Detaching with Love?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Detaching with Love?
I've been having difficulty with this concept of detachment. I hear it here; I hear it at alanon as well as reading it in various places. If there is anyone else new to SR I hope this helps your understanding because it has gone a long way in helping mine, but I by no means have it down pat.
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One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love.
Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with
love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone.
Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.
That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work. Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.
We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.
Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.
For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"
My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?
Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.
Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."
Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.
Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.
In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them-and to ourselves.
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I would love to hear from those who have been in recognition of their need to detach and have practiced detachment on what it means to you, how you did it, and how it has helped you. I've really been struggling with this idea all week knowing I need to incorporate this into my life. My steps in that direction have been to attend alanon meetings (I've been to 4 over the last 2 weeks), to explore going back to college and career planning, trying very hard not to wonder what my AH is doing when he isn't home, reading, etc.
*************************
One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love.
Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with
love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone.
Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.
That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work. Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.
We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.
Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.
For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"
My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?
Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.
Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.
Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."
Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.
Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.
In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them-and to ourselves.
*************************
I would love to hear from those who have been in recognition of their need to detach and have practiced detachment on what it means to you, how you did it, and how it has helped you. I've really been struggling with this idea all week knowing I need to incorporate this into my life. My steps in that direction have been to attend alanon meetings (I've been to 4 over the last 2 weeks), to explore going back to college and career planning, trying very hard not to wonder what my AH is doing when he isn't home, reading, etc.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
At first (3 or 4 years ago) I just walked around sort of smiling and not saying anything for a couple of days. Mrs. Hammer stopped and looked at me, and asked if something was wrong. I proudly announced "I am practicing detachment." She looked, narrowed her eyes and said -- "You are a dumbass. You should get a sponsor." Surprised me, but made me laugh.
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Now in practice, I substitute the word "Detachment" with "Distance." It follows "acceptance" and is used until "boundaries" are put in place.
Back in Army Days, I was a Combat Engineer Officer. One of my jobs was to blow things up . . . in a way that was safe for my troops and friendlies. First thing was correctly selecting and acknowledging that something needed to be blown up. Acceptance. THEN, get some Distance (distance keeps you safe). Detachment as it were. And then putting some barriers or fencing to keep everyone safe. Which are, of course, Boundaries.
Now days, I am an Electrical Engineer and work on projects into the 100's of thousands of volts. Same rules, different game. First is correctly identifying was the problem is. Acceptance. Next is Distance. At these voltage levels -- arcs can jump 10's of feet, and kill you instantly. So get away. Distance = Detachment = Safety. Next, we use fences and barriers to keep folks away. Boundaries.
Turns out I have been doing this for years, just did not know how to apply it to family life.
=======
Just mused this with Mrs. Hammer. She says I am still a dumbass.
Sounds like this could use a little detachment.
=============
Now in practice, I substitute the word "Detachment" with "Distance." It follows "acceptance" and is used until "boundaries" are put in place.
Back in Army Days, I was a Combat Engineer Officer. One of my jobs was to blow things up . . . in a way that was safe for my troops and friendlies. First thing was correctly selecting and acknowledging that something needed to be blown up. Acceptance. THEN, get some Distance (distance keeps you safe). Detachment as it were. And then putting some barriers or fencing to keep everyone safe. Which are, of course, Boundaries.
Now days, I am an Electrical Engineer and work on projects into the 100's of thousands of volts. Same rules, different game. First is correctly identifying was the problem is. Acceptance. Next is Distance. At these voltage levels -- arcs can jump 10's of feet, and kill you instantly. So get away. Distance = Detachment = Safety. Next, we use fences and barriers to keep folks away. Boundaries.
Turns out I have been doing this for years, just did not know how to apply it to family life.
=======
Just mused this with Mrs. Hammer. She says I am still a dumbass.
Sounds like this could use a little detachment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hopefully practice makes perfect, or close to perfect if there is such a thing. Thanks Hammer for the picture book of how it's done. I'll probably have to read it everyday until it's fully grasped.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Kendal, Cumbria UK
Posts: 129
Hmmm, can one detach with love but aggressively?
I started going to Al-Anon meetings four weeks ago, but have been distancing myself from my FA wife for longer than this.
I've found out that, if I receive a drunken rant, criticism or anything of the kind, just refusing to carry on doing anything she wants me to do seems to work.
For example, I was asked to take wife and stepdaughter to the airport. Last year, on the same trip, I was criticised for driving around a piece of debris, for following too close, for running a touch late, etc, etc.
This time, I made her a deal, saying (in a mild tone): "You say one word of criticism and you, daughter and luggage will be on the pavement/sidewalk in seconds."
It worked like a charm. Twenty minutes later, I received a text saying they were, "Relaxing in Burger King". For which read spending the thick end of £30 in the airport bar...I saw the credit card bill weeks later.
OK, so she hates flying - and I hate being taken for a fool.
The detachment nevertheless works to an extent.Worth adding to the armoury.
I started going to Al-Anon meetings four weeks ago, but have been distancing myself from my FA wife for longer than this.
I've found out that, if I receive a drunken rant, criticism or anything of the kind, just refusing to carry on doing anything she wants me to do seems to work.
For example, I was asked to take wife and stepdaughter to the airport. Last year, on the same trip, I was criticised for driving around a piece of debris, for following too close, for running a touch late, etc, etc.
This time, I made her a deal, saying (in a mild tone): "You say one word of criticism and you, daughter and luggage will be on the pavement/sidewalk in seconds."
It worked like a charm. Twenty minutes later, I received a text saying they were, "Relaxing in Burger King". For which read spending the thick end of £30 in the airport bar...I saw the credit card bill weeks later.
OK, so she hates flying - and I hate being taken for a fool.
The detachment nevertheless works to an extent.Worth adding to the armoury.
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