Not sure what to title this thread, but desperate for replies of some kind
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Not sure what to title this thread, but desperate for replies of some kind
I'm not sure of the title of this thread so I guess I will title it after I write it. I am hanging on my a thread and I have not gone to alanon yet because my AH entered rehab on 10/7 and while I have the support of my family, I don't really feel comfortable asking more of them right such as coming to my house for me to go to a 7:30 pm meeting because that is all I can seem to find, none during lunch, or maybe I am making excuses. I can't wait to go to Alanon - I have known of it and I think it will be helpful to me. It's hard enough to manage what I have (2 small kids) and I get home close to 6 pm from work but to be honest with you, this board scares the life out of me.
Yes, my AH has gone to alcohol to self medicate and has made a mess of our almost 7 year marriage. He has lied, verbally abused, thrown things, destroyed things and has grabbed me up a few times. No I am not in denial, I am not making excuses. But I was. He came up with all kinds of reasons why his life was not working and tried very hard to "solve" those problems just to come right back around to alcohol and I have gone on for the ride - until I stopped.
My life right now is a black hole of questions, anxiety, confusion anger and sadness. However I do commit to being open honest and willing as it relates to my marriage and what it could be. I know I have a long road to recovery, I know I have a lot of work to do and I know that I do with - or without him. I hope for it to be with him. But I feel like the veterans on this board are going to tell me to run for the hills. Or that I'll be back reporting how I left him. But I have nowhere else to go right now but here. And I am not looking to offend anyone either. I'm just scared and not doing well at all. I'm dizzy with anguish.
His primary therapist (with short conversations I have had) says my husband is doing "well". I am sure that means "given the circumstances" and I'm sure that means "well" for being "an addict" - I have talked to my husband very briefly a few times I do like how he "sounds" given the circumstances and I sense.. and he has said he is embracing this, he is learning a lot, is meeting a lot of great people and even said "yesterday there was a speaker about handling emotions and it was "phenomenal" - I don't think my husband has ever used the word "phenomenal"- that I have heard. His demeanor sounds calm, he sounds focused and I think I trust that in this moment, in this time frame, he has had an awakening. But of course I don't know that for sure and I don't know tomorrow will bring. He went on his own. I did not threaten him or give him an ultimatum although I would be naive if I thought he didn't know it was there - even it if was unspoken -or he truly hit his rock bottom,or all combined.
I think he did hit rock bottom because I watched the doctor suggest rehab (a doctors apt my husband made on his own) and I watched silently as my husband cried his heart out. I did not say a word. I did put my hand on his arm and I said "it's ok.." because although I may be a codependent I am a human being. And I did not find any real joy in his true raw anguish. Although I think I did feel some relief which lead me to be able to put my hand on his arm and say "it's ok"...My husband is held in high regard at work, his A never interfered with his job, at least not to where it was obvious. Maybe he had many foggy mornings but he is held in high regard and his company is supporting him 100% and they look forward to his return.
His primary said he thought he would recommend my AH to outpatient after the 30 days, that he does not feel hit fits the criteria of needing additional inpatient (or whatever the 8:30 to 4:30 type program is called) He feels my husband can return to work and go to this program after work a few days a week, along with meetings, etc.
I will see him for the first time on Saturday for our 45 min "family session" which I guess is part progress, part therapeutic and part what happens next.
I'm just a mess. I think I would like to post my cost letter. I think I would like someone to read it, but not people that I "KNOW". I know I'm rambling. I'm just going to hit post now. thanks for reading...
Yes, my AH has gone to alcohol to self medicate and has made a mess of our almost 7 year marriage. He has lied, verbally abused, thrown things, destroyed things and has grabbed me up a few times. No I am not in denial, I am not making excuses. But I was. He came up with all kinds of reasons why his life was not working and tried very hard to "solve" those problems just to come right back around to alcohol and I have gone on for the ride - until I stopped.
My life right now is a black hole of questions, anxiety, confusion anger and sadness. However I do commit to being open honest and willing as it relates to my marriage and what it could be. I know I have a long road to recovery, I know I have a lot of work to do and I know that I do with - or without him. I hope for it to be with him. But I feel like the veterans on this board are going to tell me to run for the hills. Or that I'll be back reporting how I left him. But I have nowhere else to go right now but here. And I am not looking to offend anyone either. I'm just scared and not doing well at all. I'm dizzy with anguish.
His primary therapist (with short conversations I have had) says my husband is doing "well". I am sure that means "given the circumstances" and I'm sure that means "well" for being "an addict" - I have talked to my husband very briefly a few times I do like how he "sounds" given the circumstances and I sense.. and he has said he is embracing this, he is learning a lot, is meeting a lot of great people and even said "yesterday there was a speaker about handling emotions and it was "phenomenal" - I don't think my husband has ever used the word "phenomenal"- that I have heard. His demeanor sounds calm, he sounds focused and I think I trust that in this moment, in this time frame, he has had an awakening. But of course I don't know that for sure and I don't know tomorrow will bring. He went on his own. I did not threaten him or give him an ultimatum although I would be naive if I thought he didn't know it was there - even it if was unspoken -or he truly hit his rock bottom,or all combined.
I think he did hit rock bottom because I watched the doctor suggest rehab (a doctors apt my husband made on his own) and I watched silently as my husband cried his heart out. I did not say a word. I did put my hand on his arm and I said "it's ok.." because although I may be a codependent I am a human being. And I did not find any real joy in his true raw anguish. Although I think I did feel some relief which lead me to be able to put my hand on his arm and say "it's ok"...My husband is held in high regard at work, his A never interfered with his job, at least not to where it was obvious. Maybe he had many foggy mornings but he is held in high regard and his company is supporting him 100% and they look forward to his return.
His primary said he thought he would recommend my AH to outpatient after the 30 days, that he does not feel hit fits the criteria of needing additional inpatient (or whatever the 8:30 to 4:30 type program is called) He feels my husband can return to work and go to this program after work a few days a week, along with meetings, etc.
I will see him for the first time on Saturday for our 45 min "family session" which I guess is part progress, part therapeutic and part what happens next.
I'm just a mess. I think I would like to post my cost letter. I think I would like someone to read it, but not people that I "KNOW". I know I'm rambling. I'm just going to hit post now. thanks for reading...
Hi Meggem, I think it's great that you posted, and also that your husband is in rehab and went there willingly. It sounds like everything has just built up, and now the pressure is temporarily off, you are finally free to let all the emotions out.
My thought about the meetings are...if you know some of the other mothers around town through playgroup etc. could you ask them to recommend a good babysitter? Most babysitting is done in the evening so that stops being a factor for you. All the best.
My thought about the meetings are...if you know some of the other mothers around town through playgroup etc. could you ask them to recommend a good babysitter? Most babysitting is done in the evening so that stops being a factor for you. All the best.
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thanks. maybe I just need to bite the bullet and ask my mother to come. My family is great and my mother would do it. I just wish I could go privately. Like when my husband comes home and he can watch the kids. I don't have a few friends I could ask but they have never babysat and I feel uncomfortable.
Hi Meggem,
You won't get any oldtimers telling you to head for the hills as we all have walked in your shoes and understand the tempest of emotions you are feeling right now.
The small children you have together bond you together whether you are in the same home and whether he chooses to drink or not. I tell people that marriage can be temporary but divorce is forever so this man will always be some part of your life because he is the father of those two small kids.
You are making the best choices possible right now by seeking out your own answers to addiction, codependency, relationship building and parenting with an active or recovering alcoholic. So... breathe. Take a deep breath, exhale and find your center because time is your friend. You do not need to make any big life changing decisions today! Or even tomorrow... but if you ever feel unsafe or your children are in any way at risk then you need to make a quick decision!
Time is your friend... more will be revealed. Today your husband is working a positive change in his life and you are being supportive. Live in today and tomorrow will come and trust that as doors open and close you will grow in your own recovery and make decisions led by peace!
I completely second finding some resource for regular alanon meetings... it will help you find your rock center and you need time for yourself sweetie! You can't work all day, mother all evening and then worry all night about your marriage!!!
When was the last time you just went out and had some fun? Do you have any friends? Girl friends? Bubble baths? Walks in the park or the beach? Please find time for yourself... give your whirling brain a rest.
Your husband may be one of the few that beat the odds... what you have told us is encouraging! Hope is a good thing... but his recovery is up to him and your recovery (finding peace and serenity first goal) is your responsibility! Whatever will be will be... trust yourself enough to keep moving forward with positive life changes for yourself!
Every gal... EVERY gal needs a babysitter! Goal number two... go find that person, grandma, teen you can trust for a few hours while you go pamper yourself somewhere!
You won't get any oldtimers telling you to head for the hills as we all have walked in your shoes and understand the tempest of emotions you are feeling right now.
The small children you have together bond you together whether you are in the same home and whether he chooses to drink or not. I tell people that marriage can be temporary but divorce is forever so this man will always be some part of your life because he is the father of those two small kids.
You are making the best choices possible right now by seeking out your own answers to addiction, codependency, relationship building and parenting with an active or recovering alcoholic. So... breathe. Take a deep breath, exhale and find your center because time is your friend. You do not need to make any big life changing decisions today! Or even tomorrow... but if you ever feel unsafe or your children are in any way at risk then you need to make a quick decision!
Time is your friend... more will be revealed. Today your husband is working a positive change in his life and you are being supportive. Live in today and tomorrow will come and trust that as doors open and close you will grow in your own recovery and make decisions led by peace!
I completely second finding some resource for regular alanon meetings... it will help you find your rock center and you need time for yourself sweetie! You can't work all day, mother all evening and then worry all night about your marriage!!!
When was the last time you just went out and had some fun? Do you have any friends? Girl friends? Bubble baths? Walks in the park or the beach? Please find time for yourself... give your whirling brain a rest.
Your husband may be one of the few that beat the odds... what you have told us is encouraging! Hope is a good thing... but his recovery is up to him and your recovery (finding peace and serenity first goal) is your responsibility! Whatever will be will be... trust yourself enough to keep moving forward with positive life changes for yourself!
Every gal... EVERY gal needs a babysitter! Goal number two... go find that person, grandma, teen you can trust for a few hours while you go pamper yourself somewhere!
If you could bring yourself to employ a babysitter you can trust, you wouldn't need to ask family but if it's your mother then it's only for a short time. I would love to have some grandchildren to babysit! And 7.30pm isn't exactly the early hours of the morning.
I think getting to the meetings should be top priority for you, considering how upset you are at the moment. If your family is like mine you'll have plenty of opportunity to pay Mum back in the future.
I think getting to the meetings should be top priority for you, considering how upset you are at the moment. If your family is like mine you'll have plenty of opportunity to pay Mum back in the future.
I apologize if this was mentioned and I missed it, but have you checked if any of the Alanon meetings offer childcare? Most of the ones I've attended in my area do offer this, usually for a donation of $1 per child if you can afford it.
I think I understand that feeling....like your wheels are spinning but the ground has been pulled out from under you? I felt that way when my stepson was in the hospital for the first time undergoing alcohol withdrawal. We were relieved, happy, scared, all at the same time.
Please don't hesitate to come here and vent anytime you feel the need...
I hope you will continue to pursue attending Al-Anon meetings since you feel they would be helpful. Many of us have found the face-to-face support invaluable.
Please don't hesitate to come here and vent anytime you feel the need...
I hope you will continue to pursue attending Al-Anon meetings since you feel they would be helpful. Many of us have found the face-to-face support invaluable.
only you really know "why" you have not tried AL ANON or a 12 step program for yourself YET...
reality?
try it, you just might like it...i know my 'excuses", so what are yours?
this is something for YOU...no one else...
all the best
reality?
try it, you just might like it...i know my 'excuses", so what are yours?
this is something for YOU...no one else...
all the best
meggem, If you read the stories of other posters here--you will see that, over and over, your reaction is not exactly unusual---for the spouse--after the AH has entered treatment.
In treatment--the A spouse gets support, empathy, encouragement--and, yes, even praise for their efforts (among other things, of course). The spouse is left with most, if not all the domestic responsibilities, and a raft of angry emotions and unfulfilled expectations. Early recovery does not bring sunshine and a choir of angels, singing. Damn.
This is why your idea of alanon is so vital for you--because it brings the support and validation that the loved one who has also been damaged by the alcoholism so badly needs. The family needs as much support as the alcoholic. For the alcoholic, in early recovery, it is about all most of them can do to keep body and soul together! They are ill-prepared to do much "giving" to others at this point. Is that "fair"--it isn't--but, it is the REALITY of recovery. There isn't much that is "fair" with this terrible disease.
I believe that alanon will be a godsend to you. And, like all mothers--you need to get out of that house and have something just for yourself, sometimes!
dandylion
In treatment--the A spouse gets support, empathy, encouragement--and, yes, even praise for their efforts (among other things, of course). The spouse is left with most, if not all the domestic responsibilities, and a raft of angry emotions and unfulfilled expectations. Early recovery does not bring sunshine and a choir of angels, singing. Damn.
This is why your idea of alanon is so vital for you--because it brings the support and validation that the loved one who has also been damaged by the alcoholism so badly needs. The family needs as much support as the alcoholic. For the alcoholic, in early recovery, it is about all most of them can do to keep body and soul together! They are ill-prepared to do much "giving" to others at this point. Is that "fair"--it isn't--but, it is the REALITY of recovery. There isn't much that is "fair" with this terrible disease.
I believe that alanon will be a godsend to you. And, like all mothers--you need to get out of that house and have something just for yourself, sometimes!
dandylion
meggem, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. We all understand, we all have been there. The good news is, now that you are no longer in denial, it is all up from here! Now you can focus on your own healing. Please take good care of yourself and get the help that you need.
However, that doesn't mean that it's wrong to show kindness, like when you said "it's okay" to your husband and put your hand on his arm. You seem to feel that it might have been wrong to do that. I'm sure your kindness and support means a great deal to him during this time. It's good that he sought help himself, that he made that doctor's appointment himself, that he realizes he has a problem. I hope he will continue down the path of healing for himself.
Also though, remember that you need to be kind to yourself. I agree with everyone else you said you should try to get out of the house and do something you enjoy. Just for you!
However, that doesn't mean that it's wrong to show kindness, like when you said "it's okay" to your husband and put your hand on his arm. You seem to feel that it might have been wrong to do that. I'm sure your kindness and support means a great deal to him during this time. It's good that he sought help himself, that he made that doctor's appointment himself, that he realizes he has a problem. I hope he will continue down the path of healing for himself.
Also though, remember that you need to be kind to yourself. I agree with everyone else you said you should try to get out of the house and do something you enjoy. Just for you!
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I don't know what my excuse is for not going yet fourmaggie. It's not that I can't face reality. I'm not sure I even have an "excuse" per say - well, I guess I do I gave one. I guess I have been in damage control just trying to get through the days and nights. Rehab was not planned. His appointment was 3 pm that Monday and he was picked up by the facility at 7:45 PM that night and the next day I went to work and I have been spinning since. I did kind of feel like putting my hand on his arm to show support might be a codpendent thing - a care taking thing - I don't know - kid gloves, tough love, boundaries, being supportive. I don't know which end is up. There is a meeting tonight at 7:00 PM. I think I need to ask my mom to watch the kids.
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I just textd my mother and asked if she would come tonight from about 6 to 8:30 pm. She said of course. The meeting is at 7. I pray it helps. I know I have a long road ahead of me but I hope even though it will only be my first meeting it will bring me just a teensy bit of something because I am not doing well. Thank you all for replying.
Hey Meg, I'm glad you reached out to your mom for help. Things got immensely better in my world when I opened up & let people in to help - family, friends, support here at SR.
I hope you get a chance today to take some deep breaths & realize that no decisions have to be made right this second. Give yourself some time to accept the changes that have taken place in your family & to educate yourself about alcoholism & it's effect on families. Keep an open mind & open heart & just listen.
I was caught off guard by my husband's addiction. We had spent 2 years separated and during that time he escalated from a problem drinker to alcoholic drinking. After he had moved back in & we were working on reconciling everything seemed to get harder & only later did I realize it was due to his secret drinking & how he'd been hiding this problem. I never for one second thought of him as an alcoholic until HE came home one day, sat me down & started telling me all the ways he'd been manipulating our lives around his alcohol, that he'd met someone THAT DAY that had somehow said the right thing to get through to him & how he was attending his first AA meeting THAT NIGHT. I didn't even believe it at first, it took me a solid 10 mins to pick my jaw up off of the floor & respond.
At that point, I thought he'd come home from the meeting & talk about how it didn't resonate & that he wasn't the addict he thought he was. I was shocked (but grateful, later) when the opposite was true. Slowly, more was revealed. Slowly, he started sharing & I started putting together pieces of odd events & arguments & little signs that I had misinterpreted or ignored. I felt lost. I felt ignorant, how could this be MY life & yet *I* seemed to know nothing about what was actually happening???
My anxiety skyrocketed AFTER he sought sobriety. Until then I had been living crisis to crisis without realizing it. RAH was never abusive outwardly (his manipulations were typically more subtle) but his behavior HAD been escalating & since he was drinking in secret, I was clueless as to what was driving these changes.
And then when I started to understand/see MY role in all of it (codie, ACoA issues, enabling) - whoa.... that's when things REALLY starting moving forward for me.
Be gentle with yourself today!
I hope you get a chance today to take some deep breaths & realize that no decisions have to be made right this second. Give yourself some time to accept the changes that have taken place in your family & to educate yourself about alcoholism & it's effect on families. Keep an open mind & open heart & just listen.
I was caught off guard by my husband's addiction. We had spent 2 years separated and during that time he escalated from a problem drinker to alcoholic drinking. After he had moved back in & we were working on reconciling everything seemed to get harder & only later did I realize it was due to his secret drinking & how he'd been hiding this problem. I never for one second thought of him as an alcoholic until HE came home one day, sat me down & started telling me all the ways he'd been manipulating our lives around his alcohol, that he'd met someone THAT DAY that had somehow said the right thing to get through to him & how he was attending his first AA meeting THAT NIGHT. I didn't even believe it at first, it took me a solid 10 mins to pick my jaw up off of the floor & respond.
At that point, I thought he'd come home from the meeting & talk about how it didn't resonate & that he wasn't the addict he thought he was. I was shocked (but grateful, later) when the opposite was true. Slowly, more was revealed. Slowly, he started sharing & I started putting together pieces of odd events & arguments & little signs that I had misinterpreted or ignored. I felt lost. I felt ignorant, how could this be MY life & yet *I* seemed to know nothing about what was actually happening???
My anxiety skyrocketed AFTER he sought sobriety. Until then I had been living crisis to crisis without realizing it. RAH was never abusive outwardly (his manipulations were typically more subtle) but his behavior HAD been escalating & since he was drinking in secret, I was clueless as to what was driving these changes.
And then when I started to understand/see MY role in all of it (codie, ACoA issues, enabling) - whoa.... that's when things REALLY starting moving forward for me.
Be gentle with yourself today!
I'm so proud of you for doing something for yourself. And I think your motion of "It's Ok" is not caretaking or being codie. Like you said I see it as human, something I would do for ANYONE in pain, especially my husband. And you know what.. sometimes people just need to hear that everything is going to be ok. Even if we don't know when or how.. Just like you meggem.. You know what. Eventually, Everything's going to be ok.
Make sure you take sometime for yourself too. Make it a priority. ((hugs))
Make sure you take sometime for yourself too. Make it a priority. ((hugs))
Meggem, I go to sleep really early b/c I get up really early, so I'll be asleep long before you leave your meeting tonight, but I sure hope that when I get up tomorrow AM, I see that you've posted about that meeting...
I can't add anything to the ESH that has been shared with you here already other than to wish you strength, clarity and peace in the days to come.
Please do let us know about that meeting!
I can't add anything to the ESH that has been shared with you here already other than to wish you strength, clarity and peace in the days to come.
Please do let us know about that meeting!
Hello and hugs to you.
I don't know your faith or if you have them in your area, but I attend Celebrate Recovery which has an alanon type meeting. The reason I mention it is because at our Celebrate Recovery they have child care for free. My children have been going for quite some time and quite enjoy it. Just a suggestion as this has offered me much hope and friendship in the past while I work on my own recovery from all this mess.
God Bless.
I don't know your faith or if you have them in your area, but I attend Celebrate Recovery which has an alanon type meeting. The reason I mention it is because at our Celebrate Recovery they have child care for free. My children have been going for quite some time and quite enjoy it. Just a suggestion as this has offered me much hope and friendship in the past while I work on my own recovery from all this mess.
God Bless.
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