Happy endings?

Old 10-23-2013, 07:50 AM
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Happy endings?

Hi everyone. I'm in a pretty huge emotional struggle right now and I'm interested in stories with happy endings. Whether you've decided to stay with an A or part ways, is there anyone out there that is "on the other side" of this misery that wants to share their story?
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:04 AM
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I'd love to see some too!

The only happy endings I can remember reading about are after the A is out of the picture. =-(
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:08 AM
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The thing is though, the recovering A could relapse at any time. I know one man whose wife decided to drink again after 27 years of sobriety.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:12 AM
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That cuts to the heart of it choublak. Staying with a RA is like living with a guillotine poised over your head for the rest of the relationship...or at least, that's what I'd imagine it to be like.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:15 AM
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Maybe you will appreciate these threads?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ace-board.html

This comes up every few months on the baord, and there have been some great posts in these threads.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:18 AM
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Originally Posted by ResignedToWait View Post
That cuts to the heart of it choublak. Staying with a RA is like living with a guillotine poised over your head for the rest of the relationship...or at least, that's what I'd imagine it to be like.
Well, I think it depends on the individual.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:19 AM
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My dad is the alcoholic. Back in my teens, my mom had had enough and kicked him out of the house (after attending Al-Anon for a while). He finally got the message and agreed to treatment. He was committed and successful in maintaining sobriety, but my mom had drawn a firm boundary. He remained out of the house for almost 3 years before they decided to get back together. They are still together to this day and he has over 27 years of continuous sobriety and they have over 50 years of marriage.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:19 AM
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Another huge factor is if there are young children in the picture.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:21 AM
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Originally Posted by ResignedToWait View Post
That cuts to the heart of it choublak. Staying with a RA is like living with a guillotine poised over your head for the rest of the relationship...or at least, that's what I'd imagine it to be like.
It CAN be that way, if you choose to. For a long time, I did.

Now I just worry about me & since I have learned to define my self-worth & happiness outside of our relationship I know I can overcome a relapse. I can't control it if it were to happen, but I can keep myself from going over the edge with him if that's what he chooses, kwim?

None of that means I love him any less, in fact, I think I can argue that it's the highest form of love to just stay out of his way & let him make his own decisions & deal with his own consequences.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Jd77 View Post
Hi everyone. I'm in a pretty huge emotional struggle right now and I'm interested in stories with happy endings. Whether you've decided to stay with an A or part ways, is there anyone out there that is "on the other side" of this misery that wants to share their story?
I have been seperated from my AW for over 2 1/2 years now. I am working a strong program and am I am in a much place than I was.

I left because I was at the point where it hurt more to stay than it did to leave. At that poin we had been married 36 years. I hope she finds recovery and happiness but I know in my heart I could never trust her again. Too many recoveries, detoxes, and everything else.

I have my own recovery to work on. I can honestly say it does get better. I have self esteem again and a good relationship with myself. I am happy and content.

I don't know if this is what you are looking for but you can at least rebuild your own life and find serenity. For me that was enough.

Your friend,
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:43 AM
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Sometimes, I think the happy ending may be moving on and finding a love for yourself and possible someone else someday. I'm just afraid all this hurt and pain will make me never trust anyone again...
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Old 10-23-2013, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Jd77 View Post
Sometimes, I think the happy ending may be moving on and finding a love for yourself
I think you may be onto something here, JD...
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Old 10-23-2013, 09:20 AM
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The ending of my alcoholic marriage was anything but happy.
The new beginning it allowed me and my children is, though.
I'd be lying if I say once the A was out of the picture it's all rainbows and ponies.
It's not.

But it's LIFE. It's life in all its beautiful and painful moments, life with rainy Tuesdays with a leaking roof and fishsticks for dinner and gorgeous sunsets on the way home from work when the kids are singing along to the radio in the back seat. It's LIFE the way it is for "normal" people. Plus the internal cleanup work you have to do after X years with an alcoholic.

Trust? I do think you're onto something. Like Firesprite said in another post (I'm so glad that post was bumped today):

Trust is not really about the other person, trust has to start inside you... trust means trusting yourself to be OK no matter what anyone around you does or doesn't do. Knowing, deep down, that you will always be able to handle what comes your way no matter how difficult things seem at times.
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Old 10-23-2013, 10:16 AM
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I agree that you need to trust yourself to be ok, no matter what but at some point you'll want to trust someone else again. How do you do that, especially coming from an A relationship where a lot of lies were told to you?
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Old 10-23-2013, 10:20 AM
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Trust yourself first. Trusting others will be a natural consequence.
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Old 10-23-2013, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Jd77 View Post
I agree that you need to trust yourself to be ok, no matter what but at some point you'll want to trust someone else again. How do you do that, especially coming from an A relationship where a lot of lies were told to you?
It comes naturally, like SparkleKitty pointed out. When I trust myself I read the cues from others more accurately & know when I can/can't trust them. (for the most part)

For me, trust in others stems from their actions, not their words. Rebuilding trust with my RAH is based around this - when he walks his talk it makes an impact, otherwise it's just a bunch of
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Old 10-23-2013, 10:55 AM
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It has been three months since I changed the locks on my AH while he was off on yet another bender. So far in these last three months I have accomplished more than I have in the last three years. Household projects are getting done. I found my smile and apparently I love to laugh. The house smells good and not like a distillary. All the things that I had been putting off are now getting done. Instead of spending all of my energy trying to help someone I am spending it on me. It feels great. I feel accomplished!
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Old 10-23-2013, 11:58 AM
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I went to a new Al-Anon meeting recently. There were 3 people there who were still married to their A's, and each of the A's had been sober at least 20 years. One of them had been sober 27 years. I don't know the stories of each of these couples, but this sounds pretty darn successful to me.

For me, I'm learning to find my success in small doses. My AH has been sober for 5 weeks now. I feel like I've found my best friend again. I'm cautiously optimistic for the future knowing that he could relapse at any time. There's no guarantee that he won't. However, I must also think about how ANYTHING could happen to anyone at anytime. I could be married to a sober guy who gets a devastating illness etc etc. I try not to obsess over what might happen as I forget enjoy what I have now.

Best to you Jd77!
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Old 10-23-2013, 12:26 PM
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I agree that you need to trust yourself to be ok, no matter what but at some point you'll want to trust someone else again. How do you do that, especially coming from an A relationship where a lot of lies were told to you?
It's not easy.
But I think you kind of get to a point where you feel like the fear of being burned again is less important than the opportunity to really gain a meaningful relationship?

I'm still learning. I'm remarried, and I trust my husband completely. And yet, I get those moments of astonishingly stupid distrust -- like when he volunteers to run to the store at 11 pm because we're out of orange juice and the thought appears in my head: "He's probably meeting some hot chick at Walmart at 11 pm." Yeah, likely? Ha!

But for me, it's important to acknowledge those thoughts and hold them up to the daylight so I can see that it's just my brain creating problems based on prior experiences.

My therapist likes to remind me that experiences build pathways in our brains to teach us what to expect. So if we've been cheated on or lied to, we tend to expect that from people until we have built up enough evidence to the contrary. So part of it is just time, putzing along with this thing called life and gathering enough evidence to trust.
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Old 10-23-2013, 05:07 PM
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Wow, lilamy. I really needed to read that. I think those were good words for me to hear.
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