XABF has stopped calling to speak with our son
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
XABF has stopped calling to speak with our son
Intellectually, I know that we should be good to ourselves as we go about our recovery process. I understand that my recovery shouldn't be perfect or linear, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I just finished reading Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics, and many traumatic and painful childhood events, which I had repressed for many years, are beginning to surface. Before recovery, I often felt "numb" and out of touch with myself. But recently, I have been feeling worse, in the sense that I am feeling so much sadness and pain. Again, I know intellectually it is just a stage in the recovery process, but I've been pretty exhausted emotionally lately. I am taking things one day at a time, and I am repeatedly calling in my HP for help. I will also begin working with a new therapist soon. I also ordered The Language of Letting go and I intend to do short workbook reflections with it everyday.
On another note, my XABF stopped calling ever since he was served with my custody papers about two weeks ago. (He only has supervised visitation the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends out of the month.) He usually called once a day to speak with our three year old. My son seems to be okay with it, but I still can't quite figure out why my XABF's decision to stop calling seems to be affecting me so greatly. It's making me anxious and nervous. I go about my business and do what I need to do, but this is still gnawing at the back of my mind. Is this affecting me more intensely because of the stage of recovery I'm in? I thought I was doing pretty well with my recovery, but I have to admit this is throwing me for a loop.
Like Melody Beattie writes in her book, I feel "the crazies" coming on. I also think this lack of calling also brings up all the times in my past, when I was in a relationship with my AXBF, that he would simply disappear and not call. Back then, I tried to repress my feelings and downplay the fact that it bothered me so much. Perhaps everything is just surfacing now.
AHHH! Just as I finished writing these paragraphs, my XABF called to speak with my son. Perhaps it's my HP's way of telling me to focus on myself and my healing, rather than what someone else does or doesn't do (like my XABF).
Sending good vibes to all.
On another note, my XABF stopped calling ever since he was served with my custody papers about two weeks ago. (He only has supervised visitation the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends out of the month.) He usually called once a day to speak with our three year old. My son seems to be okay with it, but I still can't quite figure out why my XABF's decision to stop calling seems to be affecting me so greatly. It's making me anxious and nervous. I go about my business and do what I need to do, but this is still gnawing at the back of my mind. Is this affecting me more intensely because of the stage of recovery I'm in? I thought I was doing pretty well with my recovery, but I have to admit this is throwing me for a loop.
Like Melody Beattie writes in her book, I feel "the crazies" coming on. I also think this lack of calling also brings up all the times in my past, when I was in a relationship with my AXBF, that he would simply disappear and not call. Back then, I tried to repress my feelings and downplay the fact that it bothered me so much. Perhaps everything is just surfacing now.
AHHH! Just as I finished writing these paragraphs, my XABF called to speak with my son. Perhaps it's my HP's way of telling me to focus on myself and my healing, rather than what someone else does or doesn't do (like my XABF).
Sending good vibes to all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi,
This is based on my experience and may have nothing to do with you, but take what you can and leave the rest.
I have a really big fear of abandonment and rejection. It developed while I was growing up. When living with A's there is that feeling whether they are physically there or not. They tend to ignore everything but their next drink.
So I tried to become the perfect daughter. Trying to get the best grades, helping out in the house with cleaning and cooking. Just trying to be noticed and loved.
Well, I couldn't do that, so I rebelled and became the black sheep in the family.
When I met my ex, well, he paid attention to me, he wanted to be with me, he loved me. Until he started to abandon me and reject me. He used to disappear for weeks at a time, no phone calls, no text, wouldn't take any of mine. My worst fear came through. I was not good enough for him either. !!!!!!!!
(I know now that was completely untrue, but it was how I felt).
Do you think that perhaps you might be feeling these things, and seeing your son as you, and feeling how abandoned he might feel? Not saying that your XABF is in anyway right, and that this is all in your head, just wondering if this is how you might be feeling?
This is based on my experience and may have nothing to do with you, but take what you can and leave the rest.
I have a really big fear of abandonment and rejection. It developed while I was growing up. When living with A's there is that feeling whether they are physically there or not. They tend to ignore everything but their next drink.
So I tried to become the perfect daughter. Trying to get the best grades, helping out in the house with cleaning and cooking. Just trying to be noticed and loved.
Well, I couldn't do that, so I rebelled and became the black sheep in the family.
When I met my ex, well, he paid attention to me, he wanted to be with me, he loved me. Until he started to abandon me and reject me. He used to disappear for weeks at a time, no phone calls, no text, wouldn't take any of mine. My worst fear came through. I was not good enough for him either. !!!!!!!!
(I know now that was completely untrue, but it was how I felt).
Do you think that perhaps you might be feeling these things, and seeing your son as you, and feeling how abandoned he might feel? Not saying that your XABF is in anyway right, and that this is all in your head, just wondering if this is how you might be feeling?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Amy55, yes, I recently had a very painful "a-ha!" moment when I realized that my son will also grow up to be the adult child of an alcoholic. I wish there was a way to save my son from the pain I experienced as an ACOA, but I have done the best I can with the limited visitation the judge gave my ex and by working on my own recovery from co-dependency, low self esteem, etc.
It hurts me deeply that my ex can't be bothered to speak with my son, in the same way that my ex and my alcoholic father were unavailable and not present. I have so much to work through but I think I am on the right track, for my son and myself.
It hurts me deeply that my ex can't be bothered to speak with my son, in the same way that my ex and my alcoholic father were unavailable and not present. I have so much to work through but I think I am on the right track, for my son and myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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butterfly,
I may come across sometimes as wording something strongly, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I think we need to not dwell on ACoA. That we need to look at the affect of what it has done. I needed to accept that what my father did and what my ex did was emotional abuse. I had to accept that my dad and ex were not doing things at me, but this is who they were, and that they didn't mean to hurt me, perhaps they were being the best that they could be, but I was affected by it.
I did feel rejected, abandoned and unloved. I needed to work on those things, but before I did I needed to learn how to forgive. (Forgive, but not forget)
Emotional abuse cuts right into you. It destroys your self-confidence, your self-esteem. You start to look for love because you aren't getting it where you should be getting it. It really messes with you. I became a perfectionist. Always trying my best, but always feeling like my best wasn't good enough.
Be there for your son, encourage him, as you go through your therapy, help your son along the way. Give him praise, give him love. Let him know that you love him just the way he is. He may be a child of an alcoholic, but he can grow up feeling safe and loved. You can give him that.
The best thing to you with your ex is to have no expectations from him, it only leads to disappointment.
I may come across sometimes as wording something strongly, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes I think we need to not dwell on ACoA. That we need to look at the affect of what it has done. I needed to accept that what my father did and what my ex did was emotional abuse. I had to accept that my dad and ex were not doing things at me, but this is who they were, and that they didn't mean to hurt me, perhaps they were being the best that they could be, but I was affected by it.
I did feel rejected, abandoned and unloved. I needed to work on those things, but before I did I needed to learn how to forgive. (Forgive, but not forget)
Emotional abuse cuts right into you. It destroys your self-confidence, your self-esteem. You start to look for love because you aren't getting it where you should be getting it. It really messes with you. I became a perfectionist. Always trying my best, but always feeling like my best wasn't good enough.
Be there for your son, encourage him, as you go through your therapy, help your son along the way. Give him praise, give him love. Let him know that you love him just the way he is. He may be a child of an alcoholic, but he can grow up feeling safe and loved. You can give him that.
The best thing to you with your ex is to have no expectations from him, it only leads to disappointment.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Love this, thanks so much for your words of wisdom, Amy55! Lots of food for thought. I know for sure that I have no yet made peace with my awful relationship with both my XABF and my father. And I have not yet forgiven either one of them. As much as I want to rush my recovery, I know I need to take my time with this. I have faith that I will get there, eventually.
Upon reading your note, I forced myself out of the house with my son to pick up some food and then spent a while at the park in the sunshine, and on the walk back home, we stopped to smell the flowers---literally. In my neighborhood, there are many gorgeous roses blooming and my son and I stopped to smell and appreciate them
Thanks, Amy55, and thank you, SR!
Upon reading your note, I forced myself out of the house with my son to pick up some food and then spent a while at the park in the sunshine, and on the walk back home, we stopped to smell the flowers---literally. In my neighborhood, there are many gorgeous roses blooming and my son and I stopped to smell and appreciate them
Thanks, Amy55, and thank you, SR!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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butterfly,
So happy to hear that you did something that you can remember with you son.
With my dad I am able to forgive and forget, he died a long time ago, and I want to remember my dad and the good times that we had. I had to somewhat forget the rest, or just to focus on that he probably did better then his father did with him.
I can forgive my ex, only because I do not want to hold anger in my heart. I won't forget though, because I can never go back to that. I needed to learn detachment for that. He is who he is, and there ain't nothing I can do about it. I can only do damage control for me and my children. My children are older, the youngest is 26. So I can't do or say anything really, I can just try to show how much I love them.
What you did today, is just so beautiful. Just like a butterfly
So happy to hear that you did something that you can remember with you son.
With my dad I am able to forgive and forget, he died a long time ago, and I want to remember my dad and the good times that we had. I had to somewhat forget the rest, or just to focus on that he probably did better then his father did with him.
I can forgive my ex, only because I do not want to hold anger in my heart. I won't forget though, because I can never go back to that. I needed to learn detachment for that. He is who he is, and there ain't nothing I can do about it. I can only do damage control for me and my children. My children are older, the youngest is 26. So I can't do or say anything really, I can just try to show how much I love them.
What you did today, is just so beautiful. Just like a butterfly
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
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Thanks for the reminder of progress, not perfection. I am pretty bummed that my son won't ever experience having married parents (unless I get married down the line). If the cost of having married parents, or even partnered parents is seeing Mom and Dad fight every night, seeing Dad manipulate and emotionally abuse Mom, and seeing Mom just accept it time after time; well it's just not worth it.
"As much as I want to rush my recovery, I know I need to take my time with this. I have faith that I will get there, eventually." Man, I am right there with you, Butterfly. I really believed that forgiveness is key before this break up happened. I wondered how to deal with having to forgive someone repeatedly. Now, I have this whole new challenge of forgiving him for the abandonment/rejection/WHOLE EXPERIENCE.
I know I will get there too, but I'm not now and that's okay. My X's mom is like a mom to me and she seems to really want me to let go and forgive (of course, it's HER son). I'm just too human to release someone with no hard feelings after 7 years and a baby and less than 3 months post-split. She says she doesn't want to see me suffer like she did with his (my X's) dad (funny how we reenact our parents). I think I'm just gonna have to suffer and the only way around it is straight through it. I think grief comes BEFORE forgiveness, not the other way around.
Here's to our patience and to forgiving ourselves for taking all this BS in the first place. We have to forgive ourselves before we can forgive anyone else. First things first.
"As much as I want to rush my recovery, I know I need to take my time with this. I have faith that I will get there, eventually." Man, I am right there with you, Butterfly. I really believed that forgiveness is key before this break up happened. I wondered how to deal with having to forgive someone repeatedly. Now, I have this whole new challenge of forgiving him for the abandonment/rejection/WHOLE EXPERIENCE.
I know I will get there too, but I'm not now and that's okay. My X's mom is like a mom to me and she seems to really want me to let go and forgive (of course, it's HER son). I'm just too human to release someone with no hard feelings after 7 years and a baby and less than 3 months post-split. She says she doesn't want to see me suffer like she did with his (my X's) dad (funny how we reenact our parents). I think I'm just gonna have to suffer and the only way around it is straight through it. I think grief comes BEFORE forgiveness, not the other way around.
Here's to our patience and to forgiving ourselves for taking all this BS in the first place. We have to forgive ourselves before we can forgive anyone else. First things first.
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Location: New York, NY
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Oh lord, breaking up is very painful, even when it's ending an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. I strongly recommend Alanon, what you're going through is codependency, and finding the right group, getting insight into your own psyche can help quiet the pain. This is too hard to go through alone.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Oh, to add to the "progress, not perfection," I had heard his phrase a lot in Al Anon. I hadn't always thought about it generationally until someone brought that up recently. An example: If your parent was severely abused and still hasn't recovered while they are in their 60's; then they abused you slightly less and you still have a lot of recovery to do, but you're working on it; then you have a child who is subjected to zero abuse from you and hopefully very little from your XA and your child grows up with recovery and healthy people around (damage control); that is progress, not perfection!
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