rock bottom
Beyond the Influence
A passage from Malcolm Lowry’s novel Under the Volcano–
During the first half of my life I tended to believe I was like Geoffrey Firmin, the Consul, as I was, like him, able to imbibe gargantuan amounts of booze while seemingly sober. Many a day I drunk myself sober.
All I wished today, after I read your post, was that I'm 37 and not 53 and, instead of drinking myself sober (as to enable me to get really, really drunk) get a chance to chose sobriety.
Good luck!!
The Consul dropped his eyes at last. How many bottles since then? In how many glasses, how many bottles had he hidden himself, since then alone? Suddenly he saw them, the bottles of aguardiente, of anís, of jerez, of Highland Queen, the glasses, a babel of glasses—towering, like the smoke from the train that day—built to the sky, then falling, the glasses toppling and crashing, falling downhill from the Generalife Gardens, the bottles breaking, bottles of Oporto, tinto, bianco, bottles of Pernod, Oxygénée, absinthe, bottles smashing, bottles cast aside, falling with a thud on the ground in parks, under benches, beds, cinema seats, hidden in drawers at Consulates, bottles of Calvados dropped and broken, or bursting into smithereens, tossed into garbage heaps, flung into the sea, the Mediterranean, the Caspian, the Caribbean, bottles floating in the ocean, dead Scotchmen on the Atlantic highlands—and now he saw them, smelt them, all, from the very beginning-bottles, bottles, bottles, and glasses, glasses, glasses, of bitter, of Dubonnet, of Falstaff, Rye, Johnny Walker, Vieux Whisky, blanc Canadien, the aperitifs, the digestifs, the demis, the dobles, the noch ein Herr Obers, the et glas Araks, the tusen taks, the bottles, the bottles, the beautiful bottles of tequila, and the gourds, gourds, gourds, the millions of gourds of beautiful mescal… The Consul sat very still. His conscience sounded muffled with the roar of water. It whacked and whined round the wooden frame-house with the spasmodic breeze, massed, with the thunderclouds over the trees, seen through the windows, its factions.
How indeed could he hope to find himself to begin again when, somewhere, perhaps, in one of those lost or broken bottles, in one of those glasses, lay, for ever, the solitary clue to his identity? How could he go back and look now, scrabble among the broken glass, under the eternal bars, under the oceans?
Stop! Look! Listen! How drunk, or how drunkly sober un-drunk, can you calculate you are now, at any rate?
How indeed could he hope to find himself to begin again when, somewhere, perhaps, in one of those lost or broken bottles, in one of those glasses, lay, for ever, the solitary clue to his identity? How could he go back and look now, scrabble among the broken glass, under the eternal bars, under the oceans?
Stop! Look! Listen! How drunk, or how drunkly sober un-drunk, can you calculate you are now, at any rate?
All I wished today, after I read your post, was that I'm 37 and not 53 and, instead of drinking myself sober (as to enable me to get really, really drunk) get a chance to chose sobriety.
Good luck!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
thank you, sad to say skye2 its not something new, have always lived up to my reputation of being the life and soul of the party, maybe the last 4 months or so drinking whenever and wherever i can get away with it, i finish work for 3pm so if the opportunity is there, my youngest tends to go to grandparents after school for tea and not home till 7ish il do it then, saturdays and sunday mornings whilst hes out at his weekend clubs, my 2 eldest are 17 & 16 so prettu much have their own social lives evenings and weekends, i havent purposely taken day off work, it was prearranged lieu day husband works away and just spoke to him as i normally do, he would hit the roof if he knew
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
thanks i plan to sort myself out!!! just gutted the weekend is nearly here, i am invited to a party of a friend who i dont see nearly as much as i should (i could of done it today when i was not at work) i will get better! it doesnt help that my husband works away, he doesnt drink whilst working and likes to indulge on his 2 weeks onshore, i need to give my head a shake x
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Like Liberated said, you're not alone with this anymore You sound really determined to turn this around and I get the feeling, that you're going to actually succeed
Do you think it's loneliness - with your hubbie working away, that's behind it all?
Do you think it's loneliness - with your hubbie working away, that's behind it all?
Pleased to meet you supermanc. It sounds like you're fed up & really want to change. SR helped me so much in the early days - it was great to not be alone anymore. We all understand! I hope you'll keep posting. You can do this!
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