Recovery question

Old 10-25-2013, 09:39 AM
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Recovery question

I have been gone from our home for over 6 months now. The first couple months were hard for both of us. It was an emotional rollercoaster. I tried all the begging, ignoring, pleading, to try to force him to an epiphany. Then I had my own epiphany. I wanted control of my emotions. I started running for exercise. I performed CBT. I changed my negative thought patterns into positive ones. I socialized more. I have even began looking into my own spirituality. I learned to love life again. I feel stronger everyday.

I love him. I wanted to show him how much I have changed for the better and how amazing life really is. We started hanging out together. He would open up to me in ways he had never done before. This encouraged me and gave me a great deal of hope for him. I am an intuitive person, and have the awesome ability to see someone to their core. To their true self hidden away by actions and material things. He has an amazing soul.

I try to live every moment of everyday by the strict moral code ingrained in my own soul. To live with compassion and kindness. I have become more aware than ever before with this awakening. Although I did this all for myself, I know he was encouraged by my optimism and love.

Well he disappointed me again. His good friend, who just recently got out of jail for dealing drugs and weapon charges, asked if he could move into my Ex’s house. This friend is his closest friend, and the one he did the most drugs with. My ex did not come out and tell me about his friend wanting to move in. I only found out because his friend’s Probation Officer’s business card was on his dishwasher and I asked him about it. At that moment I snapped. I reverted back to my old ways. I cried and yelled. But I was able to quickly recover. I calmly told him my feelings on the matter and that I trusted him to make the right decision for him.

3 days ago his friend moved in.  He tells me that he really thinks his friend will get better if he is given a chance. And my Ex insists that this will not affect his own recovery.

We have a toddler together. I told him our son will not be able to visit him in his home while his friend is staying there. I also informed his other sons’ mother about his friend moving in. She was upset and apparently is not allowing their twin 7 y/os to visit this weekend either. I don’t think a household with 2 “recovering” addicts is a safe place for kids. Fortunately, since we were not married, and I haven’t file for Child Support, I have sole custody by default, and he has no court ordered visitation. I told him he may visit the child in my home only.

The only real things I have seen as evidence to his recovery is that he is trying to distract himself from using, by reading, video games, movies. And is trying to be more open emotionally. He mentioned baby steps. I see this new roommate situation as a giant leap backward. I told him not to contact me unless he was serious about recovery and getting better.

What are the true signs of recovery? How do I know if he really means it when he says he “will get better”? Obviously now he isn't in recovery, right?
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Old 10-25-2013, 10:22 AM
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TMZ
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Some true signs of recovery is; not associating with the old crowd, going to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, making amends, and so on.

Addiction is a life long disease, but they can find recovery. I like to call them recovering addicts. Because it takes work on not only themselves personally but also a new social life, and they deserve to be called "recovering."

I agree that, that roommate is a giant step backwards. But we can only control our own lives. It seams you did good by setting boundaries and openly sharing your feelings on it. That is about all you can do, beside what you have been doing by showing by example.

Now an active addict would not spend time reading or playing video games as that would require too much attention and they would not have the attention span. so for now sounds like he is clean.

The thing in your post that grabbed me the most though and concerns me is; "Well he disappointed me again." In order to be disappointed you have had to have some expectations or assumptions of what you expect from him. ...If you are truly working on you, and have had the spiritual awakening. Why then do you have this feeling? Why are you expecting from someone else anything. Your recovery is all about you and not expecting someone else to provide anything for your own serenity. You are letting him have control again.
Keep working on YOU! Your going to be the guiding light.....
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Old 10-25-2013, 10:46 AM
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He may be telling himself he will get better. I know I told myself that for a long time. He will want to be away from other people doing drugs when he is really ready to stop doing them. I can understand your hurt for him letting this other person live with him. Just remember that while an addict is in active addiction they believe their own lies. They also are incapable of true feelings because they are constantly lying to themselves and to everyone else. It's almost like a bubble of lies they live in.. and it becomes more and more distorted the longer the addiction continues.
Congrats on making yourself better. No one deserves you healthy and great that you! Also, i'm sure it's a great example for your child. If he loses out on seeing his kid it's his problem. She will realize when she's older. I have a 7 year old and 3 year old with my RAH of iv heroin.
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Old 10-25-2013, 11:16 AM
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Thank you both for your reply. I am disappointed in him. And I do think that is an appropriate emotional response to the situation. However I do not let this define me or make me feel bad about myself like I had done before.

The reading thing is new. But even when he was using at his most (snorting vicoden was his DOC) he still played video games.

I have done some amount of research on addiction, and although he is sober, he has not done the work necessary for recovery. He relapsed and used less than 2 weeks ago, shortly after the friend got out of jail. He told me right away, and felt a great deal of remorse. He said he asked his friend not to offer him pills anymore.

He is high functioning addict. He rarely misses work, but doesn't pay his bills. He will probably lose his house soon.

I guess he hasn't hit bottom.

Would it be beneficial for him if I continued to encourage him toward recovery? Through inspirational texts and the like?
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Old 10-25-2013, 11:42 AM
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I can't see that encouraging him towards recovery would be a bad thing.
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Old 10-25-2013, 01:47 PM
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Yes..sobriety and recovery are two different things.

I see sobriety when a person "white knuckles" through life. They don't have the tools to deal with things that come up and their triggers are something that will lead to their using again.

In recovery, the person has the tools and resources (support) to do something other than "white knuckle" their life. They reach out during their weak points; admit their triggers and work around them.

Either one can relapse, at any time, but which one would be more successful in sustaining a sober lifestyle? I think the one in recovery.

My husband was 13 years sober. Relapsed recently. Now, he is on the road to recovery.
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