Want2BMe

Hello,

I haven't posted on here in a very long time - but I have been lurking on and off since then. I thought that when I left my last job - a place with a huge drinking culture and acceptance of really unacceptable habits - that my issues with the booze would just go away. And they did, for a minute...and I thought I could drink normally again...

The problem is that after a few days, or weeks even, I hit the bottle again and I hit it hard. In the worst way. It seems that I want to drink to relieve stress/pressure/anxiety, which causes me to do really stupid things like drink at work (at my new awesome job that I was very lucky to get, why would I do this to myself?!?), or drink too much in front of people I've hardly met and make a dummy of myself.

I'm 31 years old. This has got to stop. I've got to make a change before stuff really goes bad and I lose everything. I have sooooo much to be grateful for, why am I risking it? I've been looking at meetings near my work to go to on lunch break...it makes me really nervous to go but I think at this point I need to do more than read other peoples' stories. I am scared to death to tell my husband - he's so perfect and wonderful and we've been married for less than a year - I don't want to ruin the way he sees me.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. I just wanted to come on and put this out there in the open, and start to take some baby steps to change. Thanks for reading.

Skye2

Hi there I am probably wrong, but do you think the drinking at work, is part of some sort of rebellion/cry for help? I ask because you say that you don't want your new husband to see you differently, which makes me wonder how well you can relax and tell him things?
As I said, I'm probably wrong, but it's what zoomed out of the page at me, on first glance

Xx

MythOfSisyphus

Good to see you back, Want2BMe. You're smart to see the writing on the wall now instead of later. It's not easy to get the toothpaste back in the tube sometimes. Best to quit while you're ahead!

I think meetings is a good plan. Are you thinking AA?

least

Welcome back! I'm glad you're giving it another go.

IOAA2

It's very common for alcoholics to think this way. Healthy thinking goes south.


For many years I've found meetings to save many peoples lives, it's a place where we understand each other with the chance to intermingle if we desire to, or just listen until we feel comfortable sharing as we do here.
BE WELL

Anna

I think what you are finding is that drinking is a symptom, so stopping the drinking is not enough to deal with the problem. That's where the hard part began for me. I had to change my thinking, my activities, people in my life, etc, in order to recover.

Want2BMe

Day 1. (Again.)

Myth, I was thinking AA. I'm not sure what other meetings are out there yet? I haven't looked up any others thus far.

Skye, my husband is nothing short of awesome and we've had some light conversation about my drinking before (at the time, maybe a month ago, I told him I didn't think I wanted to do meetings but I was concerned about my habits). We have a really good relationship - this is the only thing that I am hesitant about coming out to him with. I don't know what it is. I'm afraid that maybe if I say the word "alcoholic" I will change the way he treats me, or looks at me? I've read through the F&F forums and so many of them do not have happy endings with spouses, even if they are in recovery. It would kill me to lose him. Or, maybe I'm just afraid of the accountability?

I do think I have a tough time with work sometimes. I'm the type who needs to please, who needs approval...and I'm again in a job where you just can't make everyone happy and sometimes you are going to fail no matter what you do. I didn't mean to land here, but with my experience, it's the kind of job I got. However I feel like I can't leave, at least not yet. We've just moved to this area and I was very lucky to get a job that paid well with good benefits etc, and as far as I can tell I'm doing well at it. There is no drinking culture here, so I think that if I can just get my act together things will be ok in this area. I at least want to try.

Thanks to everyone for your responses! It's so nice to feel like someone is listening, and I can be totally honest about this awful demon of mine.

GroundhogDay

I agree with Skye. It might be a good idea to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to discuss the underlying issues contributing to your drinking.

KateL

Don't worry, just try and try again. I was like you for almost thirty years but I got there in the end.

Dee74

I could never commit to stopping because I knew my life would change immeasurably.
I was scared and that fear held me back.

In the end tho, I had no choice.

I don't know your husband, but you say he's perfect and wonderful - that doesn't sound like a guy who'd run away?

In the end of course it's your call.

I know I'd rather hear about something from my wife rather than have things go really bad and the truth, and my hiding it, be exposed.

while I'm one for honesty, it's also true that while you're mulling this over, you could always go to AA meetings in your lunch hour for a while?

You may feel better about yourself that way and less terrified to talk about it with your partner?

D

Hevyn

I'm very happy to see you back Want2B. You have some great advice already. We're all with you - and we know you can do this.

Want2BMe

Thanks everyone for the replies! I didn't realize how long my posts were until I went back to read the replies. Geez did I get long winded!

I would like to maybe step back and add that my posts may make me sound a bit dramatic? Using the phrase "it would kill me to lose him" was most certainly a figure of speech. Hubby treats me very well and is a very good person, but so am I, and it would suck if things didn't work out but life would go on. I do admit that I like to make people happy, and I do like to hear that I'm doing a good job at work, but I wouldn't say it's a crippling issue (the drinking around it, however, is.). I work as a manager in an events/customer service job and in this line of work it's true - you just can't make some people happy. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. At my last job I got used to drinking away the stress of dealing with panicky/angry/mean people. That is what I'd like to work on. I need to find some better coping methods.

Day 1 is winding down, I am going to get started on some nice dinner (loooove to cook!) and watch the World Series. Hope everyone has a good night!

CaiHong

Wanttobeme,
Welcome back. For me to give up I needed support, I got that through AA and SR. To be honest SR taught me more about alcoholism. The BB is an excellent life guide for me.

You are right you need to find a way to cope with life's stresses without having a drink.

I was thinking yesterday as I was feeling stressed out by family stuff,normally I would get drunk over this but even though I don't like the situation it will pass. I Was mentally able to step back a few paces. Was still angry, annoyed and the rest of it but being sober has given me that much needed space where I don't have to escape, to drink to cope.

I think you are more than capable of sorting out a solution that works for you.

CaiHong