ExWinoMom

Had a **** day.
Started off tired.
Fight with husband over the messy house (I'm the messy one who has the main job of parenting the two little boys)
Had a thermomix demo in my house, that was good but dunno if I'll get one.
So tired, kids tired, feeling out of sorts.
Then I get a text from one of my good friends that her dad (beautiful man) died suddenly in a car crash. Holy Fark.
I'm quite disturbed by this.
I made pizza, husbands favorite but I still have resentment for being critical about my messiness when I'm so busy with kids.
We had a fight that was horrible. In front of the kids at 10pm.
I told him that I want a divorce, that I don't want to live with him, he's critical, that I never wanted to be married to him. He has heard it all before.
Fark.
I do mean all of this. I'm a dumb, cruel bitch.
I am an addict. A relationship addict. It's my core addiction.
Alcohol helps deal with the pain.
Got no alcohol now.
I know that realising I'm a relationship addict this morning and admitting it to myself is what I need to do to recover. I'm so ******** at relationships. And so tired.
And my friend's dad just died. F*cking hell.

ExWinoMom

When we fought tonight I was scared that he was going to hit me. He lost control.

jdooner

I am sorry about the drama. Posting is really healthy or calling someone to talk things through.

Are you in early sobriety?

Is your husband supporting your sobriety? I am a guy but I can relate to your post. I too feel like I am an addict more than an alcoholic. However, if Bill Wilson was writing the big book today, I think it would be called Addicts Anonymous and not Alcoholics Anonymous.

If it helps, her is what your brain is doing right now:

Drugs and the Brain | National Institute on Drug Abuse

ExWinoMom

Thanks
I am in early sobriety, 31 days sober. He is a pot addict. I will read that link.
Yes I do think bill w would call it addicts anonymous too. I'm a love/relationship addict and an alcoholic.
And I am in the program.
I felt like drinking tonight.
I didn't though. I feel great not drinking but I want to go to SLAA to treat my relationship addiction.

jdooner

What I have found with me is that I have a variety of problems. The alcohol became its own beast. But now that I am dealing with that issue I have the same compulsion. So my spirituality is what is really broken and I think those issues go back to my childhood and need to start dealing with that aspect of my recovery.

I was in your same shoes with my wife and we have gone through some tough times these past couple months. I am feeling good and part of that was just opening the lines of communications. Lots more work to do.

Good for you for making it through this test. Careful on treating too many things all at once though.

ExWinoMom

I was willing to let it all go, laid my cards on the table, my husband said He doesn't want to break up. I have decided to go to a shrink and or SLAA to work through my relationship addiction issues. Thanks for your support it really does mean a lot.
Life can get so painful and scary.
Thank God for the 12 steps and fellowship

jdooner

Hang in there - remember Rome was not built in a day. I am guessing spent a considerable amount of time digging this hole so you can't climb out with one jump. There is no easy way to fix all this stuff, it takes time.

I assume you have a good sponsor. Have you signed up for a home group? I am sort fo a fan of the harder core style of AA when the recovery rates were above 60%. I am being brought through the book now but back on step #3 bc I really did not get past this one honestly.

Good luck. You know I thought my marriage was doomed, maybe it still is but my wife really surprised me in terms of her desire to quit and become sober. You husband may surprise you too.

Carlotta

Just wanted to drop by and say that I am a double winner myself. We can become and stay clean and sober whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not. I am glad you are going to check out SLAA (reading your post I was thinking more of Al Anon).
If you are afraid for your safety, please contact your local DV hotline. Also always keep your purse with your car keys, your cell phone and a little prepaid debit card with a few hundreds on it by the door in case you and your kids have to make a run for it.

ExWinoMom

Thanks heaps
Yes I have a sponsor, she is on holidays and we will get into the steps when she returns in about 1.5 weeks. I haven't signed up for a HG yet, gotta settle for one. There is one I like on Monday nights, lots of people and strong recovery there. I like the strong ethics too in the program. I need it!
I will get a service position too and if not I will commit myself to set up or clean up at the meeting.
It's me who always has the doubts with my marriage. Not my husband.
But he is screwed up too lol.
I swear we both have bipolar.

longbeachone

The drama that goes hand in hand with alcoholism can be every bit as addictive as a substance. Good for you for acknowledging this. It gets easier and certainly better!

P.S. What's a thermomix?

Anna

I think it's good that you are getting counselling. Have you considered couples counselling to help the marriage situation?

Coldfusion

Hi Ex,

My wife and I are both recovering alcoholics, so I know very well all the drama this introduces to a relationship. I am schizo-affective, she has PTSD.

One important thing that helps us survive is reading the daily horoscope. Whether or not you believe in this sort of thing, they are usually written to give good advice. But we find it helpful to know in advance when turbulent times (like right now) are coming. I like the daily horoscope Mark Lerner writes for "*****! Shine."

Best wishes for the next three weeks (we are going through an astrological cycle where we tend to review things from the past).

least

I'm sorry your life is so messed up right now but glad you have the support of AA and your sponsor. Friends can help us thru times of trouble.