Afterthought

Hello Friends:

I just wanted to stop by and say hi after lurking for the last few months and reading your stories and progress. I don't know if I would fit the criteria for 'alcoholic', but I do know that I have a problem with it (its just a label anyhow). I'm 37 years old, married, and have a beautiful little girl.

I started drinking on the weekends about four years ago (two bottles of wine a night), then quit for about a year, and then spurts of every night to only on the weekends depending on what was going on that week; generally not more than two bottles a night.

Then in the last year my wife and I moved into my mother/father-in-law's house to take care of them due to health problems. The stress of doing this and me going back to school in a competitive major/program (medicine) has at times had me drinking two bottles every night or on the weekend -- my usual dumb pattern!

About three weeks ago I decided that enough was enough, and that I had a problem. I attempted to limit my drinking and to this point have never gone longer than 4 days without giving in. The last go-around was today when I just had a drink after four days. I am starting to see the 'forest through the trees' and that I have a problem. I've become more accustomed to admitting it to myself and my wife. Now, if I can only make it past the four day mark without giving in to myself and running back to this blessed alcohol!

Thanks for listening,
Afterthought

Skye2

to the posting side of things

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Afterthought You'll find lots of support here x

Dee74

welcome to SR afterthought - you'll find a lot of support here

D

awuh1

Sounds like it’s time for a new plan. Going from lurking to posting is a good start.
All the best to you.

Hevyn

Pleased to meet you afterthought! This place has meant the world to me. It feels good to not be alone anymore.

Afterthought

You're right awuh1, it is time for a new plan. Obviously what I have been doing is not only destructive to myself, my career, my family, and my future plans but it also doesn't help any sort of social situation I am in either.

Thanks to everyone for being so welcoming. I look forward to learning and talking with each of you as I progress through this.

ZeldaFan

Welcome to the posting side of things! You can be completely open and honest here and be welcomed with open arms. I think you will find with the support of everyone here you will make it past that four day roadblock.

Afterthought

I guess my question after all of this is, "What are my next steps"? I know I have a problem with alcohol and I know that I don't want it to control me to the point that it already has. Do I find a 12-step program and start working the steps? Do I try moderation first? Do I go another route and start in-patient recovery (not really an option for various factors)?

A part of the problem that I have is alcohol abuse is really frowned upon in my chosen area of study. We get fingerprinted, drug tested, interviewed, background checks, credit checks -- you name it -- every so often as part of my continued education. If anyone would find out that I had let it progressed to this point, I am afraid it might mean I was kicked out of my program.

I have *never* treated a patient or gone to clinicals drunk, buzzed, or otherwise impaired for any reason. It is against my personal moral code. However, I don't want my drinking to progress to the point (thank God so far it hasn't) that I might get to that point. I couldn't live with myself if I was to hurt another human being in a clinical setting due to my alcohol abuse. Not to mention, I've told myself that I have invested too much time, money, energy, grades, and tears to let that sort of thing happen. Best laid schemes of mice and men I guess..

Anyhow.. thoughts?

least

to SR! I'd go with complete abstinence if I were you. No moderation, that's so hard to do for an alcoholic. Find a recovery program or method you like and go for it. I stay sober with the help of this site and my counselor. It's been working for me for nearly four years now.

Afterthought

Hi Least:

Thanks for your comment. I would like to think I could do it with the help of a counselor and SR. That would be completely ideal. I guess only time will tell if that is the case. The least amount of exposure for me professionally is best.

GotGrace

Welcome, Afterthought. We are glad to have you here! I agree with least, moderation for an alcoholic is like being a little bit pregnant: not possible. That's why we are alcoholics, we cannot moderate long term successfully.

You are doing a great, brave thing. Difficult, yes, but obviously you aren't afraid of doing difficult things judging from your career choice and desire to help your in-laws. You sound like a terrific person. You can do this!

Oh, and I know that my town has a "dry docs" AA meeting. I would guess many towns have such a meeting.

awuh1

In line with what GotGrace pointed out. There are also private meetings for professionals such as Judges, police officers etc. They offer an added level of anonymity. To see if there is this type of meeting in your area you can phone your local AA office and ask.

WhitePawn

Hey After--It's great that you are recognizing and looking for assistance at an early age.
Moderation is actually a very vicious circle, the more success you have at moderation then the more likely you are to believe that you can moderate in the future. But alcohol is an addictive drug (as you obviously know) and the problem will just get worst in the future.

I'm probably twice your age and my career field was also considered very sensitive to drug and alcohol abuse--we were even given random breath tests in the mornings.
So I had so many more rules for drinking that it just took longer for it to catch up to me.
I quit dozens of times using 'will power' and never made it past 10 days--most often I never made it past 4--but hey I was 'moderating'.

I'm only 4 weeks sober (25 year record) but I've been using tools like AVRT that I learned about on this forum. I'm confident for the first time in my life that I can finally control my drinking by just staying sober and not drinking.

SR is a great place to get inspiration and to learn how to quit--so take advantage of it and we'll all look forward to another success story.

DoubleDragons

Hi, Afterthought and welcome. You are wise to catch this when you can! I have stayed sober for the last 24 days, just staying checked into the SR forum daily and by reading many, many books and other forms of literature on alcohol abuse. Books that really spelled out the realities and statistics of the truths about alcohol really appealed to my logical thinking. I have come around to the idea that alcohol is a poison that really shouldn't be consumed by anybody if you look at it logically. You'll do great. I think admitting to ourselves that we indeed have a problem with alcohol is half the battle.

Afterthought

Thanks all (GotGrace, awuh1, WhitePawn, DoubleDragons, Zelda, Least, Hevyn, Dee, Hypo, Skye, and others). I think ya'll confirmed what I already knew in my heart -- going the moderation route is not the best choice I could make. I'm going to look into options tomorrow morning other than moderation. I've got a few names/numbers/contacts that I can easily reach to do that.

Thanks for the warm welcome and I will keep you all updated as to my progress. I feel better tonight (even though I have drank) than I have in a while due to your fellowship and encouragement.

I've poured what alcohol I do have down the sink. I'm praying tomorrow leads to something a little bit more 'sober' and that I can beat this 4 day monster!

Like2Hike

After 2 serious but failed attempts at sobriety I knew I needed a real plan. Part of this was a honest inventory of my strengths and weaknesses. My plan leverages strengths as well as addressing weak areas. In your case, Afterthought, your advanced medical knowledge of the damaging effects of high volumes of alcohol is a strength as well as the self discipline you own to accomplish your studies. I apologize if this comes across as preachy. It's just one of the tools that's been working in my journey.

Good luck with everything you're pursuing. I'll soon be 10 months without the shackles of alcohol and it's the greatest single gift I've ever given myself.

MIRecovery

Dr Bob was one of the founders of AA. I personally know 3 MDs and 4 nurses in AA. Give it a try and you will not get kicked out when u are doing something about your problem.

You sound like a pretty standard alcoholic to me

LittleSparrow

Welcome, Afterthought. It does sound like moderation isn't the way to go, otherwise you probably wouldn't have a problem getting past 4 days. Is there something that keeps happening within those 4 days that makes you go back to drinking? Maybe you can find a way to push past it to see how you feel on the fifth day, sixth day, etc. Also, it might help to put less emphasis on the four days---instead of going back to day zero and being discouraged, pick yourself up and take what you've learned each time you stopped/started to keep you moving ahead.

I just started looking into SMART Recovery and its tools. It's supposed to be secular and science-based, which might appeal to you as a med student. Just something to think about as a possible option. AVRT is another thing to look into. There are many paths, so you can see what works best for you. I'm only starting out myself, but posting and checking in on SR has been a huge help and everyone here is so supportive.

All the best to you.

Itchy

Welcome AT!
Look, why not do all you can and have available to you? Instead of giving reasons why you can't tell me how you can! That is the way that worked for me. I was bad enough that any amount of work was worth it. Any embarrassment I had evaporated once I knew I would. Not could in the wishing on a star quit tomorrow mode. As I realized I was running out of tomorrows, to waste by drinking today. I had years of "gonna quit tomorrow" and drinking to that with good intentions. I had such good feelings about myself I'd drink to myself until the morrow. I drank to my good intentions to quit tomorrow for several years after I realized I was committing slow suicide.

You said inpatient is not a possibility and I say don't rule out anything it may take. Otherwise you have a planned exit point from sobriety. But just organize all of them into least disagreeable to most. AA is free, anonymous because anybody who knows you has to admit they were there to see you. I couldn't do even one morning. I went through your stage decades ago. By the last two years I was comfortable financially, but had to drink scotch in my coffee until the shaking stopped then switched to beer until evening when the yeasty mouth dictated a switch to more acidic wine or mixed drinks.

So I did an in hospital 7 day detox, quit the follow on 28 day rehab at five days, third active day because I got there from detox on a Friday. Then I got into counseling but after I joined here, was pointed to AA for face to face and assured if I checked out multiple meetings I would find the perfect home group which I did. I dropped the counseling and used here and AA. Then dropped AA after three months because I had gotten all I needed from them. I remained friends with my home group and visit from time to time. Along the way I did lots of readings in SMART online, and watched some movies and documentaries. I already had training as a counselor in RET so had those basics down. Now, three years later just here.

My point is not to say do it my way, but to do your own needs analysis, and find every and all resources free and paid, in and outpatient, so you know every option, or tool, you can lay hands on if needed. Then if you need more add it. Or when one is done drop it.

Like a heart surgeon do you want the best equipped OR, or the field hospital depicted in M.A.S.H.?

Our sobriety may require little or vast investments of our focus and time, half vast efforts never cut it.