CA stole my boyfriend from me!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
CA stole my boyfriend from me!
My boyfriend moved out nearly 3 weeks ago. He has been clean & sober for almost 7 months (which I am so proud of) but I feel a resentment towards the 'fellowship' for our break up.
We were together for over 5 years and they haven't been easy but I stuck by him, loved him & even introduced him to these meetings. I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, who has bonded with him no end.
Although I am grateful for his abstinence, I am devastated that, after having the strength & loyalty to stick by him through all the chaos (and there was a lot of chaos!), he would just leave me. It feels like a kick in the teeth. I am having trouble sleeping, eating (I lost about 7lbs in less than a week), doing the things I used to enjoy like going to the gym, getting up in the morning, going to work & even just trying to put a smile on my face.
I have read a lot of this happening but I just wanted to know if there's anyone out there that has actually been able to mend/rekindle their relationship? I really do love him & he says he loves me but he said that his head is 'like a bag of spammers' & I deserve better but its him that I want!
I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings but didn't feel it was for me. I also feel very uncomfortable speaking in group situations.
Is there hope for us? At the moment, I can't imagine life without him.........and I don't want to. Did things work out for anyone else?
Thank you for taking the time to read my story x
We were together for over 5 years and they haven't been easy but I stuck by him, loved him & even introduced him to these meetings. I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, who has bonded with him no end.
Although I am grateful for his abstinence, I am devastated that, after having the strength & loyalty to stick by him through all the chaos (and there was a lot of chaos!), he would just leave me. It feels like a kick in the teeth. I am having trouble sleeping, eating (I lost about 7lbs in less than a week), doing the things I used to enjoy like going to the gym, getting up in the morning, going to work & even just trying to put a smile on my face.
I have read a lot of this happening but I just wanted to know if there's anyone out there that has actually been able to mend/rekindle their relationship? I really do love him & he says he loves me but he said that his head is 'like a bag of spammers' & I deserve better but its him that I want!
I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings but didn't feel it was for me. I also feel very uncomfortable speaking in group situations.
Is there hope for us? At the moment, I can't imagine life without him.........and I don't want to. Did things work out for anyone else?
Thank you for taking the time to read my story x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
He's shown you who he is. You should believe him. He is telling you that he loves you, yet hurting you with his actions. And your daughter. That he hurt your daughter is, in my opinion, unforgivable.
Please attend Alanon again. The meetings REALLY help.
Please attend Alanon again. The meetings REALLY help.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Hello sbfoxy.
I'm glad you found the site. I'm so sorry for what you are feeling right now. It must feel devastating. I'm still with my alcoholic partner and I know that whether he is drunk or sober it makes me really uncomfortable to imagine my life without him in it.
I'm working on that.
I'm reading lots here. I'm reading Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". I've been to lots of online AlAnon meetings and I've been to my first face to face one (I didn't say much and nobody minded)
I hope that if and when the time comes that we have to part, whether its me who ends the relationship or him who decides I am coming between him and his bottle, I will be strong and independent and ready.
I hope that I can end it with good memories of the love we shared along with the resentments about all the things the disease of alcoholism has done to us.
Of course I still hope he finds recovery and that somewhere in that recovery there is a "happy ever after" for him and I. More and more I realize that is only one possible outcome and actually not the most likely. I'm trying to make me a happy healthy person with a future.
Right now your boyfriend is saying he chooses not to be there for you. You can't change what's in his head only whats in yours. Maybe he will sort himself out and come back around. Maybe he won't. Please think about ways you can make you feel better and stronger either way.
I'm glad you found the site. I'm so sorry for what you are feeling right now. It must feel devastating. I'm still with my alcoholic partner and I know that whether he is drunk or sober it makes me really uncomfortable to imagine my life without him in it.
I'm working on that.
I'm reading lots here. I'm reading Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". I've been to lots of online AlAnon meetings and I've been to my first face to face one (I didn't say much and nobody minded)
I hope that if and when the time comes that we have to part, whether its me who ends the relationship or him who decides I am coming between him and his bottle, I will be strong and independent and ready.
I hope that I can end it with good memories of the love we shared along with the resentments about all the things the disease of alcoholism has done to us.
Of course I still hope he finds recovery and that somewhere in that recovery there is a "happy ever after" for him and I. More and more I realize that is only one possible outcome and actually not the most likely. I'm trying to make me a happy healthy person with a future.
Right now your boyfriend is saying he chooses not to be there for you. You can't change what's in his head only whats in yours. Maybe he will sort himself out and come back around. Maybe he won't. Please think about ways you can make you feel better and stronger either way.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello sbfoxy, Welcome to SR!
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us! SR is a great place for support.
I hope, for your sake and for his, you will respect your boyfriend's request. Early recovery for anyone is a time when their emotions, thoughts, and feelings are all scrambled up, and it is a day-to-day fight. All if his energy, all if his time is needed for this fight. I wish him well!
I so wish that I could tell you things will work out--but I can't--no one can. I think that the best chance for you to have a happy relationship with any man in the future is for you to be happy within yourself--to be your best self. And that does not rely on him or any other man. Please make yourself at home here, read all you can about the experiences of others here. You will see your story here again and again in the stories of others.
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us! SR is a great place for support.
I hope, for your sake and for his, you will respect your boyfriend's request. Early recovery for anyone is a time when their emotions, thoughts, and feelings are all scrambled up, and it is a day-to-day fight. All if his energy, all if his time is needed for this fight. I wish him well!
I so wish that I could tell you things will work out--but I can't--no one can. I think that the best chance for you to have a happy relationship with any man in the future is for you to be happy within yourself--to be your best self. And that does not rely on him or any other man. Please make yourself at home here, read all you can about the experiences of others here. You will see your story here again and again in the stories of others.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I think what is important to remember here is, those 5 years you spent with him while he was addicted, his mind was being controlled by a drug. He was not sober, he was not functioning like a healthy normal person does. He was NOT of clear conscience.
The best you can do today is keep putting one foot in front of the other and go forward with your life. Stepping back and allowing him the dignity to address his life issues is really all you can do, his addiction is his to own, your life is yours to embrace.
Sad as it is, this is what happens when we get involved with unavailable men/women.
Active addiction prevents people from being in healthy relationships. period.
The best you can do today is keep putting one foot in front of the other and go forward with your life. Stepping back and allowing him the dignity to address his life issues is really all you can do, his addiction is his to own, your life is yours to embrace.
Sad as it is, this is what happens when we get involved with unavailable men/women.
Active addiction prevents people from being in healthy relationships. period.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by sbfoxy 
I really do love him & he says he loves me but he said that his head is 'like a bag of spammers' & I deserve better but its him that I want!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Relationship endings are painful and everything you are feeling is part of the grieving process.
The most loving thing you can do is respect his wishes and allow him to focus on his recovery.
When we are consumed with bitterness or feelings that we are owed something from them because we did X, Y or Z for them...........that's when we know it has nothing at all to do with them and everything to do with us.
Work on you and you getting healthy, give alanon a chance, maybe try some counseling.
The most loving thing you can do is respect his wishes and allow him to focus on his recovery.
When we are consumed with bitterness or feelings that we are owed something from them because we did X, Y or Z for them...........that's when we know it has nothing at all to do with them and everything to do with us.
Work on you and you getting healthy, give alanon a chance, maybe try some counseling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
i understand how you feel.
something i have told myself when angry about years invested in another is that it took x number of years for me to see who they really are. the only thing worse would be x + 1 number of years.
i understand how you feel.
something i have told myself when angry about years invested in another is that it took x number of years for me to see who they really are. the only thing worse would be x + 1 number of years.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Foxy,
I just want to let you know that you're not alone. If you click on my name, then click on "Find all threads started by LightInside," you can read about my experience (Start with the 9/20/13 post). There is a lot of pain there. I'm still very new and fresh with my grief, but I'm coming along.
There is a lot of hope here on SR when I read through other people's stories and progress.
Welcome! You are wanted here!
I just want to let you know that you're not alone. If you click on my name, then click on "Find all threads started by LightInside," you can read about my experience (Start with the 9/20/13 post). There is a lot of pain there. I'm still very new and fresh with my grief, but I'm coming along.
There is a lot of hope here on SR when I read through other people's stories and progress.
Welcome! You are wanted here!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Hi SBFoxy,
Your story is similar to mine. Mine unceremoniously dumped me after 14 months sober. (via email). That is when I found this forum. I was emotionally ripped apart. His reason was similar, he said he did not know how he felt about anything anymore. I had rage that after supporting him he could so coldly walk. It's been three months since this happened. The responses I received on this forum when it initially happened are similar to the ones you are receiving. And honestly, the responses pissed me off. I wanted outrage from people, I wanted people to feel sorry for me, I wanted AA to be condemned!!! I was really furious at everyone and everything.
Yet, I listened to their advice and set up No Contact. I had to keep my dignity, (at that point I didn't care about his). I had to keep my emotional health and heal from the five years with this man. Only two of years did I know he was drinking, he was a stealthy closet drinker. But those two years really did a harsh number on my mind set. It's amazing how quickly we make our lives all about theirs. And when he walked, well, I felt I had nothing. Uggg. It's really hard SB, I feel for you so much. And for your daughter!
Now the good news. Once I decided I was not going to go another round with him, it got better. I got into weekly therapy, I removed mementos of him from my home, blocked Facebook, etc. Also, once I started reading more about the effects of the alcoholic on friends/families I started looking more at myself and less at him. It does get better; a lot better. I promise you that.
Love/hugs
Carrie
Your story is similar to mine. Mine unceremoniously dumped me after 14 months sober. (via email). That is when I found this forum. I was emotionally ripped apart. His reason was similar, he said he did not know how he felt about anything anymore. I had rage that after supporting him he could so coldly walk. It's been three months since this happened. The responses I received on this forum when it initially happened are similar to the ones you are receiving. And honestly, the responses pissed me off. I wanted outrage from people, I wanted people to feel sorry for me, I wanted AA to be condemned!!! I was really furious at everyone and everything.
Yet, I listened to their advice and set up No Contact. I had to keep my dignity, (at that point I didn't care about his). I had to keep my emotional health and heal from the five years with this man. Only two of years did I know he was drinking, he was a stealthy closet drinker. But those two years really did a harsh number on my mind set. It's amazing how quickly we make our lives all about theirs. And when he walked, well, I felt I had nothing. Uggg. It's really hard SB, I feel for you so much. And for your daughter!
Now the good news. Once I decided I was not going to go another round with him, it got better. I got into weekly therapy, I removed mementos of him from my home, blocked Facebook, etc. Also, once I started reading more about the effects of the alcoholic on friends/families I started looking more at myself and less at him. It does get better; a lot better. I promise you that.
Love/hugs
Carrie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Yes. What nbay said. It hurt to hear all of those responses at first, but I knew they were right. It seems like there's no justice when we put up with all the BS and the A's leave us without any emotional support. That's just life, I guess, but we can't let our present sorrow be indicators for our futures. I trust people when they promise joy in our lives if we focus on ourselves. Also, we don't really know what kind of futures our exes will have. They may learn from their relationship mistakes. They may not. The saying goes, "Living well is the best revenge."
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I am an alcoholic so I am just going to give you my take on this.
In some ways he has given you a gift. I am always going to be an alcoholic and I can never promise anyone that I will never drink again. I could relapse tomorrow, a week from now, or a year from now. I could even do it 5 years from now. There is no guanantees. When we relapse we take out everyone else who is with us.
It could be too that maybe he isn't ready to commit and needs to work on himself right now too. We don't get this screwed up overnight and we don't get fixed over night either. Sometimes our baggage is more than we can even handle and we just aren't ready to add other people to the mix.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. I know it hurts.
In some ways he has given you a gift. I am always going to be an alcoholic and I can never promise anyone that I will never drink again. I could relapse tomorrow, a week from now, or a year from now. I could even do it 5 years from now. There is no guanantees. When we relapse we take out everyone else who is with us.
It could be too that maybe he isn't ready to commit and needs to work on himself right now too. We don't get this screwed up overnight and we don't get fixed over night either. Sometimes our baggage is more than we can even handle and we just aren't ready to add other people to the mix.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. I know it hurts.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by sbfoxy
My boyfriend moved out nearly 3 weeks ago. He has been clean & sober for almost 7 months (which I am so proud of) but I feel a resentment towards the 'fellowship' for our break up.
We were together for over 5 years and they haven't been easy but I stuck by him, loved him & even introduced him to these meetings. I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, who has bonded with him no end.
Although I am grateful for his abstinence, I am devastated that, after having the strength & loyalty to stick by him through all the chaos (and there was a lot of chaos!), he would just leave me. It feels like a kick in the teeth. I am having trouble sleeping, eating (I lost about 7lbs in less than a week), doing the things I used to enjoy like going to the gym, getting up in the morning, going to work & even just trying to put a smile on my face.
I have read a lot of this happening but I just wanted to know if there's anyone out there that has actually been able to mend/rekindle their relationship? I really do love him & he says he loves me but he said that his head is 'like a bag of spammers' & I deserve better but its him that I want!
I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings but didn't feel it was for me. I also feel very uncomfortable speaking in group situations.
Is there hope for us? At the moment, I can't imagine life without him.........and I don't want to. Did things work out for anyone else?
Thank you for taking the time to read my story x
We were together for over 5 years and they haven't been easy but I stuck by him, loved him & even introduced him to these meetings. I have a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, who has bonded with him no end.
Although I am grateful for his abstinence, I am devastated that, after having the strength & loyalty to stick by him through all the chaos (and there was a lot of chaos!), he would just leave me. It feels like a kick in the teeth. I am having trouble sleeping, eating (I lost about 7lbs in less than a week), doing the things I used to enjoy like going to the gym, getting up in the morning, going to work & even just trying to put a smile on my face.
I have read a lot of this happening but I just wanted to know if there's anyone out there that has actually been able to mend/rekindle their relationship? I really do love him & he says he loves me but he said that his head is 'like a bag of spammers' & I deserve better but its him that I want!
I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings but didn't feel it was for me. I also feel very uncomfortable speaking in group situations.
Is there hope for us? At the moment, I can't imagine life without him.........and I don't want to. Did things work out for anyone else?
Thank you for taking the time to read my story x
I can't tell you what to do as far as wanting to rekindle with him, or move on from him, etc.
So I will just ask you something that was a question I have asked myself:
Do you really want HIM, or do you just want a close, loving relationship?
I enjoy being in a (healthy) relationship. I enjoy living with a partner. I like cooking for them. I like....insert a bunch of things I enjoy doing with a partner.
I'm still married at the moment, but I am having so many realizations that the sadness I felt was fleeting....now I feel.....oddly enough.....empowered. Empowered because I see it for what it is: lie after lie. And it is much easier to look forward to one day feeling content than it is to dwell on feeling sad or hurt.
He doesn't dwell on the pain he has caused me; and I don't want to, either.
I'm not saying every moment of my current life is care free and happy and positive - we had a lovely argument earlier, there are times I get sad for a moment, there are times I feel impatient, times I'm mad at myself for allowing myself to be in the position I'm in, etc - but I'm in a good place mentally where I feel strong and aware.
Asking yourself the above question might reveal something helpful to you.
I hope things work out for your peace and happiness no matter what path you end up taking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by nbay2013
Hi SBFoxy,
Your story is similar to mine. Mine unceremoniously dumped me after 14 months sober. (via email). That is when I found this forum. I was emotionally ripped apart. His reason was similar, he said he did not know how he felt about anything anymore. I had rage that after supporting him he could so coldly walk. It's been three months since this happened. The responses I received on this forum when it initially happened are similar to the ones you are receiving. And honestly, the responses pissed me off. I wanted outrage from people, I wanted people to feel sorry for me, I wanted AA to be condemned!!! I was really furious at everyone and everything.
Yet, I listened to their advice and set up No Contact. I had to keep my dignity, (at that point I didn't care about his). I had to keep my emotional health and heal from the five years with this man. Only two of years did I know he was drinking, he was a stealthy closet drinker. But those two years really did a harsh number on my mind set. It's amazing how quickly we make our lives all about theirs. And when he walked, well, I felt I had nothing. Uggg. It's really hard SB, I feel for you so much. And for your daughter!
Now the good news. Once I decided I was not going to go another round with him, it got better. I got into weekly therapy, I removed mementos of him from my home, blocked Facebook, etc. Also, once I started reading more about the effects of the alcoholic on friends/families I started looking more at myself and less at him. It does get better; a lot better. I promise you that.
Love/hugs
Carrie
Your story is similar to mine. Mine unceremoniously dumped me after 14 months sober. (via email). That is when I found this forum. I was emotionally ripped apart. His reason was similar, he said he did not know how he felt about anything anymore. I had rage that after supporting him he could so coldly walk. It's been three months since this happened. The responses I received on this forum when it initially happened are similar to the ones you are receiving. And honestly, the responses pissed me off. I wanted outrage from people, I wanted people to feel sorry for me, I wanted AA to be condemned!!! I was really furious at everyone and everything.
Yet, I listened to their advice and set up No Contact. I had to keep my dignity, (at that point I didn't care about his). I had to keep my emotional health and heal from the five years with this man. Only two of years did I know he was drinking, he was a stealthy closet drinker. But those two years really did a harsh number on my mind set. It's amazing how quickly we make our lives all about theirs. And when he walked, well, I felt I had nothing. Uggg. It's really hard SB, I feel for you so much. And for your daughter!
Now the good news. Once I decided I was not going to go another round with him, it got better. I got into weekly therapy, I removed mementos of him from my home, blocked Facebook, etc. Also, once I started reading more about the effects of the alcoholic on friends/families I started looking more at myself and less at him. It does get better; a lot better. I promise you that.
Love/hugs
Carrie
I can relate to you and Carrie's post, as someone who's XA walked away from the relationship. My XABF vanished without a word, text, or email one day, coincidentally after his addiction became very obvious to me, and he became vulnerable. And while this experience is a bit different from yours, I think the pain of losing someone because of the addiction is very similar...
I found this forum right after my XA went AWOL 4 months ago, and it has helped tremendously. Before he left, he became very defensive and down-right mean, with put-downs and calling me "naive," etc. After I found SR, I was able to see that the hurt he made me feel wasn't because of anything *I* did, it was because of his problems. I hope that, if not now then with time, you are able to see the same thing. I can't remember who, but someone here posted something like "We forget that the way people treat us is often more about 'them' than 'us," or anything we did. Trying to remember these words has helped me a great deal these past 4 months.
I agree 100% with everyone that NC is crucial. It was SO hard for me to do, especially the first month. And as Carrie said, it does get better. I promise that, too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by sbfoxy
I am having trouble sleeping, eating (I lost about 7lbs in less than a week), doing the things I used to enjoy like going to the gym, getting up in the morning, going to work & even just trying to put a smile on :
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
Thank you everyone for your kind words of encouragement. I hate myself for feeling so weak.
In reply to OnawaMiniya, that is a good question and the more I think about it, maybe its not HIM that I want. Maybe it IS just the companionship, affection & a loving close relationship because I think a big part of my hurt & sadness, at the moment, is loneliness!
It is reassuring to learn that I am not alone in the way I am feeling and to hear that there is another way or even a better way. It just seems so hard to believe/see right now. Some mornings I wake up positive but others, I just start to cry as soon as I open my eyes. Like this morning, I was having a wonderful dream that I woke up and breakfast was on the go, I had a full happy house, my Mum was here......................then I wake up to realise that no-one is here, my daughter is at her Grandparent's house & I'm all alone!
One thing I know for sure though, is that I will keep coming back here as I look forward to the support I feel from everyone here. I said to my XABF the other day that its easier for him as he has this programme in his life, a good support group & guidance whilst I am left alone, not knowing what to do or where to start.
Sometimes I wish I had a 'forward' button that I could press forward to happier times.
xx
In reply to OnawaMiniya, that is a good question and the more I think about it, maybe its not HIM that I want. Maybe it IS just the companionship, affection & a loving close relationship because I think a big part of my hurt & sadness, at the moment, is loneliness!
It is reassuring to learn that I am not alone in the way I am feeling and to hear that there is another way or even a better way. It just seems so hard to believe/see right now. Some mornings I wake up positive but others, I just start to cry as soon as I open my eyes. Like this morning, I was having a wonderful dream that I woke up and breakfast was on the go, I had a full happy house, my Mum was here......................then I wake up to realise that no-one is here, my daughter is at her Grandparent's house & I'm all alone!
One thing I know for sure though, is that I will keep coming back here as I look forward to the support I feel from everyone here. I said to my XABF the other day that its easier for him as he has this programme in his life, a good support group & guidance whilst I am left alone, not knowing what to do or where to start.
Sometimes I wish I had a 'forward' button that I could press forward to happier times.
xx
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by sbfoxy
One thing I know for sure though, is that I will keep coming back here as I look forward to the support I feel from everyone here. I said to my XABF the other day that its easier for him as he has this programme in his life, a good support group & guidance whilst I am left alone, not knowing what to do or where to start.
The people here in the family forum are great. You will get lots of support. I come to this part of the forum because it reminds me of the person I don't want to be.
We leave behind a big mess with our addictions. We are selfish when we are engaged in it and then we are selfish in recovery. We get tons of support offered to us and sometimes the family gets left behind. This really is a family disease that is for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Life is definitely tough. Living with an active A is unhealthy, and if they are one of the few that actually recovers, then they may be a different person who no longer fits with us or needs complete focus and time to work on themselves.
So many unknowns...we need to learn to trust ourselves again, trust that we can move forward the best we can no matter what life throws at us. What will you do once the storm clears? What will you do once you can truly focus on yourself?
Wishing you peace.
So many unknowns...we need to learn to trust ourselves again, trust that we can move forward the best we can no matter what life throws at us. What will you do once the storm clears? What will you do once you can truly focus on yourself?
Wishing you peace.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
