Changing My Thoughts
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
Changing My Thoughts
Late at night and early in the morning are the hardest times for me....when the house is quiet and I am left alone with my thoughts. I continue to work on changing those thoughts - but I am sure all of you know exactly what I mean when I say it is so hard.
I was so proud of myself for walking past my AH yesterday and not engaging when he appeared at the house. He came because he had something of my daughters, and while she asked him to drop it off after we left, he rushed right over. He asked if he had any mail and I answered the question and walked to the car - that was so hard for me to do. That was my drug...right in front of me...and I so wanted to lay into him, but I didn't.
I had hoped he would take more of his things while he had time at the house...but he did nothing. I wanted to text him last night and start a conversation about this, but I didn't. I want to text him right now and figure out how to get his things out of the house...but I'm posting on here instead. I have got to fight this urge to communicate with him. I did send an email that provided me with closure (and a lot of tears) - and I spent all night checking to see if he responded. I knew that he wouldn't, but that was my slip - hoping that it would make a difference and he would do something. I know better. I laid out 2 boundaries. We will have no contact while he is in active addiction and that he may text and talk to the girls on the phone, but while in active addiction he will not see them and under no circumstances will they be left alone with him or in a car. They are 13 & 15, so we had a conversation last night where I explained why I did this and what the rules are with their dad. I ended the letter by saying if he made arrangements for rehab, I would be happy to drive him. I know in my heart that will not happen - but it's all I can do.
I am grieving the loss of my husband, I really do wish he was dead - then my thoughts of fixing my marriage would end. I know that I need to end those thoughts and it will come in time - just sad this morning.
I was so proud of myself for walking past my AH yesterday and not engaging when he appeared at the house. He came because he had something of my daughters, and while she asked him to drop it off after we left, he rushed right over. He asked if he had any mail and I answered the question and walked to the car - that was so hard for me to do. That was my drug...right in front of me...and I so wanted to lay into him, but I didn't.
I had hoped he would take more of his things while he had time at the house...but he did nothing. I wanted to text him last night and start a conversation about this, but I didn't. I want to text him right now and figure out how to get his things out of the house...but I'm posting on here instead. I have got to fight this urge to communicate with him. I did send an email that provided me with closure (and a lot of tears) - and I spent all night checking to see if he responded. I knew that he wouldn't, but that was my slip - hoping that it would make a difference and he would do something. I know better. I laid out 2 boundaries. We will have no contact while he is in active addiction and that he may text and talk to the girls on the phone, but while in active addiction he will not see them and under no circumstances will they be left alone with him or in a car. They are 13 & 15, so we had a conversation last night where I explained why I did this and what the rules are with their dad. I ended the letter by saying if he made arrangements for rehab, I would be happy to drive him. I know in my heart that will not happen - but it's all I can do.
I am grieving the loss of my husband, I really do wish he was dead - then my thoughts of fixing my marriage would end. I know that I need to end those thoughts and it will come in time - just sad this morning.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I heard a saying once that sometimes helps me through sad times. It goes... "I can't help how I feel right now but I can help how I think and act." Author unknown.
It seems to give me permission to feel bad but yet not to act on those feelings. I think sometimes you need to feel sad on the inside but be tough on the outside and not give in.
It would be good if you could get his things together and have someone else pick them up or have someone at your house while you are gone to supervise the pick up. When my son and his then wife were moving out and weren't getting along I was afraid there would be drama so we called the police and they sent someone to keep it calm. That worked. Also, the post office can forward his mail to his new address.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and good for you for being strong!!!!!
Hugs, Kari
It seems to give me permission to feel bad but yet not to act on those feelings. I think sometimes you need to feel sad on the inside but be tough on the outside and not give in.
It would be good if you could get his things together and have someone else pick them up or have someone at your house while you are gone to supervise the pick up. When my son and his then wife were moving out and weren't getting along I was afraid there would be drama so we called the police and they sent someone to keep it calm. That worked. Also, the post office can forward his mail to his new address.
I'm so sorry you are going through this and good for you for being strong!!!!!
Hugs, Kari
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Oh I know how your feeling. ......IT IS SO HARD.
It was the hardest thing I think I ever did when I threw my AS's out of the house Knowing the was no place left for them to go as they have burnt all there friends and other family members. When you sit the in the silence you start to second guess you decision, you start to dough that it is the right thing to do. Then you worry about them. Well this to is love [a selfish love.] But what you did in the first place is true love, It was done for there good not yours. .... You did the right thing! maybe not for your sake but for him. Now you have to have faith. It is a hard thing but it will make a difference in both of your lives, it will bring change. Hopefully with the best outcome.
It was 8 months before I heard from either of my addicted sons. yes I worried every day. Yes I prayed everyday. I prayed the would find the light and that God would guide them to the help they needed and deserved. When I finally heard from each of them about a month apart. They had gotten help in one form or another, they were clean and starting to get their lives in order again. They were starting over again, it is amassing how they have sought out there own help and got on there own feet. ** I share this to give you confidence and Hope.}
What ever they left behind I packed up in bags and boxed up. I placed it on the back porch and left it there if they wanted or needed it they could get it or leave it. They didn't get it till they were clean, as addicts they didn't care about it.
I know and understand a spouse is different then a son or daughter but maybe there is something in what I have experienced that may help you. I hope it at least gives you the faith to stay strong and on your course. it is not going to be easy, it is going to take time, but when given the choices the will find their way.
Have faith and believe in yourself. There is no reason to continue to live the way you were. Take this time alone to work on you , your family. Help your selves and concentrate on bettering your own life. I spent a lot of time reading and going to Nar-Anon meetings,it helped me to grow and gain strength as well as the serenity I had been missing.
It was the hardest thing I think I ever did when I threw my AS's out of the house Knowing the was no place left for them to go as they have burnt all there friends and other family members. When you sit the in the silence you start to second guess you decision, you start to dough that it is the right thing to do. Then you worry about them. Well this to is love [a selfish love.] But what you did in the first place is true love, It was done for there good not yours. .... You did the right thing! maybe not for your sake but for him. Now you have to have faith. It is a hard thing but it will make a difference in both of your lives, it will bring change. Hopefully with the best outcome.
It was 8 months before I heard from either of my addicted sons. yes I worried every day. Yes I prayed everyday. I prayed the would find the light and that God would guide them to the help they needed and deserved. When I finally heard from each of them about a month apart. They had gotten help in one form or another, they were clean and starting to get their lives in order again. They were starting over again, it is amassing how they have sought out there own help and got on there own feet. ** I share this to give you confidence and Hope.}
What ever they left behind I packed up in bags and boxed up. I placed it on the back porch and left it there if they wanted or needed it they could get it or leave it. They didn't get it till they were clean, as addicts they didn't care about it.
I know and understand a spouse is different then a son or daughter but maybe there is something in what I have experienced that may help you. I hope it at least gives you the faith to stay strong and on your course. it is not going to be easy, it is going to take time, but when given the choices the will find their way.
Have faith and believe in yourself. There is no reason to continue to live the way you were. Take this time alone to work on you , your family. Help your selves and concentrate on bettering your own life. I spent a lot of time reading and going to Nar-Anon meetings,it helped me to grow and gain strength as well as the serenity I had been missing.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm so sorry for your deep pain and loss. In our culture, when someone's spouse passes away, the community supports the surviving wife or husband, and the process of grieving is helped tremendously by the forces of love and comfort all around, for days, weeks, often for months. The surviving spouse is not expected to carry on as normal. There is an expectation that the widow or widower will withdraw for a long time. Back when people wore black for a full year after the death of a spouse, the black symbolized this descent into the darkness of mourning and the withdrawal for an extended time from ordinary life and ordinary obligations.
Not so today if one's spouse has emotionally and psychologically died from the effects of addiction. Then she (or he) is left alone, without the love and support of not only the absent spouse, but also left with the enormous responsibilities of children and house and earning money, and left alone without the continual support of the community as well. Because no one understands that she is mourning the "death" of a spouse, the emotional and psychological death, and the death of a marriage and of a family life. And she (or he) is not allowed to, nor can, withdraw to mourn in the traditional ways.
I don't think anything you are doing could be done better. Nor can I say there is anything more you can do, other than, as suggested by others, you arrange for the practical removal of material property, when your children are not home. This is a very difficult time for them, it will leave wounds, and they will be helped by some counseling eventually, if they are not already receiving that.
It is a fact of all life that when something dies, something new will be born. This is an enduring theme in all religions and in myth and fairytale. And for ourselves, the death and rebirth is an interior process. It takes time. There has to be a descent into an interior hell. But eventually one re-emerges, if one participates in this period of time with a willingness to be changed, to accept change, and a commitment to believe in a new life to come. It is a lonely process. One can do this, must do this, alone, it is your path and no one can walk it for you.
But if you face it, and while you surrender to forces greater than yourself and to the ever-changing realities of life, you try to grow, then many of us here can tell you: you will emerge stronger and deeper and a new person, perhaps even grateful for having been compelled to change.
When you write that a part of you wishes he would die physically, it is the unconscious longing to be able to mourn and be supported. Try not to feel guilt about it. It is normal.
Not so today if one's spouse has emotionally and psychologically died from the effects of addiction. Then she (or he) is left alone, without the love and support of not only the absent spouse, but also left with the enormous responsibilities of children and house and earning money, and left alone without the continual support of the community as well. Because no one understands that she is mourning the "death" of a spouse, the emotional and psychological death, and the death of a marriage and of a family life. And she (or he) is not allowed to, nor can, withdraw to mourn in the traditional ways.
I don't think anything you are doing could be done better. Nor can I say there is anything more you can do, other than, as suggested by others, you arrange for the practical removal of material property, when your children are not home. This is a very difficult time for them, it will leave wounds, and they will be helped by some counseling eventually, if they are not already receiving that.
It is a fact of all life that when something dies, something new will be born. This is an enduring theme in all religions and in myth and fairytale. And for ourselves, the death and rebirth is an interior process. It takes time. There has to be a descent into an interior hell. But eventually one re-emerges, if one participates in this period of time with a willingness to be changed, to accept change, and a commitment to believe in a new life to come. It is a lonely process. One can do this, must do this, alone, it is your path and no one can walk it for you.
But if you face it, and while you surrender to forces greater than yourself and to the ever-changing realities of life, you try to grow, then many of us here can tell you: you will emerge stronger and deeper and a new person, perhaps even grateful for having been compelled to change.
When you write that a part of you wishes he would die physically, it is the unconscious longing to be able to mourn and be supported. Try not to feel guilt about it. It is normal.
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