How to Support An Abused Woman
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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How to Support An Abused Woman
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Please understand that when you are talking to someone who is currently living in an abusive situation, your strong language can come across exactly the same as those hateful words of the abuser. Driving someone away because you don't understand why they stay or you want to 'shake some sense into them' is typically NOT the right answer or approach.
The following two posts are taken from stickies above, but I am reposting them here.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
Please understand that when you are talking to someone who is currently living in an abusive situation, your strong language can come across exactly the same as those hateful words of the abuser. Driving someone away because you don't understand why they stay or you want to 'shake some sense into them' is typically NOT the right answer or approach.
The following two posts are taken from stickies above, but I am reposting them here.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
Originally Posted by ICU
How To Support An Abused Woman
The following are some tips from the book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. There's a section devoted to "Dealing with your own frustrations" and "What if She Doesn't Believe She is Being Abused?" that are also very helpful. Personally, I recommend buying or borrowing the book from the library. It's an eye-opening read. On to the book......
If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind..."Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is".
The Abuser: Pressures her severely
So You Should: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow 'your' timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgement regarding when she is ready to take action - something the abuser never does.
The Abuser: Talks down to her
So You Should: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
The Abuser: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does
So You Should: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don't tell her what to do.
The Abuser: Dominates conversations
So You Should: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a 'jerk' he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.
The Abuser: Believes he has the right to control her life
So You Should: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.
The Abuser: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does
So You Should: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children postseparation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.
The Abuser: Thinks for her
So You Should: Think with her. Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.
Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, "Don't leave me, don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering her with, "Leave him, leave him," she will feel that you're much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgement of what she should do. Neither of you is asking the empowering question, "What do you want to do?"
Note from me: I'm not sure that I understand or agree with everything that is written here (like the part about the children...maybe because I don't have any), but perhaps others will get a different spin on it than I did. I always try to encourage that they contact a DV agency for the best possible support since they are trained to do that and I'm not.
And finally, please forgive the typos as I'm spell-check challenged!
The following are some tips from the book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. There's a section devoted to "Dealing with your own frustrations" and "What if She Doesn't Believe She is Being Abused?" that are also very helpful. Personally, I recommend buying or borrowing the book from the library. It's an eye-opening read. On to the book......
If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind..."Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is".
The Abuser: Pressures her severely
So You Should: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow 'your' timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgement regarding when she is ready to take action - something the abuser never does.
The Abuser: Talks down to her
So You Should: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
The Abuser: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does
So You Should: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don't tell her what to do.
The Abuser: Dominates conversations
So You Should: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a 'jerk' he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.
The Abuser: Believes he has the right to control her life
So You Should: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.
The Abuser: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does
So You Should: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children postseparation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.
The Abuser: Thinks for her
So You Should: Think with her. Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.
Notice that being the opposite of the abuser does not simply mean saying the opposite of what he says. If he beseeches her with, "Don't leave me, don't leave me," and you stand on the other side badgering her with, "Leave him, leave him," she will feel that you're much like him; you are both pressuring her to accept your judgement of what she should do. Neither of you is asking the empowering question, "What do you want to do?"
Note from me: I'm not sure that I understand or agree with everything that is written here (like the part about the children...maybe because I don't have any), but perhaps others will get a different spin on it than I did. I always try to encourage that they contact a DV agency for the best possible support since they are trained to do that and I'm not.
And finally, please forgive the typos as I'm spell-check challenged!
Last edited by Seren; 10-26-2013 at 05:51 AM.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Some additional words of wisdom I thought I would share from one of our Administrators and from one of our experienced Moderators.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
Originally Posted by Morning Glory
It is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, but remember that you cannot “rescue” them. Ultimately, the victim must make his or her own decision about whether or not to leave that relationship. But, there are some ways that you can help them find their own way to escape the abuse and become safe.
What Do You Need to Know?
The serious and painful effects of domestic violence impact the victim’s desire and ability to end their relationship. They may have been told the abuse was their fault and they may feel responsible. Even though the relationship was abusive, they will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. Because there are many complex reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships, they may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Remember that it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse.
What Can You Do?
•Don’t be afraid to tell them that you are concerned for their safety and want to help.
•Acknowledge and validate their feelings about their relationship.
•Help them recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and not their fault, and that everyone deserves a healthy non-violent relationship.
•Be supportive and listen patiently.
•Focus on the member and what they need, not on the abuser. Even if the person stays with their abusive partner, it is important that they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.
•Be respectful of their decisions.
•Encourage them to do things with other friends and family members, and to take part in activities outside the relationship.
•Connect them to resources in their community that can help give them information and guidance as they move forward.
•Help them develop a plan to end their relationship safely.
•If they break up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of them once they are single.
What Do You Need to Know?
The serious and painful effects of domestic violence impact the victim’s desire and ability to end their relationship. They may have been told the abuse was their fault and they may feel responsible. Even though the relationship was abusive, they will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. Because there are many complex reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships, they may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Remember that it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse.
What Can You Do?
•Don’t be afraid to tell them that you are concerned for their safety and want to help.
•Acknowledge and validate their feelings about their relationship.
•Help them recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and not their fault, and that everyone deserves a healthy non-violent relationship.
•Be supportive and listen patiently.
•Focus on the member and what they need, not on the abuser. Even if the person stays with their abusive partner, it is important that they still feel comfortable talking to you about it.
•Be respectful of their decisions.
•Encourage them to do things with other friends and family members, and to take part in activities outside the relationship.
•Connect them to resources in their community that can help give them information and guidance as they move forward.
•Help them develop a plan to end their relationship safely.
•If they break up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of them once they are single.
Originally Posted by Ann
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
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