brightstar43

Hi everyone
I've been logging in to the forum almost daily this year but for the last few months I've been too ashamed to post. You see I went back to my ABF he said he would cut back his drinking and I must say stupidly for some reason I had hope. It didn't turn out good. We have been arguing a lot (well mainly me he just sits and says virtually nothing) this all erupted on Friday night when in the middle of talking he fell asleep! I just exploded and I'm so ashamed because I slapped him; I've never done this before and it has scared me to see what I'm capable of. He ran me hone and as I was about to get out the car he said did I want him to call me later, I just looked at him after all that had happened, he then said no?.....I felt so angry, confused and frustrated that I told him to F*** off.
What has this turned me into? I actually feel physically ill and drained and so ashamed of myself it's like I'm the abuser in this because I physically hit him. I just became so frustrated with what he was saying and his lack of feeling. He was turning everything I said into a joke and when I started to cry just sat there, no comfort just nothing. He told me he doesn't do emotions. I just feel so sick and f***** up! I need help. I've not contacted him since as I know I need to get out of this toxic relationship. I know that he is like poison to me but today I just feel very low, my head feels so foggy. The thing is I just went back to work after being off for a few months with depression and don't want to end up off again. I can't talk to my friends or family about thus as I'm scared I'm going to drive them all away, it's difficult girl them to understand this. I know I need to stay away from him or things are just going to get worse, I need more than he can give me. Sorry for this long post but I thought it was better for me to share this than just sit keeping it to myself. I hope no one thinks badly of me girls my actions, I'm pretty disgusted with myself fir lashing out but also with going back fir more of the pain that this relationship brings. X

Hammer

I do not recall, but I take it that you are trying to do all this WITHOUT Alanon? Sorry if I do not have that correct.

Reason I am mentioning this, what you are describing is sort of covered in the standard Alanon Meeting Opening "Welcome." I have bolded the part that sounds like where you are at, and included the full Welcome so that anyone else who may benefit may follow along.

While it say what it says in much more eloquent terms than I tend to use . . . let me tell you in more common terms . . . This sh1t can make Anyone Crazy.

Good for you on stopping and getting away, and at the end you may find the *only* person you can beat some sense into is YOU. If you are lucky.

========================

Suggested Al-Anon Welcome

We welcome you to the Al-Anon Family Group and hope you will find in this fellowship the help and friendship we have been privileged to enjoy.

We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

The Al-Anon program is based on the Twelve Steps (adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous), which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives, along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer. The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus make us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.

Anonymity is an important principle of the Al-Anon program. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is in our minds and hearts, for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.

brightstar43

Thanks Hammer,
The craziest part is I've been in al anon for 4 years but this year I have become really messed up by all the behavior....he's not a nasty drunk but I'm starting to think that I've been in an emotionally abusive situation. It's left me feeling so worthless and shameful

Hammer

Four YEARS!!!! YIKES! And engaging a drunk!!!!!

GO SMACK YOURSELF!

Yeah. I have four years, too. Look at my sign on date here. First year I just went and "fell in love" with my group. Loved them so much that I would not go to another group when we moved.

Finally things really flew apart last year, and I went screaming back to any-every-meeting-anywhere I could find. But STILL only started my Step Work last month (look at my signature line).

NOW. That I am really sort of really working it -- I understand the closing as well as the Welcome.

"It Works IF You Work It."

Really I have to tell you -- Work your program and you will not find time nor inclination to engage in a battle of idiocy with a drunk. Wet, dry, or otherwise.

marie1960

"He was turning everything I said into a joke ." (brightstar43)

^^^^^^^^^I can relate to this^^^^^^^^^^^^

XA did the same thing. Seems i was over reacting to EVERYTHING, his denial had me second guessing myself, and that's what makes us go batty. We are getting lost in their addiction. I was substituting an addicted person's judgement for my own, and that is absolutely insane.

I agree with you, for your own sake, stay away from him, this is not a healthy situation, currently you are spiraling down a very deep dark black hole, and I fear if you do not address your own needs, you are going to lose yourself to this horrific disease.

I would go NO CONTACT, to continue to engage with him is fruitless, you will never get the result you need. He is unavailable.

Last week at the Women's hospital, in the waiting room, a poster hanging on the wall read: MENTALLY HEALTHY MEN DO NOT ABUSE ALCOHOL.

If that didn't slap me in the face, and make me shiver. Just thinking back to being involved with an unhealthy man got my stomach churning.

Time to take care of YOU, my friend. There is NOTHING you can do to help him.


P.S.
I just want to add, I would not be slapping an intoxicated person, ( or anyone else for that matter) that's playing with fire, in a blackout stage, he could react and seriously hurt you or kill you and not remember even doing it.

brightstar43

Aw Hammer
You made me laugh....and then I gave myself a punch in the face!!!
No seriously I have been engaging with him.... And not getting the answers I'm searching for. I need to work really really hard on this as it's really affecting my emotional well being. Everyone on this forum has been so kind. Thanks hammer girl the support

brightstar43

Marie
Thanks for replying. When we were talking on Friday night (if that's what you call it) he kept saying that I had it all wrong. The minute things became too much for him ie mentioning my feelings he kept walking out the room, at one point went to bed. It just made me feel so dismissed and also like it was me that was the problem. I feel like I've been psychologically kidnapped or something. The most insane part is that I kept at him trying to reason with him. Part of my mind was saying give up, go, just get your things and leave but the other part had this great fear of leaving it was intense. Has anyone felt this?

marie1960

Exactly, what are you fearing bightstar?


AND, you having it all wrong, is simply his denial, and him trying to manipulate the situation, you see, you are now interfering with his first love, and I can assure you, you are going to lose, he will protect his addiction first, in his sick twisted head, this is how it is.

And most important, You cannot reason with a drunk. It is humanly impossible!!

brightstar43

Do you know Marie I'm not entirely sure.....I just get overwhelming anxiety and feel really panicky so I didn't leave. Lying in bed beside him he cuddled into my back and I started to cry. It did not feel safe being there but it felt just as uncomfortable to go.....it's like a trapped feeling. Staying is bad and going is bad too. I wanted him to comfort me but he is unable to do that. It made me feel so lost. When I woke in the morning I just felt numb and couldn't look at him, he was just acting like nothing had happened and then asking did I want him to call later made me feel like screaming my head off. My brain kept saying..this is toxic healthy people do not interact like this.

marie1960

Well I would start by addressing my fears. Once you can pinpoint what is making you act/ react in this manner, it no longer can control you.

Time for some brightstar soul searching, some serious one on one time.

His addiction belongs to HIM, your current life issues can only be addressed by YOU, this is no longer about him.

brightstar43

Exactly this is my issues. I think old childhood wounds are bring reopened with this relationship. I'm an ACOA and so is he as well as being alcoholic. I know I need to work on myself, that us the hard part. I seem to take one step forward and three steps back. My friend keeps asking why am I doing thus to myself? That I deserve so much better. I think it all comes down to self esteem no one in their right mind would want to be with him. I just feel I must be so messed up to have been involved with hi. For so long (over 5 years on and off)

Flicka57

Brightstar43:
I know exactly what you describe. We sit and take the comments and one day just like me your fighting spirit decided enough was enough and you fought back. Then we feel guilty because when we finally decide to stand our ground it is like the floodgates open up & it all comes rushing out. I hardly recognized myself the last couple of years with exAH. I was ashamed of my behavior. But guess what--there was someone in the picture for many years before you started to fight back who was pushing those buttons and doing and saying those things. I doubted my exAH is even an alcoholic in the way he can control his drinking, control others and start rumors & fights among family members & co-workers. What we both have is an abuser who drinks and controls others. Take heart though--this means your brain is now making you face the reality of the situation and saying to you"Fight Back Brightstar" but here's the way to do it that always works with controllers "In the War of Words--Silence Is The Winning Hand". Learn to ignore him when he pushes those buttons, stop as much contact as possible and learn to play his game by using "no words". If he gets no reaction anymore first he will intensify and then finally he may realize he needs to treat you more respectfully & that is the only thing you say to him "when you can talk to me respectfully I will listen". Good luck--don't blame yourself--you were doing what any normal person would do after staying silent for so long!

amy55

Yes, I have felt like this. I tried every way that I could to try to explain my feelings, felt like I was talking to the wall, I would even get "nuts" enough to talk to the wall and to let him know I was having a conversation with the wall.

This one time, my ex had said that he wanted to talk to me and apologize to me, but that he wanted to do it in his own way. He asked me to watch a baseball game with him ( think it was the world series ). So, ok, I agreed, I was just so tired of the fighting already. I kept waiting and waiting for the talking part of it, and it never came. Before the end of the game, he got up and said he was going to sleep. I was in shock, I really thought we were going to "talk".

So I followed him upstairs about 5 minutes later. I was in a rage. He just went to sleep, just went to sleep!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I woke him up by yelling, I thought you wanted to talk tonight. He grabbed me by the neck and threw me to the floor. I ended up at a DV shelter that night.

It is so aggravating when we think that we might have a reasonable discussion with someone who is emotionally unavailable. It's just not possible, and it is so hard to believe that we are not able to get through to a person. But, it's not possible. They aren't capable of it, and we just make ourselves "nuts", trying to understand this.

It is toxic, and I agree Al anon, and NC.

Here some hugs for you

PS - yes, they can actually get up in the morning, and everything in their mind is just fine.

NeedSomeHappy

As if nothing had ever happened...amy55 that is practically every day for me.

MissFixit

hi

i am glad you have the courage to post again. you are brave to face the reality of your situation as i know it is scary, exhausting and depressing.

this disease is progressive and makes everyone involved w the active a alcoholic sick and progress with sickness too. you cannot have a healthy relationship w a toxic person without becoming toxic as well at some point. it sounds like you have hit your boundary. now what? how do you feel better?

brightstar43

Amy that's what I had resorting to doing, screaming, hitting and talking to someone about my feelings while they were just staring straight ahead at the tv or making statements like: point taken, God your giving me it tight tonight eh?.... This just made me rage even more like What the f is wrong with you? Have you no empathy? I should have been asking myself the questions.... What is wrong with me? Do I have so little regard for myself that I allow him to treat me like this?
MissFixIt, it's so true I have become so toxic this year too and so worn down that I feel anxious and physically ill tonight. All my boundaries have been burst by this man. The only thing left is for me to try very very hard to move on and stay away from him. I need to get myself back yet again. I'm so sick of myself at the moment

amy55

brightstar,

It is really hard. We are looking for validation from a rock. Someone who shut down emotionally a long long time ago. I wanted that validation. I think when I was still there that I just needed to feel that validation. I wanted to feel loved and cared about. I needed it, more then I needed food or air to breathe. It suffocated me.

Sometimes you need to let go and accept that you will not get validation from him, that you can only get it from yourself. You don't have to be the perfect this or that. People do love you for who you are.

I love you. I think you are very beautiful, and witty, intelligent, and just a fun person all around. I'd like to hear more about you, because you just sound to be a terrific person.

((((((((hugs))))))))

There is something that is just so special about you.

MissFixit

i understand being sick of yourself and the drama. i was in your shoes 5 years ago this month. i can tell you i never thought then that i could feel the peace, hope and serenity i now feel. it is possible.

brightstar43

Amy,
That's it! That wanting love and care so much that it becomes more important than anything else and when you don't receive it it is devastating. It has taken me since Saturday to get my act together even slightly. I feel emotionally battered and drained like there is this huge weight on top of me. This is really hard to be caught in this.
MissFixit I wish so much that I was in your position and was 5 years out of it. I have went back for more of the same so often now that I doubt my own strength to stay away. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and mark each day of no contact off in my diary. I know in my heart of hearts that there won't be a happy ending to this story if I go back to him. I need to try really really hard to remain no contact

amy55

They suck out whatever they can from you, but they give you nothing in return. They are almost like emotional vampires, or maybe I should delete the word almost.

Just keep hanging out around here. We'll help you through this. I know one thing that I did was that I never erased his nasty emails or vm's and whenever I wanted to talk to him, I would read the email, then listen to the vm's and say, why the h3ll do I want to listen to that again.