Creekryder

Over six years ago, I stumbled upon this site with desperation and hopes. And for over six years, I have battled my addiction with alcohol. And for an equal amount of time, have climbed on the wagon and have fallen off of it as well. Each time I make the commitment to stay sober, it comes with a bright, shiny resolve to make it happen. After a period of time, I find myself in the gutter with a bottle in my hand. Then the process starts over again. And again...and again.

This past bout with drinking has left me weak and vulnerable. But to recommit is imperative and action is vital. With this in mind, I change direction and return to abstinence. Whether I succeed or fail is of no issue. This moment is all I have and I choose to live it sober.

But I am battle-weary. Strength is lacking, but I can still swing a sword.

Ghostlight1

It took me a long time of swinging that sword till I reached sobriety, one day at a time.
Heck, I joined this site like five years ago (under a different name) and just got two years ten months sober. Took me awhile.

I understand completely where you're coming from. Because that was me, too.
Solemn vows, horrible hangovers and eventualy a nasty withdrawal didn't stop me.
It took belief in a power greater than myself to finaly get sober.

AA works for many. Have you thought of trying it? There are other methods.
I feel for you, and want you to know you're not alone. It took me a long time to drink alcoholicly and it took me a long time to unlearn that behavior.

Don't be too hard on yourself, and best to you.

lessgravity

Good luck Creek, I know the same battles well. Here's to a better way to live.

Hooped

Creek, I hear you.
My last little 'fling' with our evil nemesis started off with just one drink last Sunday. Which of course turned into a 5 day marathon.
I'll seize that moment right along with you.
Here's to hoping our moments pile up into days.

Creekryder

Thx, Ghostlight. I have tried AA, but doesn't work well for me. But rest assured, I will seek methods to help me stand. The bottle has an even stronger hold on me at this point, but I'm accepting the challenge. A blind pig finds an acorn eventually, right?
Thx, lessgravity for the encouragement. It is, indeed, a vicious battle where wounds are inflicted upon us.

EndGameNYC

True, but bouncing around in the dark is no way to stay sane and sober.

Many people try but few succeed taking on life-and-death situations or processes on their own.

As you've suggested, what's missing is treatment or a program of recovery that's available when you need it.

A large percentage of people who achieve sobriety in AA were of the mind that AA wasn't for them. It took multiple occurrences of their losing everything in order to find their way home.

onthebrink

Creekryder, hang in there okay? This is a hard road and it can feel so daunting when you find yourself repeating the same patterns. I'm new to sobriety so I don't know that I have a lot to offer in terms of advice. I don't seem to fit at AA either. I've tried. Once I went to meetings for about 6 weeks. Started drinking again. Moved and decided to stop again. I tried another meeting. It got me through a tough day but I still don't feel like it's the right path for me.

I think the thing is, we are all unique and you have yet to find the path to sobriety that works with your way of thinking. You do need a plan. So do I for that matter. But you're here and we're here to support you. It's a start. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep looking forward.

How do you feel when you're drinking as opposed to sober? In the beginning I felt great drinking, clearly. But that faded and I felt miserable and guilty so what did I do? Drank more. Then that wasn't enough so I drank more, until I couldn't function without it.

Being sober feels SO good. It's REALLY hard to stay that way though. So let's make a plan together. Stop drinking, step 1 - did that. Seek help, step 2 - did that too. What's step three?

Let me know what you come up with and I'll do the same, okay? You have friends here.

least

I'm glad you're back and giving it another go.

Hawkeye13

Hi Creekryder;
AA wasn't for me either, but there are many approaches here to review, one of which might be the ticket. Check out the Secular section--many other options have been successfully used by many here--I will copy subheadings from that here:

LifeRing-Smart-SOS, CBT, AVRT, Problem Solving, Self Management, Self-Empowerment, Rational Thinking, Positive Lifestyle Changes, Self Assessment, Commitment and Follow-Through, Self-Acceptance, Motives and Goals, Peer Support.

Developing and following through on a plan, whether through a formal recovery model or not, was the thing that finally got me off the merry go round. You can truly do this and it sounds like you are more than ready.

Creekryder

AVRT seems to hold closer to my view of my addiction, although the personification of the separate entity, the Beast, somewhat challenges my acceptance. I strive to have reintegration of myself rather than fragmentation. But I do feel the concept of the addictive voice is extremely pertinent and controlling that is essential in freedom of the addiction. I am returning to my yoga and meditations to fill the gaps formed by absence of alcohol.
This is my opinion and not meant to discourage or defile any other method or program. As many have stated before me, whatever works for you, do it.

Dee74

welcome back P

I dunno what to offer that I haven't offered before but I know you deserve a lot better than you've been giving yourself.

I hope you find what you need to do this, and that this time is your time, friend

D