Don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 4
Don't know what to do
Hello all,
New to the site and to recovery for that matter. I'm a little scared of myself right now and not sure how this works, so I'll just tell you about me and work from there.
I've been an alcoholic for about 12-15 years or so (I'm 33). Not a 'drinks every single day' alcoholic or a 'set the alarm to have a shot at 4am' alcoholic. I'm the 'once I've had one drink I just can't stop' flavour of alcoholic.
Back in July I was caught drink driving. I was a CSI for the police in London (uk) at the time, needless to say I have not only lost my job but will never work in law enforcement, or indeed the public sector, ever again.
I have a great wife and an awesome 3 year old son - they are pretty much the only good thing left in my life. I had managed to give up drink for about a month and then started doing what I lied to myself was a 'controlled re-introduction' to responsible drinking. I did not tell my wife I was dong this - in fact I told myself that by keeping it from her I was forcing myself to drink responsibly because otherwise I'd get caught. Pretty impressive self- delusion, I think you'll agree.
This all cumulated last night when, surprise, surprise, I drank too much, my wife noticed and now I'm having to face up to my problem.
I drink because I'm stressed. I drink because I'm bored or lonely. I drink because I like drinking. A combination of all these is invariably fatal, and at the moment I am stressed all the time and , naturally, I always like drinking. I have lost all self-respect. I'm losing the respect of my wife and my son will soon be old enough to lose all respect for me too.
This incident will have me back on the wagon for a few weeks but I know I'll get complacent and the urge to start again will just come back like it always does. Clearly my own brain cannot be trusted to get me through this alone, my wife is great but is not an alcoholic and cannot understand what I am facing (nor should this be her responsibility), so I've come to you kind people.
Please help.
New to the site and to recovery for that matter. I'm a little scared of myself right now and not sure how this works, so I'll just tell you about me and work from there.
I've been an alcoholic for about 12-15 years or so (I'm 33). Not a 'drinks every single day' alcoholic or a 'set the alarm to have a shot at 4am' alcoholic. I'm the 'once I've had one drink I just can't stop' flavour of alcoholic.
Back in July I was caught drink driving. I was a CSI for the police in London (uk) at the time, needless to say I have not only lost my job but will never work in law enforcement, or indeed the public sector, ever again.
I have a great wife and an awesome 3 year old son - they are pretty much the only good thing left in my life. I had managed to give up drink for about a month and then started doing what I lied to myself was a 'controlled re-introduction' to responsible drinking. I did not tell my wife I was dong this - in fact I told myself that by keeping it from her I was forcing myself to drink responsibly because otherwise I'd get caught. Pretty impressive self- delusion, I think you'll agree.
This all cumulated last night when, surprise, surprise, I drank too much, my wife noticed and now I'm having to face up to my problem.
I drink because I'm stressed. I drink because I'm bored or lonely. I drink because I like drinking. A combination of all these is invariably fatal, and at the moment I am stressed all the time and , naturally, I always like drinking. I have lost all self-respect. I'm losing the respect of my wife and my son will soon be old enough to lose all respect for me too.
This incident will have me back on the wagon for a few weeks but I know I'll get complacent and the urge to start again will just come back like it always does. Clearly my own brain cannot be trusted to get me through this alone, my wife is great but is not an alcoholic and cannot understand what I am facing (nor should this be her responsibility), so I've come to you kind people.
Please help.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,346
Hi and welcome cjp45 
two things helped me to make my sobriety a lasting one - finding support, and being willing to make the necessary changes in my life to back up my desire to stay sober.
I had to look at my friends, what I did for fun, how I relaxed, how I kept myself busy, how I rewarded myself...I had to give my life a really good spring clean.
Luckily none of us has to do this alone.
You'll find a lot of support here - and a lot of ideas on where to find real life face to face support too, if you want that
D
two things helped me to make my sobriety a lasting one - finding support, and being willing to make the necessary changes in my life to back up my desire to stay sober.
I had to look at my friends, what I did for fun, how I relaxed, how I kept myself busy, how I rewarded myself...I had to give my life a really good spring clean.
Luckily none of us has to do this alone.
You'll find a lot of support here - and a lot of ideas on where to find real life face to face support too, if you want that
D
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Hi Cjp - That must have been a devastating blow to lose your job like that 
I'm wondering if you've had support from your GP over it all? I ask, because it was a traumatic incident that got me into drinking and like you, I was also not a daily drinker, but once I started I didn't want to stop (I won't say couldn't, as if the money ran out, I stopped)
Perhaps some counselling or anti-depressants while you get your ahead around the events of July?
Welcome to SR by the way - it's an excellent site
Xx
I'm wondering if you've had support from your GP over it all? I ask, because it was a traumatic incident that got me into drinking and like you, I was also not a daily drinker, but once I started I didn't want to stop (I won't say couldn't, as if the money ran out, I stopped)Perhaps some counselling or anti-depressants while you get your ahead around the events of July?
Welcome to SR by the way - it's an excellent site
Xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 4
Thank you both for such quick replies.
D - I really relate to what you say about how I spend my time and relax. I don't really go out or drink with friends much. I drink on my own whilst cooking or doing housework in the evening. Pretty much all my problem drinking for the past few years has been alone - when I'm in company I tended to keep a tight lid on it so I wouldn't embarrass myself (in and of itself a bad sign, now I think about it). This is a key issue - what do I do with myself to make chores/alone time bearable? Especially at the moment when I really don't like my own company?! If I find the answer to that I might stand a chance...
Skye - many thanks for the (entirely undeserved) sympathy. I have wondered on occasion if I'm self-medicating for depression or similar but have worried that I'm just making excuses for continuing. I've not seen a GP about this and my wife is very resistant to the idea. She's a doctor herself and is very concerned about this being on my medical record, both for my sake and for our son's. This last failure does make me wonder though.
D - I really relate to what you say about how I spend my time and relax. I don't really go out or drink with friends much. I drink on my own whilst cooking or doing housework in the evening. Pretty much all my problem drinking for the past few years has been alone - when I'm in company I tended to keep a tight lid on it so I wouldn't embarrass myself (in and of itself a bad sign, now I think about it). This is a key issue - what do I do with myself to make chores/alone time bearable? Especially at the moment when I really don't like my own company?! If I find the answer to that I might stand a chance...
Skye - many thanks for the (entirely undeserved) sympathy. I have wondered on occasion if I'm self-medicating for depression or similar but have worried that I'm just making excuses for continuing. I've not seen a GP about this and my wife is very resistant to the idea. She's a doctor herself and is very concerned about this being on my medical record, both for my sake and for our son's. This last failure does make me wonder though.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,007
CJP
Have you thought of getting into a program like AA ? Alcoholism cannot be overcome by willpower, you need support. There is no shame in that. I am sure in the UK there must be plenty of help lines that is readily accessible.
Have you thought of getting into a program like AA ? Alcoholism cannot be overcome by willpower, you need support. There is no shame in that. I am sure in the UK there must be plenty of help lines that is readily accessible.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 19
What helped me was to tell my mates. I also told them about my seizures. My GF already knew I had a big problem after three trips to A&E after very serious seizures. I was never a mean drunk, I was just always little bit drunk.
Few months back I told my best mates that, "Listen guys, I am going to the AA, I have a problem and I want to quit drinking because I am an alcholic" ( which the addict inside me did not like and is doing its best to destroy my life )
It felt like the weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I have always been the rascal of the group who could drink anyone under the table, so they were surprised but happy, supported me and promised to come to the meetings with me.
At my last AA meeting the person who attended the chair and told her story said that "Do not go day at the time. You have to go second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour etc."
For me it is such a huge problem because I also usually drink at home. Cooking, watching the telly etc.
Going to the gym and running and just being outside doing stuff helps me. Home for me is the worst, the devil is always there making sure I have a glass in my hand.
Few months back I told my best mates that, "Listen guys, I am going to the AA, I have a problem and I want to quit drinking because I am an alcholic" ( which the addict inside me did not like and is doing its best to destroy my life )
It felt like the weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I have always been the rascal of the group who could drink anyone under the table, so they were surprised but happy, supported me and promised to come to the meetings with me.
At my last AA meeting the person who attended the chair and told her story said that "Do not go day at the time. You have to go second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour etc."
For me it is such a huge problem because I also usually drink at home. Cooking, watching the telly etc.
Going to the gym and running and just being outside doing stuff helps me. Home for me is the worst, the devil is always there making sure I have a glass in my hand.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 19
I did exactly what Skye2 is saying. I went to 'Holland & Barret', swallowed my pride and said I need everything in your arsenal to make me not to want a drink because I am an alcoholic.
They gave me loads of different little jars and did not ask a single question. This one works fairly well for me.
Check out a herb called 'Kudzu', it did wonders for me.
They gave me loads of different little jars and did not ask a single question. This one works fairly well for me.
Check out a herb called 'Kudzu', it did wonders for me.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Brilliant Dino They also have things for stress and depression though too
I know up here in the East Mids, they also have counselling therapies, where they can't tell your GP without your permission. I'm sure there is probably something similar there?
Just a thought
They also have things for stress and depression though too I know up here in the East Mids, they also have counselling therapies, where they can't tell your GP without your permission. I'm sure there is probably something similar there?
Just a thought
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by cjp45 
She's a doctor herself and is very concerned about this being on my medical record, both for my sake and for our son's. This last failure does make me wonder though.
Depression is horrible and I have been thru that myself. You will find lots of support here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 4
Thanks Dino - have heard of kudzu, I take it in your experience it does work then?
Am cautious because I feel it is definitely psychological rather than physical in my case. I think I need a drink to feel ok rather than feel bad without one - is that similar to your experience?
Am cautious because I feel it is definitely psychological rather than physical in my case. I think I need a drink to feel ok rather than feel bad without one - is that similar to your experience?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
Welcome cjp45, Getting the necessary support and being completely honest with my doctor really helped me. No longer having to hide everything and deal with it all on my own was such a relief. I changed all of my old habits, how and when i socialized and i kept myself really busy with new activities. Exercising when i felt stressed out really helps me too. You will find tons of support here. I'm glad you have joined us. Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 19
I could see the difference when taking it, but it did not take the problem away. After constant drinking the nerves in my hands and legs started to hurt. So I also take Milk Thistle, Potassium, Jointace and all the basic Vitamins and Magnesium.
If I take them regularly I can feel the difference in the urge of having a drink. Simply because I feel healthier. I used to be a swimmer so feeling healthy and being in shape is important for me. That is also why I hate being an alcoholic.
AA helps a lot. I am not a religious person at all and I do not really follow the 12 steps, but the stories that are told there, which also stay there are a constant reminder for me about my serious problem. The positivity and laughter also helps a lot. You should definitely go to a meeting. It was a big step for me because I was so long in denial that I had a problem, but then I went and after few times I really got into it.
Even though I still drink in the evenings and during the weekends. I just think the mental side and the non judging side is a real help for me personally and has made me drink less and less...
If I take them regularly I can feel the difference in the urge of having a drink. Simply because I feel healthier. I used to be a swimmer so feeling healthy and being in shape is important for me. That is also why I hate being an alcoholic.
AA helps a lot. I am not a religious person at all and I do not really follow the 12 steps, but the stories that are told there, which also stay there are a constant reminder for me about my serious problem. The positivity and laughter also helps a lot. You should definitely go to a meeting. It was a big step for me because I was so long in denial that I had a problem, but then I went and after few times I really got into it.
Even though I still drink in the evenings and during the weekends. I just think the mental side and the non judging side is a real help for me personally and has made me drink less and less...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 19
There are open meetings which you can attend with your sponsor who does not have a problem, or is cured from our problem.
I have three sponsors, two of my close friends and my girlfriend and I have a friend who got me into AA who I attend a lot with because we can talk openly about 'good' and 'bad' days, which some of my friends who don't have the problem do not always understand.
I have three sponsors, two of my close friends and my girlfriend and I have a friend who got me into AA who I attend a lot with because we can talk openly about 'good' and 'bad' days, which some of my friends who don't have the problem do not always understand.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
cjp45,
Welcome! You've come to the right place There's a lot of great information on this board and great people who will provide lots of support. Read, read, read, you will find yourself in many of these posts.
Many of us have tried to quit and then talked ourselves right into drinking a different way that might just work. In my last adventure into the research of moderation I threatened myself. If I couldn't control the amount of alcohol that I drank on the weekends that was going to be it. No more choice. I would have to quit and I would have exhausted all ways I could think of to moderate. Even threatening myself with having to abstain from alcohol forever (we dislike that word by the way) didn't work. I was a weekend binge drinker, which sounds somewhat like what you were also, give me one and then get out of my way. My threat worked for a while but it was painful. I knew after a 6 pack that there was no more to be had. I know, a 6 pack is a lot but not over a 5 or 6 hour period in an evening. It was torture drinking that last beer and knowing that I was done for the night. That only worked for a handful of weekends anyway. I was right back where I was before I started and totally ignored my conscious when I hit that 6th beer. Each time I quit and went back to it my hangovers got worse and as a person, I got worse. This past time was horrible.
You have to learn to hate alcohol and what it's done to you and your life. I finally found that. Your post reminds me a lot of me, I was bored, stressed, and lonely and I loved to drink.
Yesterday was 5 months for me and there are some things that are becoming evident.
1. I wasn't really that bored, lonely, and stressed, not nearly as much as I thought that I was. Those were invented reasons so that I could drink. All three of those can be replaced with "I am not drinking right now and I want to be".
2. Once I had been sober for a bit I realized that what I thought was previously very stressful now rolled off my back. I can only come to the conclusion that alcohol actually created more stress in my life and it was because if I wasn't drinking then I was waiting to drink. I was stressed because of all these things that were taking up my time so I couldn't drink.
3. After 5 months without it I am realizing that I didn't really like drinking nearly as much as I thought I did. That is a huge surprise to me. For as afraid as I was that life was going to end for me because I could no longer drink I now realize that my life worth living really began on the day that I quit.
I'm still in the infancy stages of sobriety and I know that this road has a lot of hills and potholes. The key is planning to overcome those.
It might be hard right now to believe that you can feel the same way but you can. You just have to do the work to get there.
Read, read, read, and post, post, post!
You CAN do this!
Edit: Wow, can you spot the AV (addictive voice) in that post? Even after 5 months and happily sober I still make excuses
That's how powerful alcohol is. You CAN get away from it!
Welcome! You've come to the right place
There's a lot of great information on this board and great people who will provide lots of support. Read, read, read, you will find yourself in many of these posts.Many of us have tried to quit and then talked ourselves right into drinking a different way that might just work. In my last adventure into the research of moderation I threatened myself. If I couldn't control the amount of alcohol that I drank on the weekends that was going to be it. No more choice. I would have to quit and I would have exhausted all ways I could think of to moderate. Even threatening myself with having to abstain from alcohol forever (we dislike that word by the way) didn't work. I was a weekend binge drinker, which sounds somewhat like what you were also, give me one and then get out of my way. My threat worked for a while but it was painful. I knew after a 6 pack that there was no more to be had. I know, a 6 pack is a lot but not over a 5 or 6 hour period in an evening. It was torture drinking that last beer and knowing that I was done for the night. That only worked for a handful of weekends anyway. I was right back where I was before I started and totally ignored my conscious when I hit that 6th beer. Each time I quit and went back to it my hangovers got worse and as a person, I got worse. This past time was horrible.
You have to learn to hate alcohol and what it's done to you and your life. I finally found that. Your post reminds me a lot of me, I was bored, stressed, and lonely and I loved to drink.
Yesterday was 5 months for me and there are some things that are becoming evident.
1. I wasn't really that bored, lonely, and stressed, not nearly as much as I thought that I was. Those were invented reasons so that I could drink. All three of those can be replaced with "I am not drinking right now and I want to be".
2. Once I had been sober for a bit I realized that what I thought was previously very stressful now rolled off my back. I can only come to the conclusion that alcohol actually created more stress in my life and it was because if I wasn't drinking then I was waiting to drink. I was stressed because of all these things that were taking up my time so I couldn't drink.
3. After 5 months without it I am realizing that I didn't really like drinking nearly as much as I thought I did. That is a huge surprise to me. For as afraid as I was that life was going to end for me because I could no longer drink I now realize that my life worth living really began on the day that I quit.
I'm still in the infancy stages of sobriety and I know that this road has a lot of hills and potholes. The key is planning to overcome those.
It might be hard right now to believe that you can feel the same way but you can. You just have to do the work to get there.
Read, read, read, and post, post, post!
You CAN do this!
Edit: Wow, can you spot the AV (addictive voice) in that post? Even after 5 months and happily sober I still make excuses
I knew after a 6 pack that there was no more to be had. I know, a 6 pack is a lot but not over a 5 or 6 hour period in an evening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 4
Well, striking while the iron is hot and all that - have just got back from the shops with a months worth of kudzu and St. John's wort. I know they aren't a cure but hopefully will give me a lift to get over this latest setback.
You've all been so kind and I'm already in a better place. I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off and get right back to trying. I doubt this will be my last slip ( although here's hoping) but I can do this in the long run.
Speaking of runs, have decided to do just that - every evening after son goes to bed I'm off out for 30mins to walk/run/skip or whatever before getting started on dinner, cleaning etc. This is always the time when I would have that first drink to relax and unwind so I'm hoping by altering the routine and giving myself a bit of an endorphin boost at the same time I might just manage to alter the behaviour.
You have all been awesome in just a few hours, will keep you posted
You've all been so kind and I'm already in a better place. I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off and get right back to trying. I doubt this will be my last slip ( although here's hoping) but I can do this in the long run.
Speaking of runs, have decided to do just that - every evening after son goes to bed I'm off out for 30mins to walk/run/skip or whatever before getting started on dinner, cleaning etc. This is always the time when I would have that first drink to relax and unwind so I'm hoping by altering the routine and giving myself a bit of an endorphin boost at the same time I might just manage to alter the behaviour.
You have all been awesome in just a few hours, will keep you posted
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 19
That's great news! You are on your way! The endorphin boost will help and make it easier not have that drink, at least it did for me, knowing you have done something actually healthy for your body instead of destroying it.
Baby steps... Baby steps.
Keep up the good work and have a look at AA. It might be a big step but it truly works for me to be among people who are cured or trying their best to get there.
Baby steps... Baby steps.
Keep up the good work and have a look at AA. It might be a big step but it truly works for me to be among people who are cured or trying their best to get there.
cjp45 Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,632
Hi cjp I've been stopped 14 weeks. I never thought I would have the strength then had an almighty row with husband who left which in turn made me look at my life and how I behaved and decided enough was enough. Made excuses for years I could be a social drinker like my friends, but no, I know it is a bigger problem for me. So although I do want a drink occasionally I will not have one, one because one isn't enough and secondly I'm not that person any more, and I like myself a lot more. My husband and I reconciled but I think he thinks I will start drinking again. I know it will take time to gain his full trust but in the meantime I visit this site and listen to all the advice, experiences and comradeship of everyone, it's very heartwarming . All the best.
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