whatsgoingon

It's tough.

I thought I'd cracked it but I have not. I went 10 months sober but then, well you know the rest. A celebration drink on my birthday, a toast at someone's leaving do, a quick drink with an old friend and on on etc etc.

I'm not as bad as I was. But I know I have problem. My relationship with booze is all wrong. I want more than I should. I sneek booze in and the sneek the empties out. I hide my addiction very well, I'm almost smug at how good I am at deceiving people.

So what next? What do i do?

Bit lost right now guys

orieme

You did ten months which is no small feat at all, well done.

It's a shame you've stumbled but you're already back here and recognising the fact you fell over.

Pick yourself up, brush of the dust and get back on the wonderful road that is sober life.

A little advice would be to remember that every time you make an excuse to have a drink - birthday, leaving do or one of the hundreds of others we use - it simply makes it easier to convince yourself "this time it won't be the same as the last time".

EDIT: Just noticed your location. The fact we we have about 4 bars per person here really doesn't help us.

ScottFromWI

I'd also say get back on the sober track again. Ten months is a great stretch. Having said that, celebrating ten months of sobriety by having a drink in your birthday doesn't exactly sound like you had a rock solid plan either. Have you tried AA or any of the secular/self led plans?

gaudi

Don't give up giving up. Sounds like you needed to remind yourself how crap it feels to be drinking again. Set a date to give up again and in the meantime keep thinking of all the bad things about drinking. And then think of all the good things about not. Good sleep is a good place to start. Don't lose heart and think positive. You really can do it. But you really have to mean it next time. Give it up and move on. It it not impossible. and you did 10 months! another two and it would have been a year.

I have a suggestion when you give up again just erase the time when you were drinking again and after two months call it a year - let's face it you will have done 12 months without booze.

Be proud of being honest and open instead of a good "hider". Good luck - really I wish you every success.

WhoDey

Wow. I could have started this thread.

I quit on Dec. 31. Told myself to go a month without alcohol then re-evaluate. Then I went two months. Made it to June when I let myself have a single beer when celebrating someone's birthday. It didn't take long until I was drinking every day. My wife and kids were okay with me having the occasional beer/glass of wine, but they wouldn't have liked me hitting the harder stuff. So, I began hiding bottles in my workshop ... something I never did before. Ugh. If you're hiding bottles/empties, you know the feeling.

Day 4 today! I can see now that last time I didn't really accept that I couldn't drink. I was making a bargain and never embraced the idea of never drinking again. I feel different this time and I hope it's enough ... but there may be other lessons I need to learn the hard way before beating this thing.

While I wish I had avoided the drink all year, I think there was a lesson that I needed to learn. We can do this. It won't be easy, but we can do it.

whatsgoingon

Oh man. What the f*** is going on.

Head is a little all over the place right now. Not quite ready to deal with things yet I also know that I'm in a dangerous place. Things are ok-ish but could get messed up if I'm not careful. I wish I knew why I drank? And why I want to drink? And why sometimes it almost feels right when I drink. I strangely feel more normal drinking than I did in the ten months I was sober. What is that all about?

The fact I'm hiding my drinking makes it all the more dangerous because it gives me an element of control. Right now I'm in my world and no one gas the faintest idea. It's sneeky beyond belief and I perversely get a kick out of that. It's like I have two lives a normal one and a secret drinking one.

Doh. ?

I dunno know anymore. Bit of a crazy time.


Sneeker x

IOAA2

"I wish I knew why I drank?"

Maybe because your a real alcoholic in stead of a maybe alcoholic?

BE WELL

gaudi

Hi again Whatsgoinon.

When I read your posts it really brings back memories. In my three years without drinking I've learnt a lot so listen well my friend.

You are not you right now. You are allowing the disease to control you. What you think you are getting a kick out of controlling, hiding bottles and not getting caught etc, is in fact you being weak and giving your disease what it wants. It is controlling you not the other way round.

So think on. Are you in charge of your life or is your addiction?

gaudi

WhoDey

Good luck. You can do it. Use your family as your impetus if you need to. I agree with you that sometimes we still have stuff to learn/get done. But you can decide that what you need to learn now is to LOVE being sober. Go for it. Enjoy it and embrace it.

Keep strong.

Dee74

I spent a lot of years looking for the reasons why I drank - it turned out it was a lot easier to stop drinking, then look for the reasons.

It really is, whatsgoingon.

Have you got any kind of plan for stopping?

D

instant

I think asking "Why" is useless- you do drink so start that fact. Finding some "underlying reason" is just a bargaining stage in coming to terms with the problem- it means you are keeping the idea alive that if you get to the root of your drinking you can keep drinking.

You can keep drinking as much as you would like- the stuff is a toxin and is addictive- you are on your way to even worse problems- no other explanation needed. Cravings are a killer- took me years to recognise them for what they were rather than some other "rational explanation"

Complacency when sober can be a trap- got me more than once

gaudi

You only drink to "feed" your disease. And the disease fools you into thinking it is a pleasure.

As you can see the disease is already turning you into a lier! Is that who you want to be?

whatsgoingon

I have got a lot to learn. It would appear that I have been fooling myself these past 10 months. I was a dry drunk. I obviously never quite got it figured out. In my mind the fact I stopped drinking was a massive achievement but all I had done was just that, stopped drinking. I was merely resisting the urge to drink, the demon inside was just kept under tight control. I did not tackle the underlying issues or create a structured plan to deal with my addiction. I thought giving up drinking would be enough.

One good thing is that if I gave up before I know I can do it again. Next time I try I need a better plan. I did try hard the last time though? I got counselling, I started exercising regularly and generally tried to be a better person.

I made some big mistakes last time. When I gave up drinking I also gave up socialising with my friends. I avoided situations where I would be faced with alcohol. I used to drive everywhere and have a list of ready made excuses why I could not drink.

I hate to say it but I think the only real way I can really make this thing work is by 'coming out' and admitting to friends and family that I have a problem. That scares the life out of me! Thing is, unless I'm accountable for my actions I fear I'll just carry on lying and deceiving people. Has any taken this kind of step before? What happened for you?

Thanks for all the advice and support guys, really appreciate it.

Sneeker

gaudi

Wow, you've already made a MASSIVE shift in your thinking. I think you're really ready. I am 3 years sober and was LOUD AND PROUD from the beginning. We have an illness and we should only be proud that we are dealing with it. And those who love us should be proud too. When I gave up I did all the normal things and I told everyone that I was an alcoholic and that I was choosing not to drink. 90 per cent of people were incredibly proud of me and were very supportive. The last ten per cent either tried to persuade me that I wasn't an alcoholic or tried to make me see that I could have a few drinks and keep it in moderation. The latter were ignorant and the former were either in denial themselves or afraid that they had a problem, but didn't and were just neurotic! All in all you can't buy into other people's stuff! I doesn't matter what anyone thinks but soak up the support (there will be a lot of it) and let go of the crap.

Most of all stay true to yourself. I could never have done it if I hadn't COME OUT. Most of all because of the support I got from others but also because I couldn't cheat them or myself. Also total honesty is a real letting go and you'll find that the "devil" goes with it. I really mean that. It's like you are holding your breath now and finally you breath out. And then you breath in fresh, clean air. It is totally liberating and at last you will have freedom.

I was once at a dinner party and there was another alcoholic there. I was 6 months sober and he was three years. When the wine came round I said "no thank you, I'm an alcoholic so I don't drink" - well done, everyone said. My partner in crime said "no thanks, I'm driving." Some months later he started drinking again and now he is very ill and his marriage has fallen apart. He kept the door open. I closed it firmly.

So now I am off to cook lunch for people and they will all sit around drinking. I will watch my husband try to stay awake and then when they've left he will snore on the sofa and miss the programme he wants to watch. Meanwhile I will be glad of the peace and the chance to read my book. Who would you rather be?

forabetterlife

I've been where you are, all too recently, and many times before that. While I have never had 10 months (which is amazing, by the way), I think my feelings were similar.

When I relapse, I often think of it as a relief, so glad to not be fighting that battle anymore of not drinking. And, yes, it almost feels normal again to be hiding bottles and hiding a buzz and managing all of that so that no one knows. But I agree that it is your addiction talking. We know that is not our true, authentic best self.
And maybe the first couple days or times we drink are really no big deal, and we think we've got this, who needs to be sober forever? But, without fail, without question, because addiction is sneaky and powerful, we end up back where we left off and wondering how we ever got back there. We got back there because of that ONE drink. It never works.

Give it some more sober time to try to make sense of it all. Your head needs to be in the right place and sometimes it isnt' right in the beginning when you are starting again.

We are here for you.

LadyBlue0527

Excellent post! It screams "I WANT THIS!"

Hawkeye13

For me drinking felt more "normal" than sobriety simply because I had much more time in as a drinker. 10 months is a great run, but how many years were you drinking before that? It takes time to normalize as a sober person.

Sounds like you get that you've been rationalizing the hiding / sneaking and that you need a plan. My plan included replacing drinking time with productive sober time--for me that was Crossfit, doing a video play the guitar course, journaling about my feelings and thoughts during recovery, including when and why I'm triggered, spending time with my spouse listening to him, and time taking walks in nature. I would suggest this kind of thing along with any program you might be considering. Giving yourself time to grow in sobriety is a key to long-term success and also helps with the happiness factor. Good luck!

gaudi

Well said, Forabetterlife. And well said Hawkeye. I agree wholeheartedly with what you both said.

Also why not write a daily journal while you are still drinking. I used to write about exactly how I felt about the wine - taste, smell and how it made me feel. I worked as a good means to put me off it. Most of what I wrote turned out to be negative.

neferkamichael

Whatsgoingon, yes it is tough, and you had 10 months, so you know you can do it. Rootin for ya.

Arbor

Very positive thoughts here. Although I can't imagine proclaiming to everyone at a dinner party that I'm an alcoholic. I don't think that's necessary. Letting the ones close know is very supportive. As for the rest who cares what they think.

Have you ever read up on AVRT? It's helped me tremendously.