MLJ88

Hi everyone- I posted for the first time a few days ago about my husband being addicted to prescriptions. I broke down and went through his phone last night while he was sleeping (he's basically dead when he sleeps- doesn't hear anything- its the crash from the drugs I'm sure.) anyway I found out that its so much worse then I originally thought. He's scrambling on a daily basis to get these pills from a bunch of diff contacts. He's also seeing a real doc that is illegally prescribing for cash. I was so suspicious when he switched to this latest doctor and now I know I'm not crazy. Everything feels like a lie now. I'm sick to my stomach with this new information, but I also feel like a light bulb has gone off in my head- now I know why things are so bad, now I know why I'm so unhappy, now I know that he is always lying, now I know he has truly chosen these drugs over his family. He lies and says he's working late when he's really driving as far as he needs to to pick up his pills, he's driving to far away pharmacies to fill his illegal prescriptions from his new doctor bc certain pharmacies give better pills. I'm at home waiting up for him, eating dinner alone with our 2 year old- and he's lying. I'm sick.

I guess I want to know if I should confront him, or let it go- its his life right? I would feel better if I confronted him, but I don't know if it would really do anything in the end. I'm just so angry about the lies. I'm going to a Nar Anon meeting in a few weeks- they are only once a month in my area- I know it will help me.

rcutch

As a wife who has confronted numerous times I would only ask you one question - what is it you want to hear? That he's not using? You already know he is. That he'll stop because he loves you and his family? It has nothing to do with you or your son. You are correct, it is his life, unfortunately his life is spilling over into yours. You can't change his life - but you can change yours.

Please remember one thing that took me years to learn....while the lies hurt you, and boy do I know how bad they hurt, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! He is not sitting there trying to figure out how to intentionally hurt you, he is figuring out how to get his next fix, and he doesn't care who he takes down in the process. He can't feel his love for you. He has one love right now.

Please do what you can to protect your child and yourself - NOTHING you can do will make him stop.

lizwig

I'm so sorry to read this and can imagine how betrayed you must feel. I will let other partners share their thoughts about whether you should confront him (my qualifier is my son). I wanted to tell you that although nar-anon would be the logical place for me (they are harder to find) I have found great comfort in all-anon and trust you would as well. You really just have to switch the word alcoholic to addict. The principals are the same. I've been going for a year and have actually reclaimed the serenity in my life (very quickly after starting attending).

On another note, this doctor needs to be reported to the BME (board of medical examiner's). Do a Google search for them. I believe you can do it anonymously and even the suggestion of what he is doing will prompt an investigation. Typically these things aren't exposed until someone dies...You can also search healthgrades.com for this practitioner and get all the necessary info for your report. I can't recall if they include license numbers but you'll find more than you need there.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Big hug to you today.

CPGirl84

((hugs)) Confronting helps nothing, I have found that in the past when I confronted AH it just made it worse. I had one of his friends at the time, also was using, still uses, and we no longer communicate with him (proud of AH for that one because I know it was hard) who told me AH would drive 3 hours each way to find pills if he had to and say he was working. I knew that kind of thing happened with him, just not to that extreme.

And the problem is his life is and will continue to spill over into your life. With kids, I found my biggest issues became money, not necessarily the addiction. We almost lost our house twice and I was able to pull us through. I refuse to go back there again.

MLJ88

Thanks ladies for sharing your advice. I guess I don't really care what he says- I don't expect him to admit to anything- why would he start now? I guess I just want him to know that he's not fooling me, that I'm not as oblivious as he thinks I am. Is it wrong that I feel weak for not confronting him? Like I'm just ignoring a problem that exists? I want to stand up to him. But if I do, I fear he will just get better at hiding his lies. But I am for sure reporting this doctor.

CPGirl84

He likely knows he's not fooling you. My AH went a couple months into a relapse last summer and I knew, he knew I knew, but was so embarrased that he was able to compartmentalize his use away from me and not fixate on the fact that I did know. Weird and sucky but true.

You can confront him, you have a right to obviously. I just can't promise that it will help you or him feel better. If you stand up to him about it it will almost guarantee he hides more and more now. It's a tough position to be in and I have been there myself, multiple times.

Kindeyes

Now the dance of addiction begins......

I'm not sure how to stop the dance......I certainly participated and I understand the hurt, anguish, betrayal. What does the dance look like?

The addict uses and lies.

Loved one suspects something.

Asks addict about it. Addict lies some more and minimizes use to the loved one.

Loved one suspects something is wrong and feels that something is off (gut instinct).

Loved one looks for proof and validation of gut feelings by "investigating".

Loved one exposes results of the "internal investigation".

Addict is offended by the lack of trust and violation of privacy.

Addict accuses loved one of being paranoid and further minimizes use and blames loved one for causing problems.

Loved one gets hurt and offended because they now have proof and are now being told they are crazy.

Addict provides viable excuses for evidence (more lies).

......and the dance goes on.

I share this because this is a very common scenario with addiction. It usually also includes threats (that may or may not be acted upon) or ultimatums. This is what it can look like, the question is.......how does one stop the scenario from playing out this way??

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.....it is so very hard not to get drawn into the passion play. rcrutch nailed it.....but it's very hard not to take their drug use personally. The best suggestion I have for anyone in your position is to play the tape all the way through and do what is best for you and your emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual well being.

Like anyone.....an addict hears what you DO.....not what you say.

gentle hugs
ke

MLJ88

Kindeyes- you hit it spot on there- thats exactly what has been going on between us for years. It's exhausting. Where does it stop? I guess I have to be the one to stop the whole charade.

tbeit

Let me start by saying that I am the addict in my relationship. My wife is/was my enabler not by choice but that is how it turned out. We got better when she stopped enabling me. I still struggle but am a work in progress. The best thing she ever did for me and for nugging me into recovery (again I still struggle) was when she stopped going through my phone stopped confronting me stopped being the addiction police. You see when this happened I knew she was almost done. Even through my opiate haze I could see she was working on herself and by working on herself she wasnt going to put up with my addiction much longer.

This is when I knew if I didnt start working on myself I was going to lose my family. This doesnt work on all addicts but it worked on me. Its a lifelong struggle I was clean for 4 years but had a bad accident at work and broke my back and it led to a relaps. I'm not going to get into me and probably have no business on your thread but wanted to support you and maybe give a little of the other side good luck to you and your husband

MLJ88

Tbeit- thanks for that piece of advice and actually quite helpful. I wish you the best of luck in your journey

Kindeyes

Yes.....the only step I forgot to mention was......rinse and repeat.

It's a vicious circle game that goes on and on until someone decides to stop dancing.

This is where personal boundaries come in. Boundaries that require action on my part not on the part of the addict. Those actions or control of reactions (which can include no action) are what begin to speak to the addict (you have that verified by an addict in recovery above).

A dynamic can only be changed when one of two begins to make serious changes in themselves. Sometimes this can be the addict wanting to get clean (and of course.....that's all we want them to do....but we have no control of that) or it can mean that we change our own behaviors and attitudes. A dynamic only continues status quo if both people play.

You and your husband will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

pravchaw

I am sorry MLJ but the above posts are so true. The best thing you can do is to look after yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and financially. Your child needs you.
You cannot change him - it has to come from within. My advise to you is to treat him with respect, kindness and firmness. Learn about not enabling. Hold him accountable. Protect yourself financially. If possible seperate yourself physically while he is in active addiction.

In my life my 21 yo son is struggling with addiction. It took me a while to learn these lessons.

pravchaw

Interesting news I came across.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/25/bu...s.html?hp&_r=0

overit263

I still can't believe they dispense addictive drugs like that. I thought there were so many other ways to treat pain at this point?

help4hubby

I'm so sorry. I have done the same exact thing time and time again. I would wait til night time, my husband would be passed out on the couch and then I'd go through his phone. The hard part is what to do when your fears are confirmed. I would usually wait til the next day, ask a few questions and see if he would admit anything. Of course he never did so then I would let it be known that I knew he was lying and of course he would try to change the topic from his drug use and lying to why I was snooping through his phone. I don't recommend this. Although it was somewhat helpful bc it gave me an idea of what I was dealing with, I became a little obsessed with it and he became better at hiding things.

Initially I wanted to hurt anyone that helped get my husband drugs. I wanted to eliminate them as a source and get them out of his life. My mother in-law was the one that made me realize that there will always be someone or some way for my husband to get drugs until he decides he wants to quit. I think your decision to turn this dr. in is a very good one. What he is doing is very wrong, who knows what else this guy is doing for a buck!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

allforcnm

Help4Hubby,

This reminds me of something that happened right after my husband went into treatment. This man he worked with (one of the drug friends/suppliers) came to our house to drop off a laptop for my husband. Of course I told him to stay away from my husband, explained we had a baby; don't even know everything I said to him. But in reply he said no one was going to push drugs on him, no one was going to go looking for him. I know that is not always the case, sometimes dealers and friends DO come looking. But it was up to my husband to say no. The other thing I realized after meeting this man. He was just a normal guy, worked same place, was polite, clean cut, offered to help me move some large flower pots because he saw I was working with them. All these contrasts to what I thought he would be like. Prior to this when my brother in law had went to this guys house to collect the laptop without success he left afraid of him, said he was high, and intimidating. Never have seen him since....

MLJ88

Well everyone,
I haven't confronted him- it's still in the back of my head bc I really want him to know I'm not as stupid as he thinks I am, but a fight just didn't seem worth it to me last night. I spent all of yesterday obsessing over this in my head. It made me sick, exhausted, and full of anxiety. The anxiety is getting to be too much for me lately ( which is funny- I'm the one that needs the xanax- not him, maybe i should have him hook me up with some of his cocktail of drugs j/k) anyway, by time he got home from work- i was too exhausted to even try to say anything to him.
I will prob continue to snoop through his phone, I know it's wrong and only going to make me crazy, but I really want to know how bad it's getting, bc he sure as hell won't tell me. I also told his mother about the new findings- she's the only one that I have told anything to ever about his addiction. She freaked out and is super pissed. I really think she may confront him this time instead of me breaking down and doing it. Maybe if he hears something from someone else besides me, then he will think twice- who knows.

incitingsilence

But you already know how bad it is. He is showing you each and every day. What is it about you that leaves you unable to see it? Why can’t you just accept the truth?

And he knows you know, but he will play his own fair share of head games which will tell him you don’t … and do everything in his power to protect the addiction including all that crazy making, making you think you are the problem.

This isn’t personal, he isn’t using at you.
He is an addict, it is really simple, and this is what addicts do.

I know how hard it is to take that as an answer, but it usually it is the only one that makes it all make sense.

He will make a awesome distraction if you allow him to. And that will keep you stuck in the cycle.
You can opt out at any time. And that has nothing to do with staying, leaving, running, kicking him out…

Maybe it is time to ask yourself why you don’t, why you can’t opt out … what you are getting out of living in obsessing, out of snooping, from the fear you may feel, the anger as well….


I have shared this with many, and everyone still had to learn the hard way as I did.
The second I stopped searching and obsessing over the truth, I could see it. The second I stopped needing that truth to somehow make sense of everything, then everything made sense. The second I stopping wanting to know, then I got all the answers I needed and a lot of answers from him, that I found I didn’t need so much anymore. The second I stopped focusing on the lies, I saw what an infinite truth they did always show.

pravchaw

Family members become as sick as the addict in the relationship. That is why this is a family disease. Its important you see a therapist, attend al-anon etc. otherwise you will go bananas with anxiety and depression.

The family is a system and the system becomes sick due to the addict. When one part of the system starts to get healthy - it helps the whole system move towards health.

TMZ

MLJ88, Re; Confront him?

I have deliberately not read any responses you have gotten thus far to make this my own from my own experience. [15 years dealing with 2AS's in addition, 1 year in Al-Anon, and 4 years in Nar-Anon.]

First off if your gut is telling you something it is most likely right. Second YES confront! Bring it out in the light of day!!! That way they know they don't believe they have you fooled. They try to manipulate and hide their addiction because they know it is wrong. Next; Addiction is a disease, it affects the whole family and will destroy it. The odds are it is even worse and has been going on longer than you think or believe. He must get help from a professional, you are to close and love him too much to be of any help for him. Then you need to get help either from a psychologist or Nar-Anon. You too have an addiction. A second hand addiction, a codependency to the addict.

Next contact the Dr. let him know that you feel there is an addiction going on with your husband. ** even if you need to leave a message with the receptionist, that way it is documented.} Then contact the medical board in your state, if the Dr. Is taking cash payments to enable addicts it needs to be stopped.{there are those dirty Dr.'s that are out there, and need to be stopped.} All pharmacies give out the same pills. Odds are he is picking up from a dealer.

When you confront him set up boundaries, that he must seek help and get himself off the drugs. That he must actively be working on recovery. He should also go to NA and attend meetings. [You are not to find a rehab-center but he has to do it.]

Get yourself to that Nar-Anon meeting, it will help to understand addiction and help give you strength and hope. Try to find one that meets weekly or go to others.

It may be his life true, but it affects you and the whole family. You should be able to talk with your husband openly about anything, right. Well you have a valid concern and it affects you and your child as well as all of your families future's. Recovery is possible I have seen it. It is not going to be easy, but we are here to walk through it with you. Take care of you! Take care of your child. Have your husband take care of his issue, for himself and the family. ...Denying the elephant in the room is not the answer. Bringing it out into the light of day will start the process.

My prayers are with you. Stay strong, keep posting and reading. Take what works for you and just leave the rest, because each situation is different although quit a bit similar. If you need someone to talk to just send me a message, or post on here.



P.S.
Oh one more thing... Nar-Anon has a forum that is on line you can find out more about it at Nar-Anon.org.