Newbie and our first day of no drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Newbie and our first day of no drinking.
We've been married for over 21 years and we've finally come to terms with the fact that we both have a problem and that we must stop drinking. Do we have a plan? NO and that scares me so for right now we will take it one day at a time. We both have professional careers and don't drink during the day but we drink every night. We've been drinking heavily for the past 5 years or maybe even more. We have two wonderful daughters and I never had one drink during either pregnancies and it was so easy. Why can't not drinking be easy when not pregnant? We've been talking about thinking we should quit for sometime now but we've both finally confronted our issues and know it's time. Plus, we simply can't afford to continue drinking at the rate we are. I was ashamed when I added up what we've spent just so far this month on our habit and I'm fully aware of what it's doing to our bodies.
I don't think any of our friends or family realize how much we drink as we both get up every morning get the kids ready for school, go to work, go to athletic events for our oldest, go to school functions, do lots of things within our community, go to church, etc.
Anyway, this is DAY 1 for us and we are planning on supporting each other and making our lives better. We have a loving marriage and I pray that helps us through our journey.
So if you have any words of wisdom, they'd be appreciated.
I don't think any of our friends or family realize how much we drink as we both get up every morning get the kids ready for school, go to work, go to athletic events for our oldest, go to school functions, do lots of things within our community, go to church, etc.
Anyway, this is DAY 1 for us and we are planning on supporting each other and making our lives better. We have a loving marriage and I pray that helps us through our journey.
So if you have any words of wisdom, they'd be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Newcastle
Posts: 908
Welcome to SR 
I wish you the best on your sober journey.
I'm currently on day 6 but have had the odd month or too, for me, SR helps massively in terms of support. Read and post as much as you can manage.
You can do it!
I wish you the best on your sober journey.I'm currently on day 6 but have had the odd month or too, for me, SR helps massively in terms of support. Read and post as much as you can manage.
You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Welcome Mel...... I can tell you that it is infinitely better that you are getting sober together. I was also an evening drinker that eventually became an all day drinker. Congrats on your decision to stop . I wish you well!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi Mel, welcome. I'd say get rid of all alcohol from the house. Avoid situations with alcohol for awhile until you feel stronger. Stay away from temptation. Make a plan to do other activities. Fill the time up, so you won't be thinking about it as much. Drink a lot of water and take vitamins. Exercise helped me tremendously. You both can do this. Good choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone for making me feel welcome when I feel so alone except for having my husband by my side. We got ourselves in this mess and now we need to dig ourselves out.
Seems kind of odd that we chose a Friday to stop drinking. I think that means we both know it's time because when we've talked about it in the past we've always said we will quit on Monday. Like that ever happened SMH.
Seems kind of odd that we chose a Friday to stop drinking. I think that means we both know it's time because when we've talked about it in the past we've always said we will quit on Monday. Like that ever happened SMH.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi Mel and welcome. There is a lot of good help were and AA etc. That said you have to do this for your selves and be totally honest with your self about your drinking. An expression I probably use too often but is very on target, "if we don't pick up the first drink we don't have to get sober AGAIN" Stopping is simple not always easy especially for the long term as life is still there to rock the boat. BE WELL
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Mel, 
That's so great that you guys are doing this together! Being each other's support is going to be so helpful.
You hit upon something within the questions in your post. You asked "Why can't not drinking be easy when not pregnant?"
When you were pregnant you didn't drink because it wasn't a choice. When it's not a choice you focus less on the fact that you can't because it's already decided for you.
I think that same reasoning (although I'm not pregnant and thankfully so since I'm 51) has helped me be successful this time. There is no choice for me. For all the tough cravings in the beginning I knew that I had to find a way through them because I didn't have that choice.
You really do have to put yourself in that mindset. No maybe just one, no excuses, no conditional thoughts. There simply is no choice. That mind frame makes success much more easier.
I hope that helped somewhat.
That's so great that you guys are doing this together! Being each other's support is going to be so helpful.
You hit upon something within the questions in your post. You asked "Why can't not drinking be easy when not pregnant?"
When you were pregnant you didn't drink because it wasn't a choice. When it's not a choice you focus less on the fact that you can't because it's already decided for you.
I think that same reasoning (although I'm not pregnant and thankfully so since I'm 51) has helped me be successful this time. There is no choice for me. For all the tough cravings in the beginning I knew that I had to find a way through them because I didn't have that choice.
You really do have to put yourself in that mindset. No maybe just one, no excuses, no conditional thoughts. There simply is no choice. That mind frame makes success much more easier.
I hope that helped somewhat.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Mel. Welcome.
You've come to the right place. It's difficult to change your life when you're in the habit of drinking every night. SR is a nice supportive place to discuss your thoughts and challenges as you go through this.
It helped me a lot to revise my thinking. Instead of thinking of alcohol as a treat that I owed myself for a hard day's work---I reprogrammed myself. I made myself think of it as a poison, and I was so much better off without it.
Like many other people I was worried about my health. The fear that I was permanently damaging my liver or brain was a good motivator.
It may be difficult initially in social situations (depending on where you live) but there are good threads on that you can reference. Really it isn't anyone else's business!
Anyway...glad you are here. I haven't had a drink in almost 3 years, so I know it is possible. You can do it!
Danae
You've come to the right place. It's difficult to change your life when you're in the habit of drinking every night. SR is a nice supportive place to discuss your thoughts and challenges as you go through this.
It helped me a lot to revise my thinking. Instead of thinking of alcohol as a treat that I owed myself for a hard day's work---I reprogrammed myself. I made myself think of it as a poison, and I was so much better off without it.
Like many other people I was worried about my health. The fear that I was permanently damaging my liver or brain was a good motivator.
It may be difficult initially in social situations (depending on where you live) but there are good threads on that you can reference. Really it isn't anyone else's business!
Anyway...glad you are here. I haven't had a drink in almost 3 years, so I know it is possible. You can do it!
Danae
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
My biggest fear is our pattern of life. We come home from the office and before we even walk into the house, we grab a beer out of the garage refrigerator. We love to cook together and when we do, we drink. We love to hang outside with the kids and we drink. We watch TV, we drink. We visit with neighbors, we drink. We walk the dog, we drink before and after. We do yard work, we drink. I guess you see the pattern??
What do you do with yourself when you're not drinking? Did you change what you did so you're not bored and think you need to drink just because you've never grilled without having a drink? I mean for tonight we are making plans of stuff to do just so we can try to do something different. But I know we can't not ever cook again or not ever play with our kids again or not ever do yard work again so it's the normal life that I fear is going to put both of us back to wanting to drink.
I know us doing this together is a great thing but also we are each others biggest enabler because it's just what we do. So did you just go on living your life exactly how you did before and just make the choice to not drink?
What do you do with yourself when you're not drinking? Did you change what you did so you're not bored and think you need to drink just because you've never grilled without having a drink? I mean for tonight we are making plans of stuff to do just so we can try to do something different. But I know we can't not ever cook again or not ever play with our kids again or not ever do yard work again so it's the normal life that I fear is going to put both of us back to wanting to drink.
I know us doing this together is a great thing but also we are each others biggest enabler because it's just what we do. So did you just go on living your life exactly how you did before and just make the choice to not drink?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome Mel, It's great you are doing this and your husband is doing it to as easier to have all alcohol out of the house,avoid alcohol events at least in the short term and support each other.
Your post is full of "we" and it seems as thought this is a joint thing. Whilst you are doing this together I would urge you to keep in mind that you are also doing it individually. You are giving up drinking for you and only you can control that. He his giving up drinking for him and only he can control that.
By ensuring you keep in mind that it's an inidvidual quit you lessen the risks. Sobriety pacts can fail as one partner may decide to drink and the other then decides to drink as they feel annoyed,let down,angry, jealous of the other drinking. Even just seeing the other drink you may think "oh that's it, we've failed, I'll have a drink too"
By ensuring that your journey is your journey and you can only control you and your sobriety you lessen the risks of you failing.
That's not to say you can't support each other of course and both feel the benefits of sobriety
Your post is full of "we" and it seems as thought this is a joint thing. Whilst you are doing this together I would urge you to keep in mind that you are also doing it individually. You are giving up drinking for you and only you can control that. He his giving up drinking for him and only he can control that.
By ensuring you keep in mind that it's an inidvidual quit you lessen the risks. Sobriety pacts can fail as one partner may decide to drink and the other then decides to drink as they feel annoyed,let down,angry, jealous of the other drinking. Even just seeing the other drink you may think "oh that's it, we've failed, I'll have a drink too"
By ensuring that your journey is your journey and you can only control you and your sobriety you lessen the risks of you failing.
That's not to say you can't support each other of course and both feel the benefits of sobriety
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Mel1 
My biggest fear is our pattern of life. We come home from the office and before we even walk into the house, we grab a beer out of the garage refrigerator. We love to cook together and when we do, we drink. We love to hang outside with the kids and we drink. We watch TV, we drink. We visit with neighbors, we drink. We walk the dog, we drink before and after. We do yard work, we drink. I guess you see the pattern??
What do you do with yourself when you're not drinking? Did you change what you did so you're not bored and think you need to drink just because you've never grilled without having a drink? I mean for tonight we are making plans of stuff to do just so we can try to do something different. But I know we can't not ever cook again or not ever play with our kids again or not ever do yard work again so it's the normal life that I fear is going to put both of us back to wanting to drink.
I know us doing this together is a great thing but also we are each others biggest enabler because it's just what we do. So did you just go on living your life exactly how you did before and just make the choice to not drink?
What do you do with yourself when you're not drinking? Did you change what you did so you're not bored and think you need to drink just because you've never grilled without having a drink? I mean for tonight we are making plans of stuff to do just so we can try to do something different. But I know we can't not ever cook again or not ever play with our kids again or not ever do yard work again so it's the normal life that I fear is going to put both of us back to wanting to drink.
I know us doing this together is a great thing but also we are each others biggest enabler because it's just what we do. So did you just go on living your life exactly how you did before and just make the choice to not drink?
Things I used to do drinking that I needed to keep doing I just did without drinking. cooking was hard for me,well odd rather thanhard, but I got used to it.
Since I got sober it's amazing how much better it is to do things without being numb or drunk because of drinking.Imagine how much better it will be to play with your kids sober-they'll probably love it, you'll find you'll probably really enjoy it more too. No kid wants a drunk parent really no matter howmuch fun we think we are
I worried about being bored and boring when I stopped drinking. Now,looking back I realize how boring I actually was.All I did was come home and drank.Everynight.Watching for wine o'clock. Everythign I did was with a glass of wine. Now I see I was trapped in the prison that was alcohol.
Now sober,I have real freedom. I 'm never bored as I can do what I want when I want. I never had that when I was trapped in the confines of a wine bottle
try it, you may enjoy it. It takes time but it's well worth it
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My husband and I (married 27 yrs) are both high functioning, didn't miss work, or kids events, etc, and most neighbors would have been shocked to learn how much we both drank. Just a heads up, from personal experience, "we" tried to quit together on many, many occasions. One of us always talked the other one into drinking. I finally realized I had to do it on my own. I've been sober for 5 years, my husband still drinks. If you're serious stick with it even if he relapses. I found in the first few weeks of my recovery that I had to leave the house a lot in the evening. I couldn't be around the drinking. Now, I don't even give it a 2nd thought (on most days). He has no desire to quit although unlike me, he can drink just 1 or 2 beers and be done for the night, I could never do that. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 728
58 days
Originally Posted by Mel1
Thank you everyone for making me feel welcome when I feel so alone except for having my husband by my side. We got ourselves in this mess and now we need to dig ourselves out.
Seems kind of odd that we chose a Friday to stop drinking. I think that means we both know it's time because when we've talked about it in the past we've always said we will quit on Monday. Like that ever happened SMH.
Seems kind of odd that we chose a Friday to stop drinking. I think that means we both know it's time because when we've talked about it in the past we've always said we will quit on Monday. Like that ever happened SMH.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
During my first couple of dry years I had my son on week ends and during the summer we always took the small boat out in the bay fishing. After a couple years he suggested that we go to an Ocean beach instead so I made up a lunch and suddenly panicked when I went to the frig for drinks and remembered I don't drink anymore so couldn't go. How does one go to the beach without beer? Daaaaa it took a couple minutes to realize other non alcohol drinks are also permitted on the beach. Over the years we get comfortable in old habits that are hard to break. This is not scientific but at AA meetings most people are holding a cup of coffee while mingling, like we can't socialize without the crutch in hand? BE WELL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Leana
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My husband and I (married 27 yrs) are both high functioning, didn't miss work, or kids events, etc, and most neighbors would have been shocked to learn how much we both drank. Just a heads up, from personal experience, "we" tried to quit together on many, many occasions. One of us always talked the other one into drinking. I finally realized I had to do it on my own. I've been sober for 5 years, my husband still drinks. If you're serious stick with it even if he relapses. I found in the first few weeks of my recovery that I had to leave the house a lot in the evening. I couldn't be around the drinking. Now, I don't even give it a 2nd thought (on most days). He has no desire to quit although unlike me, he can drink just 1 or 2 beers and be done for the night, I could never do that. Good luck.
People we know would be SHOCKED if they knew we drank like we do. Probably more shocked if they knew I did.
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