ChillGal

Well I'm into the anger thing again. We had such a wonderful weekend and then he goes to his Sunday morning AA walk/meeting and I get phone calls from a woman who won't leave a message and hangups while he is out. I confront him and his response is that he can't control what others do. I sometimes feel that he is just using the AA and Alanon slogans to make me think that there is nothing going on. I am going nuts. I know I can't control him but of course I don't control my anger and everything blows up and I don't know what is real and what Iam making up anymore. I go for a walk about 4 miles to the nearest coffee shop. I was going to walk to the nearest meeting but is was about 3 more miles away. I brought my one day at a time book with me and read for about an hour and walk back. I feel good for about 15 minutes and then the anger is back. Nothing seems to work right now. I am afraid that it is me that is ruining our relationship because I can't trust him or get over my anger at him. I still feel used. Am I going crazy? Why is it that my happiness still depends on what HE is doing? I guess I want a quick fix. I know there isn't one but I want it anyway. He is also going to counselling. He suggested marriage counselling but I have to wait until he is finished his counselling. It just doesn't make sense to me. By the time he is over his counselling I will probably be in the nuthouse. I go to bed instead of creating more havoc. It seems like he is trying so hard and I am just trying to punish him over and over. It is driving me NUTS. Sorry I just have to rant about it.

JT

The best thing you said was that you went to bed instead of creating more havoc. That one simple thing is where you start. You will not change until you change. It feels unnatural at first but so does anything you are not accustom to doing. Feeling anger is one thing but expressing it unproductively is another thing entirely.

Hugs and Duct Tape,
JT

Magichappens

Hey ChillGal,
Have you thought about going to your own counselor? I go to individual counseling, and it has helped a lot. Also talking to my sponsor helps keep me from really getting caught up in the obsessive thinking. Of course venting here has helped too. Hugs, Magic

ChillGal

MH
Yes I have thought about my own counselling but you know the old take care thing. His comes first and the money only goes so far. Why does his come first. I don't know and right now I'm am just tired of the whole thing. I feel sometimes it is just not worth the effort anymore. Being alone just might be the only way out of all this confusion.

Magichappens

I know that it seems like someone else is always the problem. I am not saying to stay or go in the relationship you have now, but I have found that I have to work on myself, or I will continue to make the same choices and end up in the same predicaments. It has helped me to use self help books, the alanon meetings, the steps, and anything I can do to help me to recover. There is a lot of things available that can help us when we are ready to start recovering. I got to the point where I felt I didn't have anything to lose by focussing on me. Mr Magic almost died of an overdose, and I figured that focussing on myself couldn't take much away from a relationship with a person who was going to die. By seeking my own recovery, I have a better relationship with him today. If I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have any relationship with him. It was worth the risk. Focussing on my recovery (working the 12 steps and going to Alanon) I am no longer confused about my life, and who I am. Hugs, Magic

dax

You are every bit as important as he is . When my H and I went into counseling when I discovered his affair with a woman in AA we had several individual counseling sessions with the same counselor and then had joint counseling. If you wait for him to get better, you may be nuts by then.And yes he will use those AA sloans against you to quell any suspicions over the woman calling. Mine did the same to me."just an AA friend" If his counselor says you must wait, GET YOUT OWM!!!!!!yOUR SANITY IS AT STAKE HERE. HUGS DAX

ChillGal

I guess I don't feel it is some one else's problem, just that it takes so much work and I have come to realize that I don't want to do the steps and that is where my anger comes from. I feel that my A is a better person than me because he can face all his faults. I guess I blame him for that. I don't want to tell other people in person what my faults are. I find that Alanon meetings make me feel like I am a bad person because of my anger. I still want to keep it all hidden. How can you get past it? I find when I leave a meeting I just feel like I can't do this and it makes me feel small. I get depressed thinking about how I am such a rotten person. How can this help me if all I do is think about it all the time. I get so anxious about going that from one week to the next it is all I think about. Others here seem to have so much of what I used to be going through that even writing this makes me feel like I am complaining. I gues I just like the easy way out. That would be to leave and continue to deny my own feelings. My A tells me I have to stop thinking. How do you stop thinking and try to enjoy things when you are always feeling like you are never going to get there?

dax

Don't do the steps. Go to a meeting only IF YOU WANT to. I think that the spouse of an alcoholic can do fine without working the steps. The main thing to remember is you cna't control what he does so try not to let it bother you. Make your own life. alanon was very helpful in giving me the building blocks but I found more peace in doing things with friends who had similar interests- my horseback riding friends, cat friends, turtle friends. I like to discuss animals not my husbands alcoholism. He got sober andd he was gone a lot to meetings. So I was gone a lot riding my horses. Make your own life. Your alcoholic spouse should work his program and leave you alone. You are angry because you have been put through hell. You are a good person trying to find peace. Find somthing other tham your husband you have a passion for and persue it.. Some people have lived so long in a terrible alcoholic marriage, they have no regular friends. these are the people who seem to do best long term in alanon. They find friends who have been in a similar situation. Others go to alanon until things settle down with the now sober A and they move on to a more noraml life. This is just my opinion fromn 25 years of being in and out of alanon. HUGS TO YOU- A GREAT PERSON. DAX

Magichappens

I am going to get there. I am working the steps and working with my sponsor. I have a direction and it's getting better. It takes work. I don't want to stay where I was. If that takes some struggling, so be it. I have stopped condemning myself for the way I am. I know that by turning my life over to God, and the program and being willing to work through the steps, I will get better. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I want to learn to do things differently. Today I take responsibility for my own life, happiness, and serenity. I will get there. Hugs, Magic

Nightowl

Chill, I think I am where you are. I just want my A SO to leave so all this pain will stop. I am tired of working at things. I had a crap marriage for 17 years and it nearly killed me. Left me a shell of a woman. Now I find someone who is so good to me and for me......but he's an A. Geez, it's always something. People keep telling me I make poor choices. Mabye I do. They keep telling me I need counseling...maybe I do. But I'm tired. I just want to live a simple, quiet life without all this cr** in my life. Why is it so hard?

Well, I am going to a new program today. I suffer anxiety attacks bad. Am on meds for high blood pressure and since things with my A have gotten worse....the anxiety has gotten worse. So I am consulting with a Psych. on meds today and will be seeing a behavior mod counselor later on. I just want all this pain to go away. I feel like a sissy telling my A SO to leave...I can't handle it. I feel like I am throwing away what could be a good relationship. But I HATE his drinking and I HATE him when he drinks. And he doesn't want to hear about it AT ALL. so unfair.

I know what you mean. But like Magic says....we can get there.....just start slowly. As to the meetings. I don't know...I haven't been to one yet as I am sure my A SO will blow a gasket.

myles1

Can you cut back on cou8nselling with him or for him to free up some money for you?

Ngaire

I think there is a web-site for recovering from infidelity.

JT

Chill...you can hide all you want. You can deny that it is him or you can blame yourself. But trust me here. If you leave him you are taking yourself with you. You are taking you and your poor self esteem and your history with you. It is not something that is going to go away. The pain you are feeling is self induced and the only one that can fix it is you. 'nuff said.

Oh sorry Chill guess not. About telling people what is wrong with me?? I have a support system that I have developed that I can say anything to. I cannot trust my own thinking and from the sound of you you shouldn't either. My reality always has to be held up to the people I trust so I can be sure I am staying on course. That is friendship and it requires trust.

Nightowl...you had one bad marriage and walked right back into another one. What is that about...who is the common denominator?

Me? I fixed me and I am a continual work in progress. I am happy in spite of an alcoholic son in jail, a motherless grandson and an alcoholic husband. I no longer blame myself and I no longer blame them...it just is. I have choices and so do you...sorry for my rant but that lay down and take it attitude is something I could never ever live with.

JT

dax

Just tired- you seem to have your act together. Why do you stay with a man who continues to drink. I was about to leave my husband 25 years ago when he got sober. Just curious. to me it was not worth the effort needed each day to try to fight for your sanity. I did not want to have to attend numerous meetings just to be happy. Life is too short. I would rather be horseback riding. dax

Ann

Chill

Ditto to what JT said so wisely. Just make your life about you, and it will get better.

Hugs
Ann

myles1

We have choices in our life.

Ngaire

stressedout

( if you leave you are taking yourself with you) WOW! JT did that really hit me in the head, I have been involved with many bad relationships mostly picking people that are full of problems, I guess I think I can fix them,dont know, but I do know Im tired of fixing!!! I guess I need to take this energy and fix myself first. Im not so sure how Im going to do that yet, I thought after 2yrs of counceling Id have an idea, even if I left I would still pick some sap!! to fix, maybe some time on my own to work on me will help(in or out of the marriage). This really gave me something to think about
Thanks
Hugs to All
Debbie

ChillGal

I guess you are ALL right. I just find it so hard to face. I am now having nightmares and waking up from them. Today I didn't go to work. I guess its scares me to think that if I go to counselling that 10 years from now I'll still be going to counselling. But I have to get working and we have a counselling line through work and I just "might" call tomorrow. I am also going to try the ACOA meeting tomorrow night. Well that's the way I feel right now. Hopefully I will feel that way tomorrow too. I didn't like JT's statement about hiding all you want. That is right and I have to start seeking. Thanks for all the wonderful support.

rivercitybelle

Remember... one day at a time...

JT

Chill...keep it simple. It only seems huge if you look at it all at once. One small thing at a time. One behavior at a time. For me, I couldn't do the Acoa stuff until I worked on me. It just hurt too much. I couldn't and wouldn't go there. Today I can because I have done some forgiving and made my amends and also forgiven myself. I was frightened of it just like you.

Your comment about still being in counselling 10 years from now caught my eye. I have been in recovery for over 10 years (no counselling, just meetings, literature and a sponsor...now here) and it just keeps getting better. I am still growing. I probably thought the same as you 10 years ago but if I hadn't done what I did then I would not be where I am today...I would still be back there beating myself up. Once I started looking inside, practiced some of what I was told and started seeing some results I was hooked.

I can't change other people but I can change ME!

Hugs,
JT