cannot manage this recovery. Now, he has moved to our sofa where he has been watching TV all night long. He has complete disregard for anything I say or do - this is where the SELFISH addict is so apparent.

I have this sick feeling in my stomach that when a rehab calls for an available bed he will say he doesn't need to go, and I know at that time I need to pack up the kids and go, it just breaks my heart. I am feeling so much anxiety sitting here waiting for the shoe to fall. I really need him to leave.

Twofish

Hey Rcutch, You need a plan a and a plan b. when the rehab calls when a bed opens and he says no, why would you have to pack up and leave? You're not the one with addiction attached to your name. And you need some boundaries. You let him move back into your home actively using, with younger children in the home? Then he decides to move to the couch and lay around and watch tv all night? Does he desire sobriety? Sounds like he knows how you will handle it, try and handle it differently? No more Mrs. nice gal. It's time to change and if he doesn't like it, too bad? You and the kids have suffered long enough. I hope this "tough love" is gentle enough to help you. Good luck, hope he goes and gets himself well. Keep posting and reading.
TF

Txhelp

I agree with twofish. He needs the inconvenience of moving unless you have some other reason.

I hear that you are releasing his recovery to him. You are disappointed but he needs to figure this out and you already know that part.

Hugs to you.

overit263

Been there done that! The first relapse I went through with my soon to be XAH, we went for walks and I was so sad and depressed that I couldn't make it more than a block or two without breaking down. The second time was the last time...and I did not care, did not feel depressed, only felt relief that I was not going to be a part of this anymore. My XAH DOC is heroin as well. I never caught him in the act, so I couldn't figure out what was going on the second time, because he hid it even more than the first. Borrowed money from co workers so I wouldn't know because he knew I was looking for missing items, money gone etc. He finally couldn't borrow anymore, so he did sell some of my stuff and that's how I caught him the second time. I'm soooo sorry you are going through this. I know how miserable and exhausting it is and I don't think I could ever forget. You are going the right thing by not trying to control anything. I kicked mine out as soon as I found out both times, and offered a ride to rehab or the hospital if he wanted, but if not oh well. Have a plan, stick to your guns, and put yourself first. He's a big boy and as I see it, they have the ingenuity to get drugs, then they have the ingenuity to get help on their own too.

rcutch

If there was a way to keep him out, I would. I have had police here. I have had Children & Youth here, his name is on the house and there is no way to get him out. If he refuses to leave, then it does require me packing my children and leaving. It's not what I want, but it's no longer an excuse to stay.

As for letting him in, I locked the house tight on Thursday eve and took the girls and left while he was outside in the camper sleeping. We stayed at my parents, and when I returned to work on Fri morning, he was in the house. He has now been clean for 3 days. He has not returned to using, and yesterday when the girls and I got ready for church, I left him alone and he got up and went to church with us. I am confident that he is clean. My concern is that he still needs to go to rehab to work on this thought process and recovery - but I know he won't, because he conquered the worse himself. I am letting him go, it's just a daily struggle for me because I WANT his recovery to look like what I think it should look like. I am going to meetings, but this is where my frustration and emotions are struggling.

Twofish

Dear Retuch, Tread lightly my friend. Wait til those cravings kick in or that addictive voice in him gets mad. Three days "clean" (ya sure?) and getting up to attend church one time does not equal a recovered heroin addict! Keep going to meeting, listen to their stories. Stick around us. You need support now more than ever. I'm sorry if this comes off hard, I'm a nice person, I just want you to have the peace you deserve. Hugs to you, TF

MLJ88

Good Luck Rcutch. I can hear your anguish in your post. It sounds like you know exactly what you are doing. If YOU feel you need to pack up the kids and leave, then you are probably right. Listen to your gut instincts- they will never fail you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your kids, and your husband.