ckoures

I have that nervous, climbing out of my skin feeling. The pit in my stomach is about to swallow me whole.

I drank a bottle of wine yesterday. Not enough to be drunk, just enough so that when my husband started his rant about me, I fought back instead of keeping my mouth shut. Mistake number one. He rushed me, yelling how ugly and awful I am, grabbed the frying pan and threw it all out as it was "fit for a dog" because I made it. And then there was the tirade about everything I have done in my life, everything that he thinks is wrong. Of course, I didn't make things better by telling him if he wanted a divorce, go get one.

This escalation is over my daughter. She is failing in college, talking bad about me, lying... I refused to give her money because of the lies. He did. And it infuriated me. I do deserve some criticism. I have been a drunk in the past - four years over wishing I could drown myself in the bottom of a bottle.

I've been doing good. And I failed. Again.

I miss her so much. And I just want him to be peaceful. And now I just want to crawl back in bed, hammer down a few shots and sleep until I wake up a different person. What a loser.

Bilr44

What is your plan to get sober? I would worry about yourself first as this is not helping the situation at all.

ckoures

I'm just starting from the beginning again. One step at a time. And I'm pondering whether it is finally time to end my marriage.

duane1

Have you had any extended time at sobriety and did it help your marriage at all?

ckoures

I have had eight months of sobriety, until this episode. It only made me more able to cope with his issues. The alcohol, while it masks the pain for awhile, does not help long term. So I guess that means, I have been sober. And he's still him.

duane1

Does your husband drink?

ckoures

Yes. He does drink. Quite a bit, late at night and alone.

least

I hope you can get sober again. It may not help your marriage but it will help you to deal with it.


Throwing the frying pan is VIOLENCE! I would not tolerate such behavior.

ckoures

You are right. Being sober will help me deal better. I've never been very good at setting boundaries, or feeling his actions aren't deserved. To know one thing intellectually is completely different than feeling it in my heart. Seems I've powered through my life without feeling much, and it's led me to abuse a substance to stop the feelings all together. Ugh. I called him minutes ago, he hung up, swore at me, etc... Ugh. But I will face it sober.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your struggle ckoures.

Maybe you need more support with your recovery? have you been doing it on your own so far?

I also encourage you to at least read through the pages on the following link - violence is never acceptable..ever.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

ckoures

Thank you. I attend meetings occasionally. But this is mine alone. I will read that link. And I'll go home, be belitted and spend the night cowering in my bedroom like a whipped dog. Repulsive

Dee74

Noone should have to live like that - do read the link ckoures.

D

Taking5

A bottle of wine is quite sufficient to get drunk. I hope you find the support you need.

CaiHong

I think trying to get sober in an abusive relationship would not be easy but drinking is just making it worse. would it be possible to take time out stay somewhere else for a while so that you can concentrate on getting sober and get your relationship in proper perspective?

I feel for you this can't keep going on.

All the best
love
CaiHong

NewMe32

My heart goes out to you because I've lived through a similar experience...In my case, things in my marriage got worse and worse...it was an escalating cycle...

If you don't feel safe then I recommend getting out of the situation...Seek help through community resources if you do not have the finances to leave or the strength to put him out...

You need time to get better and heal is what it sounds like. Life is too, too short to live miserably...

You're in my prayers

NewMe32

You are STRONGER than you realize!

BTW, You have a friend here, if you ever need to vent...Feel free to keep in touch

Hevyn

Hi ckoures. I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through. As you already know, drinking does nothing to help - just makes us more anxious and miserable. You need a clear head to deal with things. I'm sure you can get back to where you were. You are not a loser!

ckoures

You are right. A bottle of wine is enough to get drunk. Enough to certainly make me feel bad, and help me open my mouth a little too wide. Thank you.

trudgingagain

Having been in an abusive 1st marriage myself, it was my experience that alcohol always made it worse. Often times I said things that escalated his behavior(s)...this was about 40 years ago, but I still remember the night I drank tequila and did not back down when he came at me. I almost ended up hospitalized with a broken jaw. Alcohol is not the answer to mask the pain (physical and emotional)...I needed to get some outside support in order to leave him. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you all the best.

ckoures

Thanks Trudgingagain. One foot in front of the other. Funny, when he is not around, when I can't hear his incredible judgment in every word, I have no desire to drink. Guess that should be a lesson to me.