Sunshine Song

Hi eveyone! My heart and my mind are in such a constent fight these days I don't know if I should laugh or cry!! I know no one can give me the answers to my life but I'M SO LOST!!

It all started last night when my mother sat me down to give me a talk about my life (I recentaly moved back home to aid my debt reduction). She said she would never try to encourage me to break up with my A but she see's me following her foot steps (falling in love with an A) and really wished I wouldn't. Of course she's right but I can't let her know that Since my A started drinking I fought with myself to stay or leave. Now that he's sober (living in another state) everything should be perfect right...wrong!! I still am fighting the same stay or leave battle. All the trust I thought I'd regain for him still isn't there (like I thought he'd been drinking last weekend but I couldn't see his eyes so I really didn't know FOR SURE). Now he wants everything to be perfect between us. He's so much better at comunication between us and it is wonderful. However, I'm so scared that what if he relapses (I won't/can't (mentally) tolorate a relapse). It is cruel to say but menatally I really don't think I can. Then I think to myself why am I staying in this realtionship if thats what I'm waiting for. I'm not even giving him a chance I get so mad at myself for thinking that but I can't help it. I'm so happy he's sober and working a really stronge program but I walk on egg shells around him. What if something I say sets him off?!?! I don't know...I know I need meetings and I know I deserve the best (we all do). I just don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore. I'm so confused and hurt!! I'm gonna go to a meeting Saturday & Sunday...I hope this helps!! Also, I'm gonna buy Codependent No More. Sorry for my rambling. I just needed to vent!! I'm going home to run...everyone have a great night. You'll all be in my thoughts and prayers tonight!!

smoke gets in my eyes

Hiya Sunshine!

The possibility of relapse is real and always present. You are not wrong to be keeping your eyes open. Giving someone a chance is not the same as trusting blindly. If he is really working a strong program, he is learning that it takes longer to rebuild trust than it does to destroy it, just as you are.
You really haven't had a lot of time to heal. Trying to make a decision about the future of this relationship might be a hasty thing at the moment. Perhaps you could consider it "on hold" while you both work your programs for awhile. You don't have to decide this minute. And JT has said before, that you can decide to stay one day at a time. (I just love that!)

Hugs,
Smoke

Ann

Sounds like you are taking some positive steps to strenthen your recovery. Meetings, reading "Codependent No More". You will think Melody Beattie has been spying on you, this book is so on the mark.

I would take my time, you have no reason to rush and I wouldn't make any decisions one way or the other until you feel that your decision is based on healthy thinking and that your recovery is strong and in place enough for you to handle any disappointments. I know I make my worst decisions when I am emotional or weak, and I have learned a lot from that.

Hugs

Sunshine Song

Thank you for your reply and your kind words. I know I can't make any sudden drastic changes but I just feel so trapped!! I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Oh ya smoke, I tried the "on hold" theroy but all I got from that is a lot of screaming about me only wanting to f*%$# other men. That's the nice version of what came out of his mouth! Thanks for always listening!!

Ann

Sunshine

I re-read your post. You said you were not sure if he drank last weekend, but later think he is working a good program. I know you are confused, but the way he spoke to you about "on hold' tells me that if he hasn't already relapsed he will. The relapse starts long before they "pick-up' and that is definitely relapse behaviour. Or if it is his behaviour while working a good program, well I never heard of that program.

I think you are torn between the person he used to be or that you wish he were and the person that he is right now.

You know I care about you, but I have to be honest here - I think it would be a big mistake to think of going back to him right now. This is not a nice man, and you do not deserve to be spoken to like that. If you think you are unhappy now, think of the unhappy times you had when he was around. You are doing so well in your recovery. It is not always a picnic, but it truly does get better and better.

Hugs

Sunshine Song

Hi anns,
I'm so glad you like to stay up at night I can't be sure that he drank this past weekend but something in his behavior told me he did. And in his old days I have never guessed (or supected) and been wrong! Part of me is so upset at him right now because while I'm stuck here working two jobs, going to school, he's golfing, laying out everyday and playing around (becuase he says receovery is hard). HELLO HELP WITH THE BILLS YOU CREATED!! is what I want to scream every minute of everyday. I know receovery is hard and I know he needs to make his life as stress free as possible but why do I get stuck with the mop and dirty bucket?
I say he's working a strong program because he goes to a meeting almost every night. But his jealously has not dissapeared. I'm always accused of having "boys" on the side. I say, "if I was goign to cheat I would've done it long ago!" I don't know. I love him...I really do. And I know he means well I just don't know if I can live a life knowing I can't have ANY male friends in my life, continally have to account for every moment of my life...where did I go wrong?!?!?

Ann

Hi again

I know that when my son first got a fair bit of recovery time under his belt, some of his personality problems that I had blamed on the drug use were still there. I always blamed the drugs for his bad behaviour.

When he got off the drugs, he had to learn new behaviours and that did not come easy to him. He had been dishones for so long, that he really did not know how to live life honestly. He had many past issues to deal with and until he did the past behaviour stayed with him.

He has relapsed many times, and has now been clean for 3 months. You know what my biggest issue and boundary is with him - honesty. He still has told me things that I know were not true. And twice, when I could prove it (the proof dropped in my lap, I didn't even have to go looking for it) and I tried to "discuss" it with him in a calm, rational way, he flipped out and didn't talk to me for almost a week. And that is okay with me. I will not co-sign his bull****.

My point is that your A is a very sick man, whether he is using or not. The way he treats you is abusive. He would probably prefer that you had no friends, because that way he would be your only emotional attachment and you would have no means of emotional support. Don't do it. You sound like a terrific person with so much going for you. Don't let him mentally beat you down, or make you walk on eggshells for fear of stressing him out so that he might relapse donchaknow.

All that stuff is HIS problem and you are not the solution. To accept that behaviour is enabling him to continue on with it.

I know you love him, or one part of him that is not like that, but maybe it is because you have not been allowed to love yourself, or to have friends who love you too.

I don't have all the answers, but clearly you are worth far more than what he is giving you. And you deserve better, but will only find it when you learn to let go of him and love yourself first and then move forward with your life.

I do go on and on don't I - sorry.

Hope this makes some sense to you. We love you and care.

Hugs

Sunshine Song

No you don't go on and on. You just repeat everything I already know but just need to hear and be told again!! My friends and family are so worried for me (they just found out what was really happening about 6 weeks ago when he left and went into rehab). They all say that I should give our relationship a break and find who I am. I agree but everytime I tried to break it off, I'd get this sob story about how he can't go on without me...of course I stay thinking it was good once so why can't it be good again. I also get his family telling me he's never loved anyone like he's loved me and that only I can give him the support he needs to stay sober. That's just a HUGE burden in itself!! All I can do is pray about it and hope that I keep my eyes and ears open enough to hear God answer me.

Ann

Sunshine

It is not your burden.

Somewhere way down on the Nar-anon board, I think, or it may be in "best of" by now, there is a post called "Into Orbit... for the Newcomers"

It is from Melody Beattie's "Language of Letting Go" and it about the danger of thinking you will be "the one" to save him.

It is SO about what is happening to you right now, and how he and his family think his recovery depends on you.

Please Please Please go find it and read it.

Did I say please please.

I know it will help clarify a lot of what is confusing you.

Hugs

Ann

Found it. It is 3rd from bottom of page 1 in "Best Of Nar-Anon"

Please read it.

Hugs

Sunshine Song

"God help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationship."

Hugs and thank you Melody Beattie.

Found it anns...thank you!! Thank you for also listening to me this evening. I know my problems aren't nearly as bad as some...but its just nice to know there is someone out there who will listen!! I'm off to bed now, I have to get up in 5hrs. I hope everyone has a peaceful sleep. You're in my prayers!!!

Rose56

Sunshine, I just wanted to say hi and agree with all that Anns has said in her posts. You sound so warm, and caring. Even if he doesn't like it, take a few months to yourself. Decide that you want 3-6 months for your recovery only. Put all his needs aside. And if he doesn't like it too bad. If this will meet your need, do it. You have enough on your plate with the bills, work and school. Put the relationship on hold. I think women tend to place relationships with men above all else in thier life. We should be first in our life. As I am wrighting this to you I am listening for myself too. I need to follow my own advice. Funny isn't it? I will be praying for you, take good care and remember to keep breathing.

piggle

Sunshine......from someone who has been where you are....hang in there. Whichever path you choose...to stay or go, each has its own share of hurdles. I stayed and mistrusted for a very long time. Everytime he was five minutes late from work I was looking at him to see if he had been to the bar. Every time we fought during the first yr and it got heated, he would grab his keys and head for the door and I would back down immediately knowing what he was planning to do. I gave up the battle and worked on him. I am sure I didn't do things correctly and I know I gave up more of myself than anyone should, but we DID make is (so far) and these days I don't even worry about him having a drink. That doesn't mean he won;t, but he did learn to stop running to it everytime things are tough. Like I said, hurdles either way, but most importantly, I MADE IT...and you will too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="wink.gif" />