jlp02005

With the harshness, the name calling, the belittling of feelings, the emotional vacancy, the lack of intimacy, the frustrated treatment while they delve into their liquid worlds of delusion??????? I am having such a hard time coping....I'm nearing the end of my rope. I have lost my own identity while trying to eggshell walk thru day to day life. I am so glad I found this site....

FireSprite

I'll be honest with you - I have NO clue how so many posters here manage to live with active alcoholism while raising children, holding down jobs, etc. (I have mad respect for every single one of you!) RAH & I were separated during a large chunk of his worst drinking days so while I had my share of quacking & fighting & BS, I had a lot of distance from it at times too.

I do know that in my darkest, most desperate times, coming here & reading & learning from posts & blogs was a Godsend. For me, stuff like yoga, reiki, acupuncture & other kinds of self-care made a huge difference in my stress level & helped me physically & mentally.

jlp02005

Thanks. Good suggestions. I'm sorry you had to cope with so much. It IS hard. Tonight, he said I was "cheap as a 3 dollar bum" (whatever that is)...the other night, I was a pathetic, whiny B-word...So I have at least graduated from being simply a dumb b-word. I would just go to another room and pray, pray, pray...but, at this point, I am losing faith. Also, I'm a drama queen, because I have cancer. According to him, anyway. Just venting...getting it all out, I am. And thanks, in advance to anyone who takes the time to read snd comment on this.

Ruby2

Hang in there. I cope with the name calling and belittling and the minimizing of emotions by knowing deep down that I am not a bad person, that it is the "ism" talking to me and that the other person is sick. It doesn't excuse the behavior in the least. But it helps me not react to it. If I bring up a legitimate concern I get crap answers and grief.

Last night my AH went on a tirade about how unappreciative I am, have always been and in general what a horrible, terrible and selfish person I am. How much HE has done for me and I can't even say thank you for his efforts. The fact That our finances are supremely precarious despite a very good living because of his alcoholism/addiction, nah! That doesn't count. He cleaned the basement months ago but I did't thank him. He didn't really clean it and i did not want him to move all my carefully stored things from the basement into a disorganized heap in the garage so i did not thank him for that.

He was a stay at home dad until recently but the fact the house is messy and dirty? That is why he doesn't help out because I did not appreciate what he has done and now I can pay the price, see what he was doing for us all the time. He didn't clean it while he was a stay at home dad either but hey, who is paying attention?

I am sharing these as examples of how ridiculous some of these accusations really are. There is a purpose behind them all. Why was my husband on such a tirade? He wanted an excuse to fling himself out the door and go drink and get high. Which he did but not until texting me some more choice gems. And then telling me he needed twenty dollars.

It was at that point I rolled over and fell asleep after reading but not responding to that text.

All the crap is a distraction and a means to their end of getting intoxicated. I don't know if you are old enough to remember the old Bose speaker ads in magazines but it was a picture of a cool looking guy sitting in a low leather armchair in front of a speaker. The waves of sound rushing over him, slightly ruffling his hair. I saw me in that chair last night, the idiocy slightly ruffling my hair but not the rest of me. It is gaming. I felt powerful last night in choosing not to react to silly stuff.

FireSprite

Eventually I got to a point where I could see that all that name-calling & finger pointing was what he was really feeling inside about himself, but that he externalized it all on me because he couldn't face himself. Plus, it HAD to be me - that justified his next binge well ahead of time. It took me a long time to get to that realization, but then I could "hear" it differently when he went "off".

jlp02005

OMGoodness, Ruby!!!! We simply MUST be married to the same man! lol I get that exact same speech...ALL THE TIME!!! Or, at least 3-5 nights a week. Yes, I remember the commercial (I am in my early 50's). I am going to try that imagery. My problem is, I have to learn to deflect. I am getting better, however. I always feel a need to defend myself....but I am slowly learning that what you said is correct....that they are really externalizing what they feel about themselves. Another great tip! Thanks!

jlp02005

Firesprite....You made me realize my own suspicions. That his name calling of me was actually a self image problem. I thank you for the validation of that. you know, I have learned some really god tips here. I'm so glad I joined.

jlp02005

Fortunately, we have no children in the home. I guess that's the only blessing. He drinks daily. Comes home from work armed with 2 forty oz beers and a 24 oz beer. which he drinks and usually drives (yes...DRIVES) back to the store to get another 40 oz. That's his daily beer consumption. He is still functional at this point with his work. I don't know how.

CarryOn

I've heard the same thing about the projection of their own negative feelings about themselves...it does help explain a lot.

What did I do to cope..

• Left the room & sometimes the house
• started individual counseling
• called a friend or family member
• refused to engage when he was drinking
• eventually started going to AlAnon

My RAH didn't do many of the things others here have dealt with, and for that I am thankful (and have so much respect for the strength so many have shown to deal with it). Regardless, the key seems to be to take the focus off the A and put it back on yourself. I hope this helps!

Ruby2

Until I started on here a lot, I always always needed to rationalize and defend myself. All it did was waste my breath. After the tirade last night my AH flounced onto the back porch and asked me what I had to say to his entire tirade. I started to say "I heard you but..." And that was when he ran out to drink. The second he heard the "but" as I tried to insert me opinion he was out the door. He did not want to hear anything but me groveling. Admitting he was right all along and that I was a total screw up.

You see, I can't do anything without him. I am always wrong. I was going to text him in the middle of all this madness that from now on, I would model my life after his example but I erased that since I really do not. Never seeing the kids since even if they are awake when he gets home he hides in our bedroom until he runs out the door. Not coming home until the wee hous of the morning. Not getting up to get the kids to school. Nah.. Not for me.

Sorry you are married to the same guy. It is very hard. I have built up a thick ski over almost 9 years of marriage. Always thought it was me. I have low self esteem. But have slowly learned that I am actually not a bad person. Takes practice.

You are not much older than me. I will be 49 but have little kids. Late bloomer. Stay on here! I am pretty new here.

jlp02005

Thank you for sharing CarryOn. I see you mentioned AlAnon. I was actually just watching some podcasts on youtube that they have up. I'm finding them interesting. Do you find it has helped you? I'm not sure we have one in our area (remote)...but I'm going to look into that. Best wishes to you.

jlp02005

You have so much on your plate, Ruby2. I can imagine how stressful that must be. The leaving and staying out, I've not had to deal with....however, I must say, I have wished sometimes he WOULD leave. I have to say, you're a strong woman with all you are managing. I'm glad this site is here...and I plan to stick around. It's great meeting you all on here...and I've never had anyone I could vent all this too. I've held it inside for nearly 3 yrs....and I'm just about ready to burst.

CarryOn

You're welcome. Yes, I do find AlAnon helpful. It is good to enter a room where everyone is dealing with the effects of this disease so they understand in a way that no one else does. It took me a few meetings to find one where I was comfortable. I love that it is a safe place to cry, to laugh at the craziness in our lives (past or current), and I especially love the wisdom gained in those rooms. I have a couple of "old timers" in my home meeting, and I learn a new way to apply a slogan or view a situation every meeting.

I have also found that I so appreciate that there is a program available to help with our issues. I think of all the problems I see in the lives of the people around me (my occupation makes me something of a sounding board for peoples' problems), and I see that a 12-step program could help with almost everything. I find great opportunities to practice my program in the most unexpected places.

I know there are some on-line and phone meetings if you are unable to find a good meeting close by. Also, check your local papers/bulletin boards/etc. We have a couples 12-step in my area that cannot be publicized with AA or AlAnon because it includes people from both, but they do post the meeting in the paper, so you may find something applicable that is not exactly AlAnon. I also know HoneyPig has a 12-step group she likes that is not just for families of A's...she has written about it a number of times if you see her posts.

jlp02005

He is so controlling of what I do, I don't know that I'd be able to attend a physical meeting. He'd be outraged simply knowing I was on here. I can hear him now..Screaming that I'm a drama queen and a few other choice words, should he know. He'd then fire accusations that I am out to meet some guy (either online or a meeting) because I'm just a s-word like all women. There is no basis for him calling me that. I've never been unfaithful, however, he can NOT say the same. I have to be lowkey on anything I do that may be beneficial to my emotional health. I'm glad you mentioned that there are some meetings online. I may be able to pull that off once he's passed out in his nightly drunken stupor. Isn't it a shame that a 50+ yr old woman has become so controlled that she feels like a child? He actually told me tonight to go back t bed where I was because I was just making him mad (he used more choice words, tho) When he does this, should I just doit? Should I make a stand? I'm a little confused on setting boundaries with someone that has a violent potential as he does.

Ruby2

Jlp, don't burst! Just had a mental picture. We have ALL been there. Yah, my husband is a jerk. And I guess my plate is full. Have not thought of it that way for a long time. I do what I need to do.

Never thought I would have kids and here I am with two on the threshold of 50 - 8 and 5. I posted to idaley's thread that I did not want to spend my golden years with this crap and you know, I am preparing myself for the better life.

I am having a very nice time tonight with the posting. Thanks! We will get through this.

jlp02005

Ruby2, yes...golden years and a better life. This isn't quite hat I had planed, myself. I will probably leave in the not too distant future. I am currently moving forward and taking steps for an online degree. I am currently disabled and recently finished radiation and chemo...BUT, I am getting stronger (physically) and when I am, it's adios to him. I would be supportive if he were able to see a problem or want help or something...any kind of sign, but he does not. He's flat out said, many many times he won't stop. I can't change him...but I can change me...and my willingness to continue to lose myself...and my mind.

CarryOn

Do you have any opportunity when you are alone that you could get to a meeting? Or is there something you can use as a cover - a meeting at church or a program at the library? I prefer honesty, but this may be a necessary exception. Here's the link for the on-line meetings through AlAnon. Keep reading & posting here too - there is so much great stuff to read and the people are so helpful. The good part about the live meetings are the face to face contact. A lot of us living with A's are very isolated. One of the things my counselor has me working on these days is getting a life...my close friends are all at least an hour away now & have kids that they are focused on.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings

Your intuition will be the best to tell you when the right time to take a stand is. I'm concerned for you with his violent potential. There are many here that are much better at giving ES&H for abusive situations. I'm better with detaching and boundaries.

Detaching is hard to explain, but once you start to practice some of the ideas it becomes easier. Be responsible for yourself while allowing others to be responsible for themselves. Do not let the actions of others effect your actions/feelings/etc. When I first started with this I would ask myself "am I responsible for this?" If not, I made a conscious decision not to get involved or engage. This is also where you stop preventing the A from seeing the consequences of their actions - don't wake them if they miss their alarm, don't help them to bed when they pass out on the couch (but maybe throw a blanket over them), don't clean up their messes, etc. I also found that thinking of the Three C's helps. One of my old timers also talks about detaching from your past behaviors that enable the A - learn to do something different. He often recommends reading about the Merry Go Round of addiction to help recognize your behavior in the cycle.

Boundaries...to me, this is like a personal security system. It is for my protection, I can tell someone it is there but I do not have to, and I have the ability to change it if I feel it is necessary. Some of my boundaries when RAH was drinking were that I would not ride in the car with someone that has been drinking - instead I will find another ride or drive myself; I would not talk with RAH when he had more than four beers...that is when his irritation took over from his happiness and arguments started; I would not initiate conversations about recovery or our relationship because I would end up hurt or upset. I don't need the first two for dealing with RAH now, and I have revoked the third one now that he has stopped drinking. The key with boundaries is to keep the focus on yourself & what you can enforce either through your own action or inaction.

I'm sure if you keep looking through you will find some good threads on detachment & boundaries.

Ruby2

Jlp, I am glad that you are getting physically stronger. That must stink to have to deal with chemo. And your husband. All the dreams in the world. And then you get mixed up with an insanely sick person.

I used to travel. And love to travel. We have not been on a vacation in years. All the extra money that we should have had is all spent.

Dream big.

jlp02005

I am such a different person these days. Withdrawn. Isolated. We have just moved to this area. I don't go out of my way to meet people here. I don't want anyone to "know". I guess I am ashamed. Ashamed of him. Ashamed of myself. Ashamed of myself for being with him. Scared. I don't know. There's a lot going on inside this brain. Too much, I guess.

Ruby2, a vacation sounds fab. One day. Do you still find things to do that you enjoy since you haven't been on a vacation? Don't be like me and lose interest in everything. I used to be fun. AND have loads of interests. Now I don't even know that person I see in the mirror.

CarryOn, there are times of rage that I DO become fearful. He has choked me a couple of times but never punched or hit me. It is because of that, I know he just may one day. It would be great to find a church with meetings...and then church could be my alibi. I don't like lying and have a difficult time doing so, so I totally understand why honesty is so important. I am definitely going to look thru the threads in reference to boundaries and detachment. Detachment. I like that word. Just hearing it and seeing it makes me feel like a weight has lifted!

Ruby2

Do not be ashamed of yourself at all. I have found ways of escape beyond vacations but not as satisfactory. I used to be the fearless traveller. I am now a shell of that person.

I will drive a road not taken. I read the travel section, cooking magazine articles on traveling. I drive through areas of my city that most avoid and see really cool things. Not good enough. Armchair road warrior. And it pisses me off.

Because I used to be strong. I used to be independent. But I have for too long listened to that belittling abusive voice that I cannot do it and have not had the money due to profligate waste to venture beyond city limits. I used to be a pretty cool person.

I used to regularly road trip from Minnesota to Chicago on my own without a blink. I drove to Arizona from Iowa to get my brother from school. I flew to England on my own and navigated the tube system and then walked to my cousin's house in london without much direction. Been there five times, LOVE it. Been to china and walked the streets myself for a bit. Went to the Florida keys by myself for a week. I went to Hawaii for a week came back for two days and flew to South Carolina for work. A lifetime of experience but at the wrong time. I want to experience it with my kids. My passport has long expired and I won’t waste the money to renew it now.

With England and china I can send the kids with relatives. Sister inlaw is Chinese and her family still there, but I want to go. I am SO itching it hurts. I only go beyond state lines now to Indiana to visit my grandfather, an hour away

My SOB AH ensures that we cannot afford a trip to the bathroom let alone a vacation..