I can see a hard day ahead :(
The Kid
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 90
I can see a hard day ahead :(
Hey guys, don't mean to be the guy that posts every few hours but I can see a really tough day coming up for me and I feel like if I post here first about it, I'll handle it better than how I normally do.
Normally when me and my girlfriend have a little falling out I'd hit the bottle but I haven't done that in a while. I think the relationship is kind of coming to an end, although I don't want it to, it'll probably be me that ends it. Lately I feel like she doesn't make an effort and for a while I've felt that I'm in a relationship with someone that just tolerates me rather than actually wants to be with me. We've spoken about this a lot and she's only ever apologised and said that she'll make an effort but nothings really changed and I spend a lot of my time just sitting around feeling bad and wondering what I've done to make her act like this. When I was drunk all the time I used to get worked up over it and then put that down to my drinking but now that I'm sober I'm a bit more in touch with myself. A few months ago, the relationship was amazing but now I just don't feel like I'm important at all. I've read a few letters and old conversations and back then I could tell that I mattered to her but now I feel like I'm just someone she had to see on a regular basis. She's been telling me that it's because she works all the time, but even back then when she could only spare a few minutes to talk to me she made it count and I felt loved but now she'd either not speak to me or just tell me she's busy.
She said that she's unhappy and that's maybe why she's acting like this which is why I'm still here. When we first started dating I was really depressed and she stuck around but I never pushed her out like this and she always felt like she mattered to me (because she did) but lately I'm not convinced and this is really grinding on me. I really needed to get this said because it's the first sort of sad event I've had to deal with without a liquid companion and I really don't want to cave because of it. I feel like people can go through this without drinking and so can I. I'd welcome anything from some advice to just some friendly words of encouragement right now as I'm really at a loss here and don't know what to do. She's coming over to my place later tonight and we've spoken about it before and nothings changed so I think I'll just see how this goes and then make a decision about what to do next tomorrow.
Best wishes
-ENC
Normally when me and my girlfriend have a little falling out I'd hit the bottle but I haven't done that in a while. I think the relationship is kind of coming to an end, although I don't want it to, it'll probably be me that ends it. Lately I feel like she doesn't make an effort and for a while I've felt that I'm in a relationship with someone that just tolerates me rather than actually wants to be with me. We've spoken about this a lot and she's only ever apologised and said that she'll make an effort but nothings really changed and I spend a lot of my time just sitting around feeling bad and wondering what I've done to make her act like this. When I was drunk all the time I used to get worked up over it and then put that down to my drinking but now that I'm sober I'm a bit more in touch with myself. A few months ago, the relationship was amazing but now I just don't feel like I'm important at all. I've read a few letters and old conversations and back then I could tell that I mattered to her but now I feel like I'm just someone she had to see on a regular basis. She's been telling me that it's because she works all the time, but even back then when she could only spare a few minutes to talk to me she made it count and I felt loved but now she'd either not speak to me or just tell me she's busy.
She said that she's unhappy and that's maybe why she's acting like this which is why I'm still here. When we first started dating I was really depressed and she stuck around but I never pushed her out like this and she always felt like she mattered to me (because she did) but lately I'm not convinced and this is really grinding on me. I really needed to get this said because it's the first sort of sad event I've had to deal with without a liquid companion and I really don't want to cave because of it. I feel like people can go through this without drinking and so can I. I'd welcome anything from some advice to just some friendly words of encouragement right now as I'm really at a loss here and don't know what to do. She's coming over to my place later tonight and we've spoken about it before and nothings changed so I think I'll just see how this goes and then make a decision about what to do next tomorrow.
Best wishes
-ENC
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
From what I've read I'd say let her have her freedom and you take care of yourself for now. Let her make the next steps in the relationship, without any pressure from you. This will tell you a lot about how she really feels about your relationship and will give you some time to take care of yourself. It sounds like you deserve someone who wants to be around and loves you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
The beauty of SR if you can post as much as you want and need to! I think the longer you are in recovery the more you will learn that relationship-related issues cause many people to relapse. That is why some 12-step programs suggest not getting in to a relationship until you have a year under your belt. While I myself am in a relationship and I need to do what I need to do to maintain my recovery, I'm not going to make any major changes in my life for my first year (one month to go!). Take care of you!
The Kid
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by Bilr44 
From what I've read I'd say let her have her freedom and you take care of yourself for now. Let her make the next steps in the relationship, without any pressure from you. This will tell you a lot about how she really feels about your relationship and will give you some time to take care of yourself. It sounds like you deserve someone who wants to be around and loves you.
thank you, friend
Originally Posted by soberclover
The beauty of SR if you can post as much as you want and need to! I think the longer you are in recovery the more you will learn that relationship-related issues cause many people to relapse. That is why some 12-step programs suggest not getting in to a relationship until you have a year under your belt. While I myself am in a relationship and I need to do what I need to do to maintain my recovery, I'm not going to make any major changes in my life for my first year (one month to go!). Take care of you!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi ElijahNoahColt.
Relationships change, people develop separate interests, and introducing sobriety is a massive change for both people.
It's easy to be in a relationship and get along well when things are going well. When life shows up, we need to make difficult choices around prioritizing our time, how and when we're going to use our limited energy, and ensuring that we have time for ourselves, no matter what it is we do during that time.
Husbands frequently complain of a lack of sex after the birth of the couple's first child and then following any subsequent births. Research demonstrates that the best way to wreck your love life is to move in together; if you're interested in obliterating it, get married. These are not clichès or jokes; they are reliable findings in scientific studies that reflect the behaviors of the general population.
My only point is that every relationship goes through often unpredictable ebbs and flows during which one or both partners feel unloved, dismissed and even neglected. The reason we choose a person to be with is because we believe that they'll stick with us, be there for us during difficult times, and not run away whenever there is trouble...unless the trouble includes obvious neglect or abuse. Our society places a value on this: God help you if you're not there when your wife is giving birth.
It's during these times that the relationship is put to the test. Everyone's dizzy with love during courtship. Everyone's giddy when we start making plans for a future together. And everyone's riding a pink cloud on their honeymoon (at least one would hope so); getting along while managing the often competing demands that come with living life is the challenge.
People leave or end relationships for this reason all the time. If I don't feel like I'm going crazy insane in love, then the relationship must be over. I'd bet lots of folks here have known people who jump from one relationship to another at some time in their lives when the honeymoon is over. This pattern is very hurtful for both parties.
I don't know all the specifics of your relationship...how you met, the time you've been together, and any plans about how you wanted the relationship to go in the beginning...but I've seen this problem time and again in the twenty years I've been doing couples therapy. And often, therapy is exactly what they need to get back on track.
Relationships change, people develop separate interests, and introducing sobriety is a massive change for both people.
It's easy to be in a relationship and get along well when things are going well. When life shows up, we need to make difficult choices around prioritizing our time, how and when we're going to use our limited energy, and ensuring that we have time for ourselves, no matter what it is we do during that time.
Husbands frequently complain of a lack of sex after the birth of the couple's first child and then following any subsequent births. Research demonstrates that the best way to wreck your love life is to move in together; if you're interested in obliterating it, get married. These are not clichès or jokes; they are reliable findings in scientific studies that reflect the behaviors of the general population.
My only point is that every relationship goes through often unpredictable ebbs and flows during which one or both partners feel unloved, dismissed and even neglected. The reason we choose a person to be with is because we believe that they'll stick with us, be there for us during difficult times, and not run away whenever there is trouble...unless the trouble includes obvious neglect or abuse. Our society places a value on this: God help you if you're not there when your wife is giving birth.
It's during these times that the relationship is put to the test. Everyone's dizzy with love during courtship. Everyone's giddy when we start making plans for a future together. And everyone's riding a pink cloud on their honeymoon (at least one would hope so); getting along while managing the often competing demands that come with living life is the challenge.
People leave or end relationships for this reason all the time. If I don't feel like I'm going crazy insane in love, then the relationship must be over. I'd bet lots of folks here have known people who jump from one relationship to another at some time in their lives when the honeymoon is over. This pattern is very hurtful for both parties.
I don't know all the specifics of your relationship...how you met, the time you've been together, and any plans about how you wanted the relationship to go in the beginning...but I've seen this problem time and again in the twenty years I've been doing couples therapy. And often, therapy is exactly what they need to get back on track.
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