OK...my situation...needing help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
OK...my situation...needing help
I feel really guilty as I have no time to read everyone else's post and offer support right now. I'm in crisis mode and searching for answers.
I know I shouldn't have done it but I had a talk last night with my SO. I am a worry wart...always have been and always will be. So living wiht an A is a bit of a nerve wracking affair for me. I am not sure my A understands this. I love him dearly and I will tell you that his drinking rarely interferes with our life. Maybe that isn't true...I don't know...maybe it interferes more than I realize. He certainly doesn't feel that it interferes wtih our life at all. He keeps a job, he doesn't beat me, he doesn't get mean, he works around the house, he isn't out at bars, he's at home with me, etc.
Sometimes I feel that our world revolves around beer. We only will eat at restaurants where they serve beer...even for lunch...no Wendy's, etc. I feel like on weekends he can hardly wait until noon. And when we go to his son's races, he has to take a cooler becuase he can't wait to get home to have a beer. He drinks on the way home from work. But in his mind, he isn't addicted. I think he is. I am very worried that his drinking will ruin his life and mine and thus my children.
Saturday we (SO, me and his 22 YO son) went to a party. He and his son both drank way too much. I had 1/2 a margarita. Someone had to drive home...it's always me. He didn't embarass me at the party. It was a weird party any way....very low key and a bit depressing...long story. Anyway, we left fairly early. But they were pretty drunk by then and drank on the way home and after we got home. SO passed out in his clothes. I removed his shoes. He did the rest about an hour or two later. I got no sleep. He was up and down all night. He was talking in his sleep...just nonsense stuff. He was pretty upset. It was frightening to me and I laid awake most of the night.
Plus I was upsest that son drank. He is awaiting trial for his 2nd DUI and had been abstaining. I asked if the party would be a problem and was told no. I guess I should have clarified what that meant. These two guys do not know what it is like to be around two drunken men every weekend. I don't like it. It isn't enjoyable. They are much more fun when they are sober. They get moody.
We also talked about other aspects of our relationship. We are having some trouble with my children disrespecting my SO. And some minor value differences but those are workable. But SO asked me to keep the drinking out of the convo. It isn't up for discussion. Why is that? Why can't I express how I feel when he drinks? Am I just supposed to accept it or move on? My SO is a very reasonable and intelligent man and very caring. I love him. But, why must I put up with something that makes me unhappy? Why can't I even talk about it? Why is it a taboo subject? Why do I not have the right to be afraid?
I'm confused. I dont want to lose this man but I am tired of he and his son drinking every weekend until their minds are dulled. It isn't my idea of fun.
I know I shouldn't have done it but I had a talk last night with my SO. I am a worry wart...always have been and always will be. So living wiht an A is a bit of a nerve wracking affair for me. I am not sure my A understands this. I love him dearly and I will tell you that his drinking rarely interferes with our life. Maybe that isn't true...I don't know...maybe it interferes more than I realize. He certainly doesn't feel that it interferes wtih our life at all. He keeps a job, he doesn't beat me, he doesn't get mean, he works around the house, he isn't out at bars, he's at home with me, etc.
Sometimes I feel that our world revolves around beer. We only will eat at restaurants where they serve beer...even for lunch...no Wendy's, etc. I feel like on weekends he can hardly wait until noon. And when we go to his son's races, he has to take a cooler becuase he can't wait to get home to have a beer. He drinks on the way home from work. But in his mind, he isn't addicted. I think he is. I am very worried that his drinking will ruin his life and mine and thus my children.
Saturday we (SO, me and his 22 YO son) went to a party. He and his son both drank way too much. I had 1/2 a margarita. Someone had to drive home...it's always me. He didn't embarass me at the party. It was a weird party any way....very low key and a bit depressing...long story. Anyway, we left fairly early. But they were pretty drunk by then and drank on the way home and after we got home. SO passed out in his clothes. I removed his shoes. He did the rest about an hour or two later. I got no sleep. He was up and down all night. He was talking in his sleep...just nonsense stuff. He was pretty upset. It was frightening to me and I laid awake most of the night.
Plus I was upsest that son drank. He is awaiting trial for his 2nd DUI and had been abstaining. I asked if the party would be a problem and was told no. I guess I should have clarified what that meant. These two guys do not know what it is like to be around two drunken men every weekend. I don't like it. It isn't enjoyable. They are much more fun when they are sober. They get moody.
We also talked about other aspects of our relationship. We are having some trouble with my children disrespecting my SO. And some minor value differences but those are workable. But SO asked me to keep the drinking out of the convo. It isn't up for discussion. Why is that? Why can't I express how I feel when he drinks? Am I just supposed to accept it or move on? My SO is a very reasonable and intelligent man and very caring. I love him. But, why must I put up with something that makes me unhappy? Why can't I even talk about it? Why is it a taboo subject? Why do I not have the right to be afraid?
I'm confused. I dont want to lose this man but I am tired of he and his son drinking every weekend until their minds are dulled. It isn't my idea of fun.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
wow... you are under a whole lot of issues.
blending families is never easy, when one of the parents is an A.. its super super hard. the best advice i can give to you is that you need to find out how old he was when he started drinking. because i was told that the emotional and mental maturity of an A is arrested about the same age they started drinking. that is why my A always acted like he was 16. just as irrational, just as immature, just as eager to blame.
alanon is for us, to find the healthy us, buried under all the BS. dont try to tackle everything at once. you can only change you, you can only save you, you can only improve you.
remember, you didnt cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it.
good luck, on the personal side, i would listen to your kids, if they have a crisis with him or difference of reasoning with him, its usually thru the voice of kids that you hear the clearest truth. my daughter was the one who looked at me once and said, you told me never to let a man treat me like he treats you. it hit home like a ton of bricks.
blending families is never easy, when one of the parents is an A.. its super super hard. the best advice i can give to you is that you need to find out how old he was when he started drinking. because i was told that the emotional and mental maturity of an A is arrested about the same age they started drinking. that is why my A always acted like he was 16. just as irrational, just as immature, just as eager to blame.
alanon is for us, to find the healthy us, buried under all the BS. dont try to tackle everything at once. you can only change you, you can only save you, you can only improve you.
remember, you didnt cause it, you cant control it, and you cant cure it.
good luck, on the personal side, i would listen to your kids, if they have a crisis with him or difference of reasoning with him, its usually thru the voice of kids that you hear the clearest truth. my daughter was the one who looked at me once and said, you told me never to let a man treat me like he treats you. it hit home like a ton of bricks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
I'm guessing he doesn't want to talk about it because he's in denial about his drinking be a problem. Refusing to allow you to express your feelings is pretty childish though. I'm picturing a four-year-old with his fingers in his ears singing, "I can't hear you."
You can't make either of them stop drinking, no matter what you say.
You can set boundaries about what activities you will and will not participate in.
You can find other things to do then hang out with them while they drink.
And quit feeling guilty for not having the time to read other posts.
It is okay (and suggested) that you come here looking for the help that you need when you need it.
That's what we're here for.
Hugs,
Gabe
You can't make either of them stop drinking, no matter what you say.
You can set boundaries about what activities you will and will not participate in.
You can find other things to do then hang out with them while they drink.
And quit feeling guilty for not having the time to read other posts.
It is okay (and suggested) that you come here looking for the help that you need when you need it.
That's what we're here for.
Hugs,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
Nightowl, I can sympathize with you. My SO works hard every day, keeps the grass cut, hands me his paycheck every Thursday, doesn't go to bars, isn't mean, etc. Also like your SO, he starts his drinking on his way home from work. He doesn't drive so his brother picks him up and brings him home every day. I cringe every time I hear that pop top open. Everything revolves around beer. It's so disgusting. The smell, the walk, the red eyes. Only we NEVER talk about it. He absolutely will not talk about it with me. I have stopped even trying. What's the use. I'm finally learning that it's not my problem. Besides I always have my computer and you guys. Barbara 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: FA, WI
Posts: 18
I sympathize and wonder about your future. Will it be like mine. I've been married 19 years and my hubby doesn't go to bars, works hard every day, wasn't mean (for about 18 years) but it appears we are in a new stage. I believe the alcohol is now making him anxious and he thinks it's something else. He doesn't deal well with anxiety. It appears he's moved onto a new stage (occasionally showing anger). If he doesn't make changes it appears this will continue to progress. I know I need to set boundaries for this behavior.
Best wishes and hugs,
Terry
Best wishes and hugs,
Terry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Luv, I take it your AH has no license?? I honestly am not sure my SO does either. I think he may be driving without one but just won't tell me. I don't know how many DUI's he's gotten. He works with a man who has gotten EIGHT! Is that possible?? My SO drives with a beer in his hand constantly. It is soooooo nerve wracking....my nerves are shot.
Terry, that is what scares me. I read that alcoholism is a progressive disease.......so what is the next phase for him?? I am not sure I want to know what is down the road.
ON the other hand, two of his uncles and his own father quit cold turkey and haven't drank for years.
Terry, that is what scares me. I read that alcoholism is a progressive disease.......so what is the next phase for him?? I am not sure I want to know what is down the road.
ON the other hand, two of his uncles and his own father quit cold turkey and haven't drank for years.
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