A letter to my AH
It's a Puggle!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
A letter to my AH
Hey guys, I just wrote this letter to my H and I need some feedback. It took me all morning and I need to know if I am being codie, or enabling in any way. Mostly I need to know if you wrote it would you give it to your H? Thanks so much
Paula
Well, babe, here we are. I don't know if you realize it, but we have come to a crossroad. I can't, no, I won't continue to live this way. I am tired of being afraid in my own home, afraid of what our kids are going to see or hear next, afraid of what kind of mood you're going to be in the next time you come home drunk, afraid of what's going to happen to me the next time you come in out of control. I can see the rage building in you, I believe if I would have walked out of the room the other night you would have snapped and not only would I be physically hurt but our son would have a seriously bad memory of his father to deal with. I know that you don't want that.
I am going to get into the "C" thing, only because I am tired of myself or my sister getting blamed. First of all--you are abusive, I know you don't want to admit to that, and I know you haven't laid a hand on me in a very long time--but you keep the threat of violence hanging over me every chance you get. I'm sorry but it is the same thing, there are just no bruises to show for it. As far as C goes, I didn't say anything to her and neither did my sister. One of the boys heard about that really bad fight we had and went home and told Mom about it way back when, and C drew her own conclusions. C loves you and only wants the best for you. Whatever she said was said out of love and concern for you. So please take it for what it was and quit looking for the person who is out to get you. Because quite honestly babe, the only person out to get you, is you. Until you figure that out you are going to keep putting distance between yourself and everyone in your life, and one day you will wake up all alone and there will be no one left to blame.
What I have finally realized is that we are not responsible for each others happiness. I can't make you happy, as much as I want to, as much as I've convinced myself that I can, it's out of my hands. We have to find our own happiness and only then can we share it with the people that we love. Right now neither of us is happy and as much as we have tried to fix that for each other, we can't. I am figuring out that a lot of my unhappiness comes from things that happened in my life long before I knew you. I also am realizing that I don't have what it takes to fix that part of me on my own, so I am getting help with that. I have to, for my sake and for the kids. They have a right to a happy healthy life and it IS our responsibility to make sure they, at the very least, get to start their lives that way. For that to happen WE need to be happy and healthy. I really hope that this is making sense to you.
Now, about us and our marriage...I have done nothing but think and re-think our relationship over the past few days. Thought through every possible way that we can go from here. My favorite outcome is that we BOTH get help and work through all of this B.S. together and live happily ever after. God do I wish that would happen. But then I have a very hard time trusting that could ever happen. I don't think you are ready for help, so what I honestly see happening is me getting help and making changes within myself and you getting more resentful every step that I take to get better. Because I will be changing and you won't. Which in my mind, will make things worse than they already are for us. I could be wrong and maybe you would just accept it and learn to deal with the changes, but I'm not sure that I trust that either. I could just not get help and leave things the way they are, but in all honesty that really isn't an option. Once you start thinking about crossing the center line and smashing head on into a semi, you either do it, or you get help. I can't do it, so I am going to get help. We could just split up and be done with it all. Just the thought of giving up makes if feel like someone is ripping my heart right out of my chest. I can't stand the thought of being without you, because I know somewhere in there is my soul mate, and I don't want to let him go. I don't want to wreak the havoc in our kids lives that a divorce will cause, but I don't want them to look at me in ten years and hate me because I kept them in a bad situation. What it comes down to is that I don't know what to do, there are too many ways we can go, some good, some bad, but none of them easy. What I do know for sure is that I love you and our kids more than anything, and what I don't want is for any of you to be hurt unnecessarily. I need to know what you are thinking, straight from your heart, honestly and not on the defensive. Whatever decisions we make we are affecting more than just our lives, we need to keep that in mind, and try to reach the one that is the best for us all.
Paula
Well, babe, here we are. I don't know if you realize it, but we have come to a crossroad. I can't, no, I won't continue to live this way. I am tired of being afraid in my own home, afraid of what our kids are going to see or hear next, afraid of what kind of mood you're going to be in the next time you come home drunk, afraid of what's going to happen to me the next time you come in out of control. I can see the rage building in you, I believe if I would have walked out of the room the other night you would have snapped and not only would I be physically hurt but our son would have a seriously bad memory of his father to deal with. I know that you don't want that.
I am going to get into the "C" thing, only because I am tired of myself or my sister getting blamed. First of all--you are abusive, I know you don't want to admit to that, and I know you haven't laid a hand on me in a very long time--but you keep the threat of violence hanging over me every chance you get. I'm sorry but it is the same thing, there are just no bruises to show for it. As far as C goes, I didn't say anything to her and neither did my sister. One of the boys heard about that really bad fight we had and went home and told Mom about it way back when, and C drew her own conclusions. C loves you and only wants the best for you. Whatever she said was said out of love and concern for you. So please take it for what it was and quit looking for the person who is out to get you. Because quite honestly babe, the only person out to get you, is you. Until you figure that out you are going to keep putting distance between yourself and everyone in your life, and one day you will wake up all alone and there will be no one left to blame.
What I have finally realized is that we are not responsible for each others happiness. I can't make you happy, as much as I want to, as much as I've convinced myself that I can, it's out of my hands. We have to find our own happiness and only then can we share it with the people that we love. Right now neither of us is happy and as much as we have tried to fix that for each other, we can't. I am figuring out that a lot of my unhappiness comes from things that happened in my life long before I knew you. I also am realizing that I don't have what it takes to fix that part of me on my own, so I am getting help with that. I have to, for my sake and for the kids. They have a right to a happy healthy life and it IS our responsibility to make sure they, at the very least, get to start their lives that way. For that to happen WE need to be happy and healthy. I really hope that this is making sense to you.
Now, about us and our marriage...I have done nothing but think and re-think our relationship over the past few days. Thought through every possible way that we can go from here. My favorite outcome is that we BOTH get help and work through all of this B.S. together and live happily ever after. God do I wish that would happen. But then I have a very hard time trusting that could ever happen. I don't think you are ready for help, so what I honestly see happening is me getting help and making changes within myself and you getting more resentful every step that I take to get better. Because I will be changing and you won't. Which in my mind, will make things worse than they already are for us. I could be wrong and maybe you would just accept it and learn to deal with the changes, but I'm not sure that I trust that either. I could just not get help and leave things the way they are, but in all honesty that really isn't an option. Once you start thinking about crossing the center line and smashing head on into a semi, you either do it, or you get help. I can't do it, so I am going to get help. We could just split up and be done with it all. Just the thought of giving up makes if feel like someone is ripping my heart right out of my chest. I can't stand the thought of being without you, because I know somewhere in there is my soul mate, and I don't want to let him go. I don't want to wreak the havoc in our kids lives that a divorce will cause, but I don't want them to look at me in ten years and hate me because I kept them in a bad situation. What it comes down to is that I don't know what to do, there are too many ways we can go, some good, some bad, but none of them easy. What I do know for sure is that I love you and our kids more than anything, and what I don't want is for any of you to be hurt unnecessarily. I need to know what you are thinking, straight from your heart, honestly and not on the defensive. Whatever decisions we make we are affecting more than just our lives, we need to keep that in mind, and try to reach the one that is the best for us all.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
I liked your letter. Especially the part about the kids.
Did you give it to him? And what was his response?
Whenever I try to talk my SO about our situation....he just denies any problem. I guess from his side...there is no problem. He can drink, he can rant and rave and I am just supposed to take it. This is how my last marriage was too. My ex was not an alcoholic but he was emotionally abusive and everything was done his way. I wish you luck.
Did you give it to him? And what was his response?
Whenever I try to talk my SO about our situation....he just denies any problem. I guess from his side...there is no problem. He can drink, he can rant and rave and I am just supposed to take it. This is how my last marriage was too. My ex was not an alcoholic but he was emotionally abusive and everything was done his way. I wish you luck.
It's a Puggle!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Thanks guys. I am going to wait until the little guy is in bed tonight and then I am going to give it to him. At least he will know what my thoughts are. When he is sober he is fairly reasonable, so maybe that small part of him that wants to be better will pay attention this time. Yeah, right!
Have a good night!
Paula
Have a good night!
Paula
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
omg, paula, i could take your letter and make only a few changes and give it my husband, and he would swear I had written it. It amazes me how so many of all of our stories have the same cr** in them! I'm so sorry for what you are living with right now and for decisions you feel compelled to make for the good of everybody. That's the toughest part for me is that there is no me and him.... there are 3 others very deeply in the midst of this junk and I'm the only parental advocate they have at the moment.... a very lonely place!
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