Lost and Confussed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bradenton, Florida
Posts: 4
Lost and Confussed
I'm so lost and confused. I'm not sure where to begin with everything that my addiction has done to my family and I. I have lost everything and I have no idea where to start with healing. I guess the first thing to do is admit I have an addiction. I know I'm an addict and that I'm powerless over it. I started taking Oxycodone in the beginning of 2009. I started selling them also to. Occasionally I would do cocaine also. My Dad would also do it with me. I was giving my pain medicine to him as well. He has RA and I know he is in a lot of pain. The police were called to my house on July 3rd, 2010. I was under the influence and CPS was called by the police and my daughter was taken by them. She was place with my dad. I still cant wrap my head around this. He was doing the same drugs I was and was given my daughter. He would not allow me to see my daughter. I was given a one hour visit with her a week at The Safe Children Coalition. My drug use got so worse. I was so depressed that I tried to kill myself in September 2010. I was told I would never get my daughter back because I was now mentally unstable. I found out I was pregnant in December 2010. My son never came home with me because I had a open CPS case. I was negative and so was my son of all drugs. I was told that I had to voluntarily terminate my rights to my daughter if I wanted to keep my son. I couldn't do it. How can you say you don't want one child to have the other? Ipretty much just stopped caring about everything after I lost both of my children. I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from July 3rd, 2010. I use numb my pain and have relieve from all the pain I have caused everyone. I feel that I don't deserve anything in life because of everything I have done. I never hurt my children. My daughter had everything she wanted and she is the love of my life. She still see's a Psychiatrist once a week. She is traumtized from being taken from me. I was a wonderful mother. I was being prescribed the medication. They didn't care, to CPS I was a drug addict and I lost everything. I was not a drug addict when I had my daughter. I'm now though. My dad wont let me see my daughter and my dad's boss has my son. Any advice on recovery would be great. I want to feel happy again. I just don't know if I can ever do that because of I don't have my children. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bradenton, Florida
Posts: 4
I have a few friends, but not much for support. My husband works half of the month in South Carolina. So I'm pretty much on my own.
Thank you for replying to me. I just want some advice or tips on how to do this.
Thank you for replying to me. I just want some advice or tips on how to do this.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here. There is hope.
Yet, if you don't recover and get better you might never get your kids. So the answer is to get off the drugs. Get clean then work on your relationship with your children.
The Salvation Army has rehab beds available to select individuals who want to get clean and sober. You might try contacting them.
Originally Posted by tmalrajabi 
Any advice on recovery would be great. I want to feel happy again. I just don't know if I can ever do that because of I don't have my children.
The Salvation Army has rehab beds available to select individuals who want to get clean and sober. You might try contacting them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bradenton, Florida
Posts: 4
I was sober for over 7 months in 2012. My Dad still will not let me have any contact with my her. He has a adopted her now and the State of Florida has involuntarily terminated my rights. I will never get my children back.
I have taken Subutex for the past three days to help with the withdrawals. What can I do mentally to make this easier? I have no motivation, I can't sleep at night. My thought process is different then before my drug abuse.
I know I have made horrible decisions that have changed me and my children's life forever. How do I move on though? I have to move in life, I'm not dead. I just don't know how to.
I have taken Subutex for the past three days to help with the withdrawals. What can I do mentally to make this easier? I have no motivation, I can't sleep at night. My thought process is different then before my drug abuse.
I know I have made horrible decisions that have changed me and my children's life forever. How do I move on though? I have to move in life, I'm not dead. I just don't know how to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
Hi and welcome tmalrajabi
Sounds like you have aready begun doing this by honestly admitting you have a problem and reached out...That is the first step.
It is the next step that has proven to be the most difficult for many...that one two fold and is not picking back up the problem and accepting the help that is offered.
Some real simple steps to help you and a whole lot of people that will encourage and support you. Are you willing to allow them? Are you willing to be teachable and willing to change what isn't working and try something different? There is only one thing you will be asked to change...only one...that is EVERYTHING...
and tho we say everything it boils down to the one and only thing you can change is you; attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, reactions; play grounds and play things...no one else, just you.
I couldn't do that by myself...I was too broken - too lost -too much opf a twisted wreck and that is where the blessing and gift of recovery comes in. I did not have to do any part of this journey alone. I also learned I had to do this journey for me, not for the job or the marriage or relationship, not for the parents or the children but for me. I didn't feel I was worth it or deserved it...but I had no other place to go...all other doors and options were no longer available...It was the last house on the block and I was in the desert dying of thirst. I was one of the walking dead.
I truly hope you do join us on this journey and learn to walk with us into the Sunlight of the Spirit ...There is a solution and there is hope
Sounds like you have aready begun doing this by honestly admitting you have a problem and reached out...That is the first step.
It is the next step that has proven to be the most difficult for many...that one two fold and is not picking back up the problem and accepting the help that is offered.
Some real simple steps to help you and a whole lot of people that will encourage and support you. Are you willing to allow them? Are you willing to be teachable and willing to change what isn't working and try something different? There is only one thing you will be asked to change...only one...that is EVERYTHING...
and tho we say everything it boils down to the one and only thing you can change is you; attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, reactions; play grounds and play things...no one else, just you. I couldn't do that by myself...I was too broken - too lost -too much opf a twisted wreck and that is where the blessing and gift of recovery comes in. I did not have to do any part of this journey alone. I also learned I had to do this journey for me, not for the job or the marriage or relationship, not for the parents or the children but for me. I didn't feel I was worth it or deserved it...but I had no other place to go...all other doors and options were no longer available...It was the last house on the block and I was in the desert dying of thirst. I was one of the walking dead.
I truly hope you do join us on this journey and learn to walk with us into the Sunlight of the Spirit ...There is a solution and there is hope
Lover of the Light
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 159
I'm so sorry for your heartache...sounds like you understand the next right thing to do is get clean and sober. Is inpatient rehab an option for you?
I recently completed inpatient with detox directly before. It was a beautiful struggle and taught me soooo much. I understand that this is not always an option but something to consider?
This acronym has lived on in my mind everyday since I heard it in rehab. HOPE. Hold On Pain Ends.
I recently completed inpatient with detox directly before. It was a beautiful struggle and taught me soooo much. I understand that this is not always an option but something to consider?
This acronym has lived on in my mind everyday since I heard it in rehab. HOPE. Hold On Pain Ends.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: north hollywood, ca
Posts: 70
You are taking the first steps by being Honest with yourself that you have a problem..I know it isn't easy, bc I have a good friend who is going through the same situation with her unborn child right now in the state of California.
Don't lose hope, make yourself a plan to get into an inpatient rehab program in your area and begin taking the steps to get your daughter back...I know there are quite a few advocates that can be utilized in these type of places that will provide you with the resources and information that you need to start the family reunification process.
It will take Time, but you cannot stop fighting for yourself and your children. Eventually you will get to the point where you will have to face the resentment and other feelings of betrayal that you have directed towards your father, but you must battle one thing at a time.
One option is to voluntarily admit yourself to an inpatient program where it can be documented and verified that you are getting clean and sober. Keep going to meetings and keep proof of everything. Take parenting classes and keep proof. Use community resources to find an advocate and get guidance on the family reunification process.
My friend here in California is facing the same issue with her sister. Her first daughter was born with meth in her system and was immediately put into the CPS system, her sister got rights to care for her child. She eventually got her daughter back, had another child, a boy, and years later she got into a domestic dispute with her boyfriend when the police were called. The police found residue in a pipe that belonged to the guy but it was in her apartment, so CPS took both her kids away. She had been clean for 4 years and never tested dirty, but CPS said the children were endangered due to the Domestic Violence. Her sister has had her kids for the past 18 months. Finally, she got into another domestic violence altercation with the same a**hole and she voluntarily admitted herself into a domestic violence/substance abuse shelter.
This is where she and I became friends. Well, she found out she is currently pregnant, 3 months. She is allowed to see her kids on the weekends, but her sister is fighting to adopt the children, and since already in the system the courts want to take her unborn child as well. She wants all her kids back so she petitioned the court for custody of her children. She recently came back from court, and the judge told her that once she completes the program at the end of the month, they will give her until Feb and return to court to see if she can live outside of a structured environment and not relapse. Also, they want to see if its in the childrens' best interest to be given back to her, the biological mother. Basically, can or can't she get a roof over her head, sustain a job, stay out of trouble, and most importantly, stay off of drugs.
My point is don't give up, anything is possible, keep fighting for your life and for your children. Find resources in your area and ask for help. Never never never Give Up! Everybody makes mistakes, You are Worth IT!!
Don't lose hope, make yourself a plan to get into an inpatient rehab program in your area and begin taking the steps to get your daughter back...I know there are quite a few advocates that can be utilized in these type of places that will provide you with the resources and information that you need to start the family reunification process.
It will take Time, but you cannot stop fighting for yourself and your children. Eventually you will get to the point where you will have to face the resentment and other feelings of betrayal that you have directed towards your father, but you must battle one thing at a time.
One option is to voluntarily admit yourself to an inpatient program where it can be documented and verified that you are getting clean and sober. Keep going to meetings and keep proof of everything. Take parenting classes and keep proof. Use community resources to find an advocate and get guidance on the family reunification process.
My friend here in California is facing the same issue with her sister. Her first daughter was born with meth in her system and was immediately put into the CPS system, her sister got rights to care for her child. She eventually got her daughter back, had another child, a boy, and years later she got into a domestic dispute with her boyfriend when the police were called. The police found residue in a pipe that belonged to the guy but it was in her apartment, so CPS took both her kids away. She had been clean for 4 years and never tested dirty, but CPS said the children were endangered due to the Domestic Violence. Her sister has had her kids for the past 18 months. Finally, she got into another domestic violence altercation with the same a**hole and she voluntarily admitted herself into a domestic violence/substance abuse shelter.
This is where she and I became friends. Well, she found out she is currently pregnant, 3 months. She is allowed to see her kids on the weekends, but her sister is fighting to adopt the children, and since already in the system the courts want to take her unborn child as well. She wants all her kids back so she petitioned the court for custody of her children. She recently came back from court, and the judge told her that once she completes the program at the end of the month, they will give her until Feb and return to court to see if she can live outside of a structured environment and not relapse. Also, they want to see if its in the childrens' best interest to be given back to her, the biological mother. Basically, can or can't she get a roof over her head, sustain a job, stay out of trouble, and most importantly, stay off of drugs.
My point is don't give up, anything is possible, keep fighting for your life and for your children. Find resources in your area and ask for help. Never never never Give Up! Everybody makes mistakes, You are Worth IT!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Bradenton, Florida
Posts: 4
Thank you all for understanding. I to feel so broken that I don't know where to turn. I haven't seen my mother in four years and my dad will not help me. I'm going to have to do this on my own. I don't think I can get my children back seeing that they have been adopted by dad and his boss. I have to have love for myself to do this. Is NA a good place to start? I hope I can do this on my own.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: north hollywood, ca
Posts: 70
NA is a GREAT place to start your journey of healing and loving yourself, its an arduous journey, nonetheless, it is possible to live a great life. You can bounce back from anything life throws at you!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
welcome tmalrajabi 
like others have said the way out of the mess is to stay clean.
If you're interested in it, I think NA might be a good step forward for you
You'll find a lot of support here too - feel free to join our Class of October thread
like others have said the way out of the mess is to stay clean.
If you're interested in it, I think NA might be a good step forward for you
You'll find a lot of support here too - feel free to join our Class of October thread
to SR! I'm glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. 
Get clean first and then try to sort this out. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Welcome!
I agree that you need to focus on getting off the drugs and getting your life together. I don't think you should give up on your children. At least, you could have a relationship with them as they get older.
I agree that you need to focus on getting off the drugs and getting your life together. I don't think you should give up on your children. At least, you could have a relationship with them as they get older.
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