jmh5

Hi there,

I have been in alanon for less than a year and have found it really, really helpful for me. I feel very new still (and learning lots) but I also remember what it is like to be new and overwhelmed.

I recently told two members about a beginners meeting that they could go to. Both of them went and then I saw one of them after and he asked to get my number. I said that was fine and that it was good to get other members numbers at the start so you can reach out to people. he started talking about wanting to catch up, was new to the city and didn't know many people and that he didn't really want to get male members numbers as that would be weird (warning bells) and I think he could sense my discomfort growing and said that he wasn't meaning in the romantic sense just wanted to catch or call me. My instinct, which I am starting to trust more. I said it is fine for him to call me about Alanon stuff and to also get other members numbers and try out a range of meetings. He wanted to know which meeting I was going to next and I deflected the question but did encourage him to go to some of the Adult Child meetings and told him some of those.

Looking back on the conversation he managed to get quite a bit of info from me and I know that I can be very trusting and just am open, but my instinct is saying steer clear.

I just got a phonecall from him then and he just wanted to chat, I kept on trying to talk about alanon and the program and he wanted to chat about my job and other stuff again I gave very loose answers. I just feel he needs to be connecting with far stronger and experienced members.

Not sure how to handle this - I think it is important to welcome newcomers but I am not feeling comfortable about our interaction and I want him to reach out to other people - any advice on future contact??

RhodeIsland

JMH5,

Who is the most important person in your life?

He could be a "dry" A who as with a more severe A - he could be a manipulator. What's clear is he doesn't respect your boundaries - therefore he doesn't respect you. Severing contact is what is health for you, and it may even benefit him. Best case scenario: He's more interested in you than seeking to fix himself - it's best for him if you sever contact and keep strict boundaries - he needs to focus on fixing himself. Worse case: He's a manipulator and he senses someone he can attach himself to.

Either way, someone like that is for the birds.

Ruby2

Hi jmh5,

I cannot comment on al anon meetings because I've not yet attended one but I have attended a bunch of AA meetings as I am alcoholic and it is usually recommended that you only exchange numbers with group members of the same sex.

I would agree that this guy is not respecting your boundaries which you have outlined for him. Can you feel comfortable telling him that don't want him to call you? The fact that he would not want the phone numbers of any male group members would send up red flags for me too. If you are not comfortable with him calling I would tell him not to call.

choublak

Hmm...at the meetings I've been to, they have a printed list of phone numbers of some of the long-time members, that they give to all the newcomers.

Upsetnneedhelp

This guy sounds lonely. I would follow your instincts and direct him to help elsewhere. He could even be dangerous. You never know with people these days.

NWGRITS

Generally it's recommended to keep outside conversation from new members to older members of the same sex, in order to avoid 13th Stepping. I forget whose signature has this, but it came from another member on the boards; "Dating is not a treatment modality." In other words, two sickies don't make a wellie. I would just tell him that he should probably contact a more experienced members, since you are still relatively new yourself and don't have as much experience in a mentor role. Which is all completely true.

Recovering2

Do you have a sponsor? I would discuss this with that person if you do. Sponsors are usually experienced and offer great insight.