JanieJane

Hello friends,

I haven't been around lately much, but here I am again. I have been thinking about why I am still in this relationship - other than the fact that I love him.

I realized that I am very invested in "making him stop drinking". I know intellectually that I can't make him stop, but there's a big part of me that thinks I can. Like if I only try hard enough and for long enough, I can make him stop. Like it's my job or something. I *must* stick this out until he stops. When I think about him not stopping drinking, I get really anxious. I feel like I'll have failed if I can't do it. Actually, I get angry too. Like why won't he just do what I say?!

I'm not articulating this very well, but I hope someone has some clue of what I'm trying to say and maybe even some insight into why I might feel these things.

MissFixit

hi

sometimes it feels easier to "fix" someone else rather than face our own issues.

Ruby2

We all think that if only we tried hard enough, loved enough, were strong enough the alcoholic would suddenly have a mind altering experience that will make them sober and profusely thank the person who brought them to that realization...with you saved my life!!!!

It doesn't happen that way in the least. Instead, if you continue, you will be left with an infinity of lonely nights and broken promises. My husband told me over two hours ago that he would be back in a half hour. I will be sound asleep by the time he gets home. Intimacy? He might stumble in, drunk and high saying "wanna haves sex?" Gee romantic.

Meanwhile our two children have seen their father for a grand total of about ten minutes today. It was more important for him to go out than to hear about their day.

If he doesn't want to be fixed, move on for your own sake. I am realizing all this week, reading here, save yourself.

Ruby2

I have been with my husband almost nine years now and he has been using almost the entire time. Do not waste the better part of a decade of your life doing a rescue mission. Sometimes we are too smart for own good and intellectualize what should not be. I thought the same thing. Out think him. Pah! That didn't work. Meanwhile, even though he is working he is nickel and diming us to death.. We last had a vacation oh, about four years ago. Think about it.

trixie56

I've also felt this way. I tried to understand my XABF, not be "too serious" in regards to his drinking, and be a true friend to him. I thought this was what he wanted, a true companion/relationship, when he came back to me this last time, all full of apologies and promises to not go back to partying. As his 'true' self began to reveal himself soon after, it was crushing, not only because I felt deceived by him and his words of 'change,' but also because I just didn't understand....Why would he rather stay at home, hungover all day rather than even try to see me? Why didn't he call me to talk when he was upset, rather than go to the bar, get wasted, and embarrass himself? It hurt, but it became clear to me, very quickly, that these were his choices.....His actions....And unfortunately, no matter how loving I was to him, he didn't see it or appreciate it or even reciprocate it.

In the situation, all I could see was how *I* wasn't enough for him. Now that I'm out of it, I see that it had nothing to do with me. Nothing I would've said or did (even if I drank myself sick with him) would've made him stand me up less, or speak to me with more respect. It's hard to accept....but this is something we can't change.

spiderqueen

Even if he DOES want to be fixed, that's HIS job, not yours.

When we love someone, we want to help. That's a natural and healthy instinct. But with addiction, helping quickly turns to enabling as we start picking up more and more of the broken pieces that an active addict can no longer pick up for themselves.

Then we aren't helping anymore, we are enabling. Sadly, we often enable the A to progress deeper into their sickness. Every time we protect them from the consequences of their behavior, they don't have to face themselves. (And I agree, we enablers can conveniently ignore our own problems as we churn around in our partner's disease.)

I had YET ANOTHER medical professional tell me the other day that breaking up with my ABF was the best possible decision - not only for my sake, but for his.

Hope this helps a little.

befuddled1

I am in similar situation to yours in that only few months ago I discovered my bf is an alcoholic as opposed to a heavy drinker and at first it was hard in that I tried shouting, pleadings crying threats etc nothing worked - so I then accepted this fact. Then read everything I could no alcoholism and discovered this site (thank goodness) and learned about enabling (I had been doing it without realising) and detachment and boundaries and some days are easier than others but I'm learning with some good effects already. Next will be alanon but I'm making this back around to my feelings and well being because it was always about him before. Since I learned he was an alcoholic I have offered support like talking listening and being a home carer during recent home detox but no more running round in my car - he lost his licence due to drink driving etc and he has noticed these changes in me. He has applied to do 9 days in rehab just waitin on date now - if this is def what wants Orton get away from the 'new me' I don't know lol good luck and I hope you concentrate a bit more on yourself now xx

m1k3

Oh yeah, I know that feeling. After putting in a lot of work on myself I came up with this as a pretty good description of what I was going through.

In the beginning I felt like I had a big hole inside me. I used my wife to fill that hole. For awhile it was good but as her drinking and pill abuse got worse the hole was getting bigger.

Next I started reading and posting here as well as going to AlAnon. With some hard work I changed that outlook and began to fill that hole with myself. I learned to like and then even love me. I developed self esteem. My hole was filling up again and this time in a healthy way.

Now that I accept myself as I am, warts and all, I realize that there wasn't really a hole there at all. I am enough just as I am. Doesn't mean I'm not a work in progress but I have learned to accept reality as it is.

That empty feeling was my higher power calling me back to be myself, to find my path and then be brave enough to follow it. The only hard part was taking the first step.

Once I gave up the illusion of control, and control is just an illusion because the only thing I can control is how I react to what is happening around me and in my head, and let go of the past for the past is gone an can't be changed, my life started to get so much better. Doesn't mean I don't have any problems but I now have the tools to deal with them in a sane manner.

Life does get better when you put the focus back on yourself and begin your own path of healing and forgiveness.

Your friend,