He's being nice to me. :(
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He's being nice to me. :(
Who would have thought that having the man you love be nice to you could hurt so bad?
I have tried to go NC with my XAPartner, but it is proving to be difficult due to the fact that he takes care of my son while I go to work (Only 1 or 2x/week). I leave for work at 6:30 am and his parents live far away, so they don't get here until 9am or so to supervise. I have tried having a babysitter here for that lag time, but I don't always have someone who can do it.
My X started being nicer a couple of weeks ago. It bothered me that the day I had papers served on him he was being nice. Then he was angry when he saw that I was asking for supervised visits and a chemical dependency eval with follow-through on any recommendations. I also wrote a 12 page declaration that revealed concerning events regarding my son's safety with X and a detail of what I saw as the progression of his alcoholism. In my declaration I detailed some of my X's hostility toward me during the relationship and after the break up.
So yesterday I had to see him for just a few minutes. He was friendly, even when I was like, "Get out of my room!" He was sober and did not smell like he'd been drinking lately (The smell sticks around for a few days after). Then he sent me a text: "Thank you for being such a wonderful mother." I was so glad it was dark and I was in my car. I screamed in rage. I don't mother my son well for my X's sake. I do it for my son and myself.
Why does this hurt so bad? Same thing I've been saying since I showed up here: I wanted him to be nice and get sober with us all as a family. Instead he has this belief that being single is his answer to getting sober. I think that's a bunch of BS. I am suspicious and paranoid.
I think he may be pursuing a new relationship with someone (as he gave the same line about needing to find himself to his XW and then jumped right into pursuing a relationship with me). This in and of itself hurts to think about. I thought I was special back in the days that he was pursuing me. Now I see that I was just an object for him to feel good about himself (and he was for me too). I think having a new "love" interest in his life would make it easier for him to be nice to me.
I think it's probably not too hard to be nice to me for a few minutes a week and send a nice text. He has no more than 6 weeks of "sobriety" (no program, just a court order because of an arrest). I know 6 weeks dry after at least 17 years wet ain't s**t. I guess if I was being accused of being a hostile drunk, I might start acting nice at the 11th hour.
I hate that he's doing all this fun stuff with our son while they're visiting. I wanted so bad to do these things all together. I miss sharing my son with him. I know I can share my son and his magical moments with other people, but there was nothing like those (increasingly rare) moments with his dad and me looking at each other over our son like, "Wow, isn't he so amazing?"
I liked it better when he was angry and irrational after the breakup. It reminded me of why it's better that we're not together anymore. It made me feel more conviction in my actions to protect my son with supervised visits.
Tell me he's quacking. Or don't, if you think he's not.
I have tried to go NC with my XAPartner, but it is proving to be difficult due to the fact that he takes care of my son while I go to work (Only 1 or 2x/week). I leave for work at 6:30 am and his parents live far away, so they don't get here until 9am or so to supervise. I have tried having a babysitter here for that lag time, but I don't always have someone who can do it.
My X started being nicer a couple of weeks ago. It bothered me that the day I had papers served on him he was being nice. Then he was angry when he saw that I was asking for supervised visits and a chemical dependency eval with follow-through on any recommendations. I also wrote a 12 page declaration that revealed concerning events regarding my son's safety with X and a detail of what I saw as the progression of his alcoholism. In my declaration I detailed some of my X's hostility toward me during the relationship and after the break up.
So yesterday I had to see him for just a few minutes. He was friendly, even when I was like, "Get out of my room!" He was sober and did not smell like he'd been drinking lately (The smell sticks around for a few days after). Then he sent me a text: "Thank you for being such a wonderful mother." I was so glad it was dark and I was in my car. I screamed in rage. I don't mother my son well for my X's sake. I do it for my son and myself.
Why does this hurt so bad? Same thing I've been saying since I showed up here: I wanted him to be nice and get sober with us all as a family. Instead he has this belief that being single is his answer to getting sober. I think that's a bunch of BS. I am suspicious and paranoid.
I think he may be pursuing a new relationship with someone (as he gave the same line about needing to find himself to his XW and then jumped right into pursuing a relationship with me). This in and of itself hurts to think about. I thought I was special back in the days that he was pursuing me. Now I see that I was just an object for him to feel good about himself (and he was for me too). I think having a new "love" interest in his life would make it easier for him to be nice to me.
I think it's probably not too hard to be nice to me for a few minutes a week and send a nice text. He has no more than 6 weeks of "sobriety" (no program, just a court order because of an arrest). I know 6 weeks dry after at least 17 years wet ain't s**t. I guess if I was being accused of being a hostile drunk, I might start acting nice at the 11th hour.
I hate that he's doing all this fun stuff with our son while they're visiting. I wanted so bad to do these things all together. I miss sharing my son with him. I know I can share my son and his magical moments with other people, but there was nothing like those (increasingly rare) moments with his dad and me looking at each other over our son like, "Wow, isn't he so amazing?"
I liked it better when he was angry and irrational after the breakup. It reminded me of why it's better that we're not together anymore. It made me feel more conviction in my actions to protect my son with supervised visits.
Tell me he's quacking. Or don't, if you think he's not.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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And additionally - the being single thing....that can be a good sign because if he is TRULY wanting to get sober, he has to put everything he has into that for a while. It has to be more important than anything else - even you.
I still stand by what I said though - Don't allow him the power of deciding for you how you will feel, or what kind of day you will have.
He doesn't deserve that power, and you don't deserve to be subject to his will.
((hug))
I still stand by what I said though - Don't allow him the power of deciding for you how you will feel, or what kind of day you will have.
He doesn't deserve that power, and you don't deserve to be subject to his will.((hug))
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I hate that he's doing all this fun stuff with our son while they're visiting.
what would you rather they do?
if it benefits your son, then said gently, suck it up! if he's present and sober while spending time with the boy, rejoice. don't personalize everything, don't make this about you and him anymore...make this about trying to be good parents in a cooperative way.
what would you rather they do?
if it benefits your son, then said gently, suck it up! if he's present and sober while spending time with the boy, rejoice. don't personalize everything, don't make this about you and him anymore...make this about trying to be good parents in a cooperative way.
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Is he quacking??????? yep, he is quacking so loud I can hear it all the way on the east coast.
He knows with the papers that he was served with that you will have a good case against him, so he is trying to be daddy of the year.
The fun stuff that he is doing with your son, I'm going to say that this could be jealousy on your part, and that you might still be wishing that things worked out differently. I guess for now be happy they are doing fun things together, but be prepared for if and when he doesn't show up, or comes around less frequently, or has a million reasons for why he can't do something.
I still get angry and resentful at times that my future wasn't what I imagined. I imagined us growing old together and sharing memories of our lives, our childrens lives, and grandchildrens lives together. It didn't happen.
((((((((hugs))))))))
He knows with the papers that he was served with that you will have a good case against him, so he is trying to be daddy of the year.
The fun stuff that he is doing with your son, I'm going to say that this could be jealousy on your part, and that you might still be wishing that things worked out differently. I guess for now be happy they are doing fun things together, but be prepared for if and when he doesn't show up, or comes around less frequently, or has a million reasons for why he can't do something.
I still get angry and resentful at times that my future wasn't what I imagined. I imagined us growing old together and sharing memories of our lives, our childrens lives, and grandchildrens lives together. It didn't happen.
((((((((hugs))))))))
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Anvilhead and Amy, you are right. I'm jealous and I should rejoice. It's true. I would rather it be fun and safe than dull or dangerous. I am still grieving the loss of my dream. It hurts, but I want what's best for my son. If X and I were still together, I would think this all totally grand. Amy,how long ago was you split from your X?
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Oh, I'm trying to do Edward Babyhands. My son has the E. Scissorhands hair already. I don't know that I'll be able to pull it off in time as far as the outfit. I'm on a tight budget and need to keep working on finding a new place to live.
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If you have black eyeliner, put a little vaseline on his lips and smudge the black eyeliner over that for the gray-black lips. Smudge a little under his eyes...eyebrow pencil for little drawn-on 'scars'.
aluminum foil can be rolled and bent to make metal 'rings' you can duct tape in place for the buckles etc on the scissorhands suit.
If you don't have hair gel you can use egg whites and a blow dryer on low.
aluminum foil can be rolled and bent to make metal 'rings' you can duct tape in place for the buckles etc on the scissorhands suit.
If you don't have hair gel you can use egg whites and a blow dryer on low.
Last edited by NeedSomeHappy; 10-21-2013 at 12:36 PM. Reason: spelling
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I love all the costume ideas!
I just wanted to say that in my opinion, it hurts because this is the behavior that you wished he'd have IN the relationship, and you want it to be real - but you know it's not real, it's just manipulation.
I just wanted to say that in my opinion, it hurts because this is the behavior that you wished he'd have IN the relationship, and you want it to be real - but you know it's not real, it's just manipulation.
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Thanks for the ideas, NSH! Very helpful. StarCat, you are absolutely right about WHY it hurts. Thanks for the reminder that it's just manipulation. I have such a hard time seeing it, even after being manipulated by XA for 7 years. Love that quote by Anvilhead. I won't always be this sad. I am SO SAD, but I won't always be. I won't.
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Manipulation is terrible. Sometimes I don't realize I was being manipulated until after the fact. Then I get angry at myself...it's just a vicious cycle! Trying to be gentler with yourself can be so incredibly difficult...
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Ha! Dude texted me earlier to ask if he could use my library account and PIN to print documents for court. I guess he found an alternative. I changed that PIN when we broke up. I don't get why he wants to keep these crappy boundaries and not give me any love. Ugh.
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Ugh, is right. Why would you keep looking for love from a rock? You asked me a question before. How long ago did I split from my X. My answer is I went to the university of Hard Knocks for over 25 years. Graduated from this university
Dec 2010. (divorced) Was away from him, but not his craziness since 12/31/2008.
Do you see that he is trying to push your buttons here. Of course, he could open up his own library account. He just wants you to know that he is doing research for court documents. He is trying to manipulate you.
Dec 2010. (divorced) Was away from him, but not his craziness since 12/31/2008.
Do you see that he is trying to push your buttons here. Of course, he could open up his own library account. He just wants you to know that he is doing research for court documents. He is trying to manipulate you.
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I go to at least 2 meetings a week, plus 1 meeting for love addiction. I'm working on it, I swear. I'm just fresh. And yes, I'm pretty sick, but at least I know it and I'm trying. Grief, for me doesn't just happen in 3 months. My past solution was always to enter a new relationship. Not happening this time. No.
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