new marriage - same old problem
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new marriage - same old problem
I recently got married to a man I've known and admired for a long time through work. I didn't know him socially however. We started dating not long after my divorce and we had a long distance relationship. After a year and 1/2 I moved to Montana to be with him. I soon found out he drinks EVERY night of the week, more often than not he drinks himself into a stupor. Even though I was worried about this, I married him anyway. Man, am I ever an idiot.
He is a respected member of this community, he goes to work every day, he is a good provider and I really, really love him but I've told him the drinking is a "deal breaker." I want to try to help him before I bale out on him. What is the best way to help him? He is not abusive, just says drinking helps him "relieve his stress". He says he can quit drinking anytime he wants to but he "doesn't have a problem". (Sound familiar?) I don't know where to go from here...any suggestions from anyone out there?
Thanks in advance.
He is a respected member of this community, he goes to work every day, he is a good provider and I really, really love him but I've told him the drinking is a "deal breaker." I want to try to help him before I bale out on him. What is the best way to help him? He is not abusive, just says drinking helps him "relieve his stress". He says he can quit drinking anytime he wants to but he "doesn't have a problem". (Sound familiar?) I don't know where to go from here...any suggestions from anyone out there?
Thanks in advance.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome kinmontana,
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help him. He has to want to help himself. You can let him know how you feel about his drinking and then the rest is up to him.
If he doesn't think he has a problem, he is probably not ready to quit yet.
What you can do is get the support YOU need and learn all you can about alcohol addiction. There are al-anon meetings and this forum is a great help.
I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs,
MG
P.S. The post below has been helpful to a lot of us. I'm putting a link here for you.
<a href="http://soberrecovery.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=21;t=000004" target="_blank">http://soberrecovery.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=21;t=000004</a>
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help him. He has to want to help himself. You can let him know how you feel about his drinking and then the rest is up to him.
If he doesn't think he has a problem, he is probably not ready to quit yet.
What you can do is get the support YOU need and learn all you can about alcohol addiction. There are al-anon meetings and this forum is a great help.
I'm glad you joined us.
Hugs,
MG
P.S. The post below has been helpful to a lot of us. I'm putting a link here for you.
<a href="http://soberrecovery.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=21;t=000004" target="_blank">http://soberrecovery.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=21;t=000004</a>
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI Montana!
Welcome to the recovery forum! I can't add to what MG just told you. He'll quit when and if he's ready. Please consider going to some alanon meetings and come here and hang out with us anytime!
Keep posting!
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum! I can't add to what MG just told you. He'll quit when and if he's ready. Please consider going to some alanon meetings and come here and hang out with us anytime!
Keep posting!
Smoke
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Chicago
Posts: 175
Welcome KM..........
I have to ask? Is this drinking husband #2?
If so, I would like to tell you that I did almost the same thing 12 years ago. I wish I would have packed up and left as soon as I figured out I had repeated my mistake once again. Now I am trying to get out of this big mess....wasted....12 years!
Good luck to you...Kitty <img border="0" alt="[Hey Kitty]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/heykitty.gif" />
I have to ask? Is this drinking husband #2?
If so, I would like to tell you that I did almost the same thing 12 years ago. I wish I would have packed up and left as soon as I figured out I had repeated my mistake once again. Now I am trying to get out of this big mess....wasted....12 years!
Good luck to you...Kitty <img border="0" alt="[Hey Kitty]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/heykitty.gif" />
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Kinmontana
Just wanted to join in on the welcome. I also recommend going to Al-Anon and getting some good information for yourself. There is not one thing you can do about his problem, believe me we all have spent years trying to save someone we love, and it just doesn't happen that way.
But looking after yourself is important, and the best time to start is now. Again - welcome.
Hugs
Just wanted to join in on the welcome. I also recommend going to Al-Anon and getting some good information for yourself. There is not one thing you can do about his problem, believe me we all have spent years trying to save someone we love, and it just doesn't happen that way.
But looking after yourself is important, and the best time to start is now. Again - welcome.
Hugs
Guest
Posts: n/a
Kitty,
This is drinking "partner" number two. The first A I lived with I had enough sense not to marry. The first one started drinking at 8:00am on weekends and gave me a black eye so I got out of there...
I have the age old dilema of believing I can change him - after reading some of the material on this website I am soon learning that I can't, and don't have the energy to do so. Its hard for me to believe that one of the most brilliant men I've ever met is so sick in this aspect of his life. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. He drank again last night and I just kept my mouth shut. Is that the best strategy when he's drinking?
Thanks for all the responses to my message. They help me to cope.
This is drinking "partner" number two. The first A I lived with I had enough sense not to marry. The first one started drinking at 8:00am on weekends and gave me a black eye so I got out of there...
I have the age old dilema of believing I can change him - after reading some of the material on this website I am soon learning that I can't, and don't have the energy to do so. Its hard for me to believe that one of the most brilliant men I've ever met is so sick in this aspect of his life. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. He drank again last night and I just kept my mouth shut. Is that the best strategy when he's drinking?
Thanks for all the responses to my message. They help me to cope.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Kitty
Read the thread "Into Orbit...for the newcomers". It is in the "Best of Nar-Anon" forum third from the bottom of page one. It will help you realize that only he can change himself.
Saying nothing was probably a good idea, especially when they have been drinking. "Talking" later can maybe help you both discuss what this is doing to both of you, but in the end, it is only what you can do for yourself that will matter.
My prayers are with you.
Hugs
Read the thread "Into Orbit...for the newcomers". It is in the "Best of Nar-Anon" forum third from the bottom of page one. It will help you realize that only he can change himself.
Saying nothing was probably a good idea, especially when they have been drinking. "Talking" later can maybe help you both discuss what this is doing to both of you, but in the end, it is only what you can do for yourself that will matter.
My prayers are with you.
Hugs
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