Revisiting after 7 yrs with success story!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 3
Revisiting after 7 yrs with success story!
After visiting SR 7 years ago while married to an alcoholic I decided to report back on how much better things are! I LEFT!!!
I relied on SR at that time for support and being able to talk freely. It gave me enough courage to stand up to him and in the end I left with my 3 children, I stayed with friends until I could afford to rent my own place and from the outset I refused to engage with him in any respect. I saw a solicitor who after ex's pathetic attempts at scaring, bullying me and guilting me pursuaded me to call the police who enforced a no contact order on him. He maintained minimal contact with my children( which I now regret but was pushed at the time to let him still see them- the children have since got older and none of them see him through their own choice).
I moved far enough away for him to not be on my doorstep after he put nails in my tyres,left messages and watched me, I changed my job and despite having to struggle financially, I slept peacefully for the first time in years without fear, without worrying about his drinking, moods and temper.
I divorced him, which took away even more of his power which took even more of his 'hold' away from him. I am now remarried to a lovely caring man and my children have a normal and peaceful childhood, free of trauma(except for his occassional outbursts by phone to the kids).
He on the other hand has lost his wife, his eldest son refuses to speak to him, his parents have to drive him around everywhere and clean and shop for him(still enabling). His daughter has no respect for him and his youngest son is scared of him. His new girlfriend left him and his health has deteriorated. He has lost his driving licence. Of course all of this is everybody elses fault. He even wrote my daughter a 4 page letter after she said she'd had enough of his behaviour saying he drinks because of "your mother, she ruined my whole life right from the start". Sad. V v sad.
I am so happy now and a lot was thanks to SR giving me the confidence to find the strength to do the inevitable and just get out. I wish I'd done it so much sooner, but everyone will get to their limit.It was an incredibly hard process to go thru with many setbacks due to his behaviour and attempts at regaining control, but the end result has been worth it.
If I could give anyone advice it would be that if all else fails, put you and your children, if you have them, FIRST and get out and reduce all avenues of contact as these are just seen as lines of abuse and control. Its hard work but they will very very rarely change despite all their pleas and promises.
xxx
I relied on SR at that time for support and being able to talk freely. It gave me enough courage to stand up to him and in the end I left with my 3 children, I stayed with friends until I could afford to rent my own place and from the outset I refused to engage with him in any respect. I saw a solicitor who after ex's pathetic attempts at scaring, bullying me and guilting me pursuaded me to call the police who enforced a no contact order on him. He maintained minimal contact with my children( which I now regret but was pushed at the time to let him still see them- the children have since got older and none of them see him through their own choice).
I moved far enough away for him to not be on my doorstep after he put nails in my tyres,left messages and watched me, I changed my job and despite having to struggle financially, I slept peacefully for the first time in years without fear, without worrying about his drinking, moods and temper.
I divorced him, which took away even more of his power which took even more of his 'hold' away from him. I am now remarried to a lovely caring man and my children have a normal and peaceful childhood, free of trauma(except for his occassional outbursts by phone to the kids).
He on the other hand has lost his wife, his eldest son refuses to speak to him, his parents have to drive him around everywhere and clean and shop for him(still enabling). His daughter has no respect for him and his youngest son is scared of him. His new girlfriend left him and his health has deteriorated. He has lost his driving licence. Of course all of this is everybody elses fault. He even wrote my daughter a 4 page letter after she said she'd had enough of his behaviour saying he drinks because of "your mother, she ruined my whole life right from the start". Sad. V v sad.
I am so happy now and a lot was thanks to SR giving me the confidence to find the strength to do the inevitable and just get out. I wish I'd done it so much sooner, but everyone will get to their limit.It was an incredibly hard process to go thru with many setbacks due to his behaviour and attempts at regaining control, but the end result has been worth it.
If I could give anyone advice it would be that if all else fails, put you and your children, if you have them, FIRST and get out and reduce all avenues of contact as these are just seen as lines of abuse and control. Its hard work but they will very very rarely change despite all their pleas and promises.
xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Your story and mine are remarkably similar (down to the writing the kids and blaming you for his deterioration) and I am SO happy to hear how you turned your life around!!!
This is a pretty special place, and I'm glad you came back to share your story.
This is a pretty special place, and I'm glad you came back to share your story.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
This is wonderful news and I want to thank you for coming back and sharing with us.
I got rid of my qualifier many years before I found SR but I see so many newcomers posting here who are in the middle of the madness and afraid to leave.
Yours is a strong message of hope and that there is life after the AP.
Thanks for sharing your E, S and H
I got rid of my qualifier many years before I found SR but I see so many newcomers posting here who are in the middle of the madness and afraid to leave.
Yours is a strong message of hope and that there is life after the AP.
Thanks for sharing your E, S and H
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 47
Wow, I guess I am 7 yrs behind you...I just hope my girls will be strong and brave during this process...I am reading so many sad stories about how our children turn out after all this trauma... 
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 3
Singledad and Martina, You will get through....and you will look back and wonder where you got your strength from. Confide and take strength from others even if its just on this site, a problem shared always makes it easier to handle. And things only become much clearer when you are removed from the controlling behaviour and you realise that the enabling you did in good faith thinking you were helping, was only allowing the pain to continue. Re the children, although they still have contact with their dad and therefore they still have issues with him, my feelings are that it is better for them to deal with him from afar and just on occassion with support rather the constant wearing down of spirit and trauma that we used to experience every waking day of our lives. If children have support that is the best you can do and you have taken them out of that situation. No one would choose for their children to experience an alcoholic parent and we cannot turn the clock back, but we can minimise their damaging effects and reduce it as much as is possible. xx
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